You Are My Lighters

I woke up this morning thinking about you anak. Have I told you that I recently started reading Rick Warren's Daily Devotional and some of Joyce Meyer's? I must admit that I haven't read the Bible for a while. But because I know that you read the Bible every night, I thought I would do the same from now on. Well, I will try anyway.

After I read my "Hearing From God Every Morning" devotion, your favourite song "Lighters" all of a sudden got stuck in my head and I sang it for a while. Then I realized that  you have actually been my little "Lighter" since you left us. You don't have to know why at the moment, but I will tell you eventually.

As you know, today was my first day back to work after a few weeks. I was fine, until some of my colleagues who knew what happened started asking how I was. I actually didn't want to cry anak because I know that you probably don't wanna see us cry anymore. But please do understand that we miss you so much. Our tears will probably never run dry because we will always remember you and we will always talk about you. And we will never get tired of telling people how wonderful you were. I know this will embarrass you, but hey, we're just telling the truth. So I hope you won't mind that much. :)

By the way,  when I looked up the sky tonight I saw lighters! I was so happy. I knew you were somewhere out there looking down on us. 

Anyway, I called your Mama early this morning because I heard that there was an earthquake in Zambales. She told me that the earthquake was not strong, but it was enough to wake them up. Everyone is fine. So please thank Father God for me for keeping them safe.

I have to end this letter here as it's late and mommy is quite tired. But before I go to bed, I want to just listen to your favourite song again.

Oh before I forget, your Mama wrote on facebook that Ading Linus thought about you. I know your Adings miss you and love you as much as we do.

Goodnight baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

30 Days in Heaven

Hi anak, today is your 30th day in heaven, and we miss you so very much. I had to set my alarm for 0330am so I could speak to your Mama via skype. While I was speaking to her, I heard some noise in the background. She told me that all your friends and your teachers were at home. They all had lunch there. She told me that your friend J was inside the house, looking at your photo. He was apparently crying. From what I can remember, you only became friends with J last year because he was a transferee from Manila, am I right? But anyway, I also chatted with him on facebook yesterday and he told me that Bruno Mars's "Count On Me" was also your favourite song, and that you used to sing it together. So, I bought it from iTunes so I can listen to it too. J also flew your kite while your other friends were having lunch.

This morning (Philippine Time), your Mama, Papa and your Adings went to church, that's why your Ading Linus was late for his class. Ading Kika was just fine I think. Then your Mama, Papa, Tito (Uncle) Roman and maybe some other people visited your house on earth. By the way, your Tito Roman said thank you for praying for him. Remember before you went home to Jesus, he asked you to help him find an item so he can be a regular teacher in a public school? Yes, he now has an item and it's all because you prayed for him and you helped him. Please continue to pray for us, especially your Adings, your Mama and Papa, Inang (grandma) and Tatang (grandpa). Tell Jesus to always keep them safe and healthy.

Do you want to hear a funny story? Apparently, Ading Kika saw Tatang crying while he was having lunch. Then Ading Kika told everyone playing "tong-its" about it. They were all laughing because Ading told them that Tatang is ugly when he cries. I can see you smiling right now. I know you and Tatang really didn't get on well when you were still with us, but I know in my heart that he loves you very much. He just loves teasing you and your Adings. He was crying because he misses you, kasi wala na siyang inaasar.

Going back to your 30 days in heaven, I just called your Mama now and I could still hear your friends from the background. They went back to our house after school, with their mothers this time. Your friends are very sweet. Actually, I was chatting with your friend C and Ading Linus a while ago, and they were playing games at the computer shop next to our house. C told me that they feel really sad. But only because they miss you. Some of your friends apparently asked permission from your Mama and Inang if they could play at our house every weekend, just like the old times when you were still here. Perhaps they can play with you in spirit and with Ading Linus.

I am just waiting for your Mama to go online again, because I know that they will be flying paper lanterns tonight. We know that all you wanna see now is a sky full of lighters (from your favourite song), but I am sure you are seeing loads of them where you are.

I will end my letter here because I need to get ready. I am going back to Bristol today as I will be working tomorrow. I'm sure people will be asking about you. I am not sure though if I am ready to say anything, because  what happened still really hurts. Please anak,  tell Father God to give us strength to carry on with life without you.

I may not be able to write to you for three days because I will not be bringing my computer with me. But I will try, okay? Nevertheless, I will be thinking of you constantly. I love you very much anak.

Mommy Tintin

P.S.

They flew the paper lanterns by the sea because they were too big. And guess what? Your best-friend Aga went to Boracay and bought you a shirt and a key chain. I think that's so sweet.

Kisses Anak!

Your Co-Angels

Since you left us forever, I have been looking for solace from different things, from different people. The pain remains unfathomable, but knowing that there are mothers and fathers out there who understand exactly how we feel somehow makes things easier. I have found a page on facebook (Grieving Mothers) where Angel moms gather together to express their love and emotions for their Angels like you. Then this morning, I was speaking to your Auntie Josie. She has also lost her only child. I am doing everything I can to ease the pain even just a little bit. And what comforts me sometimes is knowing that there were other Angels like you who were taken away too soon. You were all good children, talented and good-looking. I hope that one day soon, you will be able to meet them.

Tito Ryan (17) - Unfortunately, I don't have a photo of your Tito with me at the moment. But I will put it up here as soon as I find one. Tito Ryan was taken away from Mama Es and Daddy Henry when he was 17 years old. He was on his way home to Zambales from Baguio, when a stranger stabbed him on the chest. That day, October 3, 1996 is one of saddest days of my life. Your Tito Ryan was my favourite cousin. I am three years older than him I think. We went to school in Baguio together and we lived in the same building. Although we fought a lot as kids (he used to bite me a lot), when we grew up we became closer. He was good looking and talented as you. He was a good boy too.

James Paolo Senence (10)- Paolo was your Auntie Josie's only child. He became an angel more than a year ago. Auntie Josie told me before that you and Paolo went to pre-school at Pedro M. Arce. You probably know him. Pao is a distant relative. You probably didn't know that. Your Papa and I are cousins with Pao's dad. From what his mom told me, you and Pao were quite alike. You were both mabait. You were close to Jesus. And yes, you were taken away from us through the same way. When you see Pao, you can read the Bible and pray the rosary together. (Photo taken from Ate Jhosie's facebook page)

Jose Luis Dado (6) - No, I don't know Luijoe (his nickname) at all. I only came across him while I was searching for grieving mothers in the Philippines. His mom created a blog called "Touched by an Angel", inspired by him. I was looking for networks in the Philippines so your mama and inang have somewhere to go to whenever they feel the need to speak to people who suffered the same painful loss as us. Anyway, Luijoe was taken from his family in the year 2000, from a drowning accident. From what I have read so far, Luijoe was a happy child and he was loved by his family. He was the only boy (he had two older sisters). And guess what? He also loved music. Maybe if you see him in heaven, you can update him on current music trends, because he probably doesn't know who Bruno Mars is.(Photo taken from aboutmyrecovery.com.)

Maningning Miclat (28) - I found her through Luijoe's mom's website. She went home to Jesus in the year 2000, same time as Luijoe. Her story is quite sad, anak ko. She took her own life when she was 28. She was an acclaimed artist from the Philippines. I don't know if you knew about her, but I have been looking at her work, and your Daddy Don and I are very impressed. She was very talented, like you of course. You would really love to meet her. If you haven't met your Lolo Monet yet, I hope that you will meet Ate Maningning soon so you can paint together. 
(Photo taken from Maningning's Facebook Page)

Rico Yan (27) - Rico Yan was a famous actor in my younger years. I used to watch his telenovelas quite a lot. He became an Angel when he was 27. Just like you, Rico had dimples. I really don't know much about him apart from being an actor. But according to articles about him, he was a nice guy and that he put up a foundation that helped children to stay in school and value education.
(Photo taken from Rico Yan's Facebook page)





I know there are (a lot of) other Angels where you are, but when I am lonely and asking God why He chose you instead of some bad people out there, I think of these five Angels who were just as good, talented and good-looking as you. Somehow it reassures me that maybe, just maybe God indeed has a reason for taking you, beautiful Angels, away from us too soon.


I have to end this letter now anak so your Daddy can use the computer to study for his new job. As I've always told you whenever I spoke to you over the phone when you were still with us, I love you.


Mommy Tintin

First Day Out Without You

Before I came back to London, your Mama told me that we could actually visit CASA San Miguel, where you first learned how to play the violin, and where you would go for your art classes every Sunday. It so happened that on the day that we planned to go there, some of your friends had lunch at home. That was the day before your Daddy Don and I left. So we all got into your Daddy's van and off we went.

I was tearful when we arrived in CASA. I asked myself, "why did I only come here now that Keith Ashley is gone?". But then I realized that I have only come home once since you started school there. And that was last year. To be honest with you, CASA is one of the most beautiful places I have seen (in Zambales). Not that I have been to many, but I am really glad that you and your Adings (younger siblings) went there. Your Mama told me a lot of stories about your stay at the CASA- where you would normally hang out before your classes, where you would watch Ma'am Plet do her work and where you would play with your Adings and your CASA friends. I was trying to picture you in my head all that time. And then as I walked towards the cafe, I heard some violins playing. That brought tears to my eyes, only because I really didn't hear you play the violin LIVE, only on videos that your Mama would post on Facebook. I so wanted to watch you on your recitals, but I was so far away. But at least I still have the videos.

I also met some of your teachers, both in Violin and in Art. I don't know Keith, but somehow you're making a way for us to see more of the beautiful things and people that we have not seen or met before. It would have been the best if you were still with us. But I know this is your way of telling us that you're actually still with us, maybe not physically but in spirit (just like Jesus). 

You know that your Daddy Don is passionate about art and music, right? So when Teacher Zaniel told us that we could possibly meet one of the renowned artists from the Philippines, we didn't hesitate. Your Daddy Don was most excited because although he is knowledgeable about foreign artists, he actually doesn't know much about local artists. So it was our pleasure and honour to have met not only Teacher Zaniel, but also Mr. Elmer Borlongan.

Then we also met some of your violin teachers and classmates. Some of them came to play the violin with Sir Coke Bolipata at your wake actually. One of them really stood out for me. I later found out that it was Julian Duque, the Promil's Gifted Child and a former child actor. I was so honoured to have met him, and thanks to you anak. 

Then Ate Lucy took us on a guided tour. I finally saw the stage where you and your Ading Linus would have your recitals. How I wish I've watched you in person though.

I then took photos of the place and there was one area that caught my attention. I took a photo of it thinking that you would have loved to paint it as I know you loved bright colours. 

While at the CASA, I asked your Ading Linus if he would like to carry on playing the violin. He told me not anymore. But he would like to continue playing the piano with Ading Cxyrelle. I told him he could have his piano lessons at the CASA, but he said he would stick with Auntie Diana for now. I asked him why, but he said nothing. He may have another reason, but I left it at that. One day perhaps he'll tell me why. I would love him to continue playing the violin for you, but in time. 

After our trip to the CASA, we dropped by your new house on earth (because I know you have a better one in heaven). Your friends were happy to see you. They were waking you up to play. It broke my heart to be honest, but it was a joy to see how much they were missing you and how much they wanted you to play with them.

By the way, few days before we visited CASA, we went to SM Olongapo. As usual, Ading Cxyrelle bought a lot of stuff- one thing that you apparently didn't approve of. Your Mama told me that you would tell Kika off if she tries to buy more than what she needed. She wanted to buy loads of Barbie stuff, but when we told her Kuya Keith was getting angry at her, she returned some of them. She settled with a doll which she named Jasmine.

Then we went to Jollibee for merienda. It was your Adings' and your Mama's first fastfood treat without you.

I may have written a lot today, but I hope you didn't get that bored. I just wanted to share our experiences with you, as you will always be a part of them.

It's time to go out again now. The weather is kinda good. The sun is out and shining bright. Please remember that you will always be loved and remembered.

Mommy Tintin

Your Friends Miss You

At the moment I am chatting with your friend C on facebook. She wished that we have a time machine so we can bring you back. I thought today will break my morning-tears, but obviously not. See anak (child), your friends love you. C is saying that everyone in your class misses you, and they talk about you everyday.  Apparently, one of your best friends D said, "Namimiss ko na si Keith. Di ba kapag nasa school ang tahimik niya, pero kapag nasa computeran ang lakas lakas ng tawa"(Isn't it that Keith when he's at school, he's very quiet? But when he's in front of the computer he laughs very loud"). And then A said, "Oo nga, kakamiss si Keith" (Yes, Keith is really missed).

By the way anak, C dreamt about you twice already. In her first dream, you were a baby and that you were a girl. I can imagine your reaction right now. With a smirk on your face, you'll just say "uh". The second dream, she said that whenever they went to our house, you become alive. You would play with them, but you really don't know them. I smiled and told C that you might probably be reincarnated as a baby girl. Who knows it might be your future baby sister? Then C asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed. I told her, whenever I get pregnant.

I feel sad because I only got to know your friends now that you're gone. Although your Mama told me so much about them, it would have been great if I met them when you were still with us. But maybe, this is one reason why God has taken you from us. He has given us more of you. I know they will never be you, but at least they have also been a part of you. When I went home at your wake, a couple of your friends told me they loved me, even if they've just met me then. They were hugging me and kissing me. How I wish you saw those moments. 

I am glad that I spent time with some of your friends though. Although I wanted to have spent more time with them, I am happy that at least we got to tell stories about you even just for a little while. You have wonderful friends. At first I asked why you were friends with them. You were very quiet and they are really not. I thought you would have been out of place. But the more I spoke with them, I realized that you actually belong to that group. You are all happy and good kids, only with different personalities, as we all are. When I go home again, I'll make sure to hang out with them more often. By then, you would have graduated from grade school.

Talking to C made me feel a bit better anak. I know my heart will forever be broken. But knowing that your friends have not forgotten you somehow eases the pain, even just a little bit.

I must go now baby. Your daddy will be back from his run soon. We will go to his new work place to check it out. He will start on Wednesday.

Please know that I think about you everyday. I love you very much and I miss you more than ever before.

Mommy Tintin