Daddy Don and Tita Trisha were talking about chains this afternoon and I remembered that Daddy Don gave me his necklace more than ten years ago. I think he left that to me when he went back to the States on the first time that we met. I had it in my vanity kit until I came to England, then I gave it to Inang.
As far as I can remember Inang told me one time that you were wearing the chain. Nothing really, our conversation just reminded me of you and the necklace. I am not sure where it is now, but I'm sure Inang has kept it in her safe.
I think about you everyday baby. I just want to remember all our happy memories together. I miss you so so much. I love you.
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone."
~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
I love and miss you so much!x
P.S.
Tomorrow is Tito JL's board exam I think. Please pray for him anak and watch over him.
Today is your 5th month in heaven and for some reason you made a way for some people to remember you. YOu know that I have always been proud of you and even now that you're no longer with us, you still are doing things that really make me proud.
Teacher Nica sent me a random message today about something that really made me happy and somehow took the pain away even just temporarily. I know you have touched so many lives but knowing that children still look up to you up to this day is something really special to me.
Anyway, apparently teacher Nica during their art subject, introduced optical illusion to her grade 4 pupils. She gave them examples to follow but the poor children had difficulty copying them. And then one of her pupils, Josias apparently said, "Siguro kung si Kuya Keith, perfect na perfect niya yan". My heart jumped for joy upon reading this message and I cried, only because I was so happy. You have definitely inspired this young boy anak and I am so proud of you. Josias was even discussing with another classmate what would you have drawn (from the examples) if you were to choose. Isn't it that sweet? I am actually lost for words at the moment because I am overwhelmed by this whole thing. Every mother would wish for their child to inspire other children and you did exactly that. I couldn't be happier.
This reminded teacher Nica that today is the 28th and that it's been 5 months since you've become an angel.
She also mentioned that Mama and Ading Linus visited your school the other day and they went inside teacher Nica's classroom to check on your science project when you were in 4th grade. Apparently, that was your own work and teacher didn't know about it and me neither, so I asked teacher if she could take a photo of it so I can have a look at it too.
Then Mama also went inside your old classroom, but she said she could hardly breathe when she saw your seat because she was reminded of the times when she used to visit you. But the rest of the children, especially your friends were so happy to see Mama and Ading Linus.
Every 28th of the month Inang apparently prays and offers food for you and then Mama would visit you at your ne house. But unfortunately she was not able to do that today because it was raining.
And oh, Mama posted something on facebook about this day and she made a mistake because she wrote six months instead of 5. She was crying and Ading Cxyrelle was wiping her tears away and Ading said, "Huwag kang umiyak hindi na yun mababago", pertaining to her post. Ah, your Ading is really sweet.
Five months huh.... I really miss you so much but I feel better today knowing that you have inspired Josias. I will love you forever.
I texted Mama yesterday because I wanted to speak to her about something. But then she asked me to wait because she was preparing dinner for your Adings. Ading Linus was apparently not feeling well and he was complaining that he was feeling dizzy. Although I wanted to keep calm I couldn't because my mind just went crazy and I started panicking. I was also preparing to leave for Bristol but I couldn't put my mind at rest until I have spoken to Mama. So I waited until she went online so I could speak to her via skype. When we finally did I felt a lot better.
Ading Linus vomited once and then he fell asleep afterwards. According to Mama there were no other symptoms apart from his dizziness. I couldn't get my head round to what was going on because you kept popping in my head. I was trying to just concentrate on Ading but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. Then I convinced myself that that was nothing serious. So I told Mama to keep an eye on Ading closely overnight and if she got worried at anytime, she should just take Ading to the hospital. For the meantime, I sent a message to Manang Salome just to warn her that Mama might bring Ading to her at some point.
I must admit that I didn't sleep well overnight thinking about Ading and what happened to you. So as soon as I woke up this morning, I called home but it was Tatang who answered the phone. Inang took Ading to the RHU. Ading apparently didn't want to go but Inang tricked him by telling him that they were going to the market. Unfortunately, Manang Salome was not there so they had to go back in the afternoon.
I regularly texted Mama and Papa because I was really worried. I know this is nothing serious, but after all that happened to you, every little thing to me is serious. I promised to myself that I will no longer take anything for granted after you left. So I need to pay particular attention to every minor detail.
Mama told me that it took them a long time to convince Ading to go to the doctor because he was crying really hard. According to Mama, he never used to be like that. Before he was easy to convince to go to the doctor, but after you left he wouldn't go anymore. perhaps he was traumatized by what happened to you. He went in the end after gentle persuasion from Mama and Inang, and even Auntie Maria.
I have chatted with Mama since and she told me that it was Ading's eyes that was causing his dizziness and vomiting. So he needs an eye specialist. Mama will sort that one out for him.
Somehow I am relieved to find out that it was his eyes, but I don't think I will have the peace of mind until I find out that Ading is clear from everything.
Please anak watch over Ading and pray that he will be better soon. I have spoken to God last night and I made a promise to Him. It's hard at the moment but I will try my best to fulfill that promise just to keep your Adings and our family safe and healthy. I don't think I am strong enough to face anymore trials after all that's happened. I am becoming weaker and weaker emotionally and I don't know if I can take anymore. But with your help and God's help, perhaps I still can.
Look after your Ading's okay anak? I know you love them as much as I do, if not more.
I have been feeling very low since yesterday and now I am finding solace i music and poetry. I have been listening to this song Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton and it's making me cry.
" Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven"
I miss you so much. I wish you were here. I love you baby.
I went to church this afternoon to pray for Tito JL because he will be taking his nursing board exam next weekend. He is very nervous about it. They say a little prayer sometimes helps, so I did exactly that today just in case.
Honestly, I have not really prayed seriously since you left. I don't know but I kind of lost the "trust". This is only because when Inang, Mama and I were praying for you alongside our family and friends, no one listened to us. Somehow I have doubts whether prayers do actually work nowadays. Because as I have said before, there are a lot of people out there who probably haven't prayed in their whole life, but never ever go through what we have been through. So sometimes I can't really blame myself for asking "what's the point?". But I suprised myself when I was at the church today. I didn't know where to start. For a while I thought I have forgotten how to pray. I was just mumbling and didn't know what I was praying for. Then I started crying because I realized I haven't prayed in my knees for a while. I tried to pray for you but I really didn't know what for. I was just crying. I apologized to Him for making tampo for what happened to you. I also asked Him to please let us know sooner than later whatever reason He has for taking you. It was really hard for me to pray honestly. But eventually I think I managed to express how I felt and I hope He heard me.
I lit up candles too but I was just thinking about Tito JL's board exam. Please anak pray for him too. I want him to pass his board exam so he can find a job straight away. Remember when he told you he would buy you a car if he ever finds a job? Haha. I know it's never going to happen anymore but I know Tito will still think about that whenever he'll buy a car for himself or for anyone else.
Oh well, I think I need to get myself into praying again. I know it's not gonna be easy but I will try my best. I need your help anak.
Please continue to pray for us and pray for Tito JL. Help him so he will pass his exams.
I met up with Tito Gil and his bride to be today here in London. He is definitely getting married and I am sure you are very happy for him. You have seen how Tito pursued his past girlfriend(s) as he often took you when he was visiting them. You went as far as an hour away from our town in his jeepney just to spend time with them. And it took you as late as 10 or 11pm to get home.
I remember Tito telling me that he liked taking you wherever he went because he loved talking to you. This was even when you were just about four years old or perhaps a little older. He told me that when you were traveling with him, you would still tell him stories even though you were so quiet most of the time. And if you were inside his girlfriend's house, he would let you sit beside him with Meow perhaps and there you would keep still until he was ready to go home. No matter how long it took him there, you never cried or complained that you were tired or sleepy. Yu waited patiently and quietly until he was finished.
Tito JL posted the video of the song on your facebook wall and as soon as I read the first two lines of the song, I knew I will love it. Although it was written by someone for his mother after she passed away, the message is just the same and from now on this is my other song for you.
" Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly"
Most of the time I still can't believe that you're gone. It's almost 6 months now and I am missing you more than ever before. But I know you're always with me and I have proven this so many times- during those times when I am under pressure, almost always want to give up and those times when I think I can't do anything because I am weak. I know you are there to remind me that I can do those things because you know I can. You may not be here physically, but I can honestly feel your presence. When I talk to you, you answer back in your own little strange, silent ways. And through your life's motto, I am now able to do things that I thought I could never do. Because of you, I am stronger and because of you I know I can do anything.
"You were always there waiting
And I'll come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see"
I am dreading going home next year because I don't know how it's gonna be like, knowing that there will no longer be three of you waiting for me inside the van when I arrive at the airport. It'll just gonna be your Adings. I remember one time when you took me to the airport after my vacation. I was not gonna cry but I saw you leaning on the open car window, looking at me while I was in the queue to get in and I saw your sad face so I started crying. I can still clearly remember that moment. I know it's gonna be hard going home now, but I am sure you will still be there. I know you will. And I know you will make things better for me and our family.
" And I know, you're a part me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me"
This is so true. Remember when I told you about your song only playing when I feel like giving up? This happens a lot when I am running. But there are also times when my mind is filled with negative thoughts and all I have to do is sing your song "Lighters", then I will feel better. It's almost like magic. There are times when your songs will just play randomly in random places. Maybe it's your way of reminding me that you're always with me. But whatever it is, be it a coincidence or not, one thing is for sure, your songs always comfort me.
"I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true"
Well, you probably know that I carry Meow-meowwith me whenever I go to special events and places. Meow was a very special part of your life and I want it to be a special part of me too.
"And what you did you did with feeling
And you always found the meaning
And you always will"
I am sure you found meaning in everything that you have done in that short span of 11 years. As Inang and Mama would always say, you knew about a lot of things. And now that you're gone, we are the ones looking for meanings in everything that you have said and done before you were taken away.
" I'm glad He set you free from sorrow"
Sometimes it comforts me to think that perhaps God took you away to spare you from all that is evil in this world. There will no longer be suffering for you, only peace and happiness.
I had a chat with Tito JL on facebook this afternoon. He apparently had this weird dream about Jesus. I thought it was about you, but it obviously wasn't. Anyway, Tito was with this old bearded man dressed in white. He said the old man looked like one of Jesus's apostles. Jesus on the other hand was nailed on the cross, but just his left hand. His right hand was free and Jesus was holding Tito's hand. Then Jesus asked the old man to get something for Him. There was a small hole on the wall and a small pendant appeared. The pendant looked like "XI". Tito doesn't know the shape of the pendant. But it was XI and the symbols were together. The I is smaller than the X.
The first thing that came to my mind was that XI in natural number is 11. So, I thought of your age because you were 11 when you were taken away. Then the other thing that I thought about was my birthday. But I am not sure what Tito's dream is all about. I asked my friend about it but the only thing she said was that Tito needs to get more closer to Jesus in view of his faith in Him. The way my friend explained it, someone will not hold your hand if they don't want you to get close to them. It does make sense that way but I know there is another meaning to that. I know it's really weird to dream about this kind of thing, but perhaps Tito was watching something related to this before he went to bed. I am really curious of his dream and I am even considering of going to a dream interpreter.
But I will see if I can call home tomorrow and ask Inang for her opinion. Tomorrow is Friday so it's skype day. I just hope that there's an electricity tomorrow so I can speak to them.
For now I gotta go to bed anak as it's late. Please remember that you're always in my thoughts. I love you.
I was gonna write something about the rainy season but I didn't get the chance to sit down and write on my supper break. And now it's late.
For the last few weeks work has been really busy and almost everyone is irritating me. Perhaps it's just stress related but sometimes it's just too much. I was very hungry and when I told somebody I needed to have supper, they didn't care. They made me do something that I couldn't say no to instead. Oh well....
So I have told my other boss that I was offered a job in london and provided that my security checks are okay then I will be leaving soon. She was pleased for me, but I hope she was honest with her feelings. I owe them a lot and I will make sure that I will make them proud. I am not forgetting that I owe them everything that I am professionally today. Oh well, apart from the fact that I was born efficient and with a lot of common sense.
I will write more tomorrow anak as I need to go back to work now.I'm really glad that you're always there to listen. I love you dearly and I miss you terribly.
Sorry anak I was not able to tell you properly all about this yesterday because I had to tell my boss first just in case someone from work reads my letters to you and found out about it here.
Basically, I went for an interview at one of the biggest and most famous hospitals in London yesterday. I was not really expecting to get the job because I didn't put so much effort on it. My excuse was that I found out about my interview the week I was in Bristol so I didn't have much time to prepare for it. But on Saturday, I made sure that I did my presentation and put more time on it than anything else. Well you know, I did a bit of research on the job and other issues, but honestly I would have put more effort on it if only I had more time. But that really doesn't matter now because I have been successful and they have offered me the job.
It was funny really because I was so nervous when I was doing my presentation that I finished in less than 5 minutes. We were only given five minutes anyway. But because I was afraid I mumbled my way thorugh it, I asked them if they understood what I was trying to convey to them and they all laughed. I apologized for speaking too fast because I always do that when I am nervous. But they said, I have told them everything that they needed to know. One of them even said that he couldn't really find anything to ask because I have told them most of it.
I am just happy that I am finally getting out of Bristol for good. With everything that I have been through in the last six months or so, I think I deserve to start afresh. Perhaps this will be better for my emotional well-being.
I am looking forward to working at this hospital and I am proud because I never ever dreant of working there. It is big and well known for their good services so I am very pleased to be a part of it soon.
I hope that the Lord will continue to guide me. And if this is one of His ways to ease the pain of losing you, then so be it. Although I know that the pain will always be there.
I know that you're always watching me from up there. I spoke to you before I went for my interview and asked you to guide me. I am very sure you did. Thank you anak and please thank God for me too.
I have this ambivalent feeling towards the good things that are happening right now (and will still happen) in my life. I feel like I shouldn't be happy when things start to fall right into place. And who can blame me? Last year I was having the time of my life. I got my dream job, a bit more money, stable married life and a complete family. I couldn't have asked for more. If I was able to build a new house for you and our family, that would have been just a bonus. I almost had everything that I wanted in my life. But then sadly, you were taken away.
And now that the same thing is about to happen, I am scared that beyond another successes is another heartbreak. As much as I want to be very happy, I am holding back because of what happened last year. I don't want to be happy again and then something bad will happen, God forbid. A lot of times when I can't help myself but be happy, I would suddenly stop and think that the last time I did that, you were taken away. So sometimes if I am laughing too much when at work, with friends or even with Daddy Don, negative thoughts come rushing through my head and then I'll stop. Perhaps this is what losing someone can do.
I hope that this time anak will be different form last year. Remember when people said that you were taken away for a reason and that we will see within the next two years good things will start happening to us? I truly hope so, because even if no better thing can replace you, I am still hoping that somehow we will find the reason why you were taken away.
Today, I hope I made you proud up there. I know God helped me and you too. Although I was hopeful, I was not expecting to be given that opportunity. So I hope that this time it will be better and that this will be the beginning of something beautiful and new. With the Lord's grace....
By the way, Tito JL had a centipede in his room the other night and he didn't know what to do with it because he was scared. Then I told him to kill it. Papa then found out about it too and so did Mama, and they both said not to kill it, but just to get rid of it because you wouldn't have wanted to kill it. So Tito flushed it in the sink, haha! So sorry anak I forgot that you didn't kill anything that had life even if they could be harmful. Next time, I know what to say and do.
Are you missing me? I bet you do. If only I can speak to you on skype again and tell you how handsome you are. I am missing you so much.
I hung out with a friend last night and she mentioned that she may have dreamt about you. She was not entirely sure but according to her, you were the only boy she knew who could paint. Apparently in her dream, a boy handed a painting to her and the boy said, "please give it to her". She described the painting as Van Gogh-ish. She thought Van Gogh was your favourite painter but I told her it was Monet.
I know I was trying to introduce Van Gogh to you. Remember I asked you to paint the sunflower and the "starry, starry night" for me? You didn't copy exactly the same thing because you didn't like the idea of copying paintings. You always changed how they looked and made it your own.
My friend was eventually convinced that the boy in her dream was probably you. She told her mom about it and her mom apparently offered eggs for you and for me. I thought that was so sweet of them.
So if the boy was you then at least you spoke.
I miss you so much already. I wish you could come back. Mommy loves you.
When you were in either first or second grade, your teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. You answered, "to be a fireman or policeman". I would have loved you to have said "a lawyer or a doctor", only because we were made to believe that these people ear more money than firemen or policemen. I was actually surprised you didn't say "train driver" because you were fascinated by trains. Papa even used to take you to Manila just so you could ride the train.
But as you grew older, Mama noticed a lot of changes in your aspirations. Your interests have become more art and music oriented. But even then, you never really mentioned that you wanted to be a full pledged artist or a musician (not to me anyway). Although saying that, you considered going to high school in Mt. Makiling.
Then you got into reading the Bible and prayer books. You prayed the rosary more often than anyone I know. You turned into this very religious young boy. Mama told me that when she noticed you reading the Bible and praying a lot, she wondered whether you wanted to be a priest. And when she asked you, you just simply smiled. I remember when I was telling my friend about you. She said that if you were still here, you would have been a "prophet" when you grew up. But then she said, people who don't have the "faith" may not have believed in you because they wouldn't understand that you were sent on earth with that purpose. Perhaps this is also the reason why God has taken you away, so that you will not have to go through scorning from unbelievers.
Inang's dream keeps popping in my head. Tito JL told me that they made you a Sto. Nino. And my friend also told me that you looked like Sto. Nino anyway. I am not sure, but somehow at the back of my head I am thinking that maybe there was something religious in you. Only if someone can definitely tell us what your real purpose on earth was. But for the meantime, I will just have to keep finding out about that purpose.
I sent Mama a message earlier on because I wanted to find out how their first day at school was. Mama said your Adings were okay but Mama of course missed you even more. She said it is totally different now because before there were four of you going to school together and now there's just the three of them. I know this times are the hardest times for all of us especially Mama. Your Adings apparently keep talking about you. They obviously miss you especially when they're doing homework because you used to do it with them. And most importantly, you used to teach your Adings on their home works.
It must be really hard for Mama not to think about you whenever they go to school. I remember her telling me that she used to wake you up first. She used to call you from the stairs. I know school only started yesterday, but maybe they have already been late going to school because Mama told me that she misses you more when they're late because you were the one who used to remind her that you were already late. And this is because you always wanted to be on time for school.
Whilst I am writing this I am trying to imagine you and your Adings going to school together because I don't have any recollection of those days. I know I went home in November one time but sadly I can't remember any of it. I can picture you as happy kids, always excited for school. In fact I remember now, you have a group photo in your school uniforms with Ate Bianca.
How I wish I could see more of this.
I am just missing you so much. I will never get tired of telling you how much I love you, as much as I did when you were with us.
And so I have asked my religious friend what she thinks of Inang's dream. First of all, she said she is happy for Inang because not eveyrone is lucky to have such a meaningful dream. I don't know but my friend has always told me that I have the gift of dreams. I may have this gift but she definitely has the power of interpreting dreams. She has always claimed that her faith makes her see things differently and she's maybe right. Because while I was listening to her, Inang's dream became clearer to me.
And here's what she thinks of Inang's dream:
1. Closed doors and windows- a closed setting and not everyone is allowed inside. Remember when they shut the door behind Inang? My friend said that Inang shouldn't have been inside and that she didn't belong there because "it is not her time yet". And the same can be said when the old man ignored her. Apparently he was not happy for Inang to be inside the house or room and questioning her why she was there.
2. People in White - means sanctification, heaven....
3. The Ritual (you lying on top of a bed covered with white sheets) - Sounds like it's their way of offering you to God and it's a sign of pureness and holiness. The bed you were on represents an "altar". While she was telling me all this, I was like imagining you in a film or something.
4. The Wings - Apparently the lady in white was trying to explain what they were doing to Inang in "human" language, because Inang wouldn't have understood what was going on if the lady talked the way they do in heaven. Wings basically represents an Angel.
5. Being dressed like a prince - only means that they have prepared you to go home to God.
6. The Gold colour (of your outfit) - Gold signifies something precious and it only means that you are different from others and that you are special.
She told me that we should get over the pain of losing you because she believes that you would come back and eventually start talking to us. She strongly believes that you were different from all of us and that you had and still have messages to tell us. And the only way we can let you speak to us is if we just rejoice on the fact that you are now in heaven and that you were not one of us. I don't know what she exactly means by that but I am hoping that she's right.
Ah, I can't wait for the day that you would finally start talking to us. I hope it will be very soon. I miss you anak. I love you.
..and you would have been on sixth grade. My heart is breaking as I was looking forward to your grade school graduation so I could finally take you here for vacation. I know you said before that I kept saying that but nothing was happening. Only because I had a better plan for you. I know you understand naman anak.
I spoke to some of your friends a few days ago and they're excited for school to start. You probably would have been excited also. I am not sure what your section is called now, but Rang-Ay will forever be in my heart because that was the last section you were in. So here's Rang-Ay 14 forever:
The Boys:
The Girls
And then there was you....
I am really glad Teacher Jeff took these pictures of you and your friends. I will forever treasure this in my heart. This reminds me a letter your friends wrote for you on your send off. They wanted you to take the letters when you went but I decided to keep them so I can read it and probably share it on my letters to you.
Remember the big decision that I told you about a few weeks ago anak? Well, I am glad I didn't look back. I am starting to see a positive outcome from that decision and I am really glad I didn't think twice about going for it. Whatever happens next is just going to be a bonus now as I think I already got what I have originally asked for. But if God decides to give me more, then even better.
So how are you anak? You haven't visited me in a while and I am missing you loads already. I have been off for a week and I never really dreamed about you. Visit me soon okay? I am really missing you.
I have not much to say at the moment anak because I got home quite late and I am tired. I will just have to leave you with this poem because I know you are my hope...
Angel of Hope
An angel to guide you through your toughest day An angel to wash all your rears away An angel to firmly hold your hand An angel to talk to, someone to understand An angel to comfort you through a hard time An angel to give you hope that everything will be fine An angel to show you the strength to cope An angel so beautiful, an angel called Hope.
- Susan Brealey
Keith anak, please do remember that Mommy loves you no matter what. I miss you so much balong.
