You live through your Adings

They finally heard the sound of the violin at home a few days ago. It has been almost two years since they heard you last play the instrument. It also took your Adings that long to finally pick up those instruments and play with them.

I am happy at the same time sad to see your Adings do what you loved doing. It would always been better if the three of you played those instruments. But I am happy still because you remain your Adings' inspiration. It's just that I always wish you were here, too.

Ading Linus plays the violin and the lyre.

Ading Cyrelle now plays the violin and she's enjoying it.

Ading Cxyrelle has always been into arts, but now she is an official art student at Casa San Miguel. And here are her first art works.

I know you are very proud of your Adings. I remember Ading Cxyrelle saying that you taught her how to mix colours. And Ading Linus of course, you taught him how to play the violin.

As much as I am very happy to see him enjoying what you used to enjoy, it hurts me so bad that you're not here to share it with them.

You are deeply missed every single day. I wish you can visit us again soon.

We love you so much Keith. YOu will forever be in our hearts.

Mommy Tintin

Guess what?

You probably already knew that Papa used to join poster making contests when he was younger. I have always known that he could draw very well. He actually also did some letterings as well. But you know, he really didn't pursue any of those talents. In fact when he became good at playing chess, he seemed to have forgotten his "talents". 

I was actually surprised when he started posting some of recent works. To be fair, he hasn't held a charcoal perhaps in more or less than 20 years. And all of a sudden he comes out with beautiful pieces. Inang told me that Papa wanted to follow your footsteps also. Funny, right? That your Papa is the one following your footsteps. I can see you smiling up there right now. You are probably also surprised. It's just a shame that you're no longer to look at Papa's work. Now I am wondering why he didn't do all this when you were here. He didn't even drew or painted with you I think. But, I think there is a purpose. Because then even if you are not here, your Papa and your Adings will continue what you have started.

I am just so happy to see Papa do what he used to love doing. It's just a shame you're not sure to enjoy it with him. I am sure you're in his thoughts when he's working.

Mama

 Ading Cxyrelle

This is what surprised me the post. I didn't know Papa can paint. He only ever used water colours and coloured pens. Hehe. But look, looks familiar, right? You are indeed his inspirations.

Hayyy Keith, I don't really know why you had to go. Things would have been better and far more enjoyable with you around. But hey....

I am missing you so much. It's almost two years now but the feeling is still the same.  You are greatly missed my Pochongchong. Mommy loves you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

Your second birthday in heaven

Today was entirely different from last year. Although I cried so much last night and this morning looking at your photos and remembering your previous birthdays, somehow throughout the day you made my day so much lighter.

I was woken up by your song "Lighters" because it's  my alarm music. Although today is not the official K Lighter Day, I still did the things that I know would make you happy. So I started your birthday by listening to your favourite song and then reading a bit of the Bible. Then Daddy and I went to St. Paul's cathedral to light  a candle and say a little prayer for you. Of course we brought Meowmeow too. Daddy and I were both wearing blue shirts.

Daddy had to watch football with a friend so I met up with my other friends for a bit. We had merienda at Lakwatsa in Notting Hill. They were wearing white and blue in your memory. Even the baby, Ellis was wearing your colours too. I was so touched by their gesture.

Daddy joined us afterwards and we headed to dinner that my other friends organized for you. Originally, I wanted the day to just be an ordinary day. Our plan was just  to go church and then have a picnic. But one of my friends suggested that we should do something. It ended up that there was more into what I already knew.

So we got to the restaurant and my friends' cameras were on us. I didn't realize that this was a surprise birthday party for you. They had Happy Birthday decorations and also had a cake for you. Since you were not here to blow the candle, Meowmeow and I had to do it for you.

Then they also had Chinese lanterns. We tried to light it up but because it was so windy, it didn't work.

Meanwhile back home, your friends spent almost all day at home. It's amazing how they've grown so fast. I am just so glad that they've kept the tradition of spending your birthday at home even if you're no longer with us.

Happy Birthday anak. I'm sure you're having a good one up above. We missed you so much today. We will never stop loving you.

Mommy Tintin

 

Update on your friends

So, I told you that your friends went back to school this week. I was not expecting that somehow, they will think of you. But your friend Xyryl posting something on her facebook that really warmed my heart. That was really unexpected. You have no idea how much it made me happy. However, it also made me sad at the same time knowing that you were not there with them. This is what she said:

"Iona Frederick Her Jae Ed Anthony Christelle Justin Joseph guys kung sakali lng ha kung sakali lng nmn kung buhay pa rin si keith hanggang ngayon tingin nyo magiging mas msya gr.7 nten ?  tingin nyo mas msya ang bawat araw na pumapasok tyu? at anung section sya cguro pag aagawn pa ata ee pero sna naabutan nya yung gr. 7 noh — feeling bad."

How sweet was that? I am just really happy that somehow you're still a part of them. Then she also posted this:

"yeeeeeeees wlaaaaaaaaang pasooooooook pero sna ksama n lng nten si keith sa librehan mmya — feeling sad."

I'm sure your friends miss you.

And then Mama told me that Aga is now studying at the Regional Science. I know you are proud of him. You both wanted to study there. I'm sure Aga did that for the both of you.

And also, Megan was able to make it at the International MTG. She will be competing in SIngapore in August.

See, you're friends are definitely pursuing those dreams that you once shared with them.

It is really heartwarming to know that this is all happening. Thank you anak for looking over your friends.

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Back to school

Your friends went to school officially today. Your Adings won't go back until next Monday. I feel really sad because you would have been on your 7th grade and I would have loved to hear your stories about your first day at junior high. I'm sure you would have been excited.

All I have now is your photo before you left for school with your Adings and Ate Bianca. Perhaps I would just need to look at it if I am missing my angel as a student.

I am missing you so much. Please come back even for a day. I just want to hug you tight, smell your kili-kili and pinch your cheeks! I love you so much Keith pogi.

Mommy Tintin

Your teacher and the girl on the road

Hi anak, I was meant to write to you yesterday but I didn't get the chance. Something happened that upset me. But don't worry anak because it hasn't got anything to do with me. It's just yesterday, I saw this girl in the middle of the road on her own, crying. She may have been 2 or three years old. Luckily the truck stopped. I heard the loud horn from the truck and when I saw the girl, I wondered where the mother was. I realized that she was actually a few metres away from the child, pushing her bike. The mother was probably reminded by the loud horn that her daughter was left behind so she went to pick up the girl. But I saw that she was angry from how she lifted the girl. Then she dropped her on her bike, pushed it and let it go in the middle of the road. I attempted to help the girl but the mother beat me to it. I was so upset that I had to cool down and drop my clothes at the laundrette first and then went back to find them, but unfortunately they were gone. I was so shocked I didn't know if I had the right to tell the mother off. But I was so angry that these people are even given the chance to have children. Life is really so unfair. While I would do anything and everything to have you back so I can love you and take care of you more than I used to. I just don't understand. It's hard to understand. This is what I have been complaining about. There are worse people out there. Why us and not them? But perhaps thats really life. I know the mother may have been going through something at that moment, but it was not a reason for her to treat her daughter like that. No child should be treated that way.

Anyway, Mama told me that your former teacher has passed away. I know that she was not your favourite teacher because of what she did to your friends, especially your bestfriend but you still respected her as your teacher and someone older than you. I am sure you will see her in heaven soon.

Anak, I miss you so so much. How I wish I could have you back. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Darwin has joined you

When I logged on my facebook this morning, the first thing I read was Mama's post about Darwin. It broke my heart. Darwin was not just a fish, he was YOUR fish. One of the things that was making our everyday LIGHTER since you left was Darwin. He made us happy. Unfortunately Darwin has joined you. I am very sure that you are more than happy to have him again. Thank you for letting us experience Darwin for as long as we did.

Inang told me that she dreamed about you last night making "tampo". And then this morning, the found Darwin lifeless in the aquarium. So when I asked Inang what happened to Darwin, she said maybe he also made "tampo" that's why he died.

Rest in Peace, Darwin. We will miss you.

I love and miss you so much Keith. I think about you everyday.

Mommy Tintin

Chasing Our Dreams

I only realized now that I have not written to you for almost a month now. I am so sorry anak. I have no other reason than being tired and busy. But as I always say, that doesn't mean that I don't think about you because I always do no matter where I am, no matter what I do. You are constantly in my mind.

Well anak, I have a good news for you. I know we still have a lot to go through but I think I may have found a way to raise money for your charity. I found this website where people can donate money and I registered. So far, two people have donated. Unfortunately, I will need 5000 pounds in order to register a charity in the UK. But I am in no rush. I will take this one day at a time. I know it will never be easy, unless of course I had the money. So for now, I am holding on and hoping that there will be people out there who will join me in this journey.

Here is how your site looks like:

And here is the link: http://www.gofundme.com/2q7hgg

Even though I have posted it on both my page and your memorial page, our friends and family apparently have not fully engaged themselves in this. But I know one day, your dream, our dream will come true. We will be able to send least fortunate talented kids to art and music school.

I am sure you will ask Papa Jesus to help me with this endeavor. I love you so much Keith. I miss you so so much already. Wish you were here.

Mommy Tintin

Difficult times

Birthdays, Angelversaries, Weddings and Graduations.......probably the most difficult times in our lives as grieving mothers. 

So your friends finally graduated from grade school yesterday. And while their parents were very excited and happy, Mama and I were grieving. Obviously, we are really sad because you would have also graduated with them. Only grieving mothers will really understand how we feel. You know what made things worse? They probably didn't even paid tribute to you. What's two-minute silence to remember you or even just to mention you? Perhaps it's not necessary. Maybe I was just expecting too much. But then again, I'm sure every mother who has lost a child will expect and feel the same way.

I'm sure you were watching your friends from heaven and that you were very proud of them. It's just a shame that you were not there to celebrate with them.\\

How I wish you were here. You would have been really happy. I can only imagine you smiling and laughing softly. You are very handsome in your toga as usual.

As much as I would have loved to see you graduate from grade school, God had other plans. It doesn't matter though because whether you finished grade school or not, you have achieved more than most of the kids out there. And for that, we will be forever proud of you.

I miss you so much anak. Please know that you are always in my heart and in my mind. I may not write to you everyday anymore, but God knows how much I think of you. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy Tintin

Graduation Month

Of course I am jealous. You would have been called a graduate this month too, but unfortunately you had to go home to Jesus early.I know you would have been very happy to finish grade school and further your studies. I remember you wanted to go to the Science school in Olongapo. You also considered attending National Arts School in Makiling. I can tell now that you were serious about becoming an artist. How I wish God has given you more time to fulfill your dream. But as other people have always said, God has a reason for everything. And whatever that is, I'm sure it's for the better.

So teacher Nhica posted your friends' photo on facebook and I couldn't help but cry. You would have been in that photo, too. I am thankful that I got to know your friends, but it would have been better if you were still here so I could talk to you about them. They are a nice bunch of crazy kids and I like them. I am sure that you are proud of your friends for getting this far.

Your bestfriend Aga graduated yesterday. Apparently he has been busy studying for his entrance exam at the Science School. If you think he should go there then help him anak. I know you will. That way, he can make your dreams come true. I know you two really wanted to go to school there.

I miss Aga. I haven't spoken to him for a while. Maybe when he's not that busy anymore.

Hayyy, how I wish you were here. I miss you a lot baby. Please visit me again soon. I love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

I did it again!

So, I ran my first ever half marathon last Sunday for you. I must admit that it was the most difficult run that I have done so far. It was very cold. But I wanted you to be proud of me so I endured the cold to finish my run in 2 hours and 30 minutes. It's funny how you make me feel like you were with me. I was becoming impatient because I felt like I have ran 10km when in fact, I have only ran 5k. I hate it that they actually put how many km have you ran. It doesn't  help me at all.

Anyway, at 16km I was feeling really tired and I already wanted to walk, but then your favourite song "Lighters" came on. I always get embarrassed whenever I want to give up and this happens because I know that you're telling me not to give up because you believe I can do it. So I carried on until the last kilometer when your song came on again. Ha, maybe you were telling me this time that you were proud of me. I don't know but whenever I am running, your song always comes on when I am ready to give up. That's your little trick on me and it always works.

So anak, my first ever half marathon was for you.

 

I love you and I miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

 

Taking the extra mile for you

We're now in Holland for the Hague half marathon. It is my first half marathon and it's your Daddy's third. The weather in England has been really bad lately so we really didn't train as much as we should. I only ran 20k once and I think it was not that bad. After the run, I felt like I could have ran more. The only thing is, I killed my left middle too. It is now black. It was painful at first, but the pain is completely gone now.

So tomorrow is the day and it's raining in the Netherlands. Daddy and I are quite worried as we really never ran in the rain before. I am most worried of the cold really because I am not very good with it. Besides, I left my jacket in London. In fact I left a lot of my running stuff because I didn't have much time to pack, so all was done in a rush. Even Daddy forgot his gloves. So I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I am confident that Father God will guide us and of course, you will be there to look over us too.

I feel bad because I am not able to sponsor Casa San Miguel. It is the only charity that I want to help at the moment because I want to help kids who are talented yet can't afford to go to art and music school to hone their talents. I want to keep your legacy that way. But I am not losing hope. One day I know I will be able to help Casa San Miguel in my own way. I just need some time.

Thank you for the inspiration anak. If it were not for you, I wouldn't have gone the extra mile to prove to myself that I can do anything. You are the only reason why I am doing these things. You are my inspiration.

Ah, I miss writing to you. But even if I don't, believe it or not, you are constantly in my thoughts. I miss you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

365 letters

I can't believe that I have been writing to you everyday for a year now. Time flies really fast. Writing is the only thing that I could do to express how I feel. It helped me a lot to recover from your loss. There is something about writing to you that made (and still makes) me feel better.

A lot of things have happened since I started writing to you, some good, others bad. These letters are a reflection of my emotions since you left. I may have not completely disclosed everything here, but one day I will.

It's been so nice talking to you in letters. You have taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to be honest with my feelings and you allowed me to just be myself. 

I am still in search of that purpose and I have not completely recovered from your loss. I don't know how long will this journey take, but I am hoping that someday somehow, I will learn to fully accept that things happen for a reason. I still believe that God has a purpose and soon I will know.

After 365 letters I'm sure I will still be writing to you. It may not be everyday now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you anymore. You will always be in my thoughts, wherever I go, whatever I do. I will continue to work hard to make my dreams for you come true.

If I am not able to write to you, I will instead speak to you when I speak to God.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write to you everyday. And thank you for proving to me that I can do anything. I live in your life's mantra, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". You will forever be my inspiration.

I love you very much anak ko and nothing will ever change that. I will miss you every single day of my life.

Mommy Tintin

P.S. - Papa has left for Saudi again. Please watch over Mama, Inang, Tatang and your Adings.

You continue to make us proud

By now a lot of people would have visited your paintings at the Harbor Point. I didn't know that it was going to be there for a while. But recently, people have been sending me messages and tagging me on their photos with your paintings. It leaves me speechless sometimes that you continue to inspire people and make us proud. If only those people who visit your paintings know that you're no longer here.

Anyway, so one of my friends (you probably have met her)posted a message and a photo on my facebook wall today, much to my surprise. And she wrote, "Ate tin, i wasn't able to light a candle or wear something blue on keith's anniversary in heaven and i felt bad so i decided to drop by and see his paintings at harbor point. I hope I made Keith smile in heaven". I'm sure you wouldn't mind if people forget your angelversary, but don't you think it's sweet? I am very blessed that I have beautiful people in my life.

I know you appreciate this anak and you probably are whispering "thank you" right now to everyone who always remembers you.

We love you Keith. You will never be forgotten.

Mommy Tintin

I'm jealous

While it is very easy for other people to ask for help and to be helped, it is such a struggle for some. I am saying this because remember I have always wanted to put up a foundation in your memory so we could help poor talented kids to go to art and music school, at the same time help the least fortunate children in our town with their medical needs? It seems like I have to go through an eye of a needle first before I even get anywhere. I don't know how to even make a start. I'm kind of reluctant now because I have asked for help a few times already so I could help Baby Jacob, but I don't seem to get a lot of help from other people. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I really just want to help. You are probably aware that I used to raise funds for Bantay Bata, right? Even then, I found it difficult to ask help from people. I don't know what people have in mind when you ask them for help, but sometimes they don't seem to trust you. Arrghhhh.

That's why I am jealous with the help that other charities are receiving. Perhaps they are more pro-active than I am. 

I am running the half marathon soon. I wanted to raise funds for your former art and music school because I want to help with their scholarship program, but unfortunately, they are not able to register with Just Giving. That was the only way I thought I could raise money for them. Well actually, I could use paypal, but based on my previous attempt to raise money for Baby Jacob's liver transplant, it didn't go that well. So, it's a shame that I will not be able to help your school this time.

But that doesn't mean I will stop helping. Whether you have a foundation or not, I would still help when I can and that's my promise to you. I just need to sort out my priorities first and then I will concentrate on raising funds for your school. I believe in their advocacy and I know that they have helped a lot of children realize their potentials.

I'm sure we can work together on this. When I am more ready, I will let you know. For now, please ask Papa Jesus to guide me.

You are missed very much Pochongchong. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

I made some changes

but there's nothing to worry about. For more than a year now, I had your photo as my wallpaper on my mobile, but I changed that today for a reason. 

Since I started at my new job, people have asked if I had a child. I tried as much as I could to say no, although it was so hard for me because I felt like I was denying. But the only reason I had was that I didn't want people to feel sorry for me and I didn't want to make a fuss. Besides, when I slipped and accidentally told someone about you, she ignored me. She didn't give me any compassion at all. So since then, I thought that telling people about you at work may not be a good idea. Only one person knew about you, just because she is my boss and I feel that I should tell her.

But something happened few days ago. I was charging my phone when someone jokingly asked if I was also playing a music from it and he just all of a sudden press the button and your photo popped up. He was surprised to see your photo of course because I have never told them that I had a child. So he asked who you were and he just went on and on if you were my child. I tried to change the conversation by telling him that it is a long story and that I don't want to talk about you but somehow, he was forcing me to say something. So unguarded, I said that I lost you a year ago. I became so defensive and immediately told him not to worry because I am okay and life has to go on. It was so awkward because the person I tried to talk to about you before was sat beside me and I knew that she really didn't care. I just didn't know what to say. Thankfully, I managed to change the topic.

So here is the change I had to make just in case someone fiddles with my phone at work again.

From this:

                     

 To this:

It kind of hurts that I had to do this, but I know you understand anak. It doesn't mean that I will not be able to look at your photo everyday because your face is forever tattooed in my mind.

I love you Keith and God knows how much I am missing you all the time.

Mommy Tintin

Happy Valentine's Day

This is your second Valentine's day in heaven. I have always wondered who your someone special was. You never really told anyone. One of your friends told us that he knew her, but he promised you that he won't tell anybody. Even when we bribed him to tell us, he refused to say anything because he didn't want you to get mad at him. It would be nice to know who your secret crush was. Of all the girls that have expressed their admiration to you, it's really impossible not you didn't like any of them. But then even your teachers said that you really didn't like it when the girls came up to you to flirt with you. One of your teachers said that when you get irritated, you would warn the girl to stop. And if she didn't you would walk away. There was one of the girls that they thought you liked though. But apparently you were not in speaking terms until you left. Your friends said that you had an "LQ". The one good was you remained civil with each other. It's so cute how your friends and teachers described the moments when you had to speak to her. You really wouldn't look at her. Perhaps you also like her. Uyyyyyy....

Sorry for teasing you anak. I know you don't want to be teased. It's just so sad that we won't be able to see you fall in love. I never get to experience you asking me for money to buy your special someone a gift. You only got to a point where you weren't sure if it was good or bad to have a crush on someone. You were so unsure that you had to ask Mama. 

Have you met St. Valentine's yet? I can imagine cherubs playing sweet music to St. Valentine. I wonder how you're celebrating it up there. 

Since your friends have given you the title, "crush ng bayan", I'm sure somehow there is one lucky girl out there who has stolen your heart. I won't be surprised if you had loads of admirers. And I mean, of all ages, young or older ladies. You almost had it all!

I miss you so so much Keith pogi. I miss asking you if you had a crush. And I miss you telling me, "huh, wala po". I love you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy Tintin

This time last year

This time last year, we were coming back to England. I was never been that emotional leaving home, apart from that scene at the airport when you were about four years old. You took me to the airport with the family and while I was going inside, I looked back and saw you leaning on the opened window of the car looking at me. 

This must have been the most difficult goodbye to our family because I knew that from that moment, we had to face our new normal which is - life without you. People asked me not to cry because apparently it wasn't good as I was leaving. But how could I help myself from crying? That wasn't the normal scene. This time, I didn't want anybody to take me to the airport but Inang insisted that she should go, so she came with some of Daddy's family. 

I didn't know how things would be after I left. I was hoping that somehow things would be better. Until now, that's what I am hoping and praying for. A lot of times in the last few months, I almost almost have lost hope. But recently, I think I may have found my way back to God. Not that I really lost it, but I know that I was already at that corner. I don't know how long should I have to wait to realize that God actually has better plans that's why He has taken you. I am very anxious to know as you probably have noticed. I just want things to go back the way they were, when Papa and I were growing up. No dramas basically. I just want a peace of mind. And if you can please ask Papa Jesus to guide us and never leave us. I'm sure He never will, but please just remind Him.

Times are hard but I am not losing hope. Thank you for always being there anak. You may not be here physically, but I know you're always with us.

My love for you will never end. I think about you all the time. You are greatly missed.

Mommy Tintin

It's still on!

I thought that your painting exhibit has ended but apparently not. One of my friends sent me photos of the exhibit. Just to let you know anak that a lot of people have been to see your paintings. Someone that Mama knows told her that on opening day, there were a number of people looking at your paintings and they were amazed at how good you were. I'm sure they didn't know that you no longer are here to celebrate that success. In fact, I thought that it would have actually been better if they wrote something about the paintings. It would have been more meaningful. But anyway, I am happy and proud enough that a lot of people are able to see your beautiful paintings.

And oh, I forgot to tell you, they also did a small tribute for you on their culminating event. I think Sir C made a speech about you or something and then the students played the violin. Everyone was there. I'm glad that Mama, Papa and your Adings were able to attend. Remember they were in Ilocos? But they went home early so they were able to watch the tribute.

I'm sure this is only the beginning of more exhibits for you. I know because one day, I will be the one organising it. I am holding on to that dream and with God's help I know one day it will happen.

Please continue to watch over us. I love you so much Pochongchong. Mommy misses you more than you know. I need a hug from you badly.

Mommy Tintin

Their trip to Ilocos and Baguio

I know how much you wanted to go home to Ilocos before you left. You kept nagging Mama about it. If we only knew that you were leaving soon, then you would have gone to see your grandparents and cousins. But anyway....

A year after, your Mama, Papa and Adings finally were able to go back to Ilocos and also visit Baguio. I am so sorry anak for this didn't happen when you were still here. I know you really wanted to visit Baguio. I'm so sorry.

Seems like your Adings had fun in Baguio. In fact, Ading Linus apparently told Papa that he wants to study high school there. When Papa asked him if he can do it, he said yes he can! Now, that's one thing that we should really have to think about. 

Yes, Ading Linus learned how to drive the scooter in Ilocos. It's a shame you didn't get to experience this. Remember you could already drive a tricycle before you left? I'm sure you would have enjoyed driving a scooter.

We miss you more in times like this you know. We wish you were here. 

I love you.

Mommy Tintin