I'm struggling

There are some things in life I know I shouldn't get involved with. But being the caring person that I am, I get easily affected by things happening around me, even if it's not directly my problem. I don't really know why things never get better. One day, I am hopeful, most days I am struggling to keep things, more so our family together. Your passing shouldn't be the reason for us to grow apart, but I don't know what else I can do. I am so far away from them. Sometimes I even think if I should really care anymore. Why do I always have to think about other people first before myself? If these people do not care about the people around them, then why should I? For once, I thought that maybe I should stop caring for them totally and let them live the way they want to, without my support whatsoever. They just don't realize that what they're doing is putting so much stress on me. How many times do I have to speak to them? How many more times do I have to beg them to change for the better? I don't know anymore.

I want to be selfish and just think about myself and no one else. I think I wanna do that. I am trying to help them, but are they helping me at all? No. I don't even know how they see me. I know I sound ambiguous at the moment. How I wish I can say directly what I want to say. It's hard when you have your own problems , yet you also have to carry other people's burden. Why do these things still happen after losing you? 

I don't know how long will I be able to take all this. I have been trying to be strong, but I can only do that for sometime. 

Why is life so unfair? 

I know you're not going to be happy about this anak, but I have no one to talk to at the moment, just you. Thank you for being there. At times when I want to give up, I think of you and I immediately pick myself up and there I go again ready for the next fight.

You know I love you, right? Missing you terribly especially at times like this when I feel so all alone. But I'll be okay. "Kaya ko ito, Ako pa!".

Mommy Tintin