Back to school

Your friends went to school officially today. Your Adings won't go back until next Monday. I feel really sad because you would have been on your 7th grade and I would have loved to hear your stories about your first day at junior high. I'm sure you would have been excited.

All I have now is your photo before you left for school with your Adings and Ate Bianca. Perhaps I would just need to look at it if I am missing my angel as a student.

I am missing you so much. Please come back even for a day. I just want to hug you tight, smell your kili-kili and pinch your cheeks! I love you so much Keith pogi.

Mommy Tintin

Ading is 10

Today is Ading Lye's 10th birthday. I called to greet him on my way to work. He said he didn't want a cake, so I think they only had a simple celebration at home with some of our neighbours. Mama said that Ading wants to do a lot of thing but he can't because he always thinks about you. Everything that he wants to do reminds him of you. I think things are still difficult for Ading. In time I'm sure he will be able to continue what you both have started.

Anyway, here's Ading's handa for his birthday:

I'm sure your Adings miss you so much and you miss them too. This is Ading's second birthday without you. We can only wish you were here.

You are deeply missed. We love you very very much.

Mommy Tintin

Your teacher and the girl on the road

Hi anak, I was meant to write to you yesterday but I didn't get the chance. Something happened that upset me. But don't worry anak because it hasn't got anything to do with me. It's just yesterday, I saw this girl in the middle of the road on her own, crying. She may have been 2 or three years old. Luckily the truck stopped. I heard the loud horn from the truck and when I saw the girl, I wondered where the mother was. I realized that she was actually a few metres away from the child, pushing her bike. The mother was probably reminded by the loud horn that her daughter was left behind so she went to pick up the girl. But I saw that she was angry from how she lifted the girl. Then she dropped her on her bike, pushed it and let it go in the middle of the road. I attempted to help the girl but the mother beat me to it. I was so upset that I had to cool down and drop my clothes at the laundrette first and then went back to find them, but unfortunately they were gone. I was so shocked I didn't know if I had the right to tell the mother off. But I was so angry that these people are even given the chance to have children. Life is really so unfair. While I would do anything and everything to have you back so I can love you and take care of you more than I used to. I just don't understand. It's hard to understand. This is what I have been complaining about. There are worse people out there. Why us and not them? But perhaps thats really life. I know the mother may have been going through something at that moment, but it was not a reason for her to treat her daughter like that. No child should be treated that way.

Anyway, Mama told me that your former teacher has passed away. I know that she was not your favourite teacher because of what she did to your friends, especially your bestfriend but you still respected her as your teacher and someone older than you. I am sure you will see her in heaven soon.

Anak, I miss you so so much. How I wish I could have you back. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Difficult times

Birthdays, Angelversaries, Weddings and Graduations.......probably the most difficult times in our lives as grieving mothers. 

So your friends finally graduated from grade school yesterday. And while their parents were very excited and happy, Mama and I were grieving. Obviously, we are really sad because you would have also graduated with them. Only grieving mothers will really understand how we feel. You know what made things worse? They probably didn't even paid tribute to you. What's two-minute silence to remember you or even just to mention you? Perhaps it's not necessary. Maybe I was just expecting too much. But then again, I'm sure every mother who has lost a child will expect and feel the same way.

I'm sure you were watching your friends from heaven and that you were very proud of them. It's just a shame that you were not there to celebrate with them.\\

How I wish you were here. You would have been really happy. I can only imagine you smiling and laughing softly. You are very handsome in your toga as usual.

As much as I would have loved to see you graduate from grade school, God had other plans. It doesn't matter though because whether you finished grade school or not, you have achieved more than most of the kids out there. And for that, we will be forever proud of you.

I miss you so much anak. Please know that you are always in my heart and in my mind. I may not write to you everyday anymore, but God knows how much I think of you. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy Tintin

This time last year

This time last year, we were coming back to England. I was never been that emotional leaving home, apart from that scene at the airport when you were about four years old. You took me to the airport with the family and while I was going inside, I looked back and saw you leaning on the opened window of the car looking at me. 

This must have been the most difficult goodbye to our family because I knew that from that moment, we had to face our new normal which is - life without you. People asked me not to cry because apparently it wasn't good as I was leaving. But how could I help myself from crying? That wasn't the normal scene. This time, I didn't want anybody to take me to the airport but Inang insisted that she should go, so she came with some of Daddy's family. 

I didn't know how things would be after I left. I was hoping that somehow things would be better. Until now, that's what I am hoping and praying for. A lot of times in the last few months, I almost almost have lost hope. But recently, I think I may have found my way back to God. Not that I really lost it, but I know that I was already at that corner. I don't know how long should I have to wait to realize that God actually has better plans that's why He has taken you. I am very anxious to know as you probably have noticed. I just want things to go back the way they were, when Papa and I were growing up. No dramas basically. I just want a peace of mind. And if you can please ask Papa Jesus to guide us and never leave us. I'm sure He never will, but please just remind Him.

Times are hard but I am not losing hope. Thank you for always being there anak. You may not be here physically, but I know you're always with us.

My love for you will never end. I think about you all the time. You are greatly missed.

Mommy Tintin

Our first day without you

Our first day without you also happened to be your 9th day in heaven. It was not that bad at all yet because after we sent you off, people remained in the house until your 9th day. I was going to say celebrate, but it was not like that. It's our tradition to pray and prepare some food on 9th day. Until now, I still don't know the exact reason why we do such thing. I never really asked Inang.

As usual, people came to join us. There were a lot of people which was good. Your friends and teachers came at lunch and some of them came back for dinner too. There were also children from different schools.

People were talking about your send-off. Some of them said that they haven't seen that many people in a long time. People were amazed on how talented you were. They didn't realize that you were that active in school and out until you left. They were actually surprised that you were joining competitions in other places.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that we gave away CDs of your favourite songs. And on your 9th day, we played your songs over and over again. We sang along and some kids danced as well.

I must say at this point we didn't feel that alone as yet because there were people in the house most of the time. Perhaps those who are still close to us didn't want to leave us. It is very good to know that  a lot of people wanted to help our family during our time of need. Most of them volunteered. We didn't even have to ask them to help. They were there as soon as they found out what happened to you. Our family is very blessed to have those people in our lives.

I am missing you so much anak. Please visit me again soon. Love you, okay?


Mommy Tintin

The Final Goodbye

05 February 2012 - We woke up very early after only a few hours sleep the night before because your "send off" was at midday. Inang was at your bedside already crying, asking you to forgive her for scolding you at times. She said it was because she loved you that's why she didn't want you to do naughty things. She kept saying that she would miss pressing your chunky legs. It was so heartbreaking seeing her cry. I'm sure it was an awful feeling to bury your grandchild. One by one, we went to tell you our last words. I was cuddling Meowmeow because that's the only I could think of getting closer to you. I couldn't say anything. I just wished you'd never left. 

The first few hours in the morning seemed long. Still, a lot of people came to see you until it was time to get ready because the people have arrived to pick you up. Inang and the rest of the oldies wanted you to have a band, but Papa, Mama and I disagreed because we knew that you wouldn't have liked that. You hated loud noise. So we decided to play your favourite song "Lighters" instead. Of course we edited it so as not to play the swear words. Instantly, the song became so famous that everyone, from children to adults were singing along as we walked you to church. You were in a horse-drawn carriage which was beautiful. We wanted to give you the best as we would have if you were only given another chance to spend more time with us. Your friends from the Knights of the Altar escorted you. All of your family and friends wore white. The number of people who turned up at your "send off" was overwhelming. I never thought that you were that known to people. There were of course a lot of children. I was so proud of you that you made such an impact on people.

When we arrived at the church, Ate Glory was playing the violin. There were already people at the church. Tito Roman coordinated everything and I was so happy with how they managed to arrange such a beautiful service. What they did was what they call a " Christian burial", just like what the famous President Aquino had. It was very solemn. 

Ate Glory played the violin for a few minutes before the mass started. And then there was a small program where a few people, (including me) gave their eulogy. I am not entirely sure of the order, but I think your friend F gave his eulogy first, followed by Sir J and a representative from your student council. Tito Roman did the first reading which was very heart-warming and comforting. I have totally forgotten what was it all about, but it was kind of telling us that God has taken you because someone like you who is pure shouldn't be stained or something like that. And then I gave them my eulogy. I tried not to cry but I was already crying even before I got in front. I was never a good speaker, but for some reason when I was standing in front of so many people (the church was full), telling them all about you, I was very confident and eloquent- for once. I could almost hear you telling me, "Kaya mo po yan, Ikaw pa". It was so overwhelming seeing people cry when I cried, and laugh when I laughed. I was standing there as the proudest Mommy, for having the best child anyone could ever hoped for. 

Your friends, and even Sister E then sung "Lighters" for you. At times we almost couldn't understand what they were singing because they were obviously crying. The choir also sang along with them, even the crowd. And while they were singing, your photos were being projected in front.

After the service was the offering of flowers. People queued to offer flowers for you and perhaps also to see you for the last time. We were all sat in front and as people passed by they expressed their sorrow and offered their condolences to each of us. Still, Ate Glory played the violin and then the choir sung a few songs until everyone has offered their flowers.

And then it was time to walked you to your eternal resting place. It was and still is the most painful walk I have taken in my life. Your song was playing all along and the more I listened to the song, the closer I felt of losing you forever. There was a part of the song that really indicates that we were getting closer to your resting place. I think it is the chorus before "Royce Da 5'9". Even Ading Cxyrelle said that actually. It is the beat of the drum (if ever there is) I think.

When we got to your resting place, everyone started crying again, Inang and Mama being the loudest. Inang wanted to touch you for the last time, but they didn't allow her. Apart from the day I found out that you were gone, this was the most painful of all. I knew from that moment that I would never see you again. There, we have lost our beautiful Keith forever.

I can't believe that it has now been a year since we bid farewell to you anak. Time has flown so fast. But this doesn't mean that we will forget you, for we never will. You will always be in our hearts and we will be thinking about you everyday of our lives. We love you so very much as we have loved you all your life. Nothing will ever ever change, only that you are no longer here.

Mommy Tintin

Your Last Night

04 February 2012- I was getting more and more emotional because I knew that we only had less than hour to be with you. When we have taken you to your resting place, that was it. We would never see you again. And the many people who came to join us for at least 7 days would soon disappear so the sadness that we would feel would be twice as much.

I stayed close by you the whole night. Apart from being embarrassed by the amount of people outside, I wanted to stay with you as much as I could because that was  our last night with you.

Your friends came earlier and left quite early too, but Aga stayed until about 2am. In fact he didn't want to go home, but we asked him to because his Dad was with him. 

Earlier that evening, there was also a mass. I was worried at first because I thought the amount of people present on your last night was not that much. But Inang and other people told me that that was already a lot of people. Maybe my expectations were just high that's why what was a lot for them, was not enough for me. But to be honest, inside our house, our backyard and outside (in the street) were full.

I don't think any of us actually slept that night. Even if we did, maybe only for an hour or two. 

We played your songs and your photos over and over again. It was getting more and more difficult and everyone was feeling it. The night went by quite fast. I didn't want it to end. I wanted you to stay a it longer, even if you were sleeping very peacefully. People were saying that you looked really happy because you looked like you were smiling. People were also saying that you were really handsome and most if not all of them, expressed their regrets of not meeting you personally and for going home to Jesus too early.  They said that you could have done more in life with your talents, your good looks and your good character. Everyone said you were "sayang".

When the last group of people left, it was Sunday at 6am and then we had to say good to you.

I miss you so much anak ko. Please remember that you're always in my mind. I love you.


Mommy Tintin

Two days before your send off

03 February 2012 -  A lot of people still came to see you. There was one thing that really touched my heart. Kids from different schools came to see you too. But there was this particular group of kids that really stood out for me. I saw their school's name on the record of people who have donated money and apparently this group of kids contributed their own money in order to give it to you. That was so sweet of them. Some kids stayed by your side for a long time, looking at you and your paintings. They came and went, a lot of kids. It was really overwhelming.

Some people suggested that we should change your shirt into a barong tagalog or something. But Mama said to leave you alone because she knew that you have chosen that shirt over the barong anyway. Besides you really didn't want to disturbed. You didn't like it when people try to make you change your clothes or anything like that. You wanted things to be simple. So we left you in your favourite white button down shirt.

If I am not mistaken, this was also the day that Inang showed me your hospital bill and some of the tests that you had. Inang wanted to know if you had the right tests and treatment. I was not ready to look at it properly so I just had a quick glance at the paper. You had a few tests, huh! I'm sure they did everything they could. There was no doubt about that.

It was two days before your sent off. It was so hard.......

*****

Last night I dreamt about you. YOu were playing with Papa and Ading Linus. You were wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt and your shorts. It felt so real. I was also able to speak to you and touch you briefly. But when I woke up, I couldn't remember the whole dream. But I know I saw you.

Missing you so much already. I love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

The music played

02 February 2012 - It was this day when your friends from Casa came to play the violin for you. I was glad to have met some of the kids, the teachers and of course Sir C. When they started playing, I couldn't help myself from crying because I felt so sad. I have never loved classical music as much until you learned how to play the violin. The sound of the violin is the most beautiful musical sound that I have ever heard. It is so emotional. While they were playing I imagined you. I felt so bad that I didn't see you play the violin at all. They played a few pieces, but what I enjoyed the most was your favourite piece, Canon. 

We were teasing Ading Linus. We asked him to bring out his violin and play with the group but he was embarrassed. I'm sure you were happy to see your friends play some music for you.

Because the group came quite early, not a lot of people watched them. It would have been nice if your friends from school heard them play. But never mind, what was important was that we were there and it was so beautiful to watch them. There was this kid that really impressed me. The way he was holding the violin was something. I thought that one day he would be a famous violinist. I found out later on that he was already famous.

The music they played were quite emotional. You couldn't listen to them and not cry. They were very good and while I was listening to them, I was glad that you went to that school to learn the violin.

I would have loved you to play the violin more, but your time was not enough. I knew you would have been very good. Nevertheless, you have made us proud for being the little musician that you were.

I love you so much anak and I miss you every single day.

Mommy Tintin

The Ecumenical Service

Some people were saying that you were really inspiring because you were able to unite three of the biggest churches in our town- Roman Catholic, The Philippine Independent Church and United Methodist Church. Every night there was a mass at home. Either that or rosary and prayers. 

The day I met your friends, the rosary was led by Sister and that evening there was a service by the Methodist church. The support of your friends was actually overwhelming. Everyone wanted to be a part of your last days with us. Every night there were a lot of people. And if there was a mass or service, everyone participated too, even the bystanders.

I know it's always comforting to hear Songs of Praise and the words of God. But during that time, I felt more like they were just trying to make us feel better. Do you know what I mean? Because at that time, I wasn't sure if God truly loved us because if He did, I believed that He wouldn't have taken you away. And as much as I was overwhelmed by the presence of your friends and those who knew you, I was so jealous because I knew I wouldn't have you for long.

The mass and the services were very solemn. Pastor's sermon was very touching and somehow it reassured us a little bit. I know Pastor has been a great help to Mama since you left. I know that you also loved listening to Pastor's sermons because you've always asked Mama to attend the service at their church.

I miss you so much now baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

The first time I met your friends

31 January 2012- Mama told me that since you left, your friends have been going to our house everyday, sometimes even twice a day. So after class they all came to the house. I was actually surprised because suddenly there were kids passing by me while I sat few feet away from your eternal bed. The first I noticed was a small, quite thin kid with sunglasses on his head. Then he was followed by a taller and a bit chunkier kid and they were quite noisy. Mama said, " here they are, they're Keith's friends". I had to think for a second. I was like, "how could Keith be friends with them? They are far more confident than Keith. He must be so out place." But Mama reassured me that they got along very well and they loved hanging out with you even if you really were that quiet. So, Mama introduced me to them. They were all polite, which I really loved. They had me when they said "po". The girls came from our front door. They were pushing each trying, trying to get to you first. They were really fun to watch. Seeing them happy and playful at the same made me miss you so much more. I wished you've never left.

I jokingly asked who among them was your girlfriend. I'm sure anak you were really embarrassed at that time. I know you really didn't want to be teased about having crushes and stuff like that. Anyway, one of them shyly said, "ako po", and everyone burst out laughing. Another girl said, " no you're not" and  told us that there were a lot of girls who had a crush on you. In fact, your friend said you left a lot of widows. And then they started talking to you as if you were there. They said that you were guwapo. One of them kissed you and claimed that finally she has kissed you. I was so happy seeing your friends like that. They were hugging your eternal bed because they wanted to hug you. Your little friend was even asking you to get up so you could swim together. You have good friends anak and I like them.

Then it was time to pray the rosary and they all wanted to sit next to me. In between praying the rosary, they were telling me that I was beautiful and that they already loved me. Some of them were holding my hand and kissing me. I wished at that time that I met them sooner, so I could have seen how you were like around them.

Your bestfriend Aga came later in the afternoon. He too was quiet, just like you. I could see the sadness in his eyes. I hugged him when I saw him and couldn't help but cry. I can't imagine losing a bestfriend. It must also have been difficult for him.

There were a lot of children at that time. Most of them talked about how mabait you were. The children who saw your paintings admire your talent. Some of said wanted to be like Kuya Keith. "Ang galing, galing ni Kuya Keith" was all you could here. Some of them were just silently staring at your paintings. Others kept asking if you really painted those. They were obviously in awe. I was a very proud Mommy.

I am really glad to get to know your friends and I am hoping to stay in touch with them even if you're no longer here.

I love you so much anak. Missing you.

Mommy Tintin

Reality Sucks

30 January 2012 - We met Papa at the airport because we arrived on the same day, just a couple of hours apart. When I saw him, I gave him a very tight hug. My tears were falling, but Papa remained strong. He just said, " It already happened. We can't do anything anymore. We just have to accept it." I admired Papa for being so strong, but I was also worried that he probably was just holding back. I know he had to be strong for Mama and your Adings, but I also believed that it was okay for him to cry. That arrival was very unusual as it was only Tito JL who came to pick us up from our family. It was far from the usual where you and your Adings and Inang and Mama would be waiting inside the car.

The journey always seemed long when you're eager to go home. Inside the car, we talked about you but there were no tears. We only talked about happy memories, but Tito JL was very quiet. I knew he was in a lot of pain because he was there when everything happened.

We decided to get off at Mama E's house because there were a lot of people in the street in front of our house, so we took the back entrance. Auntie V was the first one to greet us. As soon as I saw her, I cried. She hugged me and told me to be strong.I wanted Papa and I to be together when we entered the house. We were holding hands and the squeeze got tighter and tighter as we got closer to you. People were staring at us. I have imagined the whole thing.

That was the most painful moment ever. It was as if my heart was being pierced. I couldn't believe that the next time I saw you, you would be sleeping so peacefully. As soon as Mama saw us, she went to Papa and started screaming again. I could feel the pain in her cry. It was so painful that I still cry whenever I think of that moment. And then she came to me crying and said , "our son is gone, our son is gone". We hugged for few minutes and I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, that we all had to be strong. Inang was already crying when I saw her. I couldn't really think of anything to tell her. Who really would want to see a grandchild go before you? Your grandchildren should be taking you to resting place and not the other way around. They were into pieces. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to comfort them. And then Tatang came, so did your Adings. Tatang wasn't crying but I could feel  his pain. It was beyond explanation. I cried more when your Adings came to me. I felt so helpless. Their eyes said everything that I needed to know.

When everyone calmed down, Papa and I stayed beside you. He was telling you about the stuff that he brought for you and that he will have to give it to Ading Lye. I'm sure you wouldn't have said no, knowing you. I also bought you your favourite perfume.

You had so many visitors that night anak ko and a lot of beautiful stories about you emerged. It was so overwhelming that even those people we didn't know came to see you and each had a story to tell. Most of them, they knew you because their grandchildren talked about you when you were still with us. 

Those and more stories to come. I am missing you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

January 28: Then and Now

January 28, 2012 - Our Journey Home

All I wanted that day was to go home so I could see you. While I was packing, I was already imagining what it was like to go home and see you in your eternal bed, instead of you coming to me and giving me a big hug. I couldn't imagine it, it was the most difficult thing. 

Daddy and I left for the airport quite early. Our flight was supposedly at 1120am. I fell asleep on the plane even before it took off. When I woke up three hours later, we were still on the ground. Daddy told me that there was a problem, then they made an announcement that we won't be able to fly anymore because they didn't manage to sort out the gas leak so we had to get off the plane. This news didn't actually help, but maybe there was a reason for it too. But why on the day that I needed so badly to go home? Kind of weird, right? So, Daddy and I had to find a new flight. We had to queue for at least three hours before we could speak to anyone. During that time, I met three different group of people- all trying to go home because they too lost a loved one. One of them was crying and was insistent that she should be given the priority because she had to go home. I was thinking, so am I. I have just lost my child and I need to go home soon too. When it was our turn to be served at the counter, they told us that there were no more flights available on the same day. But I told them that I've just lost you and that I needed to go home as soon as possible. The ladies were very helpful. I knew they tried their best to get us to the earliest flight possible, but there was none until the following day. Daddy and I had to stay at the hotel for a night. Maybe it was a good thing because that meant that we would be arriving in the Manila almost at the same time as Papa.......

I later on heard different stories about this fateful day. All of them were equally heartbreaking. Inang apparently didn't know that you were gone, so she planned to go to the hospital to bring you food on her own. While she was waiting for a bus, Tito Gil phoned Mama Es to tell her that we have lost you. No one knew about it as yet. Apparently Inang couldn't get hold of Mama but she never thought that something bad may have happened to you. So Mama Es ran to our house screaming that you were gone. Tatang was alone in the house. It must be so difficult for them because they had to hear it from Tito Gil. And so Tatang went to pick up Inang from the highway. Inang was wondering why Tatang was taking her home. It took a lot of courage for Tatang to tell her that you've left us forever. Of course, Inang broke down. I don't know what else happened to Inang after that. Meanwhile, Daddy Henry was campaigning for someone when he received Mama Es's text and apparently he broke down in tears and had to be sent home. Mama Es said later on that he has never seen Daddy Henry cry so much, even when they lost Tito Ryan.

It was also your friend A's birthday. You were meant to be there. Mama told me that A's grandmother went to the market to buy food for A's birthday and she heard from people over there that you were gone. So A's grandmother went home instead and broke the sad news to your friends. As you would expect, they were in shock. Apparently whenever their phone rang, they hoped that it was you to tell them that you were going to A's party. But obviously not. After they had something to eat, they went to our house to wait for you. Imagine what your young friends had to go through that day. 

Not to mention your Adings. This is one thing that we never really talked about. My heart broke for them the moment I found out what happened. I didn't know how they would take the bad news. Who would tell them? How would anyone tell them? I was so worried about them. I know how much your Adings loved you and to suddenly not have you in their lives was beyond my imagination. My heart still breaks whenever I think about that. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to hug them very tight. But I wasn't there.

January 28,2013 - One Year On

Believe me, as I am writing this I feel like I am still living in that moment of disbelief. The pain remains as intense as it was a year ago. 

But you know exactly how to make this day easier for all of us. You actually already made today a K Lighter Day even before any of us did. You made us all proud once again. Just in time for your first angelversary, Casa featured five of your paintings at their exhibit in Harbor Point, Subic. Anak, you have no idea how it made us all proud. That was a dream come true. And thank you for making this day a K Lighter day!

As you probably know already, I phoned home a lot of times today. I wanted to be with our family even if I am miles away. It's always a pleasure to know that a lot of people joined our family in celebrating your life on earth. I'm sure a lot of stories about you were heard again. It's actually good because it's also an opportunity for us to tell them about your paintings.

Your friends and your teachers were there too. Too bad I was not able to speak to them....

Today is also another K Lighter Day. A few of my friends participated again just like last year whwen we celebrated your first angel birthday. I will write about it separately.

You know anak, we miss you so much. You will always be in our thoughts. You will never be forgotten. We love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

The phone call that shook my world

27 Jabuary 2012- When I phoned Mama that morning, she told me that they finally have decided to give you blood. Apparently, they were looking for blood donors so they could directly transfuse you but everyone who volunteered were either tired, under nourished or not your blood type. Even Tito JL who, the last time he had his blood type checked was the same as yours, suddenly had a different blood type. Until now I still understand how did that happen. Obviously there was a mistake somewhere. And because they couldn't find a suitable blood donor, they had no choice than to buy blood from Olongapo which is at least an hour and a half away from Iba. It was Tatang and Tito Joseph who went to buy blood. For some reason Mama found out later that day that there was actually a blood available for the patient next door. No one though about it until few hours later. So they borrowed the blood for the meantime. I was relieved to know that at least something was happening. I couldn't go out the house until I was reassured that you were fine. Mama told me that you were more pinkish that you were before they gave you blood and that you were feeling better.

That day Inang and your Adings also visited. I briefly spoke to Inang and she was also pleased that you felt better. Your Adings were playing outside because apparently you didn't like them being noisy inside your room. Of course they missed you anak that's why they were all over you. Perhaps you were in pain at that time because you really didn't want to be touched although you didn't mind the nurses poking needles on you.

That afternoon, I met up with Daddy and a friend and we had dinner at our favourite Viatnamese restaurant. On our way home, I called Mama. That time I felt something different in her voice. For some reason, I could feel weakness in her voice and then she broke down. She said she was tired seeing you like that. Although she said she never really saw you suffer because you didn't show it to her and that you didn't complain about anything, she could feel that you were suffering. All the time that you were sick, I never heard Mama speak to me like that. And the fact that she was crying made me think that something horrible has happened. 

Anyway, when we got home Papa called me to say that he wanted to go home to see you. I reassured him that everything will be fine now that you have been transfused with blood. But he was worried that something bad would happen to you. I somehow thought about that too, but I was trying to be positive. After all, you were receiving the right treatment.

Before I went to bed, maybe around 1030 at night I called Mama again. I asked her if you have been okay with the blood and if you were short of breath. She said you had oxygen but you were more comfortable without it. She also said that you were no longer passing blood in your stool, but the doctors prescribed some laxatives apparently to help get rid of any old blood. I found that weird but I was also pre-occupied with other things so I really didn't think about it that much.

Around 1130 pm (0730 in the Philippines) I was still trying to get some sleep but for some reason, I was having palpitations. I felt something weird, so I phoned Mama. For the first time, she didn't answer her phone right away. I then called Tito JL, but he only didn't pick up, and so did Tito Junjun. I also tried calling my friend's mobile but he too didn't answer. I started to panic. My instinct was telling me that there was something wrong, so I called the hospital. It took them sometime to answer the phone. I was already in a real state of panic when the nurse picked up the phone. She couldn't tell me exactly what was going on, she had to call the other nurse. I overheard her  saying, " Keith's Mommy from London is on the phone, what should I tell her?". The moment I heard that I started crying. My mind started visualizing things. And when the nurse told me that they brought you upstairs, I knew you were in ITU. I just knew it. Then Tito JL finally took the phone. At this point I was already shaking. I remember asking Tito JL if you were on the ventilator, or if they were doing CPR on you, or if you were being defibrillated - I just wanted to know what they were doing with you. But Tito JL couldn't tell me. He said he didn't see what was going on. So I told him I'd call again, but I was in such a state that I wanted to pack my things and go home. I was crying as if I have already lost you. Daddy was trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. But I knew in my heart something bad was happening to you.

And then I called again and this time I spoke to Tito Junjun.  He couldn't speak to me properly because maybe he was also in shock. Tito JL was apparently with you. But what really broke my heart was hearing Mama screaming in the back ground. She was calling out to God to save you. She was like, "yung anak ko, yung anak ko, tulungan niyo yung anak ko" (my son, my son, help my son). For Mama to be crying and screaming like that, it could only mean one thing. Tito Junjun had to put the phone down because he had to attend to Mama. I told him I would call back again but my world was starting to fall into pieces. I could feel my heart breaking in two. It was so painful listening to Mama like that. I felt so helpless. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I wanted to be there.

Few minutes later, my phone rang and it was my friend. Even before I picked up the phone I have expected the worst. I knew it was hard for him too but he had to do it. His first words were, " I'm so sorry Naneng, your son is gone. We did our best. He fought until the end.We even had worse cases than him, but why your son?". He also told me that you lost about a litre of blood. I was so calm speaking to him, I couldn't understand why. I told him he didn't have to say sorry and that it wasn't their fault. I was just thankful that they did their best to save you. I told him I had to go because I wanted to go home and he said sorry again. Few minutes later, Papa called. Papa was very calm. He just said, "Wala na si Keith Ading. Sayang na bata." And then we just talked about what time we were going home and stuff like that. 

While I was packing our stuff, Daddy Don was looking for flights. By that time, I have stopped crying. You know when you're in shock that you can't cry anymore? That was me. I was so numb. I was speaking to you out loud while I was packing. The reality set in. I have lost you forever and nothing could ever explain the pain I was feeling at that time. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment I knew I will never be the same again. I knew a big part of me has been taken away. And I knew that a missing piece will never be replaced. I knew that my life has changed forever.

I knew from that moment on, I will be missing you everyday of my life. from the, now and until forever I will love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Two days before the day

26 January 2012 - I was finally on a day off and I managed to call Mama as often as every hour to check on you. Mama said that you were okay but still having headaches and you still had the fever. Your platelet apparently has fallen, but it was not low enough for the doctors to worry. Mama told me that they had difficulty taking your bloods. She said they have been trying more than once. I could feel your pain anak while Mama was telling me all about this. I do take bloods on older people at work and I feel so sorry for them everytime I miss it because I know it's very painful. I could imagine you perhaps cringing or even crying when they were doing that to you. But Mama told me that you never moaned when they were taking your blood. You basically just didn't show any signs that you were in pain. You didn't even say a word. 

While I was talking to Mama that day, I could hear you from the background. You wanted to go to the toilet. Although you had a bedpan, you didn't want to use it. No matter how weak you may have been, you still walked to the toilet with all the IV fluids and stuff. I had to put the phone down a bit while Mama attended to you.

When I phoned again, I managed to speak to you briefly. I asked you how you were and you said, "okay lang po". I asked you if you were in any pain, you said just your headache. You denied any other pain. I couldn't help but cry listening to you. You were such a brave boy. How could you possibly took all the pain without a single complaint? Mama said you never showed them that you were in pain. The only thing that Mama noticed was that you clenched your fist at times. That probably was your way of showing your pain. But apart from that, nothing. You didn't even cry. Not even once. Not even when they were poking you with those horrible needles multiple times. This is the same reason why doctors loved you because whenever they gave you injections, you never fought them and you never cried.

I was relieved somehow because Mama told me that the doctors were apparently happy with your progress. See apart from my friend, you also had a paediatrician and one other doctor who looked after you so I was kind of confident that you would pull through. And although you looked pale, Mama said that your blood results were okay. She also said that you were on a bit of oxygen but you really were not short of breath.

All those times Mama was very calm. I never heard any panic in her voice whenever I spoke to her. I admire Mama for her strength. I know it was so difficult for her to see you sick, especially because you were the one who never got ill. That was the only one time you got sick and you needed to be in the hospital.

Things happened so fast anak. It was so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that all this has happened. How I wish it never did.

Please know that I love you very much. If only I can do anything to bring you back. I miss you so so much my brave boy.

Mommy Tintin

Your hospitalization

25 January 2012 - I was very eager to go back to London. This was my last shift of the week in Bristol and honestly I've had enough already and all I wanted was to go home to Daddy. That morning, Mama texted me and asked me if I could call them because they had something important to say. I had to steal some time from work to call back home. Apparently Inang was wondering why I hadn't call when they needed the "doctor" in the family. I just made an excuse that I was busy with work. I then spoke to Mama and she told me that you were still having fever and headache. Since I realized that you already had the fever on and off for a few days, I told them to take you to the hospital. I knew they probably weren't expecting me to say that because Mama sounded like she was surprised. Or maybe she was just calm unlike me, I get really nervous when things like this happen. And being in the medical profession, I kind of exaggerate things sometimes. So, I told Mama that they need to bring you to the hospital as soon as possible and there shouldn't be any excuses. At first, Mama told me that you refused because you strongly believed that it was nothing. That it was just a headache and a fever and that you should feel better soon. See, I'm sure you didn't want any of them to worry about you. Even when you probably knew you were not going to be with us that long, you still wanted to reassure them that you were okay. You really never thought about yourself first. You have always thought about other people.

At this point, I didn't think of Dengue because Mama told me that you had series of blood tests prior to your confinement and they were all normal. As far as I know you already had everything checked at this time. But it was so mysterious that no one knew what was wrong with you. While I was trying to study your symptoms, the only thing that I could think of was Meningitis. I called Mama again just to make sure that you didn't have the other classic symptom of meningitis which is photophobia, and she said you were alright with the lights on. I had to rule out meningitis. And because it was you, I couldn't think of anything else anymore. My critical thinking was overshadowed by worry.

When I called Mama at the hospital she said they have given you IV fluids and you were already on strong IV antibiotics. Although your CXR was apparently normal at that time, they treated you empirically for a chest infection. 

It was late when I got home in London, so it was morning time back home when I phoned. Mama said that they have taken bloods from you. At that time, the doctors haven't been around to see you yet. I instructed Mama to ask the doctors some questions about your condition. I wanted to make sure that we were not missing anything. But I found it really hard because I wasn't there and I didn't want to use my "just enough" knowledge on medical things to step on anyone's toes. I trusted your doctors, especially my friend because I knew that he would do everything for you- as friends would normally do for each other.

So I went to bed quite contented with the news about your health condition. I prayed to God that you would feel better soon.

The following day was another day.

My heart is breaking at the moment. It is so painful to recall those moments, but I know I have to face the truth in order to recover from this painful experience. I am missing you more and more each day. I will love you forever and ever.

Mommy Tintin