Renewing my relationship

I know it will not be easy but I am slowly trying to renew my relationship with God. No, I am not doing it with anyone. I am alone in this. I may not have the fellowship that every Christian has or need, but I know that will come eventually. For now, I just want to take things slow and enjoy every moment of my "getting to know you" phase with God.

After browsing on a few bible apps, I may have finally found the one that will help me build up my new relationship with the Lord. And since I started quite late, I am still catching up on the previous lessons. This is actually Bible in a year. 

At times, I feel a little lighter and more hopeful that God is in control and that I should stop worrying about anything. It's kind of hard for me not worry, but I am determined to lift everything up to Him. I know I just need to trust Him.

So anak, I'm sure you are pleased to know about this. I need your help though. I'm sure you will.

I'm still a baby in this again, so I will need more time to just do what I need to do.

As you are my little angel up in heaven, I'm sure you will guide me on this.

I will never get tired of telling you how much I love and miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Ading Cye and Meow

I skyped with Ading Cxyrelle this morning and I was holding Meow. She was so happy to see meow, she calls Meow "Miming" pala. I told her that Meow is actually older than her because Meow has been with you from the day you were born. So, she said that really, Meow should be her "Kuya". I sort of wasn't sure because for some reason I have always thought that Meow is a "she". If you noticed in my previous letters, I've always addressed Meow as a she. Maybe Ading is right. In fact even Daddy told me that Meow is a he. Now, you have to tell me if Meow is a he or she. :)

Also, Ading was showing me her collection of stuffed toys and hello kitty. Guess what? She has taken over your (and Ading Lye's) bed. Yes, she sleeps there on her own with her furry friends. Ading Lye sleeps with Papa and Mama. Ading Cye seems to be enjoying having her own bed. Oh and remember your other favourite toy? That big dog? It's still there and he is with Ading's friends. :)

Nothing really, I just want to give you a quick update. 

Hayyy, I miss you so much. I love you ha.

Mommy Tintin

Papa's finally home

Please thank Father God for keeping Papa safe on his journey home. He arrived home around 1am. Mama and Tito JL picked him up from the airport. There was a delay apparently because the bus had a flat tire. So Daddy Henry and Tito Nonong picked them up in Olongapo.

I phoned home few hours before they arrived and I spoke to Ading Cxyrelle. She was excited to see Papa. But I'm sure she was more excited of her pasalubongs. Haha. Ading sounded smart. I think she's going to grow up a smart lady. I hope that doesn't change though.

I spoke briefly to Papa when they arrived home. Your Adings were already asleep. Well, Ading Linus woke up and Papa carried him up to their room because they fell asleep with Inang while waiting for Papa.

I'm excited to speak to your Adings tomorrow, especially Ading Cxrylle. I'm sure she has a lot to say.

Well, this weekend was your last with us last year. Ten days more and it's the saddest day. Time has flown really, really fast. :(

I love you so very much anak ko. Missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

The violin sign

After Daddy and I watched the Field of Dreams yesterday, we went out for a walk. When I opened the door there was a business card on the floor and it was from someone who teaches violin. If I haven't told you already, I have been thinking of learning the violin for a few months now. My only problem is that it's quite expensive and at the moment I need to focus on saving money to buy a house and to build a house back home. I would really love to learn to play the violin though. One thing that I could probably do is learn via youtube. I guess that's the cheapest way to do it.

Another problem I have is that I don't have a violin. I am planning to buy one the next time I go home because it's cheaper over there. Ah, that's one thing I need to do.

Well, I keep thinking that maybe that business card is a sign that you want me to learn the violin. I will keep that in mind. But I would really love to learn the violin, maybe not now but one day.

I really don't believe in signs, but if this is the way you want to relay your messages to me, then please anak, feel free to do it. I know that as angels in heaven, you have so many ways on telling your loved ones what you want them to know.

I miss you so badly and i love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

It's our 15th Anniversary

Daddy Don and I have been together for 15 years. We were on a long distance relationship for 10 years and then 5 years ago, he came to live me in England. How time flies really fast, hey? I was thinking last night that really, when you were born Daddy and I have been together for 3 years. I don't know but I have always thought that we were just going out when you were born, but apparently not.

Sayang, Daddy Don could tell you a lot of stories about how he pursued me and stuff. If only you stayed longer then he could have told you how to court a girl. I know Papa and Tatang would have also told you, but Daddy Don has his own style if you like.

I'm really thankful that we have gone this far. We've had our own share of ups and downs, but as you can see we have managed to stay together after all these years. Ah, I could have told you how he proposed to me in Venice. Maybe you could have done the same, huh?!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this day with you too. We will have a dinner at the most romantic restaurant in London, or so they say. Daddy and I always try to go out on a proper date on our anniversary. It's always good you know. So there you go.

I miss you and I love you so much anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

Just to say goodnight

I was going to tell you a story but I am quite tired. I had this free theatre ticket from work so Daddy and I decided to watch tonight. It's only 10pm in London, but I already feel really sleepy. Mommy is getting old. Haha. I can no longer stay late unless it's my day off the following day. Besides, working 9-5, Monday to Friday is taking all my energy. I barely have enough time to do everything that I need to do, especially household chores.

I am sending you this short letter to say that I always think of you no matter how busy my day can be. I promise you, you never leave my mind. I just want to say goodnight for now my baby pogi and I shall write to you again tomorrow. Mommy loves you very much. I hope to see you in my dreams later.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's new job

I thought I'd tell you about my new job. I started almost a month ago now and I think things are going well. The only problem I have is the time. I now work 8-4 Monday to Friday and I am struggling because I have been so used to working three longs days a week and having the rest of the week off. This is the reason why recently, I have been feeling really tired and I basically don't have the energy to do anything at home anymore. I am jealous of those who prefers this shift. Ijust can't get my head round to doing things after work. I get home after 5 and by that time, I feel really tired already so that means I won't be able to do any household chores which then will stress me out. Ah, I know it will be better soon. But apart from that, I am happy where I am now. There's not a lot of pressure at the moment because our role is new and there are no high expectations.

So far, everyone that I've met is very friendly and helpful. This is probably why this hospital is one if not the best hospitals in England. I haven't not seen a nurse or anybody taking out their frustrations at other people. They seem to be always smiling. So  I actually feel lighter in this working environment.

Surprisingly, no one has asked me if I had a child. They assume that I am still young and not married. This is good I guess. It keeps me away from talking about losing you. I don't know these people very well yet and I don't think I am ready to let them in in my life as yet.

I am getting used to sleeping with Meow now. I am kind of scared that if I stop doing this that I may go back to having bad dreams. I even wake up sometimes looking for her if I realize that I am no longer holding her. Meow gives me comfort, as she did to you perhaps. How I wish you were it. :)

Well my boy, I hope you're having a good time up there. We are leaving for Paris tomorrow night so please watch over us and tell Papa Jesus to keep us safe. I will write to you before we leave. I can't wait to see Lolo Monet's garden and tell you all about it.

Missing you loads baby boy. I love you ha.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's last day at work

After 10 years, I am finally leaving my job in Bristol. It took me this long to find the courage to get out of my comfort zone, but I guess it's worth the wait.

I couldn't wait for this day to come, because I know that after this day, I will be facing a completely new life in London with Daddy Don. While I was living between two cities for the last 7 months or so, I was not really able to take the whole of London into perspective. I felt like I was still just visiting the city. Now I can proudly say that I am a resident of London.

I feel sad because I will be leaving good friends behind. I have worked with wonderful people for the last 10 years and I am not sure if I will find the same colleagues anywhere else. They have seen me in my darkest and brightest days. They have seen me cry, laugh and honestly, they have seen a lot of my personality. And perhaps because I was true to them, I gained their respect somehow.

The least I could do today was to email some of my colleagues to say thank you and I received an overwhelming response. Some of the emails I received were not even expected. But nevertheless, I am really humbled by their messages.

So there, the end of an era. This has been the longest that I have stayed in one job. It has been a roller coaster ride and it took me 10 years to be where I wanted to be.

I know Mommy will be alright wherever she goes because she has an angel watching over her. I should really thank you for giving me the courage to try things that I thought I could never do. I wouldn't have gone for this job if it were not for you.

I love you anak ko and I am missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Someone tried to enter our flat

On Sunday night, around midnight while Daddy and I were busy on our laptops, we heard this loud noise from our door. It sounded like someone was opening the door with a key. Daddy and I were startled so we both got up. When Daddy Don got to the door, it was already opened and there was this white guy standing in front of Daddy. Daddy asked what he wanted, but the guy instead apologized to him as he apparently entered the wrong door. Then the guy went down the stairs and was on his phone. He was telling the person on the other line that he told him the wrong flat and that he should go down and apologize to the "chinese" guy. He was in front of our building for more or less than 10 minutes.

We were both wondering why he had to say that to the guy. And if he really wanted to steal something then he should have ran off and not hung around in our neighbourhood. Maybe he was honest when he said that he entered the wrong flat, but why does he have our key?

Because Daddy and I were not sure what his intention was, we had to call the police. They came a few minutes later to investigate. They told us they would treat it as a crime as there was breaking and enetering.

So today, they changed our lock and I am hoping that this incident will never happen again.

I hope you're okay up there anak. Tomorrow is the 1st of August and soon enough it will be your first angel birthday.

Oh, how I miss you so much. Please know that I love you.

Mommy Tintin

The dreaded question

I met an old-ish lady today and we were talking about my trip to Italy. Somehow I mentioned that I went there with my husband and that's when she asked, "have you got children?". It took me few minutes to answer because I didn't know what to say to her. i hesitantly said, "I had, but lost him early this year". She was sorry to her that, but then she went on further as to what took you away. I told her the truth and explained to her what happened. She went really quiet and I thought I saw tears in her eyes, but I ignored it as I didn't want to cry. She asked if I would have any children of my own because I told her you were adopted. I said I would love to have children, but not quite. 

People have told me to start having children of my own after you left. But I find it insensitive. Perhaps people think that it will make me feel better. What they don't realize is that they asking me to replace you. I know that's probably not what they mean, but that's how I understand it. And worse this is sometimes, they have the tendency to disregard you as my son because I adopted you. I really don't understand that at all. Adopted or not, you were my son. End of.

Perhaps it's unavoidable to be asked if I had any children and I mean, it's okay. It's just that I always find hard to find the right words to say. I hope one day I'll find a better way to answer people when they ask that dreaded question.

I thought about you most of the day anak. I am missing you so much. I love you ha.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's ordinary day

I went to work at the London Clinic today and I was suprprised how big the hospital was. I don't always look forward to working in other hospitals because I know that there will always be someone who isn't helpful. But today, I couldn't believe that everyone I spoke to in that hospital, from cleaners to consultants were very nice. I don't think I've seen that anywhere else. And this has inspired me to become nicer to people I don't know. Not that I am nice already, but sometimes people come up to me with an attitude and give them back just the same. But I learned not to take things personal form what I have seen yesterday. Maybe the person may just be having a bad day.Actually, my friend has already told me that I have positively changed since you left. I have yet to reflect  on that. But I will surely tell why she thinks I have changed. I just need to sit down and clearly think about it.

It's actually the olympics opening ceremony tonight. Daddy is watching but I can't be bothered with it. So I'm lying on the floor writing to you. 

I am tired na anak ko. I need to go to sleep. I love you always. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

I challenged myself today

Daddy and I are planning to join the Paris to Versailles 15k marathon in September. But before I sign up for anything, I want to make sure that I will be able to do it first. I have not actually ran any more than 11k. So today, I was feeling better so I decided to challenge myself.

I started running at 830am. I went to the park that I normally go to and just went around and around. Too bad my runkeeper didn't work for the first half an hour. I was a bit energized as there were a lot of people walking towards where the torch parade would be. I was listening to my "Run" playlist which includes your songs. 

I am not sure how many times I went around the park. But when I finished with my run, my recorded time was 1 hour 12 minutes for 10k.  The runkeeper only started recording 30 minutes into my running, so I think I may have ran more or less 15k. I was not that tired afterwards. I know I could have done more but I was scared because I have not done 15k before. Your song didn't play because maybe you knew I could have ran more. I wasn't that tired.

Anyway, I will register for the run in Paris now. I think I can do it. I have chosen Philippine Red Cross as my charity. I have emailed them so I'll just have to wait for their reply.

I love and miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

It's my birthday

I almost freaked out when I found out that all restaurants in Manarola that has wi-fi are already closed. I was getting angry at your Daddy for not telling or reminding me that they close between 8 and 9pm. Anyway, I am glad that I found a free wi-fi not far from our apartment even it means I have to stand in the middle of the street. 

Anyway, I had a very nice birthday. Daddy took me to a boat ride to another town and then we watched the sunset on top of the hill. We drank the champagne that the owner of the hotel gave us last night. Daddy bought a cake too and of course I blew a candle. I just feel bad that I was not able to speak to any of our family today. I think this is my first birthday when I didn't get to speak to anybody. I guess I have a good reason of not having an international roaming and the fact that wi-fi is not free and not always easy to find. I will just speak to them on Friday when we get back to London. 

I must tell you what happened last night. Daddy and I were at the marina watching a Lolo fishing. All of a sudden I reached inside my bag and took my mobile phone out. I was in awe when I saw 00:00 Wednesday 11 July displayed on my screen, of course with your photo on it (as my screensaver). 

What a coincidence right? I was hoping that you would visit me and greet me happy birthday just like what you did to Papa. But it's okay if you can't at the moment because of that little trick last night. I would take that as your way of greeting me happy birthday. 

Well, it's getting late again and we need to go back to our hotel soon. This is my first birthday without you. You and your adings would normally greet me on the phone individually. How I missed that today. And I miss you more. I love you anak. 

Mommy Tintin 

P.S. 

I will edit all my letters to you wneh i get home. Love you.x

Our hiking day

I received a good news from Mama when I woke up this morning but I will tell you all about it when I go back to London so that I can write to you properly. At the moment I am at a cafe waiting for Daddy to come back. He went to pay for our hotel. 

Anyway, we left our hotel very early- around 630am to start our hike. It took us an hour and a half to get to the first town. It would have been quicker if we didn't stop to take pictures. You know how what we're like. I have not hiked in years but I think it wasn't too bad. My fear of heights didn't take over my excitement to experience the hike so perhaps I did well. 

Because we started early, I wasn't very tired on the first part of our hike. On the second part though, I started feeling the heat. By this time, it was almost 9am because we stopped at the town to have breakfast first. Anyway, the second part of the hike is worse than the first one. It was more hilly and the trails were narrower. But the views of the Italian coast was amazing! I am glad I was wearing my trainers as I would have done the hike with utmost difficulty if I insisted in wearing flipflops. I have to submit to the fact that Daddy was right. Hehe. 

I was thinking about you during the hike because again I saw kids your age hiking. I wondered if you would have wanted to hike. Perhaps you won't right? You probably won't mind the hike itself, but i don't think you'll tolerate the heat. Daddy and I thought that if ever we have your brother or your sister, we would take them hiking. 

We will be moving to another town today and will spend my birthday over there. I don't know what we're gonna do yet but I am sure it will be as memorable. I wish you were there to listen to my hiking story when I call home on Friday. But never mind because I have told you about my experience first before anyone. I can't wait to go back and speak to Mama so I can tell you about the good news. It's the best birthday gift so far this year. Yes perhaps better than this Italian trip because it's all about you. 

I miss you so much anak. I love you okay? I will write to you again tomorrow.

Mommy Tintin

Just dropping by

We are now in Corniglia village in Cinque Terre. It is very hot yet I see old people and children your age or even younger climbing up the hills. You probably won't tolerate this weather as I know very well that you hate the hot weather. We just had our lunch and after this we're also going to start hiking. I am writing to you now because I don't know what time we're able to get back. We just had our lunch and I am taking advantage of the free wi-fi as there is no wi-fi at our hotel. 

A lot of things are reminding me of you here- just simple things. I just want you to know that I think of you wherever I am. I am missing you loads. I love you. 

I will write to you more if we get home early tonight and if I can steal the wi-fi at this restaurant as our hotel is just 2 doors away. For now, just pray for our safety in climbing up the hills. Ciao baby ko! 

Mommy Tintin

First day in Italy

It's almost quarter past one in the morning here in Bologna. I'm still awake because we just got home about a few minutes ago. We had a very long day today. Daddy and I arrived in Bologna around 1pm and immediately, we went out to check out the town. I quite like Bologna anak. It's very quiet and there are not a lot of cars in the main city centre. Daddy wanted to see more places but we ran out of time. After hanging around at their famous piazza, we went up to this tower which really scared me. I don't know if I have told you before that I am scared of heights. We climbed I think more or less than a hundred steps, in wooden stairs. The stairs were really steep and quite slippery. You can imagine how scared I was. But I managed to go up and down the tower without passing out. 

Then we watched an outdoor cinema in the night. Daddy and I have always wanted to do this but for some reason we didn't have the chance. To be honest, this has been the highlight of our trip. In fairness we really didn't do much but it was such a nice experience to be out there under the stars watching a Swedish film with majority of italian folks. I am not sure if you would have enjoyed this trip. Perhaps not but I would have loved to take you to Italy for sure. 

Tomorrow we will be leaving early for Cinque Terre where I will be celebrating my birthday. I will make sure to update you from there. 

Thank you for your prayers anak and please continue to pray for us. I love you so much and I am missing you. 

Mommy Tintin

We're leaving for Italy tomorrow

This would be our first proper holiday since April last year. A lot of things have happened since and I guess Daddy and I deserve a holiday. So tomorrow we're leaving for Cinque Terre. We'll be staying there for five days. I was going to bring Meowmeow, but I thought maybe she won't like it there. It's kind of a hiking trip and I am afraid that I might lose him. Besides I don't think that this will be a trip that you wanted to go to anyway. So, I am taking your t-shirt instead just so I have a piece of you with me. 

We will leaving for the airport quite early tomorrow. We have already packed but I still have some stuff to do. It's always stressful to pack because of the weight limitations of baggage and things like that. It would be have been better if Daddy wants to check in our baggage, but he doesn't because it's not free. So as much as I am not comfortable with dragging stuff at the airport, I have no choice.

From tomorrow I will be writing to you form Italy. I don't know how our day is gonna be like, but I will find time to write to you, okay anak?

Mommy has to go now as I still need to sort out some stuff. I love you baby and I will be thinking of you on our trip.

Please watch over me and Daddy and tell Jesus to keep us safe. Miss you!

Mommy Tintin

Still on your drawing

It seems like I have not actually moved on from your mysterious drawing yet. I am still looking for ways on how I could interpret it. The lady I phoned yesterday about psychologists has got back to me today and told  me that they may not be able to give me the answers that I am looking for. She suggested that I should speak to a psychoanalyst and see what they say.

I will have no time anymore this week to find a psychoanalyst because Daddy and I are leaving for Italy on Sunday. I have some errands and houseworks to do tomorrow and on Saturday. But I promise I will look for someone who can interpret your drawing when we get back. I know you probably are thinking why I am doing this. And knowing you, you do not want any fuss when it comes to your artworks. But you know, this recent drawing that Mama discovered I believe has a mystery on it, so I am very eager to find out about it.

Ah, perhaps in Italy I will come across somebody. Who knows? I know someone out there will be able to help me.

By the way, I forgot to mention that looking at your drawing, it appears to me that it's a pendant? I don't know if that's what you were thinking then but it reminded me of Tito JL's dream about a pendant that has XI on it. Remember that? It may not be related at all but the fact that it looks like a pendant I am thinking that probably there is a link between the two. Ah I don't know.

I will let you know as soon as I found someone who can interpret your drawing. For now, it will remain a mystery.

Well, some of my friends think that you are very talented indeed when I showed them the drawing. They think it's an abstract because apparently that's how it looks like at first glance until you look at it closer.

How I wish I can speak to you and ask you about the drawing. I know you most probably say "wala po", but I just want to hear your voice. Visit me soon because I am missing you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

A drawing and A box

Mama told me yesterday that she found a piece of folded paper inside your wallet. Maybe Mama hasn't touched it for a while since you left that's why she only found it now. Apparently there was a drawing on that paper but she couldn't figure out what it was. The only thing she said was that it looked like an illusion. Mama said she's planning to take it to someone who can interpret drawings, but I told her to take a photo of it first then I will show it to my godly friend. She said she'll do it tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Papa sent a box and they recieved it yesterday. Now I know why Inang went to Manila with Mama Es and Daddy Henry. They apparently picked up the box from Ninang Ester.

So your Adings were very excited about the box. Both of them received bags and Ading Cxyrelle already used it for school today apparently. And guess what she put inside the bag? Powder and perfume. She's so kikay, right? That's probably why you called her Kika.

Oh, I know you would been as excited as they were about that box. I bet you were there with them when they opened it anyway. You are greatly missed. Please visit me soon. I miss you so much.

I love you my Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

Mama's dream about Darwin and Tito JL's finally home

Hi anak, I talked to Mama briefly this morning and she mentioned that she dreamed about Darwin (your gold fish). She was not sure if it was Darwin or the other fish, but apparently it died. Meanwhile, Ading Lye and Ading Cxye were playing with Darwin and he was kissing their fingers. I am sure Darwin misses you. I told them to look after him and to clean the aquarium often so he will not die. Mama was telling me that they will bring Darwin with them when they move to their new house. She is actually planning to build a room for you so he can put your paintings and Darwin in there. But when I have enough money, I will build a studio for you because I know you wanted to have one.

On the other hand, as of this writing Tito JL is most likely back in San Felipe for good. He took his board exams over the weekend and today they went to pick him up. Inang went with them. When I spoke to Tito on skype, they were already in Subic, so they should be home now.

It's just so sayang because if you were still, you could be spending more time with Tito. I am sure you will be listening to music and you will be sleeping over at their house more often than you did. Ahhhh, I am sure it will be difficult for him because I know how close you two were. I will speak to Tito when he's settled and perhaps ask him to share his memories with you through my letters to you. I know you had so much fun together.

For now anak, I have to get ready as I am going back to bristol again today. I will be thinking about you for sure and will be listening to your songs while I'm on the bus.

I love you so much and hope you know that!

Mommy Tintin