Could this be the beginning?

I have this ambivalent feeling towards the good things that are happening right now (and will still happen) in my life. I feel like I shouldn't be happy when things start to fall right into place. And who can blame me? Last year I was having the time of my life. I got my dream job, a bit more money, stable married life and a complete family. I couldn't have asked for more. If I was able to build a new house for you and our family, that would have been just a bonus. I almost had everything that I wanted in my life. But then sadly, you were taken away.

And now that the same thing is about to happen, I am scared that beyond another successes is another heartbreak. As much as I want to be very happy, I am holding back because of what happened last year. I don't want to be happy again and then something bad will happen, God forbid. A lot of  times when I can't help myself but be happy, I would suddenly stop and think that the last time I did that, you were taken away. So sometimes if I am laughing too much when at work, with friends or even with Daddy Don, negative thoughts come rushing through my head and then I'll stop. Perhaps this is what losing someone can do. 

I hope that this time anak will be different form last year. Remember when people said that you were taken away for a reason and that we will see within the next two years good things will start happening to us? I truly hope so, because even if no better thing can replace you, I am still hoping that somehow we will find the reason why you were taken away.

Today, I hope I made you proud up there. I know God helped me and you too. Although I was hopeful, I was not expecting to be given that opportunity. So I hope that this time it will be better and that this will be the beginning of something beautiful and new. With the Lord's grace....

By the way, Tito JL had a centipede in his room the other night and he didn't know what to do with it because he was scared. Then I told him to kill it. Papa then found out about it too and so did Mama, and they both said not to kill it, but just to get rid of it because you wouldn't have wanted to kill it. So Tito flushed it in the sink, haha! So sorry anak I forgot that you didn't kill anything that had life even if they could be harmful. Next time, I know what to say and do.

Are you missing me? I bet you do. If only I can speak to you on skype again and tell you how handsome you are. I am missing you so much.

I love you.

Mommy Tintin