Daily learnings: Day 1

I have not only written for a day and it seems a long time for me already. I am trying to search for something---perhaps solace. It's never ending anak and I keep fighting. I am not sure when will this ever end and if I ever will get tired. But I live in your mantra, so I know I can do everything. I just need your guidance and of course the Man above.

Today, this is what I learned from Nicky Gumble:

"Sometimes we feel ourselves facing a seemingly impossible situation. It might be a relationship that seems to have broken down irretrievably or some issue to do with health, finances or something else where change seems impossible. But with God there is always hope, no matter how bad things look. Nothing is impossible with God. His power makes all things possible."

I have only one prayer today- that everything will get sorted and that we remain together.

As much as I want to pour my heart out, I can't.

Just know that no matter what happens, I love you. I wish you'd never left. It would have been easier. Missing you loads anak.

Mommy Tintin

Missing you

I just want to speak to you.....

I love and miss you so so much!

Mommy Tintin

Signs

Everyday I ask for signs to let me know that you're with me.....

I am missing you already, please visit me soon. Much love to you my beautiful angel.

Mommy Tintin

I need a guardian Angel

and I know you will be there for me....

Angel of God,

My guardian dear

to whom God's love commits me here,

ever this day

be at my side

to light and guard

to rule and guide

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Our Daily Bread

When I was in University, I made sure to read "Our Daily Bread" everyday. But when I came to England, I stopped buying the little book. Until late last year, when I found out that there is an iphone app for it. One of my new year's resolution is to read Our Daily Bread regularly. So far, I have not missed a day but it is too early to say.

I am writing about this now because today, something I read kind of opened my mind a little bit and I would like to share it with you.

There's Power by Anne Cetas

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

When my sister found our she had cancer, I asked my friends to pray. When she had surgery, we prayed that the surgeon would be able to remove all the cancer and that she wouldn't have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. And God answered yes! When I reported the news, one friend remarked, "I'm si glad there's power in prayer." I responded, "I'm thankful that God answered with a yes this time."

James says that "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much". But does "effective" and "fervent" mean the harder we pray, or the more people we ask to pray, the more likely God is to answer with a yes? I've had enough "no" and "wait" answers to wonder about that.

Prayer is powerful, but it's such a mystery. We're taught to have faith, to ask earnestly and boldly, to persevere, to be surrendered to His will. Yet God answers in His wisdom and His answers are best. I'm just thankful that God wants to hear our hearts and that no matter the answer, He is still good.

I like Ole Hallesby's words: "Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only those who are helpless can truly pray.... Your helplessness is your best prayer." We can do helplessness quite well."

Tomorrow, I will let you know what I think about this. I was going to do it now, but this letter will be too long.

Please know that you're always in my thoughts. I love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

It's almost K Lighter Day again

I think I will make your Angel birthdays and your Angelversaries official K Lighter days. One thing that I am not sure of though is if people will continue to support me on this. But nevertheless, I would still love to continue what I have started. And on your first angelversary, here is what I have done:

I actually put together two of your works in one photo to come up with this. Nothing really, I was just having a creative moment and thought I'd do one for you.

Just like our first K Lighter Day, I asked our family and friends to join again by doing 11 of the things that you loved doing:

1. Light a candle (blue preferably if you have one) and say a little prayer.

2. Read the Bible or pray the Rosary

3. Sing or play his favourite song "Lighters" by Eminem

4. Don't hurt or worse kill any insect or animals

5. Play a musical instrument if you are able to

6. Make someone's day "Lighter" in any way you can

7. Make your family and friends feel that you love and care for them

8. Avoid saying bad words

9. Draw or paint something that reminds you of Keith

10. Wear white or blue

11.Remember his motto, "Kaya ko po, Ako Pa" and take the challenge of doing something you thought you can never do.

This time, I came up with 11. I like it actually as it represents your 11 years on earth.

I know it's not going to change. January 28 will always be the day that changed our lives forever, no matter what year it is. That will will remain my saddest day, for I will always remember the day you left us. But I am hopeful that eventually, January 28, will no longer remind us of the pain, but somehow will remind us that a beautiful boy was taken away from us to give way to a new and brighter beginning. I am still hoping that sooner or later, I will be able to find that purpose. I am not giving up on it.

I miss you baby boy and I will forever love you with all my heart.

Mommy Tintin

My Beautiful Child

Here's a poem for you today....

By the way anak, the poem I told you about yesterday wasn't written by Mama. Apparently it's a song and she heard it from Pastor. In fact, the sung it when you were still with us in your eternal bed.

18 days and it's getting harder and harder each day. We are missing you so much. We love you baby boy.

Mommy Tintin

As the New Year starts....

I want you to know that I am very much thinking of you. And to start the new year, I would like to share this poem (that I found from grieving mothers) with you.

If we could visit heaven,

Even for a day

Maybe for a moment,

the pain would go away.

I'd put my arms around you,

and whisper words so true,

that living life without you,

is the hardest thing to do.

No matter how we spend our days,

no matter what we do,

No morning dawns or evening falls,

When we don't think of you.

I will try to make this year better than the last. I'm sure this is what you want me to do anyway. I'm sure you want us all to move on and be happy. It has been so difficult for the last year, but I will try my best to make this year a little lighter for us. Well, I'll try. I think that's all I can I do.

I am hoping and praying that this year will be different. You know there's one thing that I only wish for. I'm sure you know what it is. Can you please ask God to help us anak? 

I love you so much and I am missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Dear Santa

Growing up, I really can't remember believing in Santa Claus. Maybe I did, but I just can't remember. Of course we had secret Santa at school, but that was different because I basically knew that the gift came from one of my classmates. But when it comes to Christmas stockings, I don't think I ever had one when I was a child. I really never asked for any gift from Santa as far as I can remember. Automatically though on Christmas day, we would go to out godparent's house and there, they would give us money, candies and some gifts. Other than that, I think I never got one from Santa.

So two days after Christmas and the spirit is still very much around. I actually saw this poem that was posted by Grieving Mothers and I find it cute. I don't know how you celebrate Christmas up there. Maybe it is more beautiful than here. And I'm sure St. Nick is the one entertaining the baby angels. Ah, how I wish you could tell me how you celebrate Christmas up there. 

Anyway, here's the poem by Necole Stephens:

Dear Santa, 

I'm writing you this letter as I'm feeling a little blue, 

so I hope you don't think that I'm asking too much of you. 

You visit every year and leave everyone such wonderful things,

 but I'm wondering if you also visit our loved ones who have wings. 

I know you must be busy, so much to do in just one night, 

but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?

You see, we have special loved ones, too perfect for life on earth. 

No presents could we send them, to truly show their worth. 

So could you please leave them all a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, 

filled with precious presents from their loved ones on the ground.

 Please stroke their sleepy heads, tell them their families love them so.

 If you could do this for me Santa, their families might be able to smile, 

if only just for a tiny little while. 

Thank you so much for everything you do. 

After all it is Christmas up in Heaven too.

I know we don't really have to ask Santa this because I'm sure you have your own Santa up there. But knowing you, maybe you won't be queuing for gifts. You will say that you're no longer a child and that you don't need to ask Santa for anything.

I so miss you so much. How I wish I can speak to you in my dreams just to see how you're doing up there. As much as I am confident that you're very well, I just want to hear your voice once more. I love you anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

Our Christmas Card especially for you

Hi anak, I've just made a christmas card for you and I hope you will like it.

This is it for now as I am getting very lonely. Please remember that we love you so very much. Happy Christmas baby.

Mommy Tintin

Eulogy

I have lost a few loved ones before but I really never gave a eulogy. But it was different when you left. I didn't even hesitate. I actually told Tito Roman that whatever happened, I would have to talk about you and there was only one thing that I wanted people to know - that you were an exceptional and inspirational kid! For the first time in my life, I was not shy in front of more than a hundred people. My eagerness to let people know about you took over my stage fright. Of course, I cried but I was so proud of you at that moment and I knew that that was my biggest chance to brag about "the son any parent would wish to have". I told them facts about you that none of your friends probably knew. There were tears and there wear laughters too. Perhaps, any parent who lost a child would want to take that last moment to say all the wonderful things that they have to say about their lost child. While some would like their eulogy to be simple, and straight forward, I wanted mine to be as long as possible. I didn't want to miss any of your milestones.

I am telling you about this now because I read one mother's eulogy and as simple as it may be, it is so touching:

"The sky is crying, and the flags are at half-mast. It is a sad, sad day. But it is also your day, Noah, my little man. I will miss your forceful and purposeful little steps stomping through our house. I will miss your perpetual smile, the twinkle in your dark blue eyes, framed by eyelashes that would be the envy of any lady in this room.

Most of all, I will miss your visions of your future. You wanted to be a doctor, a soldier, a taco factory manager. It was your favorite food, and no doubt you wanted to ensure that the world kept producing tacos.

You were a little boy whose life force had all the gravitational pull of a celestial body. You were light and love, mischief and pranks. You adored your family with every fiber of your 6-year-old being. We are all of us elevated in our humanity by having known you. A little maverick, who didn't always want to do his schoolwork or clean up his toys, when practicing his ninja moves or Super Mario on the Wii seemed far more important.

Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven. Take flight, my boy. Soar. You now have the wings you always wanted. Go to that peaceful valley that we will all one day come to know. I will join you someday. Not today. I still have lots of mommy love to give to Danielle, Michael, Sophia and Arielle.

Until then, your melody will linger in our hearts forever. Momma loves you, little man."

Victoria Pozner (mother to 6-year old Noah)

Mommy is proud of you forever. I miss you so much. Love lots beautiful angel Keith.

Mommy Tintin

New angels laid to rest

Almost five days after the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, families and friends of the victims face what would be the most difficult day of their lives as this would be the last time they will ever see their beautiful children. I can't even find the right words to say at this moment. I have been reading news about the shooting and it just hurts so bad. Seeing photos of those beautiful kids just tears my heart out. It brought back memories when you left. 

There have been lots and lots of tributes for the children and their teachers. And I am really grateful that there are grieving mothers out there who are willing to lend emotional support. Honestly anak, they are also of great help to me. Somehow I find comfort visiting their site and exchanging messages with other grieving mothers.

I found this beautiful poem on the site and I would like to share it with you:

Remembering Newtown Connecticut 

Little faces, little hands

Tiny minds with weekend plans

Full of hope as Christmas nears

Replaced with parents' bitter tears.

Twenty children full of joy

Took just moments to destroy

All their futures swept away

On this sad December day.

Heroes hid them from his sight

Gave their lives up in the fight

Twenty-six have died in vain

Hundreds filled with grief and pain.

Pray for those who died this day

And for those who walked away

Lives were shattered...hope is gone

Pray that they can carry on.

This was such a needless thing

Yet it keeps on happening

Loss of life from senseless crimes

These are sad and frightening times.

Pray for those this evil harms

With broken hearts and empty arms

With Christmas gifts to be returned

And lessons better left un-learned.

People need someone to blame

The news for giving killers fame...

Our mental health and gun reform

And meanwhile violence is the norm.

Pray our world can turn around

That some solution can be found

That love can overcome the hate

And peace can be our countries' fate.

Jennifer Komives ♥ Copyrights 2012

photos from grieving mothers

I'm sure you will soon meet them in heaven. You can teach them how to paint and play the violin. I wish you can tell me when you've met them. How I wish.

For now baby, I want you to know that I love you so much. Mommy misses you so badly.

Mommy Tintin

Someone In Heaven Loves Me by Shari Soklow

I am really grateful for Grieving Mothers on facebook because  of their encouraging and meaningful poems and photos. I also met a few grieving moms on that page that I now regularly keep in touch with. 

Today I want to share a poem with you:

Someone in Heaven loves me, 

And guides me on my way... 

I love someone in Heaven, 

But in my heart they will stay.

Heaven is not a far place... 

There is no better place it seems. 

Its a land more large and kind than earth, 

I go there in my dreams...

I thought this was the best place, 

When you were by my side. 

But when you left my heart broke- 

A million tears I cried!

Then one day I saw a miracle! 

That healed my broken heart. 

I realized the loss of you, was just in me, 

For the little while, we have to part-

While you are in your new life,

My journey is not through...

But the day will come for me to join you,

And start my life anew!

For our lives are like a circle

With no beginning and no end...

We are souls in physical bodies,

And those bodies, we will transcend...

Someone in Heaven loves me,

And guides me on my way.

Until we meet again in Heaven...A place not far away!

I know you love us as much as we love you anak. We miss you so so much!

Mommy Tintin

I Love You, Son

Here's a Wednesday poem for you anak :

I Love You Son

© Ambika Adhikari Tiwari

My dear son! I miss you so much

It keeps hurting, I can’t stop crying

My eyes always search for you in the sky

Heart longs for finding you in the heaven

My dear son! I love you so much

I feel so empty without you

I am so scared of my future without you

Heart longs for being around you for my safety

My dear son! You are my angel

I still feel that you are caring me from above

I tell my broken heart that you are still watching me

Heart longs for your care even from heaven

My dear son! You are my protector

I remember you when I feel lonely

I talk to you when I break into pieces

Heart longs for your support even from heaven

My dear son! I was thinking I gave you life

The reality is that you had given me life

Without you and your presence, I can’t exist

Heart longs for your company in my heart until I exist

Please be there in my heart

I Love You Son!

Source:

www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

I love you so much and I miss you

Mommy Tintin

My Sunday poem for you

I just want you to know that....

Someone Is Missing

By D. Lutz 

Someone is missing from our dinner table, 

from our bedroom and our home. 

Someone is missing from holiday celebrations, 

family vacations and everywhere in between. 

Someone is missing from our lives, 

Our oldest one is gone. 

He will not have birthday parties, graduations, or celebrations. 

We will miss him throughout eternity 

and our family will never be complete. 

Someone is missing, yet we go on. 

Our lives are touched by him. 

Changed forever by his brief existence. 

His memory we keep alive. 

He lives in our hearts and minds, 

We were blessed by his short life. 

Our love for him forever strong. 

Even though...someone will always be...MISSING.

You are so deeply missed. We love you very much!

Mommy Tintin

A Sunday poem for you...

I will always love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Friday Poem For You

In times like this when I am feeling low,

I look up the sky and search for you.

I know you're somewhere out there,

Amongst the star you are that little lighter.

Then I close my eyes and speak to you in silence

And all of a sudden I see your face.

I know you don't want to see me like this

But you know, I have my days.

Your face seems as sad as mine

Perhaps because you can see me crying.

And now I can feel your touch,

I am sure you just want to tell me

 that everything is just going to be fine.

If you're only here, I am sure things will be better. 

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

The music changed

As you loved music and was a musician in the making, I thought I'd share this poem written by Mardi Slagle Peaster  for his son, Douglas.

The day you died,

the muscial score of my life was forever changed.

A sad undertone was added.

Some days it is very loud.

Some days it is very soft.

But it is always there.

I am thankful for the days when I

can hear the joyful melody of life.

I will listen to your song forever in my heart

For me though, my music really changed literally since I lost you as I really have not listened to new songs since then, except Bruno Mars's, which was your favourite singer. I have other songs on my playlist apart from your songs, but most of them were the songs we listened together when I went home in 2011. Those were the the last songs we sang together, especially "Fireworks" by Katy Perry. I remember playing that song and you heard it and boy, the smile on your face. And then Ading Linus told me that you liked listening to the song. So it gave me the idea to dance into the music. I remember jumping up and down, with my hand in the air under the mango tree singing along Katy Perry. And there you were in front of the computer looking at me, smiling at me and giggling at times. The memory is very clear to me as those were our best times together. I am forced to recall everything that happened that time because I want to remember the last of everything that I did with you. If only I knew I won't see you ever again, I would have done more with you. I would have sung more songs with you, watched you paint more, listened and watched you play the violin more, tickled you more, pinched your cheeks more, cuddled you more, let you sit on my lap more, slept beside you more and basically did more with you. Ah, I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss the music in you.

I love everything about you and more.

Mommy Tintin

My Saturday poem for you

Missing You Always

You never said I'm leaving,

You never said goodbye,

YOu were gone before we knew it

And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you

A million times I cried

If love alone could have saved you

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still,

In my heart I hold a place

That only you can fill.

- from grieving mothers

I love and miss you so much baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

I just want you to know.....

" There's only one thing I want to do right now.....

To reach you and touch you and tell you how much you really mean to me.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

And I wish one day, I'd near your voice telling me...

How much you missed me too."

- from grieving mothers

I miss you so much anak. I love you.

Mommy Tintin