Do people really care?

I keep asking myself this question because sometimes I feel that other people really don't care that I have lost you. Maybe they do, but keeping silent doesn't really tell me anything does it? I am talking about friends and family who despite knowing what I and our family have gone and are still going through cannot even spend 5 minutes of their time to check on us. It's just disappointing that those whom you expected to understand you more and walk with you through this journey are the ones who seem not to care. Some may say of course they do, it's just that...What? They know what I am going through and that they don't want to be a burden to me? Or it's because they don't know what to say, they don't want to upset me? Or is it because they have their own lives to live and problems to face, therefore can't be bothered? But this is not a big thing that I am asking for! All I need is just a simple hi,hello,how are you?, we're here if you need anything and stuff like that...My point is, if people  I don't really know personally and friends whom I've just met are able to check on me every now and again, why can't my family and friends do the same? It makes me wonder you know. All I am asking really is some thoughtfulness. Or is this a tradition of some sort that when a friend or family loses someone, you say "I'm so sorry for your loss" once, and never say a word ever again. If the person isn't a family or a friend, then fine, I will truly understand. But these are your so-called friends and families! Where are they when you actually need someone to comfort you and reassure you that things will be okay?Yes, grieving mothers are right. No one will ever understand me unless they have lost a child. But then again, I am not even asking for understanding. Just a simple thought really. And to show me that they care. 

Just like  the facebook page that I made for you. I only created that page so people will not forget you. So we can say anything to you when we are missing you. But guess who visits the page? Majority of them are my acquaintances and friends that I have only met on facebook. See, most of the people who liked that page are those I have kindly asked to do so. Some of them are fellow grieving mothers who voluntarily liked your page. And yes, some of them I really didn't have to ask. I am so grateful for these people for taking their time for you and me. I have already posted an invite to like your page once before and I don't want to do it again. Because I am sure my friends and family are already aware of it and if they really wanted to show their support on this matter, then they could have done it the first time I shared the link on my facebook page.

I don't know why I am so bitter and insecure at the moment. Perhaps because people only seem to remember me when they need something. Why can they do that and not even dare to ask how I am? Is it because their life is good and mine isn't, so they no longer care? 

I am so sorry anak if I am upset at the moment. It's just that I have my own expectations and I am just disappointed because these expectations are not met. It's entirely my fault as I shouldn't really expect anything from anyone. But if only these people knew better about supporting a grieving mother......

FRIENDS SUPPORT GUIDE

For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.

6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
a. Bring food
b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself
c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his
death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.

7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused

8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.

9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...

Thank you for listening anak ko. Please bear with Mommy sometimes okay? I miss you so very much and I love you so.

Mommy Tintin