Mommy is not well

physically and emotionally.

I don't know but the pain on my left arm suddenly came back few weeks ago. Although I managed to put up with the pain for so long, yesterday it was a little too much to bear. When I woke up in the morning, I almost could not lift my arm. It was so painful. My hand and my fingers also get painful, after a tingling sensation. Then my left hand turns colder than the right. I have been ignoring it because it feels the same as when I had an arm pain few years ago, only worse. At that time, I had MRI scan and a nerve conduction test which were both negative, so I didn't pay too much attention to it. Besides I have not had any pain for a while. But perhaps all the stress that I have gone through in the last few months brought all the pain back. And yesterday it was probably exacerbated by what I would consider as a nervous breakdown.

Despite the pain on my arm and my hand, I still wanted to go to work because I hate being off sick. Not only that, I really don't want people at work to think anything bad against me. They will probably never understand how I am feeling after I lost you. No one will, unless they have lost a child too. That's why no matter how hard it is sometimes, I force myself to go out and try to just be my old self. It is really hard you know, for I know that I will never be the same again. But I know I have to try.

Daddy has also been busy with work recently. He has deadlines to meet that is why he has been quite stressed for the last few days. And yesterday, his stress finally took its toll on him. He was working on something on his laptop while I was preparing to leave for Bristol. The next thing I knew, he was lying on the floor, his hands on his face. I asked him what was wrong, but he couldn't even say a word. He was just breathing very deep. He looked really really stressed. I have never seen him in that state before. I hugged him and reassured him that everything will be alright. Then he sat on the couch and was just staring blankly at the laptop. I didn't know what to do. I knew something was wrong with him. I think I know your Daddy well enough to say whether or not he's okay. Anyhow, I still prepared to leave.

As I picked my bag, I looked at your Daddy again and still, I knew he was not right. Suddenly fear overtook me. I started trembling and crying uncontrollably. I knew from that moment that I didn't want to leave your Daddy. I tried to divert my negative thoughts into something positive, but I failed. I hugged him tightly and told him I would not leave him. He told me he was going to be alright and that I should go to work instead. But I was crying and started panicking. I was so scared that if I left him, something bad might happen to him. I had horrible, horrible thoughts. I couldn't leave him. I knew I shouldn't. My gut instinct was telling me to stay. I was trying to fight it but I was losing. All I wanted was to be with  Daddy. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. It took Daddy a little more than half an hour to calm me down. And by that time, I have missed my bus. My arm was even more painful that what it was. It even hurt so much to lift my bag. I tried to rest it after that hoping that I could leave later, but it didn't work. So I decided to stay home and just rest altogether. My arm is not any better now. As I write this I keep on moving it as I can't let it stay in one position for a long time, otherwise it hurts. I have made an appointment with my GP tomorrow to make sure nothing is wrong.


I really don't know what happened yesterday. Until now I can't seem to figure it out. I know it would have been some sort of a nervous breakdown. The thought of anything bad happening to your Daddy or anyone in our family really scares the hell out of me. I don't think I can take anymore of that. It will probably kill me. But I am emotionally better now. Still worried about a lot of things, but at least I am better than I was yesterday.


I am so sorry about this baby. What happened to you is really too much to take. I am not even over it yet and I don't think I'll ever be. The pain is still as much as it was when I received that horrible phone call. I don't really know when I am going to get better. But for sure, this is what I need:

from shawee23.tumblr.com

Oh my baby, how I miss you so much. Please ask Father God to take all my fears away. I can't live in fear for a long time. I don't know what to do. All I know is I love you so.




Mommy Tintin