I thought I was just going to sit in there and listen to their stories, but after maybe 20 minutes they all turn to me and asked me to tell my story. I started by telling them that I lost you early this year and then I went on and on and on. It always excites me when people actually listen to my stories about you. All eyes were at me while I was talking. Someone was teary-eyed when I started telling them that you really never wanted to show us that you were suffering. I was also trying to hold my tears but reliving that moment when I received that phone call from my friend was too painful. At one point it felt surreal that I am actually in a group of bereaved parents, talking about how I lost you. It was so difficult but somehow lightened up my load a bit because I was talking to people who have gone through the same experience of losing a child.
I felt better when I started talking about you as a child. I told them that you played the violin and that you were an artist. Everyone was so interested to see your paintings, but unfortunately I didn't have them with me. One of them suggested that I should put it in an album so I can show them to people. Then I remember I had that drawing that you kept in your wallet, so I showed it to them. Everyone was in awe and they just kept saying how amazing your drawing is! Some of them tried to interpret it. Of course, they saw it differently. The only man in the group stared at it for a while and said that actually, there was a face in that drawing. A happy and calming face. They suggested that I should show it to an artist because it is an amazing drawing. They were curious about the man in a cross shape at the bottom of the heart. How I wish I knew what you were thinking when you drew that. But it doesn't matter now. What's important is that I can show it to other people and they can interpret it the way they want it.
Apart from that they were amazed at how wonderful you were as a child. They said that you have probably have achieved more than some adults in their lifetime. They believe that you have already fulfilled your purpose in earth that's why God has taken you sooner than we expected.
All of them said that their children were also quiet, loving, thoughtful, caring and talented as you. They reassured me that God indeed only takes the good ones first.
I was so proud of you anak, because these people are strangers and they actually admire you for being the person that you were.
I liked the group and I love the fact that I was able to speak about you for as long as I wanted. And perhaps I have finally found the comfort that I have been looking for. I don't know, but knowing that there are people like us out there who are willing to listen and give us a helping hand in the most difficult time of our lives is very comforting and reassuring. Mind you, they are much older than me. Some are even older than Inang. And yes, they have lost their children 5-6 years ago and they're still there. I am telling you, the pain never goes away. Some of them still cried when they talked about their child.
I am just so happy that I have found a new network of people in London, maybe for a different reason, but I am hoping to build friendships with them. They seemed all very nice.
I will definitely go back next month and see how it goes again. Thank you so much baby.
I love and miss you so so much.
Mommy Tintin
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