I only realized now that I have not written to you for almost a month now. I am so sorry anak. I have no other reason than being tired and busy. But as I always say, that doesn't mean that I don't think about you because I always do no matter where I am, no matter what I do. You are constantly in my mind.
Well anak, I have a good news for you. I know we still have a lot to go through but I think I may have found a way to raise money for your charity. I found this website where people can donate money and I registered. So far, two people have donated. Unfortunately, I will need 5000 pounds in order to register a charity in the UK. But I am in no rush. I will take this one day at a time. I know it will never be easy, unless of course I had the money. So for now, I am holding on and hoping that there will be people out there who will join me in this journey.
Even though I have posted it on both my page and your memorial page, our friends and family apparently have not fully engaged themselves in this. But I know one day, your dream, our dream will come true. We will be able to send least fortunate talented kids to art and music school.
I am sure you will ask Papa Jesus to help me with this endeavor. I love you so much Keith. I miss you so so much already. Wish you were here.
02 February 2012 - It was this day when your friends from Casa came to play the violin for you. I was glad to have met some of the kids, the teachers and of course Sir C. When they started playing, I couldn't help myself from crying because I felt so sad. I have never loved classical music as much until you learned how to play the violin. The sound of the violin is the most beautiful musical sound that I have ever heard. It is so emotional. While they were playing I imagined you. I felt so bad that I didn't see you play the violin at all. They played a few pieces, but what I enjoyed the most was your favourite piece, Canon.
We were teasing Ading Linus. We asked him to bring out his violin and play with the group but he was embarrassed. I'm sure you were happy to see your friends play some music for you.
Because the group came quite early, not a lot of people watched them. It would have been nice if your friends from school heard them play. But never mind, what was important was that we were there and it was so beautiful to watch them. There was this kid that really impressed me. The way he was holding the violin was something. I thought that one day he would be a famous violinist. I found out later on that he was already famous.
The music they played were quite emotional. You couldn't listen to them and not cry. They were very good and while I was listening to them, I was glad that you went to that school to learn the violin.
I would have loved you to play the violin more, but your time was not enough. I knew you would have been very good. Nevertheless, you have made us proud for being the little musician that you were.
I love you so much anak and I miss you every single day.
Nostradamus predicted that yesterday was meant to be the end of the world. I am telling you this now because I remember about the same time last year you were apparently telling Inang and Mama that 2012 is going to be the end of the world. You said that the signs would be water, that there will be a lot of flooding that was going to happen. Ha, you probably read this in one of your researches. I know you loved reading on the internet.
And yes, have you heard of "Gangnam Style"? I don't know why people have associated this with the end of the world, but it's obvious that some people took this seriously. Probably because Nostradamus apparently described the end of the world as this:
"From the calm morning, the end will come ... When of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9."
So, there you go. I'm sure if you were here you would have loved watching the video on you tube. I remember you loved watching funny videos. Just in case you missed this one, here it is:
And yeah, it has reached 1 billion hits! Ah you're really missed. I can imagine you and Ading Linus watching this on you tube and laughing your heads off. I can hear your laugh right now. Oh how I miss hearing you laugh. I love you okay? Please never forget that. Whatever happens, you will always be in my heart.
One of my favourite christmas songs sung by my favourite Martin Nieverra. I haven't actually sang the song for years and then yesterday I was watching my favourite Sarah G live and heard the song. It's actually more of a love song than anything else, but I just like the title because I know Christmas is never going to be the same without you. It's only a few days before Christmas and I am feeling the prick already. I don't know how Mama and your Adings are going to celebrate their Christmas, but I'm sure they will be missing you loads. As for me, I am still debating with Daddy Don whether to put up a Christmas tree or not. Maybe we should because this is Meow's first Christmas away from home. Maybe we should do it for him and perhaps for you. Unfortunately fireworks are not allowed here unless you get a permit. I know you loved fireworks.
Al though the song may not be appropriate for you, I just want to share it with you because I'm sure you haven't heard the song.
It's the time of year when good friends are near
Tryin' hard to find a quiet moment,
Sharing love and joy, children with their toys
Sadness fills my heart to see you go
Christmas won't be the same without you (without you)
Christmas won't be the same if you go
All I need to see standing by my
Christmas tree (is you)
Christmas won't be the same without you
I remember when the times we used to spend
Walking hand in hand until the sun sets,
Then came Christmas eve, the wish you gave to me
How I wish I tried to make you stay
It's been a long, long time
I need you by my side
Hold me tight and don't let go
Let go
I will be missing you this Christmas and on Christmases to come. I love you so much baby.
Today at work, students from Westminster school visited our ward and sung Christmas carols. One of them played music on the violin. I couldn't help but stop what I was doing as soon as I heard the sound of the violin. I went looking for it and by the time I got there, the music was already finished. But at least I was able to listen to it for a bit.
That reminded me of a video that Mama took two years ago during your recital. I remember that you played Silent Night with the rest of the kids in your violin class. It was not the most perfect performance, but it was good for beginners. I am just proud that despite your shyness, you were able to perform in front of other people.
I also remember that you used to sing Christmas carols to our neighbours with your Adings and your other cousins. You enjoyed singing and receiving money afterwards. If you hadn't left, you could have played the violin so you would get more money. But I'm sure you wouldn't ever do that because now you would have been 12 and you would be so embarrassed to go caroling.
See, there are a lot of little things that reminds me of you. Other people may forget you, but I will never do. God knows how much I love and miss you. So please if you see God, ask Him to tell me why He took you. I really want to know.
This song has a different meaning to me now and it has become more important to me than it ever did before. Amazing Grace is Inang's favourite song and she told me that sometime in November last year I think, she asked you to play it on the violin so she could sing along. You know how Inang is like. Whenever she's feeling down, she would always think that she has not got long to live. She gave you the same reason when she asked you to play the song with her, right? And yes, she wanted you to play the song on the violin when she leaves (whenever that would be). Little did she know that you would leave her sooner than she would have ever thought. Inang actually recorded your duet on her mobile phone. It's a shame it wasn't on the video. Oh wait, maybe it's on video. I just can't remember I will ask Mama again. But what I have is a video of you and Ate Glory playing Amazing Grace on the violin. Mama said that this was your first time to play it and it was almost perfect. So sayang talaga.
I will always be proud of you. I would have loved to watch you play more music on the violin, but God didn't allow that to happen. Whatever His reason is, I am still waiting to find out.
I will always love you baby no matter what happens. I am missing you so much.
I was just going to check if Mama has posted new photos on her facebook, but for some reason I was directed to her videos and I found some of your previous videos there. Remember your first recital? It was in 2010, and I think you've just joined Casa then. I remember Mama telling me that you were learning Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star in different versions. I really don't understand this very well as I was never into classical music, although I also wanted to learn how to play an instrument.
Anyway, I love watching your videos, particularly this one because you and Ading Linus played one after the other. I would never have thought that you would be brave enough to play the violin in front of many people because you were very shy. And the fact that you made a mistake in the middle of your performance, you carried on like a pro and finished it with pride. Now I know why you chose "Kaya Ko, Ako Pa" as your mantra. In everything that you did, you have proven that you could do anything!
I would probably be sharing your videos with my letters in the next few days. You know how much I am proud of you, right?
Well done, baby! You've always done our family proud! I love and miss you so much.
Well, Ading Linus for sure has his own reasons for deciding not to play the violin at the concert anymore. Apparently for the last three days that he has been practising with Ate Glory, he was happy and so focused. But today when he finally mastered "You Raised Me Up", he broke down in tears and told Mama that he is not going to do it anymore. He didn't tell Mama why but he was sobbing apparently. Mama said that he would not stop crying. He actually excused himself from Ate Glory and then he went to Mama and cried. It's really hard to tell what's in Ading's mind because he really doesn't say anything. But Inang told me that Ading complained that his shoulder was painful and that he couldn't do it anymore.
I have mixed feelings on this whole situation. I know Ading is doing this for you. And because he knows he probably can't do it, he is kind of disappointed. I know how much he wants you to be proud of him. He probably doesn't understand that whatever happens, whether he plays the violin for you or not, you will always be proud of him like we all are. Remember when he said that he can do it too because you did it? I'm not sure. I am a bit worried about him because he may think that he has to do these things. He doesn't have you to you know? We want him to do only the things that he can do. I really feel bad about him breaking down. I would really like to know why because you see, he has also played the whole song. It may not be perfect yet, but in three days (an hour each), he managed to complete the song. And then this happens...
I told Mama to speak to Ading tomorrow because he fell asleep crying. It would be nice to know why he decided he couldn't play the violin anymore.
Anak, I know Ading needs his Kuya to be there and encourage him. I know you used to tell him na kaya niya. Now he doesn't have the Kuya that tells him that anymore. Please anak tell him that in any way you can. I'm sure he will listen to you.
By the way, I found this quote on the internet and I would like to share it with you.
I didn't know that it was your dream to play Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" on violin. Mama only mentioned it to me today because Ading Linus has apparently chosen to play it at their school's concert this month. I was actually surprised that Ading has chosen a song that he really hasn't played on the violin before. In fact he hasn't played the violin for almost a year. But he appears to be confident because when Mama asked him if he was sure he could play the song, he said yes without hesitation. For some reason Ading Linus has gained a lot of confidence since you left us. Sometimes Mama and I get really scared because he seems to be getting into things that you started before. We are not even forcing him to do anything, but he now has the initiative to do a lot of things. We just don't want him to think that he is obliged to follow on your footsteps. I mean it would be good, but we want him to do the things that he really likes. I don't know, perhaps Ading has his own reasons for doing all that he is doing now- for you. I admire your Ading for being so sweet and thoughtful of you. I know that he really loves you.
You will be pleased to know that Ading will be using your violin to play You Raise Me Up. He actually told Mama that it would be as if you will be the one playing on the violin because it's yours. Don't you think that's sweet? I'm sure Ading Linus will make you so proud.
For the meantime, let me share this video with you. I'm sure you will like it.
How I wish you got to play that song on the violin. But don't worry, I'm sure you will be playing it with Ading soon. Ah, I miss you so much and I love you.
So after what, 10 months? Ading Linus has finally decided to open your violin. Mama told me that he was teaching Ading Cxyrelle how to play the violin. Remember you told Mama before that Ading Cxyrelle doesn't need to go to Casa to learn because you were going to teach her? It looks like Ading Linus have felt that and he is filling your shoes in. I know he is not that good as yet, but at least he knows the basics. I can only imagine them holding their violins sat on the bed fiddling with it, with you perhaps just behind them watching them and smiling at them. I am definitely sure you are very happy to see your Adings like that. I just wish you were there physically teaching them, too. Ading Linus is so determined to learn the violin this time. In fact he has even agreed to play at a concert on the 26th of this month. I know I don't have to ask you, but please anak, guide Ading okay? I know he is doing this for you and he will be good at it because he looks up to someone who was the best.
Also the funny thing is, the night before Mama had a butterfly in her room. And today while she was telling me about your Adings playing with the violin, she had a grasshopper. Maybe it's you telling them you were with them and that you're proud of what they are doing. Ah, you are deeply missed anak.
But you know what? Mama kept having bad dreams about you. Most of the time when she dreams about you, you are either sick or really gone (I know you are but you know). Last night she dreamt that you were in the hospital and she was hugging you. You were just saying "Mama", and while she was hugging you, you were gone. Mama wants to know why everytime she dreams about you, it's sad like this. I would like to think that maybe it's a message for all of us that no matter how hard we would have tried that you would have left anyway. To me that's what it means, that we wouldn't have been able to save you no matter what. Perhaps it was really your time to go. I don't know, but how I wish I knew what this is all about. Even now I still have bad dreams but they are not as clear as the ones before. I sleep with Meow and although I dream, I really can't remember anything. My dreams have become really vague. And most of the time when I dream, I am no longer holding Meow so I always end up looking for it.
Anak, you know I miss you so much everyday, and I love you too more than you know.
As you loved music and was a musician in the making, I thought I'd share this poem written by Mardi Slagle Peaster for his son, Douglas.
The day you died,
the muscial score of my life was forever changed.
A sad undertone was added.
Some days it is very loud.
Some days it is very soft.
But it is always there.
I am thankful for the days when I
can hear the joyful melody of life.
I will listen to your song forever in my heart
For me though, my music really changed literally since I lost you as I really have not listened to new songs since then, except Bruno Mars's, which was your favourite singer. I have other songs on my playlist apart from your songs, but most of them were the songs we listened together when I went home in 2011. Those were the the last songs we sang together, especially "Fireworks" by Katy Perry. I remember playing that song and you heard it and boy, the smile on your face. And then Ading Linus told me that you liked listening to the song. So it gave me the idea to dance into the music. I remember jumping up and down, with my hand in the air under the mango tree singing along Katy Perry. And there you were in front of the computer looking at me, smiling at me and giggling at times. The memory is very clear to me as those were our best times together. I am forced to recall everything that happened that time because I want to remember the last of everything that I did with you. If only I knew I won't see you ever again, I would have done more with you. I would have sung more songs with you, watched you paint more, listened and watched you play the violin more, tickled you more, pinched your cheeks more, cuddled you more, let you sit on my lap more, slept beside you more and basically did more with you. Ah, I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss the music in you.
Guess what? I just found out that my friend also has a video playing your favourite piece, Canon in D by Pachelbel. When you left, Mama told me that you used to play this on your violin whenever you were challenged. For example, when you had exams and you found it difficult to study. You would play the violin even in the night. I feel so bad that I didn't witness all this. How I wish I was there to listen to you. From your videos, you were good considering that you have only been playing the violin for two years or so. Have I told you that when you left us your friends from Casa San Miguel also played the Canon D for you? Perhaps Sir Coke knew that that was your favourite too or maybe Mama told them. It was so heartbreaking watching and listening to them play that for you. They really shouldn't be doing that because you should really be playing with them. Everytime I think about that day when I first met your friends from the Casa, I feel really sad. I missed a lot of opportunities to watch you perform because I am too far away. Thank God for videos, at least I could watch you play over and over again.
So here's my friend's version of your favourite piece. I hope you'll like it.
Your memories live on through your love for music. I will forever remember you whenever I hear any of your favourite violin pieces and songs! I love you so much baby and missing you more each day.
On your first angel birthday, I asked our family and friends 10 things to do to remember you and I was overwhelmed by their response. One of my friends from university, Blossom is also an artist like you. In fact she painted the blue candle for you, remember? But really she is a musician. I remember in university when she joined the beauty contest at school,she played the piano for her talent portion. And then she stated posting videos of her playing on facebook. And so I thought I'd ask her to play "Lighters" and she granted my request much to my happiness. I know you will like it, so here's the video:
I told Papa to listen to this but he said no. I understand why. I know he's not ready to hear or see anything that will remind him of that painful memory of losing you. I know in time, it will be easier for him. Mama on the other hand, doesn't have a good internet connection. But when I spoke to Ading Linus this afternoon, I made him listen to it and he was humming with it. Speaking of Ading Linus, I thought he has lost weight but he said no. He told me he is getting taller. Ha, time flies really fast.
I miss you Balong. Meow is sat beside me. He has been my comfort (and your Daddy of course) since I became unwell. We have been sleeping with Meow for a few days now. How I wish it was you. I love you so much baby.
For some reason today when I got home I went on youtube looking for Bruno Mars's new song (if there was any), but I couldn't find anything. Instead, I found this song in his old album, "Talking to the Moon". There isn't even an official video, just covers mostly and videos made by amateur directors maybe. But I still like the song and the lyrics of course.
Sometimes I find myself talking to the stars, not the moon but perhaps it's the same, right? Most of the time I end up talking to you though because I know you're just out there. And yes, I have been writing to you for the last 200 plus days. People probably think that I am crazy for doing this, but hey this is my way of communicating to an angel. Yes I can easily talk to you in silence, meaning in my thoughts but I want to be able to remember what I have told you even when I am very old. For this reason, I try really hard to write to you everyday. You see, I want to go back to everything that I have written in here and be able to reflect on what I went through when you left and most importantly, how I got through it. Hence, my letters to Keith Ashley. :)
Going back to Bruno Mars though. I am not sure if he has any new song out. Honestly, since you left, I have only been listening to your favourite songs, so I don't really have any idea what new songs are out there now. I just wanted to update you because I know that you probably don't listen or sing to earthly songs anymore because angels only sing "Songs of Praise", right? I kind of thought about this because I am reading a book at the moment. I will tell you all about it as soon as I finish reading it. Basically it's about a man who went to heaven for 90 minutes then came back to earth. And he said that he heard angels singing "songs of praise" so I thought maybe it's true. This is the reason why I am looking for Bruno's new songs so I can share it with you, but I didn't find any. But don't worry, as soon as I find one I will let you know.
So, here's Bruno singing Talking to the Moon:
Did you notice anything familiar to you? I bet you did - the moon and the stars, right? Ha, I wish you were here so you could have drawn more of the stars, the sun and the moon. But never mind because I know that you're no longer too far away from the things that you loved the most.
I am so touched by the thoughtfulness of my friends from all over the world, who joined me and our family in celebrating your first angel birthday. Their act of kindness and their warm messages left me lost for words. I really do appreciate what they have done for you:
For Keith Ashley "happy bday in heaven"... Give him eternal rest, Oh Lord, and may your light shine upon him forever.
- from my friend Marilou, Arizona
A blue candle that will burn all day, wearing a blue top, the effort not to cuss (even mentally!) and the thought of not giving up on a day when things weren't really being fantastic...the last two were the hardest, but because of a friend and her lovely boy who is in a better place than we are, I'd say just the mere thought of remembering not to cuss wiped the frown away.
- from my friend Gemma, London
Prayers and lighted candle for keith's 1st angel birthday:)
- from Ate Lala, Manila
Didn't realise how nice the words are, Ate. Thank you and Keith for sharing. =)
Today may not the best of days, but I am greatly inspired to turn things around by a little boy who went to heaven a year ago. Thank you AteCristine, and thank you Keith. "Kaya ko po, ako pa."
- from Ate Leng, London
Give him eternal rest, O Lord, and may your Light shine upon him forever. Receive his soul and present him to God the Most High.
- from Auntie Mila, Zambales
And to Keith Ashley, a very talented young boy who went to heaven a year ago. "Kaya ko, Ako Pa" always inspire me.
- from my friend Ate Jo of London
Happy Happy Birthday Keith!
You are greatly missed :) - from Tita Grace, Laos
K lighter day! X
- from my friend Blossom, Birminghan
Our Keith Lighter Day; Blue And white Balloons, white candle, prayers, and Sparkles!!! All sent up in the air, through the gates of heavens TO Keith...
May the light of God sorround you. May the love of God enfold you. May the presence of God watch over you. And may the power of God raise you & be with Him now & 4ever. Keith, this I pray 4u...in Jesus' name...Amen.
Sarah Dodd, Manchester
Hey honey. It's a Keith Lighter day in Lowton, downloaded Lighters for Keith this morning and got ready for work listening to it. I'll play it on and off all day. Hugs to you my sweet friend xxxx
Some of my friends sent me personal messages to say that they were thinking of me. Some sent their greetings through your facebook page, In Loving Memory page and my facebook page. One of my friends went to work with white shirt and blue socks. Most of them liked my post on facebook. Little gestures maybe but they really mean so much to me. It's overwhelming that most of these people really have not met you, but they care enough to do something for you on your special day. I will forever be grateful.
Meanwhile, Meowmeow and I celebrated your birthday the best we could. When I woke up that morning, I was met by a spider in our bathroom. My first instinct was to kill it, but I knew it was your birthday so I ran the shower and sent it in the drain instead. Then when I was taking the clothes out from the washing machine, one of the clothes fell on the floor and I almost cursed. It takes so much self-control to ditch those bad habits. I went for a run afterwards and listened to your song first and then played it on and off the entire day.
After lunch, I took Meow to a little cafe around the corner for some waffle and ice cream, your birthday treat. It was a K lighter day so I took a picture of the sky. Afterwards, we went to St. Paul's cathedral to light a candle and said a little prayer for you and Paolo. I was wearing my white dress and my blue ballerinas. Do I have to mention that I thought about you all day?
Back at home they celebrated your birthday just like the old times. All your friends were there. Ading Linus said it was a K Lighter day because Jesus knew it was your birthday. So please thank Him for me. And yes, what's up with the grasshoppper? I think I have told you about this yesterday. But it's weird that we never really had any grasshopper in the house until you left.
We surely missed you on your birthday. I'm sure you had a nice one up there. Please remember that we love you so much and a lot of people care about you. Thank you for the inspiration.
Tito JL posted the video of the song on your facebook wall and as soon as I read the first two lines of the song, I knew I will love it. Although it was written by someone for his mother after she passed away, the message is just the same and from now on this is my other song for you.
" Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly"
Most of the time I still can't believe that you're gone. It's almost 6 months now and I am missing you more than ever before. But I know you're always with me and I have proven this so many times- during those times when I am under pressure, almost always want to give up and those times when I think I can't do anything because I am weak. I know you are there to remind me that I can do those things because you know I can. You may not be here physically, but I can honestly feel your presence. When I talk to you, you answer back in your own little strange, silent ways. And through your life's motto, I am now able to do things that I thought I could never do. Because of you, I am stronger and because of you I know I can do anything.
"You were always there waiting
And I'll come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see"
I am dreading going home next year because I don't know how it's gonna be like, knowing that there will no longer be three of you waiting for me inside the van when I arrive at the airport. It'll just gonna be your Adings. I remember one time when you took me to the airport after my vacation. I was not gonna cry but I saw you leaning on the open car window, looking at me while I was in the queue to get in and I saw your sad face so I started crying. I can still clearly remember that moment. I know it's gonna be hard going home now, but I am sure you will still be there. I know you will. And I know you will make things better for me and our family.
" And I know, you're a part me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me"
This is so true. Remember when I told you about your song only playing when I feel like giving up? This happens a lot when I am running. But there are also times when my mind is filled with negative thoughts and all I have to do is sing your song "Lighters", then I will feel better. It's almost like magic. There are times when your songs will just play randomly in random places. Maybe it's your way of reminding me that you're always with me. But whatever it is, be it a coincidence or not, one thing is for sure, your songs always comfort me.
"I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true"
Well, you probably know that I carry Meow-meowwith me whenever I go to special events and places. Meow was a very special part of your life and I want it to be a special part of me too.
"And what you did you did with feeling
And you always found the meaning
And you always will"
I am sure you found meaning in everything that you have done in that short span of 11 years. As Inang and Mama would always say, you knew about a lot of things. And now that you're gone, we are the ones looking for meanings in everything that you have said and done before you were taken away.
" I'm glad He set you free from sorrow"
Sometimes it comforts me to think that perhaps God took you away to spare you from all that is evil in this world. There will no longer be suffering for you, only peace and happiness.
