I need a guardian Angel

and I know you will be there for me....

Angel of God,

My guardian dear

to whom God's love commits me here,

ever this day

be at my side

to light and guard

to rule and guide

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Natasha's Mom

I don't think I have told you about Ading Natasha before. Oh actually,  I may have mentioned her to you once. I was on facebook and saw her Mom's post today, so I thought I'd tell you more about her. Since Natasha passed away, her Mom has been visiting her resting place almost everyday, if not everyday and she takes pictures each time. It really doesn't matter what time of day it is, she's there. There was one time when she was at Natasha's resting place at dawn. I really feel so sorry for her as I feel like she is really struggling to cope with her loss. I am assuming though because I really don't know how she's coping. But based on her posts, she is still very much in pain. It has now been more than a year since Natasha left her, and she still sound the same. 

I met Natasha's Mom through Grieving Mothers. I was desperate to find Angel Moms when you left us so I went through all websites that I could find. I was a bit relieved when I found Natasha's Mom. So, I sent her a message and that's how our friendship started. Although we really seldom write to each other now, I still follow her posts on facebook.

My heart breaks everytime I read her posts because I could feel her pain. She still hasn't forgiven the person who killed Natasha, who happened to be her Dad. It's sad no, anak? So please if you meet Ading Natasha up there, please look after her. I'm sure she misses her Kuyas and I know you will be a good Kuya to her.

Photo from Natasha's Mom's facebook page

I miss you so much baby ko. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Spirit medium

Remember the poem I sent you last night anak? It was from a spirit medium and since I found her, I have been thinking whether I should get in touch with her. I am kind of fascinated about this thing because I have heard about it before and it seems to be true. In fact, remember when you were young and Inang would have her "spirit" moments where she would just start crying and then speak like the spirit in her? Yes, that sort of thing. So, I was thinking maybe I should email the lady and ask her if she can speak to you. I know you're very much okay where you are, but I want to know more. And I also want to prove that this is indeed real because she doesn't know you and me, so whatever she says perhaps will be from whatever you tell her. Well, I hope anyway.

Maybe I will have to think really hard about it because it's not cheap. It is $200 dollars per telephone consultation. Daddy Don doesn't believe in spirit mediums so he is against it. But I have read testimonies about the lady  (Necole Stephens) and the people she has helped seem to be convinced that it's true, you know. 

But what do you think? If that's the only way I could speak to you again somehow, then I don't really care how much I have to pay. I just want to know what you have to say. I'm sure you have other things that you wanted to say before you left. Besides, I want to find out why you left and what really happened. Please anak, help me decide on this. I really want to try and see if the lady can reach you. I just want to speak to you. That's all.

I miss you so much more today because it's exactly a month before you left us. I love you so much baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

Eulogy

I have lost a few loved ones before but I really never gave a eulogy. But it was different when you left. I didn't even hesitate. I actually told Tito Roman that whatever happened, I would have to talk about you and there was only one thing that I wanted people to know - that you were an exceptional and inspirational kid! For the first time in my life, I was not shy in front of more than a hundred people. My eagerness to let people know about you took over my stage fright. Of course, I cried but I was so proud of you at that moment and I knew that that was my biggest chance to brag about "the son any parent would wish to have". I told them facts about you that none of your friends probably knew. There were tears and there wear laughters too. Perhaps, any parent who lost a child would want to take that last moment to say all the wonderful things that they have to say about their lost child. While some would like their eulogy to be simple, and straight forward, I wanted mine to be as long as possible. I didn't want to miss any of your milestones.

I am telling you about this now because I read one mother's eulogy and as simple as it may be, it is so touching:

"The sky is crying, and the flags are at half-mast. It is a sad, sad day. But it is also your day, Noah, my little man. I will miss your forceful and purposeful little steps stomping through our house. I will miss your perpetual smile, the twinkle in your dark blue eyes, framed by eyelashes that would be the envy of any lady in this room.

Most of all, I will miss your visions of your future. You wanted to be a doctor, a soldier, a taco factory manager. It was your favorite food, and no doubt you wanted to ensure that the world kept producing tacos.

You were a little boy whose life force had all the gravitational pull of a celestial body. You were light and love, mischief and pranks. You adored your family with every fiber of your 6-year-old being. We are all of us elevated in our humanity by having known you. A little maverick, who didn't always want to do his schoolwork or clean up his toys, when practicing his ninja moves or Super Mario on the Wii seemed far more important.

Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven. Take flight, my boy. Soar. You now have the wings you always wanted. Go to that peaceful valley that we will all one day come to know. I will join you someday. Not today. I still have lots of mommy love to give to Danielle, Michael, Sophia and Arielle.

Until then, your melody will linger in our hearts forever. Momma loves you, little man."

Victoria Pozner (mother to 6-year old Noah)

Mommy is proud of you forever. I miss you so much. Love lots beautiful angel Keith.

Mommy Tintin

New angels laid to rest

Almost five days after the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, families and friends of the victims face what would be the most difficult day of their lives as this would be the last time they will ever see their beautiful children. I can't even find the right words to say at this moment. I have been reading news about the shooting and it just hurts so bad. Seeing photos of those beautiful kids just tears my heart out. It brought back memories when you left. 

There have been lots and lots of tributes for the children and their teachers. And I am really grateful that there are grieving mothers out there who are willing to lend emotional support. Honestly anak, they are also of great help to me. Somehow I find comfort visiting their site and exchanging messages with other grieving mothers.

I found this beautiful poem on the site and I would like to share it with you:

Remembering Newtown Connecticut 

Little faces, little hands

Tiny minds with weekend plans

Full of hope as Christmas nears

Replaced with parents' bitter tears.

Twenty children full of joy

Took just moments to destroy

All their futures swept away

On this sad December day.

Heroes hid them from his sight

Gave their lives up in the fight

Twenty-six have died in vain

Hundreds filled with grief and pain.

Pray for those who died this day

And for those who walked away

Lives were shattered...hope is gone

Pray that they can carry on.

This was such a needless thing

Yet it keeps on happening

Loss of life from senseless crimes

These are sad and frightening times.

Pray for those this evil harms

With broken hearts and empty arms

With Christmas gifts to be returned

And lessons better left un-learned.

People need someone to blame

The news for giving killers fame...

Our mental health and gun reform

And meanwhile violence is the norm.

Pray our world can turn around

That some solution can be found

That love can overcome the hate

And peace can be our countries' fate.

Jennifer Komives ♥ Copyrights 2012

photos from grieving mothers

I'm sure you will soon meet them in heaven. You can teach them how to paint and play the violin. I wish you can tell me when you've met them. How I wish.

For now baby, I want you to know that I love you so much. Mommy misses you so badly.

Mommy Tintin

I am still heartbroken

Daddy and I watched more about what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this morning and we both couldn't contain our emotions. We found ourselves hugging each other and then tears started to fall. It was like January 28, 2012 all over again. A lot has been written about the tragic incident and it gets too much to bear sometimes. I was not sure at first if I should be sharing my opinion on this, but there was something I really wanted to say and so I wrote this:

Watching the heartbreaking news about the Connecticut tragedy only brings back the painful memory when I received the phone call that our son has passed away. What happened to those innocent kids in Newtown is beyond anything any parent would have imagined. Lucky are those parents who still have their children regardless of how naughty or stubborn or of a headache they are, because us grieving 

parents would rather have our children that way than lose them. And please do not tell your children, "Now be good, look at what happened to those children", because anyone does not need to be good to be spared from any tragedy, they are not necessarily bad that's why they are taken away. Our child was the definition of a good child and I believe so as most, if not all of those kids in Connecticut and yet we still lost them. Just hug your children tight and let them know how much you love them today and everyday of their lives. My heart goes out to the victims and their families.

It's really hard to speak in times like this. But since I have been and still going through what could be the most difficult journey of motherhood, I thought I'd extend my sympathy to the family of those children.

Photo from Grieving Mother's facebook page.

I'm sure one day soon you will meet at least one of the 20 kids that were taken away on Friday. I know without asking you, you will look after them. We love you so much dear angels and we will be missing you for the rest of our lives.

Mommy Tintin

A candle for you

I didn't realize that there is this "Light A Candle" thing that's going on in Grieving Mother's facebook. I only found out about it now. If I've know I would have bought you a blue candle. All I have at home is a red candle, but I'm sure you won't mind.

And with lighting a candle comes this beautiful poem from Grieving Mothers:

As we light these four candles in honor of you, we light one for our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES and one for our LOVE.

This candle represents our GRIEF. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of 

our love for you.

This candle represents our COURAGE – to confront our sorrow. to comfort each other, to change our lives.

This light is in your MEMORY – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us.

This light is for the light of LOVE.

As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us. We love you!

Remember that photo? It was my first vacation from England and I brought you this football kit. Manchester United was Daddy Don's favourite football team at that time. I remember taking this photo. You  were really enjoying kicking the ball and posing for photos. This is one of my favourite photos of you. I love it when you smile because your dimples come out. This and another of your photo with Inang and Ading Linus when he was a baby are the only framed photos I have of you in our house. It's only because I am really not into displaying photos. Well, there are also a couple of our photos but that's it. 

I hope you liked the candle that I lit for you. It's a K Lighter Day despite the fact that I am missing you so much. I love you baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

The music changed

As you loved music and was a musician in the making, I thought I'd share this poem written by Mardi Slagle Peaster  for his son, Douglas.

The day you died,

the muscial score of my life was forever changed.

A sad undertone was added.

Some days it is very loud.

Some days it is very soft.

But it is always there.

I am thankful for the days when I

can hear the joyful melody of life.

I will listen to your song forever in my heart

For me though, my music really changed literally since I lost you as I really have not listened to new songs since then, except Bruno Mars's, which was your favourite singer. I have other songs on my playlist apart from your songs, but most of them were the songs we listened together when I went home in 2011. Those were the the last songs we sang together, especially "Fireworks" by Katy Perry. I remember playing that song and you heard it and boy, the smile on your face. And then Ading Linus told me that you liked listening to the song. So it gave me the idea to dance into the music. I remember jumping up and down, with my hand in the air under the mango tree singing along Katy Perry. And there you were in front of the computer looking at me, smiling at me and giggling at times. The memory is very clear to me as those were our best times together. I am forced to recall everything that happened that time because I want to remember the last of everything that I did with you. If only I knew I won't see you ever again, I would have done more with you. I would have sung more songs with you, watched you paint more, listened and watched you play the violin more, tickled you more, pinched your cheeks more, cuddled you more, let you sit on my lap more, slept beside you more and basically did more with you. Ah, I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss the music in you.

I love everything about you and more.

Mommy Tintin

They let me talk about you

I thought I was just going to sit in there and listen to their stories, but after maybe 20 minutes they all turn to me and asked me to tell my story. I started by telling them that I lost you early this year and then I went on and on and on. It always excites me when people actually listen to my stories about you. All eyes were at me while I was talking. Someone was teary-eyed when I started telling them that you really never wanted to show us that you were suffering.  I was also trying to hold my tears but reliving that moment when I received that phone call from my friend was too painful. At one point it felt surreal that I am actually in a group of bereaved parents, talking about how I lost you. It was so difficult but somehow lightened up my load a bit because I was talking to people who have gone through the same experience of losing a child.

I felt better when I started talking about you as a child. I told them that you played the violin and that you were an artist. Everyone was so interested to see your paintings, but unfortunately I didn't have them with me. One of them suggested that I should put it in an album so I can show them to people. Then I remember I had that drawing that you kept in your wallet, so I showed it to them. Everyone was in awe and they just kept saying how amazing your drawing is! Some of them tried to interpret it. Of course, they saw it differently. The only man in the group stared at it for a while and said that actually, there was a face in that drawing. A happy and calming face. They suggested that I should show it to an artist because it is an amazing drawing. They were curious about the man in a cross shape at the bottom of the heart. How I wish I knew what you were thinking when you drew that. But it doesn't matter now. What's important is that I can show it to other people and they can interpret it the way they want it.

Apart from that they were amazed at how wonderful you were as a child. They said that you have probably have achieved more than some adults in their lifetime. They believe that you have already fulfilled your purpose in earth that's why God has taken you sooner than we expected.

All of them said that their children were also quiet, loving, thoughtful, caring and talented as you. They reassured me that God indeed only takes the good ones first.

I was so proud of you anak, because these people are strangers and they actually admire you for being the person that you were. 

I liked the group and I love the fact that I was able to speak about you for as long as I wanted. And perhaps I have finally found the comfort that I have been looking for. I don't know, but knowing that there are people like us out there who are willing to listen and give us a helping hand in the most difficult time of our lives is very comforting and reassuring. Mind you, they are much older than me. Some are even older than Inang. And yes, they have lost their children 5-6 years ago and they're still there. I am telling you, the pain never goes away. Some of them still cried when they talked about their child. 

I am just so happy that I have found a new network of people in London, maybe for a different reason, but I am hoping to build friendships with them. They seemed all very nice.

I will definitely go back next month and see how it goes again. Thank you so much baby.

I love and miss you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

The Compassionate Friends

I finally managed to attend the compassionate friends meeting last night after a few attempts in the last 8 months or so. Just after you left, I was constantly looking for charities or groups that support bereaved parents. I found Grieving Mothers first and then The Compassionate Friends. I realized that when you are grieving, you tend to look for people who has had the same experience as you. You feel the need to know that you are not alone and that other people out there has gone through the same path as you have. I knew from the start that no one would ever understand the depth of my sorrow and pain unless they also have lost a child. This is why I am so glad that I found these two groups.

I was late at the meeting because as usual, I couldn't find the place. I was getting scared because the area was dark and there was hardly any people passing by. Luckily there was this one guy who helped me and showed me where the meeting was. When I entered the room, everyone looked at me and thanked me for coming. I was actually surprised that everyone was 50 years old and above. At first I thought I would be out of placed, but I went in anyway.

They were talking about suicide when I arrived. I know the topic was irrelevant to me, but somehow it got me thinking. The only man in the group was talking about signs that a child is in a verge of suicide and I kinda thought that maybe, just maybe this is one of the reasons why you were taken away early. I am not sure if I was right to think that way, but at some point when you were still here, Daddy and I briefly discussed this. I actually started it because I noticed that you were very shy and quiet and you really were not good at showing your true emotions. You have always been a strong boy. And even when you were a baby, you really very rarely cried, even when you were growing up.

One of the signs that the man said was being easily irritated by noise or something like that. And I thought that you were like that. I can clearly remember Mama telling me that you would go inside the house if kids you were playing with starts to be noisy and naughty.

What I am trying to say anak is that because of how you were with your emotions, I am scared that you may become depressed or something like that. And the fact that you were an artist kind of made us think more of this because of Van Gogh and other artists who suffered with depression.

Then they also talked about bullying which again was my other main concern. Remember when kids at school were pinchig your cheeks and you would go home very red? Whenever Mama and Inang asked you what happened you wouldn't say anything and you were not really the kind of child who would fight back if being teased or anything like that. Knowing you, you would have been a very good victim of bullying.

Listening to them discussing those topics somehow made me realize that maybe it's true when they said that God took you away to spare you from the sufferings of this world. Now I think it is making more sense to me. 

I am really glad that I went because I was able to express myself freely without having to think what people may say. This is for the reason that everyone in the room has lost a child. They exactly know what I am going through right now.

I still have a lot to say but this letter is going to be very long if I carry on, so I will write about it again tomorrow anak.

Please know that you always make Mommy proud even now that you are no longer with us. I love you much balong and I am missing you terribly.

Mommy Tintin

Angel Moms

I have met quite a few Angel Moms all over the world since you have left. I thought it would be better for my recovery if I have friends who know exactly what I am going through. So I spend a lot of time in a group called Grieving Mothers on facebook. I get so much reassurance from them. And it is always nice to know that I am not alone in this battle you know. It is through them that I came to know that Mama, Inang and I are supposed to be Angel Moms. So you may ask, what exactly is an Angel Mom?

I found a good explanation of it from a new friend's wall on facebook. She also lost her only daughter almost a year ago. And here is what it means....

Angel Moms

We are the mothers who have been through unthinkable.

Outliving one or more of our children.

 We are in a group that nobody wants to belong to.

What do we have that other moms don't?

We have a birth certificate and a death certificate of our child.

We have people who don't want to be around us.

People who think we should go on with our lives.

People who think we should get over it.

Can our loss be compared to a loss of a mother, dad, grandparent, spouse or sibling?

NO, it cannot for there are no words that can explain the true meaning of grief that we feel.

What do we have?

Pictures and memories of our child gone too soon.

So when you see one of us please don't ever tell us you know how we feel.

YOU DON'T AND YOU NEVER WILL.

Mention our child's name for it is music to our ears and our hearts.

We are strong, eventhough at times we feel weak.

We are survivors, not by choice. But we are.

Inang, Mama and I deserved to be called Angel Moms even before you went home to Jesus. You were definitely an Angel on Earth. People might think that I am exaggerating, but certainly not. And people who knew you can testify to that. Perhaps God made the wrong decision to take you back that soon. Perhaps He should have let you stay longer so you could have touched more lives, inspired more people and help others to get to know Him more. Tell me, is God having regrets now? Please ask Him anak if you're not sure. I want to know.

I love you very much baby. You are terribly missed.

Mommy Tintin