Your second birthday in heaven

Today was entirely different from last year. Although I cried so much last night and this morning looking at your photos and remembering your previous birthdays, somehow throughout the day you made my day so much lighter.

I was woken up by your song "Lighters" because it's  my alarm music. Although today is not the official K Lighter Day, I still did the things that I know would make you happy. So I started your birthday by listening to your favourite song and then reading a bit of the Bible. Then Daddy and I went to St. Paul's cathedral to light  a candle and say a little prayer for you. Of course we brought Meowmeow too. Daddy and I were both wearing blue shirts.

Daddy had to watch football with a friend so I met up with my other friends for a bit. We had merienda at Lakwatsa in Notting Hill. They were wearing white and blue in your memory. Even the baby, Ellis was wearing your colours too. I was so touched by their gesture.

Daddy joined us afterwards and we headed to dinner that my other friends organized for you. Originally, I wanted the day to just be an ordinary day. Our plan was just  to go church and then have a picnic. But one of my friends suggested that we should do something. It ended up that there was more into what I already knew.

So we got to the restaurant and my friends' cameras were on us. I didn't realize that this was a surprise birthday party for you. They had Happy Birthday decorations and also had a cake for you. Since you were not here to blow the candle, Meowmeow and I had to do it for you.

Then they also had Chinese lanterns. We tried to light it up but because it was so windy, it didn't work.

Meanwhile back home, your friends spent almost all day at home. It's amazing how they've grown so fast. I am just so glad that they've kept the tradition of spending your birthday at home even if you're no longer with us.

Happy Birthday anak. I'm sure you're having a good one up above. We missed you so much today. We will never stop loving you.

Mommy Tintin

 

It's my birthday

....my second birthday without you. :( 

I phoned home this morning and I was able to speak to your Adings. It was very brief though because they were preparing to go to school. I almost slipped asking for you because you know, I am used to looking for three kids to greet me on my birthday. I miss you so much not only today, but everyday. I may not have written to you for a while but you're always in my thoughts.

You know what, if God allows me to only have one birthday wish for the rest of my life, I would ask for you. How I wish you're just somewhere out there and that you'll be back someday. We miss you so much already.

******

I was meant to tell you that I got to meet Sir Coke again, this time in London. He was here for the screening of his movie with Julian, "Boses". You know about that film, right? I just want to thank you for you are the reason why I met Sir Coke and Julian. As I always say, maybe that's one of the reasons why God took you.

*****

It's one and a half years since you left us. Although I must admit that things has got finally better, there are still moments when we're missing you so badly. Sometimes I still cry when I think of you. I miss your beautiful face.

*****

You know what? I have a feeling you were here this morning to greet me happy birthday because you gave me a sign. Thank you.

I am missing you so much anak. I love you forever.

Mommy Tintin

Back to school

Your friends went to school officially today. Your Adings won't go back until next Monday. I feel really sad because you would have been on your 7th grade and I would have loved to hear your stories about your first day at junior high. I'm sure you would have been excited.

All I have now is your photo before you left for school with your Adings and Ate Bianca. Perhaps I would just need to look at it if I am missing my angel as a student.

I am missing you so much. Please come back even for a day. I just want to hug you tight, smell your kili-kili and pinch your cheeks! I love you so much Keith pogi.

Mommy Tintin

Your teacher and the girl on the road

Hi anak, I was meant to write to you yesterday but I didn't get the chance. Something happened that upset me. But don't worry anak because it hasn't got anything to do with me. It's just yesterday, I saw this girl in the middle of the road on her own, crying. She may have been 2 or three years old. Luckily the truck stopped. I heard the loud horn from the truck and when I saw the girl, I wondered where the mother was. I realized that she was actually a few metres away from the child, pushing her bike. The mother was probably reminded by the loud horn that her daughter was left behind so she went to pick up the girl. But I saw that she was angry from how she lifted the girl. Then she dropped her on her bike, pushed it and let it go in the middle of the road. I attempted to help the girl but the mother beat me to it. I was so upset that I had to cool down and drop my clothes at the laundrette first and then went back to find them, but unfortunately they were gone. I was so shocked I didn't know if I had the right to tell the mother off. But I was so angry that these people are even given the chance to have children. Life is really so unfair. While I would do anything and everything to have you back so I can love you and take care of you more than I used to. I just don't understand. It's hard to understand. This is what I have been complaining about. There are worse people out there. Why us and not them? But perhaps thats really life. I know the mother may have been going through something at that moment, but it was not a reason for her to treat her daughter like that. No child should be treated that way.

Anyway, Mama told me that your former teacher has passed away. I know that she was not your favourite teacher because of what she did to your friends, especially your bestfriend but you still respected her as your teacher and someone older than you. I am sure you will see her in heaven soon.

Anak, I miss you so so much. How I wish I could have you back. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Darwin has joined you

When I logged on my facebook this morning, the first thing I read was Mama's post about Darwin. It broke my heart. Darwin was not just a fish, he was YOUR fish. One of the things that was making our everyday LIGHTER since you left was Darwin. He made us happy. Unfortunately Darwin has joined you. I am very sure that you are more than happy to have him again. Thank you for letting us experience Darwin for as long as we did.

Inang told me that she dreamed about you last night making "tampo". And then this morning, the found Darwin lifeless in the aquarium. So when I asked Inang what happened to Darwin, she said maybe he also made "tampo" that's why he died.

Rest in Peace, Darwin. We will miss you.

I love and miss you so much Keith. I think about you everyday.

Mommy Tintin

I am missing you

I just suddenly felt sad and thought about you. I was looking for your photo when you had your first communion, and tears suddenly fell on my face. I know there will be days like this for the rest of my life. The pain, although becomes lighter with time, it doesn't go away. I don't think it ever will. Looking at your photos makes me realize how special you were. You were a great loss. I will tell you that over and over again. 

We know that you're happy where you are now. In fact, I dreamt about you the other night and there you were looking very happy. You were inside a car with Mama and Ading Cxyrelle. You smiled at me when you passed by. And then I saw you somewhere, I am not sure but maybe it was inside a room. I asked you how you were and you said you were very much okay with a huge smile. Your skin was so vibrant. You looked really happy.

You know sometimes, no matter how much you have made us feel that you're okay, we still feel the pain. That's normal anak because we miss you so so much. It's really not the same without you.

Please know that we love you so much anak. You may have been gone for over a year now, but it doesn't matter for you will live in our hearts forever. 

Mommy Tintin

Taking the extra mile for you

We're now in Holland for the Hague half marathon. It is my first half marathon and it's your Daddy's third. The weather in England has been really bad lately so we really didn't train as much as we should. I only ran 20k once and I think it was not that bad. After the run, I felt like I could have ran more. The only thing is, I killed my left middle too. It is now black. It was painful at first, but the pain is completely gone now.

So tomorrow is the day and it's raining in the Netherlands. Daddy and I are quite worried as we really never ran in the rain before. I am most worried of the cold really because I am not very good with it. Besides, I left my jacket in London. In fact I left a lot of my running stuff because I didn't have much time to pack, so all was done in a rush. Even Daddy forgot his gloves. So I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I am confident that Father God will guide us and of course, you will be there to look over us too.

I feel bad because I am not able to sponsor Casa San Miguel. It is the only charity that I want to help at the moment because I want to help kids who are talented yet can't afford to go to art and music school to hone their talents. I want to keep your legacy that way. But I am not losing hope. One day I know I will be able to help Casa San Miguel in my own way. I just need some time.

Thank you for the inspiration anak. If it were not for you, I wouldn't have gone the extra mile to prove to myself that I can do anything. You are the only reason why I am doing these things. You are my inspiration.

Ah, I miss writing to you. But even if I don't, believe it or not, you are constantly in my thoughts. I miss you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Daily learnings: Day 1

I have not only written for a day and it seems a long time for me already. I am trying to search for something---perhaps solace. It's never ending anak and I keep fighting. I am not sure when will this ever end and if I ever will get tired. But I live in your mantra, so I know I can do everything. I just need your guidance and of course the Man above.

Today, this is what I learned from Nicky Gumble:

"Sometimes we feel ourselves facing a seemingly impossible situation. It might be a relationship that seems to have broken down irretrievably or some issue to do with health, finances or something else where change seems impossible. But with God there is always hope, no matter how bad things look. Nothing is impossible with God. His power makes all things possible."

I have only one prayer today- that everything will get sorted and that we remain together.

As much as I want to pour my heart out, I can't.

Just know that no matter what happens, I love you. I wish you'd never left. It would have been easier. Missing you loads anak.

Mommy Tintin

365 letters

I can't believe that I have been writing to you everyday for a year now. Time flies really fast. Writing is the only thing that I could do to express how I feel. It helped me a lot to recover from your loss. There is something about writing to you that made (and still makes) me feel better.

A lot of things have happened since I started writing to you, some good, others bad. These letters are a reflection of my emotions since you left. I may have not completely disclosed everything here, but one day I will.

It's been so nice talking to you in letters. You have taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to be honest with my feelings and you allowed me to just be myself. 

I am still in search of that purpose and I have not completely recovered from your loss. I don't know how long will this journey take, but I am hoping that someday somehow, I will learn to fully accept that things happen for a reason. I still believe that God has a purpose and soon I will know.

After 365 letters I'm sure I will still be writing to you. It may not be everyday now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you anymore. You will always be in my thoughts, wherever I go, whatever I do. I will continue to work hard to make my dreams for you come true.

If I am not able to write to you, I will instead speak to you when I speak to God.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write to you everyday. And thank you for proving to me that I can do anything. I live in your life's mantra, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". You will forever be my inspiration.

I love you very much anak ko and nothing will ever change that. I will miss you every single day of my life.

Mommy Tintin

P.S. - Papa has left for Saudi again. Please watch over Mama, Inang, Tatang and your Adings.

I'm jealous

While it is very easy for other people to ask for help and to be helped, it is such a struggle for some. I am saying this because remember I have always wanted to put up a foundation in your memory so we could help poor talented kids to go to art and music school, at the same time help the least fortunate children in our town with their medical needs? It seems like I have to go through an eye of a needle first before I even get anywhere. I don't know how to even make a start. I'm kind of reluctant now because I have asked for help a few times already so I could help Baby Jacob, but I don't seem to get a lot of help from other people. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I really just want to help. You are probably aware that I used to raise funds for Bantay Bata, right? Even then, I found it difficult to ask help from people. I don't know what people have in mind when you ask them for help, but sometimes they don't seem to trust you. Arrghhhh.

That's why I am jealous with the help that other charities are receiving. Perhaps they are more pro-active than I am. 

I am running the half marathon soon. I wanted to raise funds for your former art and music school because I want to help with their scholarship program, but unfortunately, they are not able to register with Just Giving. That was the only way I thought I could raise money for them. Well actually, I could use paypal, but based on my previous attempt to raise money for Baby Jacob's liver transplant, it didn't go that well. So, it's a shame that I will not be able to help your school this time.

But that doesn't mean I will stop helping. Whether you have a foundation or not, I would still help when I can and that's my promise to you. I just need to sort out my priorities first and then I will concentrate on raising funds for your school. I believe in their advocacy and I know that they have helped a lot of children realize their potentials.

I'm sure we can work together on this. When I am more ready, I will let you know. For now, please ask Papa Jesus to guide me.

You are missed very much Pochongchong. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

January 28 is K Lighter Day

I have been thinking whether to have both your angel birthday and angelversary as K Lighter Days. However, I also thought that it may be too much for our friends and family to do what I have asked them to do, so I had to choose between your angel birthday and your angelversay. Since January 28 will remain the saddest day of my life, I decided to make it officially the K Lighter Day. My aim is to basically turn that sad day lighter as you would want it to be. What do you think? Don't worry because every beautiful day is a K Lighter Day. I also just want to have an official day, so there you go.

Last January 28, I asked our family and friends to make the day a K Lighter Day again just like what we did on your first angel birthday. I want to share what my friends have done for you. I am really grateful that some people never get tired of helping me remember you.

I met Michelle online via the Grieving Mothers. It' really such an honour for me that she actually participated on our K Lighter Day.

From my ever loyal and very good friend Mila and my ever supportive "virtual" friend Sarah. Sarah and I met over a a crazy sale on www.net-a-porter.com. It all started with my comment on not getting an Alexander Mc Queen bag. We have been in touch regularly since.

Ate Leng as you know is one of my good friends and she has always been there for me. And Emma is a friend from University, whom despite the distance and lack of communication, she remains to be so thoughtful.

I think you have met Alma before. perhaps when you were a baby. She is a good friend from high school.

This is from Tita Gara. Although I have only met her once in person, I know we have that special bond. And since then, I felt like she has been in my life for a long time.

And this is what I have done for you. I read the Bible, lit a candle, wore blue and played your song as soon as 12 midnight struck.

This is just to remind you that you are not forgotten. I will always be thankful that God has given me a boy who can make a dreadful day a K Lighter Day. Keep inspiring people young boy! We are so proud of you. 

My endless love to you,

Mommy Tintin

Our first day without you

Our first day without you also happened to be your 9th day in heaven. It was not that bad at all yet because after we sent you off, people remained in the house until your 9th day. I was going to say celebrate, but it was not like that. It's our tradition to pray and prepare some food on 9th day. Until now, I still don't know the exact reason why we do such thing. I never really asked Inang.

As usual, people came to join us. There were a lot of people which was good. Your friends and teachers came at lunch and some of them came back for dinner too. There were also children from different schools.

People were talking about your send-off. Some of them said that they haven't seen that many people in a long time. People were amazed on how talented you were. They didn't realize that you were that active in school and out until you left. They were actually surprised that you were joining competitions in other places.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that we gave away CDs of your favourite songs. And on your 9th day, we played your songs over and over again. We sang along and some kids danced as well.

I must say at this point we didn't feel that alone as yet because there were people in the house most of the time. Perhaps those who are still close to us didn't want to leave us. It is very good to know that  a lot of people wanted to help our family during our time of need. Most of them volunteered. We didn't even have to ask them to help. They were there as soon as they found out what happened to you. Our family is very blessed to have those people in our lives.

I am missing you so much anak. Please visit me again soon. Love you, okay?


Mommy Tintin

The Final Goodbye

05 February 2012 - We woke up very early after only a few hours sleep the night before because your "send off" was at midday. Inang was at your bedside already crying, asking you to forgive her for scolding you at times. She said it was because she loved you that's why she didn't want you to do naughty things. She kept saying that she would miss pressing your chunky legs. It was so heartbreaking seeing her cry. I'm sure it was an awful feeling to bury your grandchild. One by one, we went to tell you our last words. I was cuddling Meowmeow because that's the only I could think of getting closer to you. I couldn't say anything. I just wished you'd never left. 

The first few hours in the morning seemed long. Still, a lot of people came to see you until it was time to get ready because the people have arrived to pick you up. Inang and the rest of the oldies wanted you to have a band, but Papa, Mama and I disagreed because we knew that you wouldn't have liked that. You hated loud noise. So we decided to play your favourite song "Lighters" instead. Of course we edited it so as not to play the swear words. Instantly, the song became so famous that everyone, from children to adults were singing along as we walked you to church. You were in a horse-drawn carriage which was beautiful. We wanted to give you the best as we would have if you were only given another chance to spend more time with us. Your friends from the Knights of the Altar escorted you. All of your family and friends wore white. The number of people who turned up at your "send off" was overwhelming. I never thought that you were that known to people. There were of course a lot of children. I was so proud of you that you made such an impact on people.

When we arrived at the church, Ate Glory was playing the violin. There were already people at the church. Tito Roman coordinated everything and I was so happy with how they managed to arrange such a beautiful service. What they did was what they call a " Christian burial", just like what the famous President Aquino had. It was very solemn. 

Ate Glory played the violin for a few minutes before the mass started. And then there was a small program where a few people, (including me) gave their eulogy. I am not entirely sure of the order, but I think your friend F gave his eulogy first, followed by Sir J and a representative from your student council. Tito Roman did the first reading which was very heart-warming and comforting. I have totally forgotten what was it all about, but it was kind of telling us that God has taken you because someone like you who is pure shouldn't be stained or something like that. And then I gave them my eulogy. I tried not to cry but I was already crying even before I got in front. I was never a good speaker, but for some reason when I was standing in front of so many people (the church was full), telling them all about you, I was very confident and eloquent- for once. I could almost hear you telling me, "Kaya mo po yan, Ikaw pa". It was so overwhelming seeing people cry when I cried, and laugh when I laughed. I was standing there as the proudest Mommy, for having the best child anyone could ever hoped for. 

Your friends, and even Sister E then sung "Lighters" for you. At times we almost couldn't understand what they were singing because they were obviously crying. The choir also sang along with them, even the crowd. And while they were singing, your photos were being projected in front.

After the service was the offering of flowers. People queued to offer flowers for you and perhaps also to see you for the last time. We were all sat in front and as people passed by they expressed their sorrow and offered their condolences to each of us. Still, Ate Glory played the violin and then the choir sung a few songs until everyone has offered their flowers.

And then it was time to walked you to your eternal resting place. It was and still is the most painful walk I have taken in my life. Your song was playing all along and the more I listened to the song, the closer I felt of losing you forever. There was a part of the song that really indicates that we were getting closer to your resting place. I think it is the chorus before "Royce Da 5'9". Even Ading Cxyrelle said that actually. It is the beat of the drum (if ever there is) I think.

When we got to your resting place, everyone started crying again, Inang and Mama being the loudest. Inang wanted to touch you for the last time, but they didn't allow her. Apart from the day I found out that you were gone, this was the most painful of all. I knew from that moment that I would never see you again. There, we have lost our beautiful Keith forever.

I can't believe that it has now been a year since we bid farewell to you anak. Time has flown so fast. But this doesn't mean that we will forget you, for we never will. You will always be in our hearts and we will be thinking about you everyday of our lives. We love you so very much as we have loved you all your life. Nothing will ever ever change, only that you are no longer here.

Mommy Tintin

Your Last Night

04 February 2012- I was getting more and more emotional because I knew that we only had less than hour to be with you. When we have taken you to your resting place, that was it. We would never see you again. And the many people who came to join us for at least 7 days would soon disappear so the sadness that we would feel would be twice as much.

I stayed close by you the whole night. Apart from being embarrassed by the amount of people outside, I wanted to stay with you as much as I could because that was  our last night with you.

Your friends came earlier and left quite early too, but Aga stayed until about 2am. In fact he didn't want to go home, but we asked him to because his Dad was with him. 

Earlier that evening, there was also a mass. I was worried at first because I thought the amount of people present on your last night was not that much. But Inang and other people told me that that was already a lot of people. Maybe my expectations were just high that's why what was a lot for them, was not enough for me. But to be honest, inside our house, our backyard and outside (in the street) were full.

I don't think any of us actually slept that night. Even if we did, maybe only for an hour or two. 

We played your songs and your photos over and over again. It was getting more and more difficult and everyone was feeling it. The night went by quite fast. I didn't want it to end. I wanted you to stay a it longer, even if you were sleeping very peacefully. People were saying that you looked really happy because you looked like you were smiling. People were also saying that you were really handsome and most if not all of them, expressed their regrets of not meeting you personally and for going home to Jesus too early.  They said that you could have done more in life with your talents, your good looks and your good character. Everyone said you were "sayang".

When the last group of people left, it was Sunday at 6am and then we had to say good to you.

I miss you so much anak ko. Please remember that you're always in my mind. I love you.


Mommy Tintin

Reality Sucks

30 January 2012 - We met Papa at the airport because we arrived on the same day, just a couple of hours apart. When I saw him, I gave him a very tight hug. My tears were falling, but Papa remained strong. He just said, " It already happened. We can't do anything anymore. We just have to accept it." I admired Papa for being so strong, but I was also worried that he probably was just holding back. I know he had to be strong for Mama and your Adings, but I also believed that it was okay for him to cry. That arrival was very unusual as it was only Tito JL who came to pick us up from our family. It was far from the usual where you and your Adings and Inang and Mama would be waiting inside the car.

The journey always seemed long when you're eager to go home. Inside the car, we talked about you but there were no tears. We only talked about happy memories, but Tito JL was very quiet. I knew he was in a lot of pain because he was there when everything happened.

We decided to get off at Mama E's house because there were a lot of people in the street in front of our house, so we took the back entrance. Auntie V was the first one to greet us. As soon as I saw her, I cried. She hugged me and told me to be strong.I wanted Papa and I to be together when we entered the house. We were holding hands and the squeeze got tighter and tighter as we got closer to you. People were staring at us. I have imagined the whole thing.

That was the most painful moment ever. It was as if my heart was being pierced. I couldn't believe that the next time I saw you, you would be sleeping so peacefully. As soon as Mama saw us, she went to Papa and started screaming again. I could feel the pain in her cry. It was so painful that I still cry whenever I think of that moment. And then she came to me crying and said , "our son is gone, our son is gone". We hugged for few minutes and I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, that we all had to be strong. Inang was already crying when I saw her. I couldn't really think of anything to tell her. Who really would want to see a grandchild go before you? Your grandchildren should be taking you to resting place and not the other way around. They were into pieces. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to comfort them. And then Tatang came, so did your Adings. Tatang wasn't crying but I could feel  his pain. It was beyond explanation. I cried more when your Adings came to me. I felt so helpless. Their eyes said everything that I needed to know.

When everyone calmed down, Papa and I stayed beside you. He was telling you about the stuff that he brought for you and that he will have to give it to Ading Lye. I'm sure you wouldn't have said no, knowing you. I also bought you your favourite perfume.

You had so many visitors that night anak ko and a lot of beautiful stories about you emerged. It was so overwhelming that even those people we didn't know came to see you and each had a story to tell. Most of them, they knew you because their grandchildren talked about you when you were still with us. 

Those and more stories to come. I am missing you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Our Flight

29 January 2012 - We were finally on our way home. The plane was kind of full, luckily there was only me and Daddy in our row because I couldn't stop crying. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't want to eat anything. I just couldn't take in any food. I usually sleep on the plane the whole time, but I couldn't sleep at that time. I was thinking about you. Everything felt so unreal. I kept asking why did it happen to you? What did go wrong? Of course I didn't get any answer. 

That flight felt the longest I've ever took. It was about a 13-hour flight and I could't wait to get home to you. I also haven't spoken to Mama and Inang. It was only Papa that I was communicating with because I was sure that if I spoke to either Inang or Mama, we would all break down, so I avoided that. 

We would arrive on Monday afternoon and I just couldn't believe that you were gone.

30 January 2012 was the reality, and it sucked. In fact it still sucks whenever I recall that very first time I saw you in your eternal bed. I wanted to pass out.

But hey, you gave us the strength that we needed. And please thank Father God and Papa Jesus for keeping us strong.

I miss you terribly. I love you dear boy.

Mommy Tintin

January 28: Then and Now

January 28, 2012 - Our Journey Home

All I wanted that day was to go home so I could see you. While I was packing, I was already imagining what it was like to go home and see you in your eternal bed, instead of you coming to me and giving me a big hug. I couldn't imagine it, it was the most difficult thing. 

Daddy and I left for the airport quite early. Our flight was supposedly at 1120am. I fell asleep on the plane even before it took off. When I woke up three hours later, we were still on the ground. Daddy told me that there was a problem, then they made an announcement that we won't be able to fly anymore because they didn't manage to sort out the gas leak so we had to get off the plane. This news didn't actually help, but maybe there was a reason for it too. But why on the day that I needed so badly to go home? Kind of weird, right? So, Daddy and I had to find a new flight. We had to queue for at least three hours before we could speak to anyone. During that time, I met three different group of people- all trying to go home because they too lost a loved one. One of them was crying and was insistent that she should be given the priority because she had to go home. I was thinking, so am I. I have just lost my child and I need to go home soon too. When it was our turn to be served at the counter, they told us that there were no more flights available on the same day. But I told them that I've just lost you and that I needed to go home as soon as possible. The ladies were very helpful. I knew they tried their best to get us to the earliest flight possible, but there was none until the following day. Daddy and I had to stay at the hotel for a night. Maybe it was a good thing because that meant that we would be arriving in the Manila almost at the same time as Papa.......

I later on heard different stories about this fateful day. All of them were equally heartbreaking. Inang apparently didn't know that you were gone, so she planned to go to the hospital to bring you food on her own. While she was waiting for a bus, Tito Gil phoned Mama Es to tell her that we have lost you. No one knew about it as yet. Apparently Inang couldn't get hold of Mama but she never thought that something bad may have happened to you. So Mama Es ran to our house screaming that you were gone. Tatang was alone in the house. It must be so difficult for them because they had to hear it from Tito Gil. And so Tatang went to pick up Inang from the highway. Inang was wondering why Tatang was taking her home. It took a lot of courage for Tatang to tell her that you've left us forever. Of course, Inang broke down. I don't know what else happened to Inang after that. Meanwhile, Daddy Henry was campaigning for someone when he received Mama Es's text and apparently he broke down in tears and had to be sent home. Mama Es said later on that he has never seen Daddy Henry cry so much, even when they lost Tito Ryan.

It was also your friend A's birthday. You were meant to be there. Mama told me that A's grandmother went to the market to buy food for A's birthday and she heard from people over there that you were gone. So A's grandmother went home instead and broke the sad news to your friends. As you would expect, they were in shock. Apparently whenever their phone rang, they hoped that it was you to tell them that you were going to A's party. But obviously not. After they had something to eat, they went to our house to wait for you. Imagine what your young friends had to go through that day. 

Not to mention your Adings. This is one thing that we never really talked about. My heart broke for them the moment I found out what happened. I didn't know how they would take the bad news. Who would tell them? How would anyone tell them? I was so worried about them. I know how much your Adings loved you and to suddenly not have you in their lives was beyond my imagination. My heart still breaks whenever I think about that. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to hug them very tight. But I wasn't there.

January 28,2013 - One Year On

Believe me, as I am writing this I feel like I am still living in that moment of disbelief. The pain remains as intense as it was a year ago. 

But you know exactly how to make this day easier for all of us. You actually already made today a K Lighter Day even before any of us did. You made us all proud once again. Just in time for your first angelversary, Casa featured five of your paintings at their exhibit in Harbor Point, Subic. Anak, you have no idea how it made us all proud. That was a dream come true. And thank you for making this day a K Lighter day!

As you probably know already, I phoned home a lot of times today. I wanted to be with our family even if I am miles away. It's always a pleasure to know that a lot of people joined our family in celebrating your life on earth. I'm sure a lot of stories about you were heard again. It's actually good because it's also an opportunity for us to tell them about your paintings.

Your friends and your teachers were there too. Too bad I was not able to speak to them....

Today is also another K Lighter Day. A few of my friends participated again just like last year whwen we celebrated your first angel birthday. I will write about it separately.

You know anak, we miss you so much. You will always be in our thoughts. You will never be forgotten. We love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

The phone call that shook my world

27 Jabuary 2012- When I phoned Mama that morning, she told me that they finally have decided to give you blood. Apparently, they were looking for blood donors so they could directly transfuse you but everyone who volunteered were either tired, under nourished or not your blood type. Even Tito JL who, the last time he had his blood type checked was the same as yours, suddenly had a different blood type. Until now I still understand how did that happen. Obviously there was a mistake somewhere. And because they couldn't find a suitable blood donor, they had no choice than to buy blood from Olongapo which is at least an hour and a half away from Iba. It was Tatang and Tito Joseph who went to buy blood. For some reason Mama found out later that day that there was actually a blood available for the patient next door. No one though about it until few hours later. So they borrowed the blood for the meantime. I was relieved to know that at least something was happening. I couldn't go out the house until I was reassured that you were fine. Mama told me that you were more pinkish that you were before they gave you blood and that you were feeling better.

That day Inang and your Adings also visited. I briefly spoke to Inang and she was also pleased that you felt better. Your Adings were playing outside because apparently you didn't like them being noisy inside your room. Of course they missed you anak that's why they were all over you. Perhaps you were in pain at that time because you really didn't want to be touched although you didn't mind the nurses poking needles on you.

That afternoon, I met up with Daddy and a friend and we had dinner at our favourite Viatnamese restaurant. On our way home, I called Mama. That time I felt something different in her voice. For some reason, I could feel weakness in her voice and then she broke down. She said she was tired seeing you like that. Although she said she never really saw you suffer because you didn't show it to her and that you didn't complain about anything, she could feel that you were suffering. All the time that you were sick, I never heard Mama speak to me like that. And the fact that she was crying made me think that something horrible has happened. 

Anyway, when we got home Papa called me to say that he wanted to go home to see you. I reassured him that everything will be fine now that you have been transfused with blood. But he was worried that something bad would happen to you. I somehow thought about that too, but I was trying to be positive. After all, you were receiving the right treatment.

Before I went to bed, maybe around 1030 at night I called Mama again. I asked her if you have been okay with the blood and if you were short of breath. She said you had oxygen but you were more comfortable without it. She also said that you were no longer passing blood in your stool, but the doctors prescribed some laxatives apparently to help get rid of any old blood. I found that weird but I was also pre-occupied with other things so I really didn't think about it that much.

Around 1130 pm (0730 in the Philippines) I was still trying to get some sleep but for some reason, I was having palpitations. I felt something weird, so I phoned Mama. For the first time, she didn't answer her phone right away. I then called Tito JL, but he only didn't pick up, and so did Tito Junjun. I also tried calling my friend's mobile but he too didn't answer. I started to panic. My instinct was telling me that there was something wrong, so I called the hospital. It took them sometime to answer the phone. I was already in a real state of panic when the nurse picked up the phone. She couldn't tell me exactly what was going on, she had to call the other nurse. I overheard her  saying, " Keith's Mommy from London is on the phone, what should I tell her?". The moment I heard that I started crying. My mind started visualizing things. And when the nurse told me that they brought you upstairs, I knew you were in ITU. I just knew it. Then Tito JL finally took the phone. At this point I was already shaking. I remember asking Tito JL if you were on the ventilator, or if they were doing CPR on you, or if you were being defibrillated - I just wanted to know what they were doing with you. But Tito JL couldn't tell me. He said he didn't see what was going on. So I told him I'd call again, but I was in such a state that I wanted to pack my things and go home. I was crying as if I have already lost you. Daddy was trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. But I knew in my heart something bad was happening to you.

And then I called again and this time I spoke to Tito Junjun.  He couldn't speak to me properly because maybe he was also in shock. Tito JL was apparently with you. But what really broke my heart was hearing Mama screaming in the back ground. She was calling out to God to save you. She was like, "yung anak ko, yung anak ko, tulungan niyo yung anak ko" (my son, my son, help my son). For Mama to be crying and screaming like that, it could only mean one thing. Tito Junjun had to put the phone down because he had to attend to Mama. I told him I would call back again but my world was starting to fall into pieces. I could feel my heart breaking in two. It was so painful listening to Mama like that. I felt so helpless. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I wanted to be there.

Few minutes later, my phone rang and it was my friend. Even before I picked up the phone I have expected the worst. I knew it was hard for him too but he had to do it. His first words were, " I'm so sorry Naneng, your son is gone. We did our best. He fought until the end.We even had worse cases than him, but why your son?". He also told me that you lost about a litre of blood. I was so calm speaking to him, I couldn't understand why. I told him he didn't have to say sorry and that it wasn't their fault. I was just thankful that they did their best to save you. I told him I had to go because I wanted to go home and he said sorry again. Few minutes later, Papa called. Papa was very calm. He just said, "Wala na si Keith Ading. Sayang na bata." And then we just talked about what time we were going home and stuff like that. 

While I was packing our stuff, Daddy Don was looking for flights. By that time, I have stopped crying. You know when you're in shock that you can't cry anymore? That was me. I was so numb. I was speaking to you out loud while I was packing. The reality set in. I have lost you forever and nothing could ever explain the pain I was feeling at that time. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment I knew I will never be the same again. I knew a big part of me has been taken away. And I knew that a missing piece will never be replaced. I knew that my life has changed forever.

I knew from that moment on, I will be missing you everyday of my life. from the, now and until forever I will love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Two days before the day

26 January 2012 - I was finally on a day off and I managed to call Mama as often as every hour to check on you. Mama said that you were okay but still having headaches and you still had the fever. Your platelet apparently has fallen, but it was not low enough for the doctors to worry. Mama told me that they had difficulty taking your bloods. She said they have been trying more than once. I could feel your pain anak while Mama was telling me all about this. I do take bloods on older people at work and I feel so sorry for them everytime I miss it because I know it's very painful. I could imagine you perhaps cringing or even crying when they were doing that to you. But Mama told me that you never moaned when they were taking your blood. You basically just didn't show any signs that you were in pain. You didn't even say a word. 

While I was talking to Mama that day, I could hear you from the background. You wanted to go to the toilet. Although you had a bedpan, you didn't want to use it. No matter how weak you may have been, you still walked to the toilet with all the IV fluids and stuff. I had to put the phone down a bit while Mama attended to you.

When I phoned again, I managed to speak to you briefly. I asked you how you were and you said, "okay lang po". I asked you if you were in any pain, you said just your headache. You denied any other pain. I couldn't help but cry listening to you. You were such a brave boy. How could you possibly took all the pain without a single complaint? Mama said you never showed them that you were in pain. The only thing that Mama noticed was that you clenched your fist at times. That probably was your way of showing your pain. But apart from that, nothing. You didn't even cry. Not even once. Not even when they were poking you with those horrible needles multiple times. This is the same reason why doctors loved you because whenever they gave you injections, you never fought them and you never cried.

I was relieved somehow because Mama told me that the doctors were apparently happy with your progress. See apart from my friend, you also had a paediatrician and one other doctor who looked after you so I was kind of confident that you would pull through. And although you looked pale, Mama said that your blood results were okay. She also said that you were on a bit of oxygen but you really were not short of breath.

All those times Mama was very calm. I never heard any panic in her voice whenever I spoke to her. I admire Mama for her strength. I know it was so difficult for her to see you sick, especially because you were the one who never got ill. That was the only one time you got sick and you needed to be in the hospital.

Things happened so fast anak. It was so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that all this has happened. How I wish it never did.

Please know that I love you very much. If only I can do anything to bring you back. I miss you so so much my brave boy.

Mommy Tintin