Natasha's Mom

I don't think I have told you about Ading Natasha before. Oh actually,  I may have mentioned her to you once. I was on facebook and saw her Mom's post today, so I thought I'd tell you more about her. Since Natasha passed away, her Mom has been visiting her resting place almost everyday, if not everyday and she takes pictures each time. It really doesn't matter what time of day it is, she's there. There was one time when she was at Natasha's resting place at dawn. I really feel so sorry for her as I feel like she is really struggling to cope with her loss. I am assuming though because I really don't know how she's coping. But based on her posts, she is still very much in pain. It has now been more than a year since Natasha left her, and she still sound the same. 

I met Natasha's Mom through Grieving Mothers. I was desperate to find Angel Moms when you left us so I went through all websites that I could find. I was a bit relieved when I found Natasha's Mom. So, I sent her a message and that's how our friendship started. Although we really seldom write to each other now, I still follow her posts on facebook.

My heart breaks everytime I read her posts because I could feel her pain. She still hasn't forgiven the person who killed Natasha, who happened to be her Dad. It's sad no, anak? So please if you meet Ading Natasha up there, please look after her. I'm sure she misses her Kuyas and I know you will be a good Kuya to her.

Photo from Natasha's Mom's facebook page

I miss you so much baby ko. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Eulogy

I have lost a few loved ones before but I really never gave a eulogy. But it was different when you left. I didn't even hesitate. I actually told Tito Roman that whatever happened, I would have to talk about you and there was only one thing that I wanted people to know - that you were an exceptional and inspirational kid! For the first time in my life, I was not shy in front of more than a hundred people. My eagerness to let people know about you took over my stage fright. Of course, I cried but I was so proud of you at that moment and I knew that that was my biggest chance to brag about "the son any parent would wish to have". I told them facts about you that none of your friends probably knew. There were tears and there wear laughters too. Perhaps, any parent who lost a child would want to take that last moment to say all the wonderful things that they have to say about their lost child. While some would like their eulogy to be simple, and straight forward, I wanted mine to be as long as possible. I didn't want to miss any of your milestones.

I am telling you about this now because I read one mother's eulogy and as simple as it may be, it is so touching:

"The sky is crying, and the flags are at half-mast. It is a sad, sad day. But it is also your day, Noah, my little man. I will miss your forceful and purposeful little steps stomping through our house. I will miss your perpetual smile, the twinkle in your dark blue eyes, framed by eyelashes that would be the envy of any lady in this room.

Most of all, I will miss your visions of your future. You wanted to be a doctor, a soldier, a taco factory manager. It was your favorite food, and no doubt you wanted to ensure that the world kept producing tacos.

You were a little boy whose life force had all the gravitational pull of a celestial body. You were light and love, mischief and pranks. You adored your family with every fiber of your 6-year-old being. We are all of us elevated in our humanity by having known you. A little maverick, who didn't always want to do his schoolwork or clean up his toys, when practicing his ninja moves or Super Mario on the Wii seemed far more important.

Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven. Take flight, my boy. Soar. You now have the wings you always wanted. Go to that peaceful valley that we will all one day come to know. I will join you someday. Not today. I still have lots of mommy love to give to Danielle, Michael, Sophia and Arielle.

Until then, your melody will linger in our hearts forever. Momma loves you, little man."

Victoria Pozner (mother to 6-year old Noah)

Mommy is proud of you forever. I miss you so much. Love lots beautiful angel Keith.

Mommy Tintin

New angels laid to rest

Almost five days after the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, families and friends of the victims face what would be the most difficult day of their lives as this would be the last time they will ever see their beautiful children. I can't even find the right words to say at this moment. I have been reading news about the shooting and it just hurts so bad. Seeing photos of those beautiful kids just tears my heart out. It brought back memories when you left. 

There have been lots and lots of tributes for the children and their teachers. And I am really grateful that there are grieving mothers out there who are willing to lend emotional support. Honestly anak, they are also of great help to me. Somehow I find comfort visiting their site and exchanging messages with other grieving mothers.

I found this beautiful poem on the site and I would like to share it with you:

Remembering Newtown Connecticut 

Little faces, little hands

Tiny minds with weekend plans

Full of hope as Christmas nears

Replaced with parents' bitter tears.

Twenty children full of joy

Took just moments to destroy

All their futures swept away

On this sad December day.

Heroes hid them from his sight

Gave their lives up in the fight

Twenty-six have died in vain

Hundreds filled with grief and pain.

Pray for those who died this day

And for those who walked away

Lives were shattered...hope is gone

Pray that they can carry on.

This was such a needless thing

Yet it keeps on happening

Loss of life from senseless crimes

These are sad and frightening times.

Pray for those this evil harms

With broken hearts and empty arms

With Christmas gifts to be returned

And lessons better left un-learned.

People need someone to blame

The news for giving killers fame...

Our mental health and gun reform

And meanwhile violence is the norm.

Pray our world can turn around

That some solution can be found

That love can overcome the hate

And peace can be our countries' fate.

Jennifer Komives ♥ Copyrights 2012

photos from grieving mothers

I'm sure you will soon meet them in heaven. You can teach them how to paint and play the violin. I wish you can tell me when you've met them. How I wish.

For now baby, I want you to know that I love you so much. Mommy misses you so badly.

Mommy Tintin

I am still heartbroken

Daddy and I watched more about what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this morning and we both couldn't contain our emotions. We found ourselves hugging each other and then tears started to fall. It was like January 28, 2012 all over again. A lot has been written about the tragic incident and it gets too much to bear sometimes. I was not sure at first if I should be sharing my opinion on this, but there was something I really wanted to say and so I wrote this:

Watching the heartbreaking news about the Connecticut tragedy only brings back the painful memory when I received the phone call that our son has passed away. What happened to those innocent kids in Newtown is beyond anything any parent would have imagined. Lucky are those parents who still have their children regardless of how naughty or stubborn or of a headache they are, because us grieving 

parents would rather have our children that way than lose them. And please do not tell your children, "Now be good, look at what happened to those children", because anyone does not need to be good to be spared from any tragedy, they are not necessarily bad that's why they are taken away. Our child was the definition of a good child and I believe so as most, if not all of those kids in Connecticut and yet we still lost them. Just hug your children tight and let them know how much you love them today and everyday of their lives. My heart goes out to the victims and their families.

It's really hard to speak in times like this. But since I have been and still going through what could be the most difficult journey of motherhood, I thought I'd extend my sympathy to the family of those children.

Photo from Grieving Mother's facebook page.

I'm sure one day soon you will meet at least one of the 20 kids that were taken away on Friday. I know without asking you, you will look after them. We love you so much dear angels and we will be missing you for the rest of our lives.

Mommy Tintin

20 new angels

I have just read a very sad news about a shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. I don't know what to say. What happened to you was ever so painful, but perhaps this tragedy is worse. At least we kind of believe that your passing was "maybe" God's will. But unfortunate circumstances like what happened to those children are quite difficult to understand. I feel so sorry to those parents who have lost their children from this. It is so heartbreaking.

Photo By ADREES LATIF/REUTERS (from yahoo.com)

The photo above caught my attention because it is so meaningful to me. I wonder if the man is looking up in the sky asking God why he allowed that to happen. In movies that I have watched before whenever someone looked up in the sky, they tend to ask where God was or if there was ever a God.

I feel so sad about what happened anak. Please pray for those angels and the families they left behind.

As for me, I am missing you so much. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Why do people die in different ways?

As part of my search to find solace when you left, I joined a group on facebook called the grieving mothers. And there I saw mothers who have lost a child or two in so many different ways. And then when I attended the Compassionate Friends meeting last month, I also met bereaved parents who are still grieving for their children after so many years. And I also heard different stories about how they lost their children. And this kept me asking why do people die in different ways?

Perhaps Daddy is right when he said that what happened to you could have been worse. You could been murdered like Natasha, drowned like LuisJo, killed in an accident like Kuya Mark or just didn't wake up anymore. Sometimes when I am wishing that you never left us, questions start to build up in my head. What if you didn't go and in college you get bullied by others? I ask myself this question a lot  because to me, you were a good example of a child who was more likely to be bullied because you really didn't know how to fight back. People would be hurting you and you won't say anything. You were actually lucky because although you were different from your friends, they respected you and they looked up to you. And what if people took advantage of your kindness and did something bad to you? What if you became depressed and took your own life like Ate Maningning? You know, there could have been a lot of possibilities. So these are the times when I thank God that He took you the way He did because we never saw you suffer. Well, we knew you were suffering but you just didn't show us.

This kind of makes me feel better because I don't know, for some reason this makes me believe that God really intended to take you. It was His will. I am not sure about those who were murdered or those who took their own lives though. Will God do such thing you think? I wouldn't think so but who knows. As they always say, God has his won reasons.

See, I have been having this argument with myself for a very long time now and I still can't seem to understand. My belief is that if God loves us, He should take each and everyone of us in way that we don't need to suffer and only in a good way. You know what I mean? But why do people have to suffer before they die? I mean those who are murdered or involved in accidents. Could it be because the evil is trying to build his own kingdom too? Is satan using God's people to take others' lives? I'm really confused. It would be nice if I could speak to someone about this so I can be enlightened.

Another thing that also confuses me is when people tell me that you were taken away because you were too good to be on earth. Honestly, this is also what I believe in. Some people always say that only the good ones die young, and yes I agree with them. Because among the grieving mothers I have met, none of them actually said that their children were bad. Well perhaps, some of them were in bad company but that doesn't mean that they too were bad. So thinking about this, maybe it's true that satan is also using other people to influence God's children to do bad things. And perhaps sometimes God wins and sometimes He doesn't. And that's when satan prevails.

Ha, it's rather confusing. You couldn't ask God could you anak? Please tell Him that your Mommy is confused as to why people die in different ways. I am sure he can explain it to you clearer than anyone could ever do.

Just a thought really. How I wish I was able to have a discussion about this with you. I'm sure you had an opinion on this having been so religious. This is making me miss you more but what can I do? I think I have never ever spoken to you as often as this in your lifetime. Funny isn't it? But I'm sure that even if we didn't speak that much, you knew how much I love you, right?

Mommy Tintin

Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo

You know very well that I doubted a lot of things after you left -God, my faith, heaven, soul etc. Sometimes I try not to follow my heart because I know it's wrong to question God and not to trust Him. But the fact that you were taken away from us overrides whatever rational thoughts I have. My mind always reassures me that God loves me, but my heart says otherwise. Perhaps because the pain remains so strong. Eight months on and I am still looking for answers and things that hopefully will help me move on completely from your passing. Yes, maybe I can say I am now okay, but I know I can still do better. My holiday in New York kind of helped divert my attention,but not completely as I thought and talked about you a lot while I was there. But this time, I did well in holding back my tears. It hurts to recollect those moments when God decided to take you, but I guess I have learned how to gain composure whenever I am at the verge of breaking down in front of other people.

So, while Daddy and I were at JFK wandering inside a shop, my attention was caught by a book entitled "Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo". It was on the non-fiction shelf so I was sure it was a true story. I didn't buy the book then because I wanted it on my kindle, so I bought it as soon as I got home. Basically, it's a story of a 4 your year old boy who became very ill and traveled to heaven and back. I have heard similar stories before and believed them, but kind of lost that faith when you left. But reading the book made me reconsider things and reflect on my faith. Perhaps, there is really heaven. The way the boy described heaven, the angels, Jesus and other people who live there kind of relates to Inang's and Papa's dreams about you. He said that he sat on Jesus's lap, described everyone he saw as wearing white with sash and have wings, that there were a lot of children and that heaven is always bright (it never gets dark). He also mentioned that he saw his miscarried sister and his great grandad, both whom he obviously never met. It reminded of Auntie Joy's dream about you, accompanied by an old woman and a man. Now it kind of make sense. Maybe that was really Ina Lapaz and the man was Tito Ryan. Todd the author and Colton's Dad supported his story with verses from the Bible which made it more realistic. This made me realize that maybe I should read the Bible again in order to understand things better.

There was a part of the book when he said he saw his dad in a room praying to God and his Mom on the phone talking to people. Am I right to say that you also saw Mama, Uncle Junjun and Tito JL at the hospital while the doctors and the nurses were trying to save you? Did you actually hug Mama when you saw her crying uncontrollably because she knew she was losing you? And did you see me too? What did you do before you went up to heaven? Did you kiss us goodbye? How I wish  you can tell me the answers.

Somehow reading the book comforted me, because I can feel that the boy's story is real. I mean how can a four year old possibly invent such a detailed story, right? I still need a little more convincing that there is indeed heaven. I know you're there, but I am very confused at the moment that I don't know what to believe. For the meantime, I am going to live with the truth that a boy saw heaven and it's real.

http://heavenisforreal.net/book/

How I wish you just did what little Colton did- went to heaven for a bit then came back. :(

Whatever His reason is for taking you, I know it's good. Just want to say that I love you with all my heart and you never leave my mind. I always think about you and I miss you all the time. 

Mommy Tintin

Another Angel gone too soon

Anak, this is Kuya Mark Doria. He went home to Jesus yesterday. He was 22. What happened to him was tragic. He was on his motorcycle with another friend and they had a road accident. Unfortunately, Kuya Mark did not survive. His friend remains in the hospital with multiple injuries.

I found out about him through facebook. I don't really know him, nor his family, but he is from our town. Mama told me that he was also Ate Shasha's classmate in high school. 

When I heard about the sad news, my heart broke all over again. It must be really hard for his family. I know because I have been there and still not done with it yet. 

According to what I have read in facebook, Kuya Mark was already an angel to his family before he was taken away from them. Apparently he was a good son and he was mabait too. Now I really wonder why God takes the good ones first. Honestly. And look, Kuya Mark is also good looking, right? Just like you anak ko. I don't really get it. Is God trying to send us a message by taking back Angels on earth?

Please watch out for Kuya Mark anak. Just introduce yourself to him. Maybe he already knew you. And please pray for his friend. May she recover fully- physically and mentally. 

I love you anak. I miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Avery Lynn Canahuati

This brave little angel went home to Papa Jesus on the 30th of April 2012. Her name is Avery Lynn Canahuati. She may have only been 5 moths old but she has become an inspiration to a lot of people.

Avery suffered with a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). According to SMA Foundation, it is the leading cause of genetic death in infants and toddlers. As described on their website, "SMA  is caused by defects in the Survival Motor Neuron 1 (SMN1) gene that encodes the SMN protein. The SMN protein is critical to the health and survival of the nerve cells in the spinal cord responsible for muscle contraction (motor neurons)." (http://www.smafoundation.org/) Symptoms include muscle weakness and some breathing difficulty.

Avery's parents learned about her condition in April and they were told that Avery would only have 18 moths to live. Knowing that Avery's life on earth is numbered, her parents wanted her to make the most out of it, so they created a "bucket list" for her.

Michael (Avery's father) started a blog and wrote in Avery's voice. They did this not only to raise awareness of SMA, but also for Avery to experience life as much as she could in a very short time. I can honestly say that her parents did a good job on this. Unfortunately, she was not able to dance with Ellen, but at least she had her first kiss! See anak, Avery beat you to it. :)

As soon as I found out about Avery's blog, I immediately read through her entries and I was amazed at how her father wrote from her perspective. It is very unique and very inspirational indeed. No wonder the blog became an internet sensation in only four weeks, and has gathered more than three million viewers since.

All I wanted to say anak is to please keep an eye on Avery. I know she's now an angel, but still just a baby. She will need a "Kuya" to look after her and I know you'll be good at it. She was a very sweet girl and I know that her parents will forever be proud of her, not only for "not letting SMA take her smile away from her", but also for the all courage that she has shown at a very young age. A lot of people from all over the world love her so much. It's just sad that she's gone sooner than expected. She could have ticked more on her bucket list. But hey-ho, perhaps Papa Jesus already needed her to go home.

Ah, the more I read about other angels, the more I am missing you. Please always remember that you will always be loved.


Mommy Tintin


Photo from Avery's blog

Your Co-Angels

Since you left us forever, I have been looking for solace from different things, from different people. The pain remains unfathomable, but knowing that there are mothers and fathers out there who understand exactly how we feel somehow makes things easier. I have found a page on facebook (Grieving Mothers) where Angel moms gather together to express their love and emotions for their Angels like you. Then this morning, I was speaking to your Auntie Josie. She has also lost her only child. I am doing everything I can to ease the pain even just a little bit. And what comforts me sometimes is knowing that there were other Angels like you who were taken away too soon. You were all good children, talented and good-looking. I hope that one day soon, you will be able to meet them.

Tito Ryan (17) - Unfortunately, I don't have a photo of your Tito with me at the moment. But I will put it up here as soon as I find one. Tito Ryan was taken away from Mama Es and Daddy Henry when he was 17 years old. He was on his way home to Zambales from Baguio, when a stranger stabbed him on the chest. That day, October 3, 1996 is one of saddest days of my life. Your Tito Ryan was my favourite cousin. I am three years older than him I think. We went to school in Baguio together and we lived in the same building. Although we fought a lot as kids (he used to bite me a lot), when we grew up we became closer. He was good looking and talented as you. He was a good boy too.

James Paolo Senence (10)- Paolo was your Auntie Josie's only child. He became an angel more than a year ago. Auntie Josie told me before that you and Paolo went to pre-school at Pedro M. Arce. You probably know him. Pao is a distant relative. You probably didn't know that. Your Papa and I are cousins with Pao's dad. From what his mom told me, you and Pao were quite alike. You were both mabait. You were close to Jesus. And yes, you were taken away from us through the same way. When you see Pao, you can read the Bible and pray the rosary together. (Photo taken from Ate Jhosie's facebook page)

Jose Luis Dado (6) - No, I don't know Luijoe (his nickname) at all. I only came across him while I was searching for grieving mothers in the Philippines. His mom created a blog called "Touched by an Angel", inspired by him. I was looking for networks in the Philippines so your mama and inang have somewhere to go to whenever they feel the need to speak to people who suffered the same painful loss as us. Anyway, Luijoe was taken from his family in the year 2000, from a drowning accident. From what I have read so far, Luijoe was a happy child and he was loved by his family. He was the only boy (he had two older sisters). And guess what? He also loved music. Maybe if you see him in heaven, you can update him on current music trends, because he probably doesn't know who Bruno Mars is.(Photo taken from aboutmyrecovery.com.)

Maningning Miclat (28) - I found her through Luijoe's mom's website. She went home to Jesus in the year 2000, same time as Luijoe. Her story is quite sad, anak ko. She took her own life when she was 28. She was an acclaimed artist from the Philippines. I don't know if you knew about her, but I have been looking at her work, and your Daddy Don and I are very impressed. She was very talented, like you of course. You would really love to meet her. If you haven't met your Lolo Monet yet, I hope that you will meet Ate Maningning soon so you can paint together. 
(Photo taken from Maningning's Facebook Page)

Rico Yan (27) - Rico Yan was a famous actor in my younger years. I used to watch his telenovelas quite a lot. He became an Angel when he was 27. Just like you, Rico had dimples. I really don't know much about him apart from being an actor. But according to articles about him, he was a nice guy and that he put up a foundation that helped children to stay in school and value education.
(Photo taken from Rico Yan's Facebook page)





I know there are (a lot of) other Angels where you are, but when I am lonely and asking God why He chose you instead of some bad people out there, I think of these five Angels who were just as good, talented and good-looking as you. Somehow it reassures me that maybe, just maybe God indeed has a reason for taking you, beautiful Angels, away from us too soon.


I have to end this letter now anak so your Daddy can use the computer to study for his new job. As I've always told you whenever I spoke to you over the phone when you were still with us, I love you.


Mommy Tintin