The Compassionate Friends

I finally managed to attend the compassionate friends meeting last night after a few attempts in the last 8 months or so. Just after you left, I was constantly looking for charities or groups that support bereaved parents. I found Grieving Mothers first and then The Compassionate Friends. I realized that when you are grieving, you tend to look for people who has had the same experience as you. You feel the need to know that you are not alone and that other people out there has gone through the same path as you have. I knew from the start that no one would ever understand the depth of my sorrow and pain unless they also have lost a child. This is why I am so glad that I found these two groups.

I was late at the meeting because as usual, I couldn't find the place. I was getting scared because the area was dark and there was hardly any people passing by. Luckily there was this one guy who helped me and showed me where the meeting was. When I entered the room, everyone looked at me and thanked me for coming. I was actually surprised that everyone was 50 years old and above. At first I thought I would be out of placed, but I went in anyway.

They were talking about suicide when I arrived. I know the topic was irrelevant to me, but somehow it got me thinking. The only man in the group was talking about signs that a child is in a verge of suicide and I kinda thought that maybe, just maybe this is one of the reasons why you were taken away early. I am not sure if I was right to think that way, but at some point when you were still here, Daddy and I briefly discussed this. I actually started it because I noticed that you were very shy and quiet and you really were not good at showing your true emotions. You have always been a strong boy. And even when you were a baby, you really very rarely cried, even when you were growing up.

One of the signs that the man said was being easily irritated by noise or something like that. And I thought that you were like that. I can clearly remember Mama telling me that you would go inside the house if kids you were playing with starts to be noisy and naughty.

What I am trying to say anak is that because of how you were with your emotions, I am scared that you may become depressed or something like that. And the fact that you were an artist kind of made us think more of this because of Van Gogh and other artists who suffered with depression.

Then they also talked about bullying which again was my other main concern. Remember when kids at school were pinchig your cheeks and you would go home very red? Whenever Mama and Inang asked you what happened you wouldn't say anything and you were not really the kind of child who would fight back if being teased or anything like that. Knowing you, you would have been a very good victim of bullying.

Listening to them discussing those topics somehow made me realize that maybe it's true when they said that God took you away to spare you from the sufferings of this world. Now I think it is making more sense to me. 

I am really glad that I went because I was able to express myself freely without having to think what people may say. This is for the reason that everyone in the room has lost a child. They exactly know what I am going through right now.

I still have a lot to say but this letter is going to be very long if I carry on, so I will write about it again tomorrow anak.

Please know that you always make Mommy proud even now that you are no longer with us. I love you much balong and I am missing you terribly.

Mommy Tintin