Guess what?

You probably already knew that Papa used to join poster making contests when he was younger. I have always known that he could draw very well. He actually also did some letterings as well. But you know, he really didn't pursue any of those talents. In fact when he became good at playing chess, he seemed to have forgotten his "talents". 

I was actually surprised when he started posting some of recent works. To be fair, he hasn't held a charcoal perhaps in more or less than 20 years. And all of a sudden he comes out with beautiful pieces. Inang told me that Papa wanted to follow your footsteps also. Funny, right? That your Papa is the one following your footsteps. I can see you smiling up there right now. You are probably also surprised. It's just a shame that you're no longer to look at Papa's work. Now I am wondering why he didn't do all this when you were here. He didn't even drew or painted with you I think. But, I think there is a purpose. Because then even if you are not here, your Papa and your Adings will continue what you have started.

I am just so happy to see Papa do what he used to love doing. It's just a shame you're not sure to enjoy it with him. I am sure you're in his thoughts when he's working.

Mama

 Ading Cxyrelle

This is what surprised me the post. I didn't know Papa can paint. He only ever used water colours and coloured pens. Hehe. But look, looks familiar, right? You are indeed his inspirations.

Hayyy Keith, I don't really know why you had to go. Things would have been better and far more enjoyable with you around. But hey....

I am missing you so much. It's almost two years now but the feeling is still the same.  You are greatly missed my Pochongchong. Mommy loves you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

Your teacher and the girl on the road

Hi anak, I was meant to write to you yesterday but I didn't get the chance. Something happened that upset me. But don't worry anak because it hasn't got anything to do with me. It's just yesterday, I saw this girl in the middle of the road on her own, crying. She may have been 2 or three years old. Luckily the truck stopped. I heard the loud horn from the truck and when I saw the girl, I wondered where the mother was. I realized that she was actually a few metres away from the child, pushing her bike. The mother was probably reminded by the loud horn that her daughter was left behind so she went to pick up the girl. But I saw that she was angry from how she lifted the girl. Then she dropped her on her bike, pushed it and let it go in the middle of the road. I attempted to help the girl but the mother beat me to it. I was so upset that I had to cool down and drop my clothes at the laundrette first and then went back to find them, but unfortunately they were gone. I was so shocked I didn't know if I had the right to tell the mother off. But I was so angry that these people are even given the chance to have children. Life is really so unfair. While I would do anything and everything to have you back so I can love you and take care of you more than I used to. I just don't understand. It's hard to understand. This is what I have been complaining about. There are worse people out there. Why us and not them? But perhaps thats really life. I know the mother may have been going through something at that moment, but it was not a reason for her to treat her daughter like that. No child should be treated that way.

Anyway, Mama told me that your former teacher has passed away. I know that she was not your favourite teacher because of what she did to your friends, especially your bestfriend but you still respected her as your teacher and someone older than you. I am sure you will see her in heaven soon.

Anak, I miss you so so much. How I wish I could have you back. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Chasing Our Dreams

I only realized now that I have not written to you for almost a month now. I am so sorry anak. I have no other reason than being tired and busy. But as I always say, that doesn't mean that I don't think about you because I always do no matter where I am, no matter what I do. You are constantly in my mind.

Well anak, I have a good news for you. I know we still have a lot to go through but I think I may have found a way to raise money for your charity. I found this website where people can donate money and I registered. So far, two people have donated. Unfortunately, I will need 5000 pounds in order to register a charity in the UK. But I am in no rush. I will take this one day at a time. I know it will never be easy, unless of course I had the money. So for now, I am holding on and hoping that there will be people out there who will join me in this journey.

Here is how your site looks like:

And here is the link: http://www.gofundme.com/2q7hgg

Even though I have posted it on both my page and your memorial page, our friends and family apparently have not fully engaged themselves in this. But I know one day, your dream, our dream will come true. We will be able to send least fortunate talented kids to art and music school.

I am sure you will ask Papa Jesus to help me with this endeavor. I love you so much Keith. I miss you so so much already. Wish you were here.

Mommy Tintin

I did it again!

So, I ran my first ever half marathon last Sunday for you. I must admit that it was the most difficult run that I have done so far. It was very cold. But I wanted you to be proud of me so I endured the cold to finish my run in 2 hours and 30 minutes. It's funny how you make me feel like you were with me. I was becoming impatient because I felt like I have ran 10km when in fact, I have only ran 5k. I hate it that they actually put how many km have you ran. It doesn't  help me at all.

Anyway, at 16km I was feeling really tired and I already wanted to walk, but then your favourite song "Lighters" came on. I always get embarrassed whenever I want to give up and this happens because I know that you're telling me not to give up because you believe I can do it. So I carried on until the last kilometer when your song came on again. Ha, maybe you were telling me this time that you were proud of me. I don't know but whenever I am running, your song always comes on when I am ready to give up. That's your little trick on me and it always works.

So anak, my first ever half marathon was for you.

 

I love you and I miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

 

Taking the extra mile for you

We're now in Holland for the Hague half marathon. It is my first half marathon and it's your Daddy's third. The weather in England has been really bad lately so we really didn't train as much as we should. I only ran 20k once and I think it was not that bad. After the run, I felt like I could have ran more. The only thing is, I killed my left middle too. It is now black. It was painful at first, but the pain is completely gone now.

So tomorrow is the day and it's raining in the Netherlands. Daddy and I are quite worried as we really never ran in the rain before. I am most worried of the cold really because I am not very good with it. Besides, I left my jacket in London. In fact I left a lot of my running stuff because I didn't have much time to pack, so all was done in a rush. Even Daddy forgot his gloves. So I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I am confident that Father God will guide us and of course, you will be there to look over us too.

I feel bad because I am not able to sponsor Casa San Miguel. It is the only charity that I want to help at the moment because I want to help kids who are talented yet can't afford to go to art and music school to hone their talents. I want to keep your legacy that way. But I am not losing hope. One day I know I will be able to help Casa San Miguel in my own way. I just need some time.

Thank you for the inspiration anak. If it were not for you, I wouldn't have gone the extra mile to prove to myself that I can do anything. You are the only reason why I am doing these things. You are my inspiration.

Ah, I miss writing to you. But even if I don't, believe it or not, you are constantly in my thoughts. I miss you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Daily learnings: Day 1

I have not only written for a day and it seems a long time for me already. I am trying to search for something---perhaps solace. It's never ending anak and I keep fighting. I am not sure when will this ever end and if I ever will get tired. But I live in your mantra, so I know I can do everything. I just need your guidance and of course the Man above.

Today, this is what I learned from Nicky Gumble:

"Sometimes we feel ourselves facing a seemingly impossible situation. It might be a relationship that seems to have broken down irretrievably or some issue to do with health, finances or something else where change seems impossible. But with God there is always hope, no matter how bad things look. Nothing is impossible with God. His power makes all things possible."

I have only one prayer today- that everything will get sorted and that we remain together.

As much as I want to pour my heart out, I can't.

Just know that no matter what happens, I love you. I wish you'd never left. It would have been easier. Missing you loads anak.

Mommy Tintin

365 letters

I can't believe that I have been writing to you everyday for a year now. Time flies really fast. Writing is the only thing that I could do to express how I feel. It helped me a lot to recover from your loss. There is something about writing to you that made (and still makes) me feel better.

A lot of things have happened since I started writing to you, some good, others bad. These letters are a reflection of my emotions since you left. I may have not completely disclosed everything here, but one day I will.

It's been so nice talking to you in letters. You have taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to be honest with my feelings and you allowed me to just be myself. 

I am still in search of that purpose and I have not completely recovered from your loss. I don't know how long will this journey take, but I am hoping that someday somehow, I will learn to fully accept that things happen for a reason. I still believe that God has a purpose and soon I will know.

After 365 letters I'm sure I will still be writing to you. It may not be everyday now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you anymore. You will always be in my thoughts, wherever I go, whatever I do. I will continue to work hard to make my dreams for you come true.

If I am not able to write to you, I will instead speak to you when I speak to God.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write to you everyday. And thank you for proving to me that I can do anything. I live in your life's mantra, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". You will forever be my inspiration.

I love you very much anak ko and nothing will ever change that. I will miss you every single day of my life.

Mommy Tintin

P.S. - Papa has left for Saudi again. Please watch over Mama, Inang, Tatang and your Adings.

You continue to make us proud

By now a lot of people would have visited your paintings at the Harbor Point. I didn't know that it was going to be there for a while. But recently, people have been sending me messages and tagging me on their photos with your paintings. It leaves me speechless sometimes that you continue to inspire people and make us proud. If only those people who visit your paintings know that you're no longer here.

Anyway, so one of my friends (you probably have met her)posted a message and a photo on my facebook wall today, much to my surprise. And she wrote, "Ate tin, i wasn't able to light a candle or wear something blue on keith's anniversary in heaven and i felt bad so i decided to drop by and see his paintings at harbor point. I hope I made Keith smile in heaven". I'm sure you wouldn't mind if people forget your angelversary, but don't you think it's sweet? I am very blessed that I have beautiful people in my life.

I know you appreciate this anak and you probably are whispering "thank you" right now to everyone who always remembers you.

We love you Keith. You will never be forgotten.

Mommy Tintin

I'm jealous

While it is very easy for other people to ask for help and to be helped, it is such a struggle for some. I am saying this because remember I have always wanted to put up a foundation in your memory so we could help poor talented kids to go to art and music school, at the same time help the least fortunate children in our town with their medical needs? It seems like I have to go through an eye of a needle first before I even get anywhere. I don't know how to even make a start. I'm kind of reluctant now because I have asked for help a few times already so I could help Baby Jacob, but I don't seem to get a lot of help from other people. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I really just want to help. You are probably aware that I used to raise funds for Bantay Bata, right? Even then, I found it difficult to ask help from people. I don't know what people have in mind when you ask them for help, but sometimes they don't seem to trust you. Arrghhhh.

That's why I am jealous with the help that other charities are receiving. Perhaps they are more pro-active than I am. 

I am running the half marathon soon. I wanted to raise funds for your former art and music school because I want to help with their scholarship program, but unfortunately, they are not able to register with Just Giving. That was the only way I thought I could raise money for them. Well actually, I could use paypal, but based on my previous attempt to raise money for Baby Jacob's liver transplant, it didn't go that well. So, it's a shame that I will not be able to help your school this time.

But that doesn't mean I will stop helping. Whether you have a foundation or not, I would still help when I can and that's my promise to you. I just need to sort out my priorities first and then I will concentrate on raising funds for your school. I believe in their advocacy and I know that they have helped a lot of children realize their potentials.

I'm sure we can work together on this. When I am more ready, I will let you know. For now, please ask Papa Jesus to guide me.

You are missed very much Pochongchong. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

It's still on!

I thought that your painting exhibit has ended but apparently not. One of my friends sent me photos of the exhibit. Just to let you know anak that a lot of people have been to see your paintings. Someone that Mama knows told her that on opening day, there were a number of people looking at your paintings and they were amazed at how good you were. I'm sure they didn't know that you no longer are here to celebrate that success. In fact, I thought that it would have actually been better if they wrote something about the paintings. It would have been more meaningful. But anyway, I am happy and proud enough that a lot of people are able to see your beautiful paintings.

And oh, I forgot to tell you, they also did a small tribute for you on their culminating event. I think Sir C made a speech about you or something and then the students played the violin. Everyone was there. I'm glad that Mama, Papa and your Adings were able to attend. Remember they were in Ilocos? But they went home early so they were able to watch the tribute.

I'm sure this is only the beginning of more exhibits for you. I know because one day, I will be the one organising it. I am holding on to that dream and with God's help I know one day it will happen.

Please continue to watch over us. I love you so much Pochongchong. Mommy misses you more than you know. I need a hug from you badly.

Mommy Tintin

Harbor Point Exhibit

First of all, thank you for always being our little "Lighter". You really know when to make us feel better. Few days before your first angelversary, Mama was approached by Casa regarding your paintings. They borrowed ten of them. Five of them remained in Casa, while the other five were exhibited in Harbor Point, Subic. Thank you for sharing your talents to many people anak. Your legacy lives in your work. It is our honour for your paintings to be included in that exhibit. We are so proud of you!

I love and miss you so much.


Mommy Tintin
        

January 28 is K Lighter Day

I have been thinking whether to have both your angel birthday and angelversary as K Lighter Days. However, I also thought that it may be too much for our friends and family to do what I have asked them to do, so I had to choose between your angel birthday and your angelversay. Since January 28 will remain the saddest day of my life, I decided to make it officially the K Lighter Day. My aim is to basically turn that sad day lighter as you would want it to be. What do you think? Don't worry because every beautiful day is a K Lighter Day. I also just want to have an official day, so there you go.

Last January 28, I asked our family and friends to make the day a K Lighter Day again just like what we did on your first angel birthday. I want to share what my friends have done for you. I am really grateful that some people never get tired of helping me remember you.

I met Michelle online via the Grieving Mothers. It' really such an honour for me that she actually participated on our K Lighter Day.

From my ever loyal and very good friend Mila and my ever supportive "virtual" friend Sarah. Sarah and I met over a a crazy sale on www.net-a-porter.com. It all started with my comment on not getting an Alexander Mc Queen bag. We have been in touch regularly since.

Ate Leng as you know is one of my good friends and she has always been there for me. And Emma is a friend from University, whom despite the distance and lack of communication, she remains to be so thoughtful.

I think you have met Alma before. perhaps when you were a baby. She is a good friend from high school.

This is from Tita Gara. Although I have only met her once in person, I know we have that special bond. And since then, I felt like she has been in my life for a long time.

And this is what I have done for you. I read the Bible, lit a candle, wore blue and played your song as soon as 12 midnight struck.

This is just to remind you that you are not forgotten. I will always be thankful that God has given me a boy who can make a dreadful day a K Lighter Day. Keep inspiring people young boy! We are so proud of you. 

My endless love to you,

Mommy Tintin

Reality Sucks

30 January 2012 - We met Papa at the airport because we arrived on the same day, just a couple of hours apart. When I saw him, I gave him a very tight hug. My tears were falling, but Papa remained strong. He just said, " It already happened. We can't do anything anymore. We just have to accept it." I admired Papa for being so strong, but I was also worried that he probably was just holding back. I know he had to be strong for Mama and your Adings, but I also believed that it was okay for him to cry. That arrival was very unusual as it was only Tito JL who came to pick us up from our family. It was far from the usual where you and your Adings and Inang and Mama would be waiting inside the car.

The journey always seemed long when you're eager to go home. Inside the car, we talked about you but there were no tears. We only talked about happy memories, but Tito JL was very quiet. I knew he was in a lot of pain because he was there when everything happened.

We decided to get off at Mama E's house because there were a lot of people in the street in front of our house, so we took the back entrance. Auntie V was the first one to greet us. As soon as I saw her, I cried. She hugged me and told me to be strong.I wanted Papa and I to be together when we entered the house. We were holding hands and the squeeze got tighter and tighter as we got closer to you. People were staring at us. I have imagined the whole thing.

That was the most painful moment ever. It was as if my heart was being pierced. I couldn't believe that the next time I saw you, you would be sleeping so peacefully. As soon as Mama saw us, she went to Papa and started screaming again. I could feel the pain in her cry. It was so painful that I still cry whenever I think of that moment. And then she came to me crying and said , "our son is gone, our son is gone". We hugged for few minutes and I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, that we all had to be strong. Inang was already crying when I saw her. I couldn't really think of anything to tell her. Who really would want to see a grandchild go before you? Your grandchildren should be taking you to resting place and not the other way around. They were into pieces. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to comfort them. And then Tatang came, so did your Adings. Tatang wasn't crying but I could feel  his pain. It was beyond explanation. I cried more when your Adings came to me. I felt so helpless. Their eyes said everything that I needed to know.

When everyone calmed down, Papa and I stayed beside you. He was telling you about the stuff that he brought for you and that he will have to give it to Ading Lye. I'm sure you wouldn't have said no, knowing you. I also bought you your favourite perfume.

You had so many visitors that night anak ko and a lot of beautiful stories about you emerged. It was so overwhelming that even those people we didn't know came to see you and each had a story to tell. Most of them, they knew you because their grandchildren talked about you when you were still with us. 

Those and more stories to come. I am missing you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

January 28: Then and Now

January 28, 2012 - Our Journey Home

All I wanted that day was to go home so I could see you. While I was packing, I was already imagining what it was like to go home and see you in your eternal bed, instead of you coming to me and giving me a big hug. I couldn't imagine it, it was the most difficult thing. 

Daddy and I left for the airport quite early. Our flight was supposedly at 1120am. I fell asleep on the plane even before it took off. When I woke up three hours later, we were still on the ground. Daddy told me that there was a problem, then they made an announcement that we won't be able to fly anymore because they didn't manage to sort out the gas leak so we had to get off the plane. This news didn't actually help, but maybe there was a reason for it too. But why on the day that I needed so badly to go home? Kind of weird, right? So, Daddy and I had to find a new flight. We had to queue for at least three hours before we could speak to anyone. During that time, I met three different group of people- all trying to go home because they too lost a loved one. One of them was crying and was insistent that she should be given the priority because she had to go home. I was thinking, so am I. I have just lost my child and I need to go home soon too. When it was our turn to be served at the counter, they told us that there were no more flights available on the same day. But I told them that I've just lost you and that I needed to go home as soon as possible. The ladies were very helpful. I knew they tried their best to get us to the earliest flight possible, but there was none until the following day. Daddy and I had to stay at the hotel for a night. Maybe it was a good thing because that meant that we would be arriving in the Manila almost at the same time as Papa.......

I later on heard different stories about this fateful day. All of them were equally heartbreaking. Inang apparently didn't know that you were gone, so she planned to go to the hospital to bring you food on her own. While she was waiting for a bus, Tito Gil phoned Mama Es to tell her that we have lost you. No one knew about it as yet. Apparently Inang couldn't get hold of Mama but she never thought that something bad may have happened to you. So Mama Es ran to our house screaming that you were gone. Tatang was alone in the house. It must be so difficult for them because they had to hear it from Tito Gil. And so Tatang went to pick up Inang from the highway. Inang was wondering why Tatang was taking her home. It took a lot of courage for Tatang to tell her that you've left us forever. Of course, Inang broke down. I don't know what else happened to Inang after that. Meanwhile, Daddy Henry was campaigning for someone when he received Mama Es's text and apparently he broke down in tears and had to be sent home. Mama Es said later on that he has never seen Daddy Henry cry so much, even when they lost Tito Ryan.

It was also your friend A's birthday. You were meant to be there. Mama told me that A's grandmother went to the market to buy food for A's birthday and she heard from people over there that you were gone. So A's grandmother went home instead and broke the sad news to your friends. As you would expect, they were in shock. Apparently whenever their phone rang, they hoped that it was you to tell them that you were going to A's party. But obviously not. After they had something to eat, they went to our house to wait for you. Imagine what your young friends had to go through that day. 

Not to mention your Adings. This is one thing that we never really talked about. My heart broke for them the moment I found out what happened. I didn't know how they would take the bad news. Who would tell them? How would anyone tell them? I was so worried about them. I know how much your Adings loved you and to suddenly not have you in their lives was beyond my imagination. My heart still breaks whenever I think about that. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to hug them very tight. But I wasn't there.

January 28,2013 - One Year On

Believe me, as I am writing this I feel like I am still living in that moment of disbelief. The pain remains as intense as it was a year ago. 

But you know exactly how to make this day easier for all of us. You actually already made today a K Lighter Day even before any of us did. You made us all proud once again. Just in time for your first angelversary, Casa featured five of your paintings at their exhibit in Harbor Point, Subic. Anak, you have no idea how it made us all proud. That was a dream come true. And thank you for making this day a K Lighter day!

As you probably know already, I phoned home a lot of times today. I wanted to be with our family even if I am miles away. It's always a pleasure to know that a lot of people joined our family in celebrating your life on earth. I'm sure a lot of stories about you were heard again. It's actually good because it's also an opportunity for us to tell them about your paintings.

Your friends and your teachers were there too. Too bad I was not able to speak to them....

Today is also another K Lighter Day. A few of my friends participated again just like last year whwen we celebrated your first angel birthday. I will write about it separately.

You know anak, we miss you so much. You will always be in our thoughts. You will never be forgotten. We love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

The phone call that shook my world

27 Jabuary 2012- When I phoned Mama that morning, she told me that they finally have decided to give you blood. Apparently, they were looking for blood donors so they could directly transfuse you but everyone who volunteered were either tired, under nourished or not your blood type. Even Tito JL who, the last time he had his blood type checked was the same as yours, suddenly had a different blood type. Until now I still understand how did that happen. Obviously there was a mistake somewhere. And because they couldn't find a suitable blood donor, they had no choice than to buy blood from Olongapo which is at least an hour and a half away from Iba. It was Tatang and Tito Joseph who went to buy blood. For some reason Mama found out later that day that there was actually a blood available for the patient next door. No one though about it until few hours later. So they borrowed the blood for the meantime. I was relieved to know that at least something was happening. I couldn't go out the house until I was reassured that you were fine. Mama told me that you were more pinkish that you were before they gave you blood and that you were feeling better.

That day Inang and your Adings also visited. I briefly spoke to Inang and she was also pleased that you felt better. Your Adings were playing outside because apparently you didn't like them being noisy inside your room. Of course they missed you anak that's why they were all over you. Perhaps you were in pain at that time because you really didn't want to be touched although you didn't mind the nurses poking needles on you.

That afternoon, I met up with Daddy and a friend and we had dinner at our favourite Viatnamese restaurant. On our way home, I called Mama. That time I felt something different in her voice. For some reason, I could feel weakness in her voice and then she broke down. She said she was tired seeing you like that. Although she said she never really saw you suffer because you didn't show it to her and that you didn't complain about anything, she could feel that you were suffering. All the time that you were sick, I never heard Mama speak to me like that. And the fact that she was crying made me think that something horrible has happened. 

Anyway, when we got home Papa called me to say that he wanted to go home to see you. I reassured him that everything will be fine now that you have been transfused with blood. But he was worried that something bad would happen to you. I somehow thought about that too, but I was trying to be positive. After all, you were receiving the right treatment.

Before I went to bed, maybe around 1030 at night I called Mama again. I asked her if you have been okay with the blood and if you were short of breath. She said you had oxygen but you were more comfortable without it. She also said that you were no longer passing blood in your stool, but the doctors prescribed some laxatives apparently to help get rid of any old blood. I found that weird but I was also pre-occupied with other things so I really didn't think about it that much.

Around 1130 pm (0730 in the Philippines) I was still trying to get some sleep but for some reason, I was having palpitations. I felt something weird, so I phoned Mama. For the first time, she didn't answer her phone right away. I then called Tito JL, but he only didn't pick up, and so did Tito Junjun. I also tried calling my friend's mobile but he too didn't answer. I started to panic. My instinct was telling me that there was something wrong, so I called the hospital. It took them sometime to answer the phone. I was already in a real state of panic when the nurse picked up the phone. She couldn't tell me exactly what was going on, she had to call the other nurse. I overheard her  saying, " Keith's Mommy from London is on the phone, what should I tell her?". The moment I heard that I started crying. My mind started visualizing things. And when the nurse told me that they brought you upstairs, I knew you were in ITU. I just knew it. Then Tito JL finally took the phone. At this point I was already shaking. I remember asking Tito JL if you were on the ventilator, or if they were doing CPR on you, or if you were being defibrillated - I just wanted to know what they were doing with you. But Tito JL couldn't tell me. He said he didn't see what was going on. So I told him I'd call again, but I was in such a state that I wanted to pack my things and go home. I was crying as if I have already lost you. Daddy was trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. But I knew in my heart something bad was happening to you.

And then I called again and this time I spoke to Tito Junjun.  He couldn't speak to me properly because maybe he was also in shock. Tito JL was apparently with you. But what really broke my heart was hearing Mama screaming in the back ground. She was calling out to God to save you. She was like, "yung anak ko, yung anak ko, tulungan niyo yung anak ko" (my son, my son, help my son). For Mama to be crying and screaming like that, it could only mean one thing. Tito Junjun had to put the phone down because he had to attend to Mama. I told him I would call back again but my world was starting to fall into pieces. I could feel my heart breaking in two. It was so painful listening to Mama like that. I felt so helpless. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I wanted to be there.

Few minutes later, my phone rang and it was my friend. Even before I picked up the phone I have expected the worst. I knew it was hard for him too but he had to do it. His first words were, " I'm so sorry Naneng, your son is gone. We did our best. He fought until the end.We even had worse cases than him, but why your son?". He also told me that you lost about a litre of blood. I was so calm speaking to him, I couldn't understand why. I told him he didn't have to say sorry and that it wasn't their fault. I was just thankful that they did their best to save you. I told him I had to go because I wanted to go home and he said sorry again. Few minutes later, Papa called. Papa was very calm. He just said, "Wala na si Keith Ading. Sayang na bata." And then we just talked about what time we were going home and stuff like that. 

While I was packing our stuff, Daddy Don was looking for flights. By that time, I have stopped crying. You know when you're in shock that you can't cry anymore? That was me. I was so numb. I was speaking to you out loud while I was packing. The reality set in. I have lost you forever and nothing could ever explain the pain I was feeling at that time. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment I knew I will never be the same again. I knew a big part of me has been taken away. And I knew that a missing piece will never be replaced. I knew that my life has changed forever.

I knew from that moment on, I will be missing you everyday of my life. from the, now and until forever I will love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Two days before the day

26 January 2012 - I was finally on a day off and I managed to call Mama as often as every hour to check on you. Mama said that you were okay but still having headaches and you still had the fever. Your platelet apparently has fallen, but it was not low enough for the doctors to worry. Mama told me that they had difficulty taking your bloods. She said they have been trying more than once. I could feel your pain anak while Mama was telling me all about this. I do take bloods on older people at work and I feel so sorry for them everytime I miss it because I know it's very painful. I could imagine you perhaps cringing or even crying when they were doing that to you. But Mama told me that you never moaned when they were taking your blood. You basically just didn't show any signs that you were in pain. You didn't even say a word. 

While I was talking to Mama that day, I could hear you from the background. You wanted to go to the toilet. Although you had a bedpan, you didn't want to use it. No matter how weak you may have been, you still walked to the toilet with all the IV fluids and stuff. I had to put the phone down a bit while Mama attended to you.

When I phoned again, I managed to speak to you briefly. I asked you how you were and you said, "okay lang po". I asked you if you were in any pain, you said just your headache. You denied any other pain. I couldn't help but cry listening to you. You were such a brave boy. How could you possibly took all the pain without a single complaint? Mama said you never showed them that you were in pain. The only thing that Mama noticed was that you clenched your fist at times. That probably was your way of showing your pain. But apart from that, nothing. You didn't even cry. Not even once. Not even when they were poking you with those horrible needles multiple times. This is the same reason why doctors loved you because whenever they gave you injections, you never fought them and you never cried.

I was relieved somehow because Mama told me that the doctors were apparently happy with your progress. See apart from my friend, you also had a paediatrician and one other doctor who looked after you so I was kind of confident that you would pull through. And although you looked pale, Mama said that your blood results were okay. She also said that you were on a bit of oxygen but you really were not short of breath.

All those times Mama was very calm. I never heard any panic in her voice whenever I spoke to her. I admire Mama for her strength. I know it was so difficult for her to see you sick, especially because you were the one who never got ill. That was the only one time you got sick and you needed to be in the hospital.

Things happened so fast anak. It was so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that all this has happened. How I wish it never did.

Please know that I love you very much. If only I can do anything to bring you back. I miss you so so much my brave boy.

Mommy Tintin

Kuya G

I came across Kuya G when he tagged Casa San Miguel in one of his photos. I actually liked all the photos he posted so I thought I would add him as a friend on facebook. Luckily he accepted my invite. I have since wanted to ask him about you. He may know you as he is associated with Casa and I thought he was working there. I really didn't have the guts to send him a message until last night when I was looking at one of his art work.

So I told him a little bit about you and then I asked if he knew you. He told me that he only started teaching in Casa last year, so he doesn't know you. You missed each other by a year. But he was so nice and he allowed me to talk a bit more about you and then I asked if I could show him your paintings. Remember when I said that only an artist or someone who is passionate about art can give a good interpretation of a painting? I thought Kuya G is a good artist and I'm sure he would have the eye for a painting. He was ever so nice that he took time to look at your paintings and then he got back to me saying that you were good. He even told me to be thankful because we had you. He also wanted to know how old you were when you painted those, but I could only tell him that you started painting when you were 9. There were dates behind your paintings but I really can't remember everything.

It made me really proud when he said that we were lucky to have you and that he wished he could have met you. My heart melted once more when he said that because you see, even just through your photos and your paintings, people want to meet you. Even when I tell stories about you to some friends who haven't even met you, they tell me the same. And for that, thank you for being the son that we could all be proud of.

Kuya G has an exhibit at the Casa in March. Too bad Daddy and I won't be there to see it. I would have loved to go. But I will tell Mama about it. I'm sure she would be interested. 

Hayyy, if only you didn't leave us then you will be meeting more artists. Never mind, I'm sure you have met better ones up there. :)

I love you so much anak. Missing you as always.

Mommy Tintin

Our Daily Bread

When I was in University, I made sure to read "Our Daily Bread" everyday. But when I came to England, I stopped buying the little book. Until late last year, when I found out that there is an iphone app for it. One of my new year's resolution is to read Our Daily Bread regularly. So far, I have not missed a day but it is too early to say.

I am writing about this now because today, something I read kind of opened my mind a little bit and I would like to share it with you.

There's Power by Anne Cetas

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

When my sister found our she had cancer, I asked my friends to pray. When she had surgery, we prayed that the surgeon would be able to remove all the cancer and that she wouldn't have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. And God answered yes! When I reported the news, one friend remarked, "I'm si glad there's power in prayer." I responded, "I'm thankful that God answered with a yes this time."

James says that "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much". But does "effective" and "fervent" mean the harder we pray, or the more people we ask to pray, the more likely God is to answer with a yes? I've had enough "no" and "wait" answers to wonder about that.

Prayer is powerful, but it's such a mystery. We're taught to have faith, to ask earnestly and boldly, to persevere, to be surrendered to His will. Yet God answers in His wisdom and His answers are best. I'm just thankful that God wants to hear our hearts and that no matter the answer, He is still good.

I like Ole Hallesby's words: "Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only those who are helpless can truly pray.... Your helplessness is your best prayer." We can do helplessness quite well."

Tomorrow, I will let you know what I think about this. I was going to do it now, but this letter will be too long.

Please know that you're always in my thoughts. I love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

It's almost K Lighter Day again

I think I will make your Angel birthdays and your Angelversaries official K Lighter days. One thing that I am not sure of though is if people will continue to support me on this. But nevertheless, I would still love to continue what I have started. And on your first angelversary, here is what I have done:

I actually put together two of your works in one photo to come up with this. Nothing really, I was just having a creative moment and thought I'd do one for you.

Just like our first K Lighter Day, I asked our family and friends to join again by doing 11 of the things that you loved doing:

1. Light a candle (blue preferably if you have one) and say a little prayer.

2. Read the Bible or pray the Rosary

3. Sing or play his favourite song "Lighters" by Eminem

4. Don't hurt or worse kill any insect or animals

5. Play a musical instrument if you are able to

6. Make someone's day "Lighter" in any way you can

7. Make your family and friends feel that you love and care for them

8. Avoid saying bad words

9. Draw or paint something that reminds you of Keith

10. Wear white or blue

11.Remember his motto, "Kaya ko po, Ako Pa" and take the challenge of doing something you thought you can never do.

This time, I came up with 11. I like it actually as it represents your 11 years on earth.

I know it's not going to change. January 28 will always be the day that changed our lives forever, no matter what year it is. That will will remain my saddest day, for I will always remember the day you left us. But I am hopeful that eventually, January 28, will no longer remind us of the pain, but somehow will remind us that a beautiful boy was taken away from us to give way to a new and brighter beginning. I am still hoping that sooner or later, I will be able to find that purpose. I am not giving up on it.

I miss you baby boy and I will forever love you with all my heart.

Mommy Tintin