Happy New Year!

Happy New Year anak. Time flies really fast. In 28 days, it's going to be a year since you left us. I can't believe it's been that long. Same time last year, you were going to hear the midnight mass. I remember you didn't want to go to Inang's church because you were not comfortable. You wanted to go to Methodist but somehow they managed to convince you to go with them. Little did they know, it was their last New Year's Eve with you. 

The funny story that I heard was you not wanting to walk to church with Ading Cxyrelle because she was wearing a gown. I remember Mama telling me about that story. You apparently told Mama, "Mama where is Ading going? Why is she wearing a gown? I am embarrassed to walk with her." Haha. You know how Ading Cxyrelle is like. If she wants to dress up, she doesn't care what she's wearing as long as she likes it. Haha.

Someone told me that you lit up firecrackers after church with him and Ading. I know you've always wanted to do that. But I'm sure that you also did some with Tito JL.

I haven't spoken to our family so I don't know what they've been up to. I just texted Mama earlier and she said they were going to church. I have spoken to Papa already. Tito Gil and Tita Joie are here to celebrate New Year's with us. We are hoping to skype with your Adings later. I hope they're not too tired to talk to us.

How is New Year's Eve in heaven? I hope you can tell me all about it. Tonight we're going to watch the fireworks along the river. It will be a K Lighter day!

I miss you so much anak. I hope you're here with us. I love you okay?

Mommy Tintin

Just asking

Whenever I hear something that really hurts me, I can't help but ask,

Why you and not somebody else?

I know it's not right to wish this on anybody else, but if it would mean peace and happiness then God should have done it the other way. I still can't understand why He took someone like you, someone who would have made a lot of difference in this world, someone who could have served Him more. And why not those who bring only heartaches and tears into this world? I don't get it. It's so unfair.

I just want to the reason why He took you instead of someone else. It's almost a year now and I am still at a lost. Your passing should have made things better, but it made it worse, a lot worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

Please anak, I know you're watching over us. Please never let something bad happen to any of us, especially your Adings, Mama and Inang. I don't know if I should still pray because God doesn't seem to hear me when I pray. Some people don't even pray but never go through what we are going through, so I don't know what's right anymore.

Well anak, please never forget that Mommy loves you very much. If only God took somebody else instead of you, then life would have been easier. Whatever reason God has, I want to know. Missing you loads baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

Natasha's Mom

I don't think I have told you about Ading Natasha before. Oh actually,  I may have mentioned her to you once. I was on facebook and saw her Mom's post today, so I thought I'd tell you more about her. Since Natasha passed away, her Mom has been visiting her resting place almost everyday, if not everyday and she takes pictures each time. It really doesn't matter what time of day it is, she's there. There was one time when she was at Natasha's resting place at dawn. I really feel so sorry for her as I feel like she is really struggling to cope with her loss. I am assuming though because I really don't know how she's coping. But based on her posts, she is still very much in pain. It has now been more than a year since Natasha left her, and she still sound the same. 

I met Natasha's Mom through Grieving Mothers. I was desperate to find Angel Moms when you left us so I went through all websites that I could find. I was a bit relieved when I found Natasha's Mom. So, I sent her a message and that's how our friendship started. Although we really seldom write to each other now, I still follow her posts on facebook.

My heart breaks everytime I read her posts because I could feel her pain. She still hasn't forgiven the person who killed Natasha, who happened to be her Dad. It's sad no, anak? So please if you meet Ading Natasha up there, please look after her. I'm sure she misses her Kuyas and I know you will be a good Kuya to her.

Photo from Natasha's Mom's facebook page

I miss you so much baby ko. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Spirit medium

Remember the poem I sent you last night anak? It was from a spirit medium and since I found her, I have been thinking whether I should get in touch with her. I am kind of fascinated about this thing because I have heard about it before and it seems to be true. In fact, remember when you were young and Inang would have her "spirit" moments where she would just start crying and then speak like the spirit in her? Yes, that sort of thing. So, I was thinking maybe I should email the lady and ask her if she can speak to you. I know you're very much okay where you are, but I want to know more. And I also want to prove that this is indeed real because she doesn't know you and me, so whatever she says perhaps will be from whatever you tell her. Well, I hope anyway.

Maybe I will have to think really hard about it because it's not cheap. It is $200 dollars per telephone consultation. Daddy Don doesn't believe in spirit mediums so he is against it. But I have read testimonies about the lady  (Necole Stephens) and the people she has helped seem to be convinced that it's true, you know. 

But what do you think? If that's the only way I could speak to you again somehow, then I don't really care how much I have to pay. I just want to know what you have to say. I'm sure you have other things that you wanted to say before you left. Besides, I want to find out why you left and what really happened. Please anak, help me decide on this. I really want to try and see if the lady can reach you. I just want to speak to you. That's all.

I miss you so much more today because it's exactly a month before you left us. I love you so much baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

Dear Santa

Growing up, I really can't remember believing in Santa Claus. Maybe I did, but I just can't remember. Of course we had secret Santa at school, but that was different because I basically knew that the gift came from one of my classmates. But when it comes to Christmas stockings, I don't think I ever had one when I was a child. I really never asked for any gift from Santa as far as I can remember. Automatically though on Christmas day, we would go to out godparent's house and there, they would give us money, candies and some gifts. Other than that, I think I never got one from Santa.

So two days after Christmas and the spirit is still very much around. I actually saw this poem that was posted by Grieving Mothers and I find it cute. I don't know how you celebrate Christmas up there. Maybe it is more beautiful than here. And I'm sure St. Nick is the one entertaining the baby angels. Ah, how I wish you could tell me how you celebrate Christmas up there. 

Anyway, here's the poem by Necole Stephens:

Dear Santa, 

I'm writing you this letter as I'm feeling a little blue, 

so I hope you don't think that I'm asking too much of you. 

You visit every year and leave everyone such wonderful things,

 but I'm wondering if you also visit our loved ones who have wings. 

I know you must be busy, so much to do in just one night, 

but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?

You see, we have special loved ones, too perfect for life on earth. 

No presents could we send them, to truly show their worth. 

So could you please leave them all a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, 

filled with precious presents from their loved ones on the ground.

 Please stroke their sleepy heads, tell them their families love them so.

 If you could do this for me Santa, their families might be able to smile, 

if only just for a tiny little while. 

Thank you so much for everything you do. 

After all it is Christmas up in Heaven too.

I know we don't really have to ask Santa this because I'm sure you have your own Santa up there. But knowing you, maybe you won't be queuing for gifts. You will say that you're no longer a child and that you don't need to ask Santa for anything.

I so miss you so much. How I wish I can speak to you in my dreams just to see how you're doing up there. As much as I am confident that you're very well, I just want to hear your voice once more. I love you anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

Probably your last trip to Jollibee

Almost a month before you left and I am trying to remember the things that you did on your last few days with us as much I can. Surprisingly enough, there are not a lot of photos on Mama's facebook page. But there was this one time when you all went to Olongapo. Mama told me that it was after Christmas. I know you really didn't like Jollibee that much. You would rather eat in Chow King. And when you were younger you developed a skin allergy which prohibited you from eating chicken. This is one of the reasons why you didn't want to eat in Jollibee anymore. But growing up you were really a responsible young lad. You didn't eat chicken and eggs for a while, but then they realized that perhaps the chicken skin might be the one causing you the allergy so you started eating chicken again.

So, here's your last memory in Jollibee. 

The last photo was taken when you were apparently looking for Inang. You were worried because she might get lost. 

You are so handsome anak. It's so sayang talaga. I am missing you as usual. The past four days have been very busy for me, but I never stop thinking about you. I love you so much.

Mommy Titin

Their visit to Aga

Before Christmas, Mama and your Adings visited Aga. It looks like they had a lot of fun. I am very happy that they all managed to keep in touch especially now that you're no longer here and Aga has transferred to another school. I'm sure you're happy about that too.

They definitely miss you and I know you miss them too.

I miss and love you.

By the way, how's your Christmas up there?

Mommy Tintin

Our first Christmas without you

I haven't properly spoken to our family yet because the first time I called, Mama and your Adings were sleeping and Inang was still at the church. And then when I called again Mama was at Tito JL's house. Your Ading's didn't want to wake up, unlike before when you all went next door for the noche buena. I will call again a bit later. I'm sure they will be awake by then. As for me, I am having the Christmas blues. I have just shed some tears because I was chatting with one of my friends in the US and we talked about you. And then I was looking at your Christmas photos last year, which happened to be your last Christmas with us.

You know what? I noticed that in your last photos in December 2011, you were always smiling. Quite unusual I thought because you very rarely smiled at the camera. And why the formal photo op with Mama Es, Daddy, Ninang Mary and Tito JL? I don't think you've done that before. Your photos were normally candid shots. But anyway, I just want to share your last Christmas photos:

See what I mean? You have that smirk on your face. And can I just say that you are wearing your favourite shirt again.

Well baby, greet Papa Jesus Happy Birthday for me okay? Have a Happy Christmas anak ko. I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Our Christmas Card especially for you

Hi anak, I've just made a christmas card for you and I hope you will like it.

This is it for now as I am getting very lonely. Please remember that we love you so very much. Happy Christmas baby.

Mommy Tintin

End of the world

Nostradamus predicted that yesterday was meant to be the end of the world. I am telling you this now because I remember about the same time last year you were apparently telling Inang and Mama that 2012 is going to be the end of the world. You said that the signs would be water, that there will be a lot of flooding that was going to happen. Ha, you probably read this in one of your researches. I know you loved reading on the internet.

And yes, have you heard of "Gangnam Style"? I don't know why people have associated this with the end of the world, but it's obvious that some people took this seriously. Probably because Nostradamus apparently described the end of the world as this:

"From the calm morning, the end will come ... When of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9."

So, there you go. I'm sure if you were here you would have loved watching the video on you tube. I remember you loved watching funny videos.  Just in case you missed this one, here it is:

And yeah, it has reached 1 billion hits! Ah you're really missed. I can imagine you and Ading Linus watching this on you tube and laughing your heads off. I can hear your laugh right now. Oh how I miss hearing you laugh. I love you okay? Please never forget that. Whatever happens, you will always be in my heart. 

Mommy Tintin

Ading's school play

So, Ading Linus played Angel Gabriel at their school's Christmas play. I'm sure you are so proud of him up there. Oh, have you met angel Gabriel? Well, if you see him better tell him that your little brother played him at their school play and Ading made a handsome Gabriel, huh!  I grabbed Ading's photos from Kuya CK just to show you:

Well, Ading doesn't seem to be that shy anymore. I know when he was in nursery he was very active then he became shy. And now look,  Ading is amazing! 

Hayyy, I wish you were there to see it personally. But anyway, I'm sure you saw it somehow.

4 days before Christmas and I am missing you loads. I love you Pochongchong!

Mommy Tintin

Eulogy

I have lost a few loved ones before but I really never gave a eulogy. But it was different when you left. I didn't even hesitate. I actually told Tito Roman that whatever happened, I would have to talk about you and there was only one thing that I wanted people to know - that you were an exceptional and inspirational kid! For the first time in my life, I was not shy in front of more than a hundred people. My eagerness to let people know about you took over my stage fright. Of course, I cried but I was so proud of you at that moment and I knew that that was my biggest chance to brag about "the son any parent would wish to have". I told them facts about you that none of your friends probably knew. There were tears and there wear laughters too. Perhaps, any parent who lost a child would want to take that last moment to say all the wonderful things that they have to say about their lost child. While some would like their eulogy to be simple, and straight forward, I wanted mine to be as long as possible. I didn't want to miss any of your milestones.

I am telling you about this now because I read one mother's eulogy and as simple as it may be, it is so touching:

"The sky is crying, and the flags are at half-mast. It is a sad, sad day. But it is also your day, Noah, my little man. I will miss your forceful and purposeful little steps stomping through our house. I will miss your perpetual smile, the twinkle in your dark blue eyes, framed by eyelashes that would be the envy of any lady in this room.

Most of all, I will miss your visions of your future. You wanted to be a doctor, a soldier, a taco factory manager. It was your favorite food, and no doubt you wanted to ensure that the world kept producing tacos.

You were a little boy whose life force had all the gravitational pull of a celestial body. You were light and love, mischief and pranks. You adored your family with every fiber of your 6-year-old being. We are all of us elevated in our humanity by having known you. A little maverick, who didn't always want to do his schoolwork or clean up his toys, when practicing his ninja moves or Super Mario on the Wii seemed far more important.

Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven. Take flight, my boy. Soar. You now have the wings you always wanted. Go to that peaceful valley that we will all one day come to know. I will join you someday. Not today. I still have lots of mommy love to give to Danielle, Michael, Sophia and Arielle.

Until then, your melody will linger in our hearts forever. Momma loves you, little man."

Victoria Pozner (mother to 6-year old Noah)

Mommy is proud of you forever. I miss you so much. Love lots beautiful angel Keith.

Mommy Tintin

All I want for Christmas...

While other parents are excited to buy gifts for their children, I am wishing just for one thing-  you! I know it is impossible, but if there is one thing that God would ask me to do, I would do it without a doubt just to have you back. It's only a few days before Christmas and I still don't feel it. Yes, there are christmas ornaments all over London, but they no longer have no meaning to me. While I was waiting for the tube this afternoon, I was kind of thinking that Christmas is just going to be an ordinary day and it will soon pass. The new year will be here soon too, but same thing- it will pass. 

Mama told me that she's planning to have your netbook fixed as your christmas gift. I know you would love that. We know how important that netbook is to you. You did quite a bit of work on that little thing before you left us. Remember you made the star-fishing artwork on there? It would be really nice if Mama can have that fixed.

Is there anything else that you would have liked for Christmas? I really never heard you ask for anything for Christmas, so I'm sure you will be okay with whatever. As for me, I probably will go to Church with Meow and Daddy to pray for you and to thank God at the same time. I know I sometimes make tampo, but thinking about it, there are still a lot of things that I can be thankful for. Sometimes I also think that God took you so you can be spared from all the heart aches that we still have to endure. I am certain that you are happier where you are.

By the way, I am reading a new book about heaven. I am not sure if I like it though because I don't get the way the writer was telling the story. Besides, it gives a different perspective on heaven. I still intend to finish it, but I am not enjoying it at the moment. I kind of like Heaven is for Real and 90 Minutes in Heaven better as that's how I know heaven.

So, I hope you will visit me for Christmas. I just want to hug you and kiss you again even just a dream. I will be missing you loads this Christmas. I love you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

New angels laid to rest

Almost five days after the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, families and friends of the victims face what would be the most difficult day of their lives as this would be the last time they will ever see their beautiful children. I can't even find the right words to say at this moment. I have been reading news about the shooting and it just hurts so bad. Seeing photos of those beautiful kids just tears my heart out. It brought back memories when you left. 

There have been lots and lots of tributes for the children and their teachers. And I am really grateful that there are grieving mothers out there who are willing to lend emotional support. Honestly anak, they are also of great help to me. Somehow I find comfort visiting their site and exchanging messages with other grieving mothers.

I found this beautiful poem on the site and I would like to share it with you:

Remembering Newtown Connecticut 

Little faces, little hands

Tiny minds with weekend plans

Full of hope as Christmas nears

Replaced with parents' bitter tears.

Twenty children full of joy

Took just moments to destroy

All their futures swept away

On this sad December day.

Heroes hid them from his sight

Gave their lives up in the fight

Twenty-six have died in vain

Hundreds filled with grief and pain.

Pray for those who died this day

And for those who walked away

Lives were shattered...hope is gone

Pray that they can carry on.

This was such a needless thing

Yet it keeps on happening

Loss of life from senseless crimes

These are sad and frightening times.

Pray for those this evil harms

With broken hearts and empty arms

With Christmas gifts to be returned

And lessons better left un-learned.

People need someone to blame

The news for giving killers fame...

Our mental health and gun reform

And meanwhile violence is the norm.

Pray our world can turn around

That some solution can be found

That love can overcome the hate

And peace can be our countries' fate.

Jennifer Komives ♥ Copyrights 2012

photos from grieving mothers

I'm sure you will soon meet them in heaven. You can teach them how to paint and play the violin. I wish you can tell me when you've met them. How I wish.

For now baby, I want you to know that I love you so much. Mommy misses you so badly.

Mommy Tintin

Someone In Heaven Loves Me by Shari Soklow

I am really grateful for Grieving Mothers on facebook because  of their encouraging and meaningful poems and photos. I also met a few grieving moms on that page that I now regularly keep in touch with. 

Today I want to share a poem with you:

Someone in Heaven loves me, 

And guides me on my way... 

I love someone in Heaven, 

But in my heart they will stay.

Heaven is not a far place... 

There is no better place it seems. 

Its a land more large and kind than earth, 

I go there in my dreams...

I thought this was the best place, 

When you were by my side. 

But when you left my heart broke- 

A million tears I cried!

Then one day I saw a miracle! 

That healed my broken heart. 

I realized the loss of you, was just in me, 

For the little while, we have to part-

While you are in your new life,

My journey is not through...

But the day will come for me to join you,

And start my life anew!

For our lives are like a circle

With no beginning and no end...

We are souls in physical bodies,

And those bodies, we will transcend...

Someone in Heaven loves me,

And guides me on my way.

Until we meet again in Heaven...A place not far away!

I know you love us as much as we love you anak. We miss you so so much!

Mommy Tintin

Your very last school Christmas party

I chatted with your friend HJ for a bit yesterday and she told me that she was preparing for your class Christmas party. I still like to talk about them or your school as if you never left. Last year, you had fu on your Christmas party and I'm glad Mama took some photos and videos. I can just look back at them this time of the year.

The first photo I will show you is the last Christmas photo you have with Ading Linus. You were wearing your favourite shirt. 

And this one is perhaps your last photo with your friends:

And these are your photos having fun:

And just like those 20 other angels and more, I'm sure you will have a better Christmas than those you left behind. I can imagine bright lights and voices of angels singing praises to Jesus. Oh, how I wish you could tell me how Christmas is like in heaven.

I miss you this christmas season and years to come! I will always love you.

Mommy Tintin

I am still heartbroken

Daddy and I watched more about what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this morning and we both couldn't contain our emotions. We found ourselves hugging each other and then tears started to fall. It was like January 28, 2012 all over again. A lot has been written about the tragic incident and it gets too much to bear sometimes. I was not sure at first if I should be sharing my opinion on this, but there was something I really wanted to say and so I wrote this:

Watching the heartbreaking news about the Connecticut tragedy only brings back the painful memory when I received the phone call that our son has passed away. What happened to those innocent kids in Newtown is beyond anything any parent would have imagined. Lucky are those parents who still have their children regardless of how naughty or stubborn or of a headache they are, because us grieving 

parents would rather have our children that way than lose them. And please do not tell your children, "Now be good, look at what happened to those children", because anyone does not need to be good to be spared from any tragedy, they are not necessarily bad that's why they are taken away. Our child was the definition of a good child and I believe so as most, if not all of those kids in Connecticut and yet we still lost them. Just hug your children tight and let them know how much you love them today and everyday of their lives. My heart goes out to the victims and their families.

It's really hard to speak in times like this. But since I have been and still going through what could be the most difficult journey of motherhood, I thought I'd extend my sympathy to the family of those children.

Photo from Grieving Mother's facebook page.

I'm sure one day soon you will meet at least one of the 20 kids that were taken away on Friday. I know without asking you, you will look after them. We love you so much dear angels and we will be missing you for the rest of our lives.

Mommy Tintin

20 new angels

I have just read a very sad news about a shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. I don't know what to say. What happened to you was ever so painful, but perhaps this tragedy is worse. At least we kind of believe that your passing was "maybe" God's will. But unfortunate circumstances like what happened to those children are quite difficult to understand. I feel so sorry to those parents who have lost their children from this. It is so heartbreaking.

Photo By ADREES LATIF/REUTERS (from yahoo.com)

The photo above caught my attention because it is so meaningful to me. I wonder if the man is looking up in the sky asking God why he allowed that to happen. In movies that I have watched before whenever someone looked up in the sky, they tend to ask where God was or if there was ever a God.

I feel so sad about what happened anak. Please pray for those angels and the families they left behind.

As for me, I am missing you so much. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Christmas won't be the same without you..

One of my favourite christmas songs sung by my favourite Martin Nieverra. I haven't actually sang the song for years and then yesterday I was watching my favourite Sarah G live and heard the song. It's actually more of a love song than anything else, but I just like the title because I know Christmas is never going to be the same without you. It's only a few days before Christmas and I am feeling the prick already. I don't know how Mama and your Adings are going to celebrate their Christmas, but I'm sure they will be missing you loads. As for me, I am still debating with Daddy Don whether to put up a Christmas tree or not. Maybe we should because this is Meow's first Christmas away from home. Maybe we should do it for him and perhaps for you. Unfortunately fireworks are not allowed here unless you get a permit. I know you loved fireworks.

Al though the song may not be appropriate for you, I just want to share it with you because I'm sure you haven't heard the song.

It's the time of year when good friends are near 

Tryin' hard to find a quiet moment, 

Sharing love and joy, children with their toys 

Sadness fills my heart to see you go 

Christmas won't be the same without you (without you) 

Christmas won't be the same if you go 

All I need to see standing by my 

Christmas tree (is you) 

Christmas won't be the same without you 

I remember when the times we used to spend 

Walking hand in hand until the sun sets, 

Then came Christmas eve, the wish you gave to me 

How I wish I tried to make you stay 

It's been a long, long time 

I need you by my side 

Hold me tight and don't let go 

Let go 

I will be missing you this Christmas and on Christmases to come. I love you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin