Update on your friends

So, I told you that your friends went back to school this week. I was not expecting that somehow, they will think of you. But your friend Xyryl posting something on her facebook that really warmed my heart. That was really unexpected. You have no idea how much it made me happy. However, it also made me sad at the same time knowing that you were not there with them. This is what she said:

"Iona Frederick Her Jae Ed Anthony Christelle Justin Joseph guys kung sakali lng ha kung sakali lng nmn kung buhay pa rin si keith hanggang ngayon tingin nyo magiging mas msya gr.7 nten ?  tingin nyo mas msya ang bawat araw na pumapasok tyu? at anung section sya cguro pag aagawn pa ata ee pero sna naabutan nya yung gr. 7 noh — feeling bad."

How sweet was that? I am just really happy that somehow you're still a part of them. Then she also posted this:

"yeeeeeeees wlaaaaaaaaang pasooooooook pero sna ksama n lng nten si keith sa librehan mmya — feeling sad."

I'm sure your friends miss you.

And then Mama told me that Aga is now studying at the Regional Science. I know you are proud of him. You both wanted to study there. I'm sure Aga did that for the both of you.

And also, Megan was able to make it at the International MTG. She will be competing in SIngapore in August.

See, you're friends are definitely pursuing those dreams that you once shared with them.

It is really heartwarming to know that this is all happening. Thank you anak for looking over your friends.

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Back to school

Your friends went to school officially today. Your Adings won't go back until next Monday. I feel really sad because you would have been on your 7th grade and I would have loved to hear your stories about your first day at junior high. I'm sure you would have been excited.

All I have now is your photo before you left for school with your Adings and Ate Bianca. Perhaps I would just need to look at it if I am missing my angel as a student.

I am missing you so much. Please come back even for a day. I just want to hug you tight, smell your kili-kili and pinch your cheeks! I love you so much Keith pogi.

Mommy Tintin

I did it again!

So, I ran my first ever half marathon last Sunday for you. I must admit that it was the most difficult run that I have done so far. It was very cold. But I wanted you to be proud of me so I endured the cold to finish my run in 2 hours and 30 minutes. It's funny how you make me feel like you were with me. I was becoming impatient because I felt like I have ran 10km when in fact, I have only ran 5k. I hate it that they actually put how many km have you ran. It doesn't  help me at all.

Anyway, at 16km I was feeling really tired and I already wanted to walk, but then your favourite song "Lighters" came on. I always get embarrassed whenever I want to give up and this happens because I know that you're telling me not to give up because you believe I can do it. So I carried on until the last kilometer when your song came on again. Ha, maybe you were telling me this time that you were proud of me. I don't know but whenever I am running, your song always comes on when I am ready to give up. That's your little trick on me and it always works.

So anak, my first ever half marathon was for you.

 

I love you and I miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

 

Taking the extra mile for you

We're now in Holland for the Hague half marathon. It is my first half marathon and it's your Daddy's third. The weather in England has been really bad lately so we really didn't train as much as we should. I only ran 20k once and I think it was not that bad. After the run, I felt like I could have ran more. The only thing is, I killed my left middle too. It is now black. It was painful at first, but the pain is completely gone now.

So tomorrow is the day and it's raining in the Netherlands. Daddy and I are quite worried as we really never ran in the rain before. I am most worried of the cold really because I am not very good with it. Besides, I left my jacket in London. In fact I left a lot of my running stuff because I didn't have much time to pack, so all was done in a rush. Even Daddy forgot his gloves. So I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I am confident that Father God will guide us and of course, you will be there to look over us too.

I feel bad because I am not able to sponsor Casa San Miguel. It is the only charity that I want to help at the moment because I want to help kids who are talented yet can't afford to go to art and music school to hone their talents. I want to keep your legacy that way. But I am not losing hope. One day I know I will be able to help Casa San Miguel in my own way. I just need some time.

Thank you for the inspiration anak. If it were not for you, I wouldn't have gone the extra mile to prove to myself that I can do anything. You are the only reason why I am doing these things. You are my inspiration.

Ah, I miss writing to you. But even if I don't, believe it or not, you are constantly in my thoughts. I miss you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Daily learnings: Day 1

I have not only written for a day and it seems a long time for me already. I am trying to search for something---perhaps solace. It's never ending anak and I keep fighting. I am not sure when will this ever end and if I ever will get tired. But I live in your mantra, so I know I can do everything. I just need your guidance and of course the Man above.

Today, this is what I learned from Nicky Gumble:

"Sometimes we feel ourselves facing a seemingly impossible situation. It might be a relationship that seems to have broken down irretrievably or some issue to do with health, finances or something else where change seems impossible. But with God there is always hope, no matter how bad things look. Nothing is impossible with God. His power makes all things possible."

I have only one prayer today- that everything will get sorted and that we remain together.

As much as I want to pour my heart out, I can't.

Just know that no matter what happens, I love you. I wish you'd never left. It would have been easier. Missing you loads anak.

Mommy Tintin

365 letters

I can't believe that I have been writing to you everyday for a year now. Time flies really fast. Writing is the only thing that I could do to express how I feel. It helped me a lot to recover from your loss. There is something about writing to you that made (and still makes) me feel better.

A lot of things have happened since I started writing to you, some good, others bad. These letters are a reflection of my emotions since you left. I may have not completely disclosed everything here, but one day I will.

It's been so nice talking to you in letters. You have taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to be honest with my feelings and you allowed me to just be myself. 

I am still in search of that purpose and I have not completely recovered from your loss. I don't know how long will this journey take, but I am hoping that someday somehow, I will learn to fully accept that things happen for a reason. I still believe that God has a purpose and soon I will know.

After 365 letters I'm sure I will still be writing to you. It may not be everyday now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you anymore. You will always be in my thoughts, wherever I go, whatever I do. I will continue to work hard to make my dreams for you come true.

If I am not able to write to you, I will instead speak to you when I speak to God.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write to you everyday. And thank you for proving to me that I can do anything. I live in your life's mantra, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". You will forever be my inspiration.

I love you very much anak ko and nothing will ever change that. I will miss you every single day of my life.

Mommy Tintin

P.S. - Papa has left for Saudi again. Please watch over Mama, Inang, Tatang and your Adings.

Renewing my relationship

I know it will not be easy but I am slowly trying to renew my relationship with God. No, I am not doing it with anyone. I am alone in this. I may not have the fellowship that every Christian has or need, but I know that will come eventually. For now, I just want to take things slow and enjoy every moment of my "getting to know you" phase with God.

After browsing on a few bible apps, I may have finally found the one that will help me build up my new relationship with the Lord. And since I started quite late, I am still catching up on the previous lessons. This is actually Bible in a year. 

At times, I feel a little lighter and more hopeful that God is in control and that I should stop worrying about anything. It's kind of hard for me not worry, but I am determined to lift everything up to Him. I know I just need to trust Him.

So anak, I'm sure you are pleased to know about this. I need your help though. I'm sure you will.

I'm still a baby in this again, so I will need more time to just do what I need to do.

As you are my little angel up in heaven, I'm sure you will guide me on this.

I will never get tired of telling you how much I love and miss you.

Mommy Tintin

I made some changes

but there's nothing to worry about. For more than a year now, I had your photo as my wallpaper on my mobile, but I changed that today for a reason. 

Since I started at my new job, people have asked if I had a child. I tried as much as I could to say no, although it was so hard for me because I felt like I was denying. But the only reason I had was that I didn't want people to feel sorry for me and I didn't want to make a fuss. Besides, when I slipped and accidentally told someone about you, she ignored me. She didn't give me any compassion at all. So since then, I thought that telling people about you at work may not be a good idea. Only one person knew about you, just because she is my boss and I feel that I should tell her.

But something happened few days ago. I was charging my phone when someone jokingly asked if I was also playing a music from it and he just all of a sudden press the button and your photo popped up. He was surprised to see your photo of course because I have never told them that I had a child. So he asked who you were and he just went on and on if you were my child. I tried to change the conversation by telling him that it is a long story and that I don't want to talk about you but somehow, he was forcing me to say something. So unguarded, I said that I lost you a year ago. I became so defensive and immediately told him not to worry because I am okay and life has to go on. It was so awkward because the person I tried to talk to about you before was sat beside me and I knew that she really didn't care. I just didn't know what to say. Thankfully, I managed to change the topic.

So here is the change I had to make just in case someone fiddles with my phone at work again.

From this:

                     

 To this:

It kind of hurts that I had to do this, but I know you understand anak. It doesn't mean that I will not be able to look at your photo everyday because your face is forever tattooed in my mind.

I love you Keith and God knows how much I am missing you all the time.

Mommy Tintin

This time last year

This time last year, we were coming back to England. I was never been that emotional leaving home, apart from that scene at the airport when you were about four years old. You took me to the airport with the family and while I was going inside, I looked back and saw you leaning on the opened window of the car looking at me. 

This must have been the most difficult goodbye to our family because I knew that from that moment, we had to face our new normal which is - life without you. People asked me not to cry because apparently it wasn't good as I was leaving. But how could I help myself from crying? That wasn't the normal scene. This time, I didn't want anybody to take me to the airport but Inang insisted that she should go, so she came with some of Daddy's family. 

I didn't know how things would be after I left. I was hoping that somehow things would be better. Until now, that's what I am hoping and praying for. A lot of times in the last few months, I almost almost have lost hope. But recently, I think I may have found my way back to God. Not that I really lost it, but I know that I was already at that corner. I don't know how long should I have to wait to realize that God actually has better plans that's why He has taken you. I am very anxious to know as you probably have noticed. I just want things to go back the way they were, when Papa and I were growing up. No dramas basically. I just want a peace of mind. And if you can please ask Papa Jesus to guide us and never leave us. I'm sure He never will, but please just remind Him.

Times are hard but I am not losing hope. Thank you for always being there anak. You may not be here physically, but I know you're always with us.

My love for you will never end. I think about you all the time. You are greatly missed.

Mommy Tintin

January 28 is K Lighter Day

I have been thinking whether to have both your angel birthday and angelversary as K Lighter Days. However, I also thought that it may be too much for our friends and family to do what I have asked them to do, so I had to choose between your angel birthday and your angelversay. Since January 28 will remain the saddest day of my life, I decided to make it officially the K Lighter Day. My aim is to basically turn that sad day lighter as you would want it to be. What do you think? Don't worry because every beautiful day is a K Lighter Day. I also just want to have an official day, so there you go.

Last January 28, I asked our family and friends to make the day a K Lighter Day again just like what we did on your first angel birthday. I want to share what my friends have done for you. I am really grateful that some people never get tired of helping me remember you.

I met Michelle online via the Grieving Mothers. It' really such an honour for me that she actually participated on our K Lighter Day.

From my ever loyal and very good friend Mila and my ever supportive "virtual" friend Sarah. Sarah and I met over a a crazy sale on www.net-a-porter.com. It all started with my comment on not getting an Alexander Mc Queen bag. We have been in touch regularly since.

Ate Leng as you know is one of my good friends and she has always been there for me. And Emma is a friend from University, whom despite the distance and lack of communication, she remains to be so thoughtful.

I think you have met Alma before. perhaps when you were a baby. She is a good friend from high school.

This is from Tita Gara. Although I have only met her once in person, I know we have that special bond. And since then, I felt like she has been in my life for a long time.

And this is what I have done for you. I read the Bible, lit a candle, wore blue and played your song as soon as 12 midnight struck.

This is just to remind you that you are not forgotten. I will always be thankful that God has given me a boy who can make a dreadful day a K Lighter Day. Keep inspiring people young boy! We are so proud of you. 

My endless love to you,

Mommy Tintin

Reality Sucks

30 January 2012 - We met Papa at the airport because we arrived on the same day, just a couple of hours apart. When I saw him, I gave him a very tight hug. My tears were falling, but Papa remained strong. He just said, " It already happened. We can't do anything anymore. We just have to accept it." I admired Papa for being so strong, but I was also worried that he probably was just holding back. I know he had to be strong for Mama and your Adings, but I also believed that it was okay for him to cry. That arrival was very unusual as it was only Tito JL who came to pick us up from our family. It was far from the usual where you and your Adings and Inang and Mama would be waiting inside the car.

The journey always seemed long when you're eager to go home. Inside the car, we talked about you but there were no tears. We only talked about happy memories, but Tito JL was very quiet. I knew he was in a lot of pain because he was there when everything happened.

We decided to get off at Mama E's house because there were a lot of people in the street in front of our house, so we took the back entrance. Auntie V was the first one to greet us. As soon as I saw her, I cried. She hugged me and told me to be strong.I wanted Papa and I to be together when we entered the house. We were holding hands and the squeeze got tighter and tighter as we got closer to you. People were staring at us. I have imagined the whole thing.

That was the most painful moment ever. It was as if my heart was being pierced. I couldn't believe that the next time I saw you, you would be sleeping so peacefully. As soon as Mama saw us, she went to Papa and started screaming again. I could feel the pain in her cry. It was so painful that I still cry whenever I think of that moment. And then she came to me crying and said , "our son is gone, our son is gone". We hugged for few minutes and I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, that we all had to be strong. Inang was already crying when I saw her. I couldn't really think of anything to tell her. Who really would want to see a grandchild go before you? Your grandchildren should be taking you to resting place and not the other way around. They were into pieces. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to comfort them. And then Tatang came, so did your Adings. Tatang wasn't crying but I could feel  his pain. It was beyond explanation. I cried more when your Adings came to me. I felt so helpless. Their eyes said everything that I needed to know.

When everyone calmed down, Papa and I stayed beside you. He was telling you about the stuff that he brought for you and that he will have to give it to Ading Lye. I'm sure you wouldn't have said no, knowing you. I also bought you your favourite perfume.

You had so many visitors that night anak ko and a lot of beautiful stories about you emerged. It was so overwhelming that even those people we didn't know came to see you and each had a story to tell. Most of them, they knew you because their grandchildren talked about you when you were still with us. 

Those and more stories to come. I am missing you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

The phone call that shook my world

27 Jabuary 2012- When I phoned Mama that morning, she told me that they finally have decided to give you blood. Apparently, they were looking for blood donors so they could directly transfuse you but everyone who volunteered were either tired, under nourished or not your blood type. Even Tito JL who, the last time he had his blood type checked was the same as yours, suddenly had a different blood type. Until now I still understand how did that happen. Obviously there was a mistake somewhere. And because they couldn't find a suitable blood donor, they had no choice than to buy blood from Olongapo which is at least an hour and a half away from Iba. It was Tatang and Tito Joseph who went to buy blood. For some reason Mama found out later that day that there was actually a blood available for the patient next door. No one though about it until few hours later. So they borrowed the blood for the meantime. I was relieved to know that at least something was happening. I couldn't go out the house until I was reassured that you were fine. Mama told me that you were more pinkish that you were before they gave you blood and that you were feeling better.

That day Inang and your Adings also visited. I briefly spoke to Inang and she was also pleased that you felt better. Your Adings were playing outside because apparently you didn't like them being noisy inside your room. Of course they missed you anak that's why they were all over you. Perhaps you were in pain at that time because you really didn't want to be touched although you didn't mind the nurses poking needles on you.

That afternoon, I met up with Daddy and a friend and we had dinner at our favourite Viatnamese restaurant. On our way home, I called Mama. That time I felt something different in her voice. For some reason, I could feel weakness in her voice and then she broke down. She said she was tired seeing you like that. Although she said she never really saw you suffer because you didn't show it to her and that you didn't complain about anything, she could feel that you were suffering. All the time that you were sick, I never heard Mama speak to me like that. And the fact that she was crying made me think that something horrible has happened. 

Anyway, when we got home Papa called me to say that he wanted to go home to see you. I reassured him that everything will be fine now that you have been transfused with blood. But he was worried that something bad would happen to you. I somehow thought about that too, but I was trying to be positive. After all, you were receiving the right treatment.

Before I went to bed, maybe around 1030 at night I called Mama again. I asked her if you have been okay with the blood and if you were short of breath. She said you had oxygen but you were more comfortable without it. She also said that you were no longer passing blood in your stool, but the doctors prescribed some laxatives apparently to help get rid of any old blood. I found that weird but I was also pre-occupied with other things so I really didn't think about it that much.

Around 1130 pm (0730 in the Philippines) I was still trying to get some sleep but for some reason, I was having palpitations. I felt something weird, so I phoned Mama. For the first time, she didn't answer her phone right away. I then called Tito JL, but he only didn't pick up, and so did Tito Junjun. I also tried calling my friend's mobile but he too didn't answer. I started to panic. My instinct was telling me that there was something wrong, so I called the hospital. It took them sometime to answer the phone. I was already in a real state of panic when the nurse picked up the phone. She couldn't tell me exactly what was going on, she had to call the other nurse. I overheard her  saying, " Keith's Mommy from London is on the phone, what should I tell her?". The moment I heard that I started crying. My mind started visualizing things. And when the nurse told me that they brought you upstairs, I knew you were in ITU. I just knew it. Then Tito JL finally took the phone. At this point I was already shaking. I remember asking Tito JL if you were on the ventilator, or if they were doing CPR on you, or if you were being defibrillated - I just wanted to know what they were doing with you. But Tito JL couldn't tell me. He said he didn't see what was going on. So I told him I'd call again, but I was in such a state that I wanted to pack my things and go home. I was crying as if I have already lost you. Daddy was trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. But I knew in my heart something bad was happening to you.

And then I called again and this time I spoke to Tito Junjun.  He couldn't speak to me properly because maybe he was also in shock. Tito JL was apparently with you. But what really broke my heart was hearing Mama screaming in the back ground. She was calling out to God to save you. She was like, "yung anak ko, yung anak ko, tulungan niyo yung anak ko" (my son, my son, help my son). For Mama to be crying and screaming like that, it could only mean one thing. Tito Junjun had to put the phone down because he had to attend to Mama. I told him I would call back again but my world was starting to fall into pieces. I could feel my heart breaking in two. It was so painful listening to Mama like that. I felt so helpless. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I wanted to be there.

Few minutes later, my phone rang and it was my friend. Even before I picked up the phone I have expected the worst. I knew it was hard for him too but he had to do it. His first words were, " I'm so sorry Naneng, your son is gone. We did our best. He fought until the end.We even had worse cases than him, but why your son?". He also told me that you lost about a litre of blood. I was so calm speaking to him, I couldn't understand why. I told him he didn't have to say sorry and that it wasn't their fault. I was just thankful that they did their best to save you. I told him I had to go because I wanted to go home and he said sorry again. Few minutes later, Papa called. Papa was very calm. He just said, "Wala na si Keith Ading. Sayang na bata." And then we just talked about what time we were going home and stuff like that. 

While I was packing our stuff, Daddy Don was looking for flights. By that time, I have stopped crying. You know when you're in shock that you can't cry anymore? That was me. I was so numb. I was speaking to you out loud while I was packing. The reality set in. I have lost you forever and nothing could ever explain the pain I was feeling at that time. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment I knew I will never be the same again. I knew a big part of me has been taken away. And I knew that a missing piece will never be replaced. I knew that my life has changed forever.

I knew from that moment on, I will be missing you everyday of my life. from the, now and until forever I will love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Your Kite

 21 January 2012 - The first and last time you flew a kite. Mama said that you've always wanted to have a kite, but for some reason you never got round to it. Perhaps because Papa was not around so you really didn't have anyone to play it with. But this time, Tito Junjun made the frame for you, and you and Mama did the rest.

I was so happy to see you fly a kite because I have never seen you fly one before. But what really surprised me was seeing you and Tatang play together. For the longest time, I have never seen you play with him. I know Tatang make lambing to you and your Adings in a very different way. Most of the time, you misinterpreted as he was trying to tease you or something, but that's just him. He loves teasing you and that's how he showed his affection to you. But I know that you didn't get that and I don't blame you. Besides, Tatang really didn't spent much time with you when you were still here. I know anak that at your age, you understood a lot of things when it came to family matters. At a very young age, you knew when there was something wrong in the house. And knowing you, you really didn't express how you feel that much. You kept it inside you and sometimes Inang and Mama would just tell me that you said things as if you actually were going through something. You would say that Tatang didn't love you. That he loved his pets more than you because he spent (and still spends) more time in the farm than with you and your Adings. Since you thought about those things, you kept a distance from him. So it was so nice to see you flying your kite together.

For me at that time, these photos were a sight to behold. But looking back now, I realized that perhaps this was your way of saying goodbye to Tatang. This was also probably your way of telling him that you have forgiven him for whatever pain he may have caused you. Tatang obviously didn't realized this, that's why he was so hurt when you left. He never really showed his true emotions but Inang has caught him crying on his own a few times. I know he is still suffering from your loss. Maybe at that time he was thinking that that was a beginning of his new relationship with you, little did he know that that was the last time he was ever going to play with you.

Apart from flying your kite, that day was also the last time you hang out with your "fraternity" - Tito JL, Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle. I studied your last photos and I can see mixed emotions on your face. One thing is for sure though, you have lost some weight and it seems like you still had the mumps.

 

I am just so glad that Mama was able to capture these memories. They mean so much to me. And just like your kite, which Ading Linus said could fly high in 30 seconds, you have proven to us a lot of times that you could soar high. In fact you soared high above the clouds.

We miss you so much everyday. Thank you for the memories. We will forever cherish our good and bad times with you. We love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy Tintin

Reluctant Believer

I grew up with a strong faith in God. Ama Berto (Inang's father) was a religious person, so we were taught to pray the rosary in the evenings and go to church on Sunday. Besides,  I went to Catholic schools. I don't know if I mentioned to you before that I was also a Cathechist when I was in High school. I taught grade school pupils from Central West and Sto. Thomas about Jesus. I used to read the Bible every weekend. Of course I went to church also on Wednesdays for the Novena and Sundays for the mass. It was a school requirement of course, but I was very religious anyway. 

I used to pray a lot, especially when someone was in trouble or we were having family problems. Not that we had a lot, but Inang was not well for sometime and no one knew what was wrong with her. So I always prayed to God to heal Inang and eventually, a doctor found out what was wrong with her. She underwent a major operation and she was a lot better ever since. I have always believed in answered prayers. In fact, until you left, I couldn't remember anything that I asked God that He didn't give me. That may be  a lie actually, but even when He didn't answer my prayers something good always came up. I used to write letters to God and put them under my pillow. For some reason I believed that when I do that, He would hear my prayers.

For the last 11 years, I was living the best years of my life. I had my dream job, everyone was healthy and we were complete as a family. Well sometimes Tatang was pasaway but that was okay, because we were all still together. The only thing that was missing I thought was a house for you and for Daddy and I, and then my life would have been close to perfection. 

But then the day came when I was desperate for an answered prayer and God didn't hear me, or so I believe. I was so helpless, I was willing to do anything God wanted me to do just to save you. But I heard nothing. Instead, He took you. And that's when I questioned my faith, God and everyone else. 

I am slowly trying to bring  that faith 100%, but I will be lying if I say I am not reluctant because I still am. If you or God can tell me why you were taken away, then I may easily go back to what I used to be. But until then, I will perhaps remain a reluctant believer.

Twelve more days before the day that changed our lives forever. It's getting harder and harder relieving those moments, but I know I have to be strong in order to find closure.

You are loved my baby, please never forget that. I miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Our Daily Bread

When I was in University, I made sure to read "Our Daily Bread" everyday. But when I came to England, I stopped buying the little book. Until late last year, when I found out that there is an iphone app for it. One of my new year's resolution is to read Our Daily Bread regularly. So far, I have not missed a day but it is too early to say.

I am writing about this now because today, something I read kind of opened my mind a little bit and I would like to share it with you.

There's Power by Anne Cetas

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

When my sister found our she had cancer, I asked my friends to pray. When she had surgery, we prayed that the surgeon would be able to remove all the cancer and that she wouldn't have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. And God answered yes! When I reported the news, one friend remarked, "I'm si glad there's power in prayer." I responded, "I'm thankful that God answered with a yes this time."

James says that "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much". But does "effective" and "fervent" mean the harder we pray, or the more people we ask to pray, the more likely God is to answer with a yes? I've had enough "no" and "wait" answers to wonder about that.

Prayer is powerful, but it's such a mystery. We're taught to have faith, to ask earnestly and boldly, to persevere, to be surrendered to His will. Yet God answers in His wisdom and His answers are best. I'm just thankful that God wants to hear our hearts and that no matter the answer, He is still good.

I like Ole Hallesby's words: "Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only those who are helpless can truly pray.... Your helplessness is your best prayer." We can do helplessness quite well."

Tomorrow, I will let you know what I think about this. I was going to do it now, but this letter will be too long.

Please know that you're always in my thoughts. I love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

It's almost K Lighter Day again

I think I will make your Angel birthdays and your Angelversaries official K Lighter days. One thing that I am not sure of though is if people will continue to support me on this. But nevertheless, I would still love to continue what I have started. And on your first angelversary, here is what I have done:

I actually put together two of your works in one photo to come up with this. Nothing really, I was just having a creative moment and thought I'd do one for you.

Just like our first K Lighter Day, I asked our family and friends to join again by doing 11 of the things that you loved doing:

1. Light a candle (blue preferably if you have one) and say a little prayer.

2. Read the Bible or pray the Rosary

3. Sing or play his favourite song "Lighters" by Eminem

4. Don't hurt or worse kill any insect or animals

5. Play a musical instrument if you are able to

6. Make someone's day "Lighter" in any way you can

7. Make your family and friends feel that you love and care for them

8. Avoid saying bad words

9. Draw or paint something that reminds you of Keith

10. Wear white or blue

11.Remember his motto, "Kaya ko po, Ako Pa" and take the challenge of doing something you thought you can never do.

This time, I came up with 11. I like it actually as it represents your 11 years on earth.

I know it's not going to change. January 28 will always be the day that changed our lives forever, no matter what year it is. That will will remain my saddest day, for I will always remember the day you left us. But I am hopeful that eventually, January 28, will no longer remind us of the pain, but somehow will remind us that a beautiful boy was taken away from us to give way to a new and brighter beginning. I am still hoping that sooner or later, I will be able to find that purpose. I am not giving up on it.

I miss you baby boy and I will forever love you with all my heart.

Mommy Tintin

The hard days begin

It was January 11, 2012 when you had mumps. Mama told me that you were not really ill with it. You even went to school with it. Although I was not that concern about mumps because I also had it when I was young, I made sure that Mama watched for any other symptoms. It was also around this time of the year when I was not able to phone home often because I was busy with work. I have been commuting from London to Bristol and it was really stressful. 

Mama told me at that time that there were also other kids in your school who had mumps so perhaps you got the virus from them. There were really no signs that we were going to lose you soon because everything seemed to have been normal. Although you were already saying weird things, we really didn't take any of those seriously.

It's 17 days before you left us and I feel worse and worse each day. Of course, my attention is often diverted on work and other stuff but when I am alone even at work, I think of you and suddenly the pain is too strong that I want to cry out loud. I keep going back to what happened on your last few days. I would like to document everything now because this is what is helping me in my recovery. Some people might find it weird that I write about our heartaches and stuff, but only me can understand. People heal in different ways and this is part of my healing.

I know God is also doing His own divine intervention on us, but as a human I need to find what is easy for me. There are still a lot of things that I want to do to help heal those wounds. But I know this is a long process and I am not in a hurry. I will take my time until I am completely healed. I still believe that God has a plan for us, I just have to wait.

Tomorrow is Tito JL's birthday and I am hoping to speak to him. I know you did something nice on his birthday so I want to know more about it.

You are deeply missed dear boy. Mommy loves you.

Mommy Tintin

Field of dreams

Daddy and I were watching the film "Field of Dreams" this morning and we both cried in some scenes. It is a story about a corn farmer who could hear voices. The voice told him that if "he builds a baseball field he will come". And when he did build the field, the ghosts of some players started playing there. The catch of the film for me was when he saw his father among the players. As a young kid, him and his father used to play catch and then suddenly when he turned 14, he refused to play catch with his father again. Then he went away and when he came back, his father was gone and he wasn't able to say sorry to him. So, when he saw his father's ghost, they played catch. That scene made me cry. 

Then I started daydreaming again. How I wish I could hear voices too, and I hope that the voice will ask me to build a stage or a studio so you could come back and use it. Imagine if I see you playing the violin with other musicians who have passed away? Or paint in the studio with Ate Maningning or even Lolo Monet and other artists? How cool would that be? But one thing that I would like to do as well is to "ease the pain", just like in the movie when the voice told Ray (the main character) to do that. While Ray didn't know which pain of whom to ease, I am certain about mine. First of all I will ease your pain and Tatang's. It would be nice if you appear to Tatang so you can maybe play baseball (or anything), just like in the movie. I know when you were with us you really never played with him. It was more of you avoiding him than wanting to play with him. Besides, he never got to say sorry to you too when you left. I'm sure if he only knew that you were going to leave him soon, he would have asked for your forgiveness. So, I thought that the idea of the film is good. You know I can build a stage in our farm, or build a studio under one of our mango trees in the field? Just let me know and I will do it for you. And I am hoping that when it happens, you will get to speak to Tatang and play with him. Hayyyy, how I wish movies happen in real life. It would be so lovely to see you and speak to you again. I'm sure Mama and Inang would really love that.

Well, I guess I'll just have to keep on dreaming that one day we'll get to see you play the violin and paint again. I know you can't stay with us anymore, but even just to see you would be really good.

We miss you loads and we love you so much. Please visit us soon.

Mommy Tintin