Daddy came home early from work yesterday around 630pm. He asked me if I wanted to go out but I said no because I was going to work today and I had to cook for my baon. He said he needed to go out because he was stressed with work the day before. So I said he could go without me which he did. I told him to bring his mobile but it had no battery so there was no point. I was giving him my other mobile but he refused to take it.
I was hoping he would come home early thinking that he will work the following day. But 1130pm came and he still wasn't home. There was no way I could contact him so I didn't know where he was. I have this tendency to panic if he doesn't come home at the I am expecting him to. At first, I thought I'd sit at home and wait. But after playing a few rounds on Bejewelled Blitz, I started to worry and couldn't sleep. By this time it was already quarter to 12 (midnight). I wanted to try and sleep because I was going to do an extra shift today, but because I was in a panic mode, I couldn't. Then I started feeling sick and having loose stools. Perhaps due to stress. So I dressed up and decided to go out and wait for him at the bus stop. This was already 12 midnight. I was not scared because I could still see people walking down the street and some stores were still open. You know what anak, I already have this problem even when I was in the Philippines. When Papa or Tatang didn't come home on time, I would go out in the street on my own to look for them even if Inang told me not to. And then every time I heard a loud noise, I would start panicking. Just like last night, I got very nervous whenever I heard a siren.
Anyway, I thought I'd let someone know about this so I texted my friend and asked if she was still awake, and she was. So I told her that I was outside and waiting for your Daddy because he hasn't come home since 7pm. I told her I was okay so she just told me to ring her if I needed anything and I left it there.
More or less ten buses have passed by and Daddy was not in any of them. I almost felt like I wanted to pass out. I was shaking and palpitating. It was just before 1am when my friend called back and told me that her husband was on his way to keep me company because they were worried about me for being outside that time of the night. So he came and asked if I wanted to go find him, but I told him I didn't know where he was. We ended up going to all the bus stops that I could possibly think of where he might get off. My friend's husband reassured me that everything would be okay and that Daddy would be home soon. But the state of panic I was in, I couldn't be reassured.
After 1am, buses would only come every half an hour so we decided to go home and have a cup of tea. Thirty minutes later, I asked him if we could go back to the bus stop and check on Daddy. Three buses came and he wasn't there. Then my friend told me, okay we'll give it until 2-230. And if he still won't turn up, come and stay with us. I wouldn't know what to do if he still didn't turn up at that time. But luckily, at 2am, he finally arrived. I was relieved at the same time I was very angry at him for not even trying to call me or send me a message. The last time he forgot his mobile at home, he used the public phone to call me and even went to a computer shop to send me a message. But why didn't he do that this time?
He was surprised to see me with my friend. Daddy said, "oh you're so sweet for coming here". I was like, "really?". Apparently he met some people and he was with them. I really didn't care if he was with anybody or not. I just wanted to know where he was. Then he told me I shouldn't really have bothered other people. He clearly didn't realize the situation that he had put me in. He even said that it was only 2am and that I was just over reacting. I was gob-smacked honestly. I didn't even know what to say. I just cried to relieve my frustrations and then chatted to a couple of my friends until 5am.
He probably didn't realize that I'm still not over your passing. The pain of losing you remains unbearable. And just the thought of the possibility that something might happen to your Daddy was making me crazy. I really don't want to go through that horrible experience again, or even just the thought of it. I am not sure if I would be strong enough if anything happens to him or any of our family, God forbid. So I was expecting that Daddy would understand that. But he seemed like he didn't care about how I felt.
I still haven't spoken to him properly yet. I don't even know where to start. But I know I have to tell him how I feel. For now I should just :
Thanks for listening anak. I know you were with me last night because you were constantly in my thoughts. I love you so much. I miss you.
Mommy Tintin
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