End of April 2011

I chatted with Tito JL briefly this afternoon and he told me that he is missing you. He said he just wanted to cry for no reason at all. And that also started me crying. I realized that it's the end of April. I had my last memories with you around this time. On April 30 last year, we had visitors at home all day. But early in the morning I remember looking for you and I found you inside the house painting the Santorini dome that I asked you to paint. Mama later told me that you actually didn't like to paint it and that you were only forced because I asked you to do it. But anyway, since I've never seen you in action before, I took a photo of you. Little did I know that that would be the first and last time I would see you do what you do best.

You never finished this artwork, instead you apparently painted something over it.

Then after that, I took more photos of you. This time with me, Daddy, Inang and Ading Linus. You were really shy to have your photos taken, but you never said no. I think you just had a shower that morning and we were under the mango tree. It also happened that Daddy was there so I started taking pictures. It was a good idea at that time because Daddy has not gone home in 10 years and the three of us really don't have a family photo. But thinking about it now, maybe I shouldn't have done that and just waited until Daddy and I are really old. I don't know but sometimes I'd like to think that if I didn't initiate that picture taking thing, then you would perhaps still be with us now.

On the other hand, I'm glad I did because at least now I can always look back at them when I am missing you. Yes of course I will definitely cry, but at least these photos remind me of the good times we've had with you.

For every picture tells a story of that beautiful child we all once had the pleasure of meeting.

I love you so much. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

The Adventures of Meow-meow

So, Daddy and I have decided to visit Claude Monet's garden in Giverny, France. Yes, we were saving this trip for you, but unfortunately you had to go home to Jesus sooner than we expected. But never mind, because even though you're gone, we will still pursue the plans that we had for you. We originally planned this trip for your birthday in August as our surprise gift, but I realized that we are already traveling to New York that month. Besides, we really haven't had a proper holiday since you left and I am getting more and more emotionally strained lately, so I think I really need a holiday soon. 

Anyway, this will be Meow-meow's first ever trip to Europe if in case. I bet you are so excited for her. You know when you left, Daddy and I decided to bring Meow-meow in all our travels. For us, it is just our way of telling those who love you that as hard as it is to totally let go, somehow we have to start moving on. Of course this is not to forget you, but to make new memories with you even if you are not here physically. In this case, Meow-meow as your favourite toy, represents you. And yes, now that you're an angel you are free to go anywhere you want anyway. And the good thing is, you no longer need a visa to come and visit us. So, I am sure that when we visit Lolo Monet's garden, you will be with us. I know we will have fun together. We can't wait. Meow-meow is definitely on a mission. Haha.

I know you know what we have been up to. After all, you're an Angel of God. But just in case you missed some of Meow-meow's adventures because you were probably busy looking after all us (your family and friends) and other children that Father God has asked you to look after, here is a quick reminder of what she has done so far:

After your "send-off", Daddy and his cousins took Meow-meow on a mountain climbing trip in Sto. Tomas. She was scared because she thought the cow was going to swallow her whole and that she was going to drown because they had to cross a river to get on top of the mountain. You probably know that she can't swim, right? But eventually, she successfully got on top and was amazed by what she saw. She didn't realize how beautiful our town is. And this was the beginning of Meow-meow's adventure.

Then she had her first plane ride via Cathay Pacific. As much as she was excited to finally come to London, she was rather sad because you were not with us. Apparently, you promised her that you will not leave her and that you will take her wherever you go. This is despite that fact that you have kept her inside your locker because you were already growing up and it was no longer appropriate for you to carry her around. But unfortunately, you couldn't keep that promise. But she said it's okay because at least now, you're with Papa Jesus and that we now have an angel.

The day before Daddy was due to start with his new job, we went to check on the area where he would be assigned on his first day of work. That was in St. Alban's. As we were exploring the area, we saw this beautiful church. So we went inside and heard the mass. On our way out, we noticed a board with messages and we thought we'd write one for you. Meow-meow just wanted to tell Jesus to give us strength to move on with our life without you. Then we lit a candle for you.

One weekend, we brought Meow to St. Pauls's Cathedral. I didn't realize that "Occupy London" were still camping in the area. Meow was surprised because he thought that protests and the like only happen in the Philippines. She was funny. She said that you would not approve of such things because you basically didn't like conflict. She said you would always pray for peace and love. But Meow being Meow, she took the opportunity to take picture in front of the tents, pretending to be one of the protesters. I bet you would tell her off if you see this.

Then in March, Daddy took Meow to her first ever Half-Marathon in Bath. She beat me to it. Meow said that whenever Daddy heard people chanting your name, Daddy ran faster. She was very proud of Daddy when he finished his ran in just over two hours. She enjoyed her first Marathon and now she is excited to run with me in May.

Meow has been to a few museums since she got here but for some reason we kept forgetting to take pictures of her. Just last week, we took her to the Tate gallery for Damien Hirst's exbihition. Unfortunately, photos were not allowed inside, so this is our only picture.

Meow keeps wishing you were here. In those 11 wonderful years of your life, 7 of them were spent with Meow. You did most things together when you were younger. No wonder why she's missing you so much.

And we miss you so much too you know.  I think about you everyday. Our love for you will never die.  We love you Keith.

Mommy Tintin

Tatang's Farm

So, it looks like the family has sorted out Tatang's farm. Mama told me that they went there yesterday to clean the nipa hut because Mama's cousin from Ilocos will be arriving next week to live there. I think that's a good idea because then, Tatang will have someone to help him look after the animals and  his mango trees. And speaking of mango trees, they have started to bear some fruits much to my delight. I bet Lola Linda will be glad to know about it too. And also, Tatang has planted some pineapples again and they too have started bearing fruit. I think the goats are well, although Tatang has sold a few of them recently.

I think they spent the day at the farm because it looked like they also had a picnic. Kinda remind me of your last outing at the farm with your Adings and your cousins.

Ah, your baseball bat. Ading Linus told me and Papa the last time we chatted online that he has not played with it for a while.

You probably know that Inang does not really like going to Tatang's farm. But yesterday she went with them and even played cards with Kambal. There's only one thing I would like to tell you- Thank you and you probably know why. But honestly, you really didn't have to leave for things to get better.

Your Adings apparently saw a bird's nest and they wanted Tatang to climb up the tree to get it.

Oh Keith, you have no idea how things have changed since you left. Things are not the same anymore and I don't think it will ever be the same. You are missed everyday. I love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

Avenged Sevenfold: The Concert and Afterlife

Well, I read Tito JL's letter to you and I couldn't help but cry. Now it makes more sense to me how you came to like Avenge Sevenfold. It's still surprising for me though because their music is a different genre. But perhaps you just really liked music and it didn't matter to you whether you understood the lyrics or not. Just like what Tito JL said when he asked you why you liked their song "A Little Piece of Heaven". You apparently told him that you liked the video and the singer because they're both cool. I watched the video myself and although I found it dark, the lyrics was actually quite funny. And I like the fact that they used the violin in that song. Could that also be one of the reasons why you liked the song? Maybe, right? I can see you smiling right now. Haha.

Anyway, another song that you apparently liked is the "Afterlife". I have been reading reviews on the song and a lot of fans actually like it. If you were to ask me, I think this song is better than "A Little Piece of Heaven".

AFTERLIFE

Like walking into a dream

So unlike what you've seen

So unsure but it seems

'Cause we?ve been waiting for you

Fallen into this place

Just giving you a small taste

Of your afterlife here so stay

You'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light

But girl, this can't be right

Such a surreal place to see

So how did this come to be, arrived too early?

And when I think of all the places

I just don't belong

I've come to grips with life

And realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we gotta move on, dear

Escape from this afterlife

'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on

Far away from here

A place of hope and no pain

Perfect skies with no rain

Can leave this place but refrain

'Cause we've been waiting for you

Fallen into this place

Just giving you a small taste

Of your afterlife here so stay

You'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right

(With my back against the wall)

No pain or sign of time

(I"m much too young to fall)

So out of place don't wanna stay

I feel wrong and that's my sign

I've made up my mind

Give me your hand

But realize I just wanna say goodbye

Please understand I have to leave

And carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear

Escape from this afterlife

'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on

Far away from here

Got nothing against you

And surely I'll miss you

This place full of peace and light

And I'd hope you might

Take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying

'Cause they're already missing me

I pray by the grace of God

That there's somebody listening

Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be

(I am unbroken, I'm choking on this ecstasy)

Oh Lord, I'll try so hard but You gotta let go of me

(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear

Escape from this afterlife

'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on

Far away from here

Got nothing against you

And surely I'll miss you

This place full of peace and light

And I'd hope you might

Take me back inside when the time is right

Seems like Tito had a lot of fun at the concert. I know you were with him. I just know it.

Hayyyy, I miss you so much baby. I really wish you were here. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Good News

Well, you will be the first one in our family to know that I am now officially a Nurse Independent Prescriber. Although I have told Inang and Mama that I was studying for it, I haven't actually told them that I can prescribe medications now. I phoned last night for something else but I didn't stay on the telephone that long because I was so sleepy. That's why I was not able to tell them my good news. I don't think I have told Daddy Don either.

Nothing really. I just wanted to share another accomplishment with you. It's just really sad that all my successes last year have become meaningless, because I would rather have you here than anything else in this world. I want to say more, but I'd rather stop there.

As I expected, it's really scary to prescribe a drug independently. I used to tell our doctors what drug they should prescribe and now I'm in their shoes. But I know I will be okay, especially because I know that Father God has sent an angel to guide me. And this is my prayer......

Angel of God,

my guardian dear,

to whom God's love commits me here,

ever this day,

be at my side

to light and guard,

to rule and guide.

Amen

Thank you for your prayers anak. Please visit me once in a while. I miss and love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Avenged Sevenfold

I recently found out from Tito JL that apart from your love for Bruno Mars, you also liked the American heavy metal band Avenged Sevenfold. Actually, I have never heard of that band so I googled it and I was surprised because their website is a little bit dark, as in literally. I was wondering why you and Tito might have liked them. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just a bit weird for me that at a young age you can already appreciate that kind of music. Perhaps I'm just old-fashioned. But then again, I remember that when Tito JL was younger, he used to listen to Metallica's music a lot. He was actually cute because he couldn't even say Metalicca properly. He used to say "Metacalla". In fact, when he used to sleep in our house, he would play their songs upon waking up in the morning. We used to watch their videos over and over again. He actually told me one time that he feels quite bad because he was not able to share that experience with you and Ading Linus. Because by the time he could hang out with you, he was already living in Manila. So he didn't actually have plenty of time to bond with you.

One time he posted something on his facebook wall about Avenged Sevenfold's (A7X)song entitled "So Far Away". I have watched the video on you tube and I quite like it. And I love the lyrics. It is very meaningful. Apparently, the band has been performing this song in their concerts as a tribute to their former drummer "The Rev" who passed away in 2009. No wonder Tito JL likes the song too. Maybe he dedicates that song to you.

Anyway, Tito will be watching their concert in Manila in a few days time. Oh, tomorrow actually. Well, he said before that he wanted to take you and that he will ask me and Mama if we'd let you go. So when I read his post about the concert this afternoon, I asked him to take you. :)

Please be there to keep Tito company. I know you will anyway.

"So Far Away"

Never feared for anything
Never shamed but never free
A light that healed the broken heart
With all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Plans of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
The truth is so cold

A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Sleep tight I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away

I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you when He let's me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied

So far away
And I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to, need you to know

I know you'll have fun with Tito JL. Oh, how I wish you can be there in the flesh. We are terribly missing you. We love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

What if they forget you?

Ah, 4 days from now would be your third month in heaven. It's the same weekend when you left us. I mean, 27th is the Friday and 28th is the Saturday. I keep trying not to think about it that way, but I know it's impossible because no matter what I do it's already a part of me and I probably won't be able to let go of it for a very long time. It has been a very difficult three months for all of us. It does get easier at times, but the pain is not going away completely. I don't think it ever will though. Perhaps I just need to learn how to live with it.

It's almost been three months now and I am very afraid that as time goes by, people will stop thinking about you and talking about you. I really don't want this to happen and this is why I created a facebook page for my letters to you. I originally wanted these letters to be just between you and me and perhaps those who will stumble upon it, but I also wanted people to remember you. I have so may plans, but this facebook page is the easiest for me to do at the moment. As much as I was embarrassed to ask my friends for a favour, I asked most of them to help me by liking your page. Yes, it maybe is a very selfish act, but I couldn't think of any other way to do it. I was thinking I have more than 1,000 friends on facebook and if I can get at least half of them to like your page, then I would be rest assured that people will not forget you. Currently, 156 people have liked the page. Some of them I forced kindly asked and some of them I didn't even have to. I am so grateful to those people who may not exactly understand what I am going through at the moment, but are always willing to help. And to those whom I haven't actually met, but were kind enough to help me. I will forever be grateful to them.

There was this beautiful poem that I read from Grieving Mothers a while ago and it relates to what I am trying to convey:

Do you remember me?

I know my mom does

She cries every night when she goes to bed

I know she is sad I had to leave

I was called home

She is afraid no one will remember me

No one mentions my name to her

They are afraid it will upset her

But she longs to her my name from anyone else

Just to know they haven't forgotten I was here

I wish I could have stayed 

But that wasn't in the plans for me

Just let my mom know you remember me

She may smile once in a while but I know the truth

She can fool a lot of people

But she can't fool me or Jesus

We know she is sad all the time

Wishing for me to come back home

I watch over her all the time

I know she can feel me with her

She talks to me all the time

She is always telling me how much she loves me and misses me

So please let her know you remember me

Ease her pain and mention me once in a while

It would mean so much to her

And Mom, I love and miss you too

We will be together again one day

I love you very much

It would really be a shame if people forget about you. I just hope and pray that they won't because that will honestly break my heart. You were too wonderful to be forgotten.

I am missing you all the time. I wish you were here. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

The Girl from Cyprus

Today, I met a 22 year old girl from Cyprus. Hmmm, I kind of felt weird while I was talking to her. To be honest with you, she's not very well. She has been through a lot in the last few weeks, year in fact. But despite that, she remains very strong. She was talking to me as if nothing's going on. She is very confident and full of hope. She actually told me that she has been to Turkey and Cyprus and then back twice just to get better. She added that she came to London for the hope to live. I could feel the pain in her voice while she was speaking. It was obvious that she was trying to hold back her tears. I didn't know what to say so I just held her hand and just gave her a reassuring look. I really admire her for being so strong. Despite what she's been and still going through, she is definitely not showing any signs of hardship, or giving up in that matter. She  clearly is a fighter.

While we were talking, a black folder beside her caught my attention. Her name was written on the cover along with "Drawings 2011-2012". So, just to divert our conversation to something lighter, I asked her kindly if I could have a look at her drawings. She didn't hesitate at all. She's into Anime, so most of her drawings are on them. She had a couple of portraits which were simply amazing. From what I could see, she has got the talent. She said she started drawing only because her cousin told her that she can never draw, so she wanted to prove him wrong. And she certainly did.

The hardest thing on my part while speaking to her was to avoid saying anything about you. I tried my best but it was very hard not to brag about you. So eventually I told her that my son is also an artist and that he paints. If you noticed, I used the present tense- only because I didn't know how to say it any better. Because I was thinking if I said "he painted", she might asked me what happened and I really didn't want to tell her anything, especially because she is going through a lot at the moment. She was excited to hear more about you and your paintings. I was getting emotionally weak and ready to cry when someone caught my attention. Then I had to say good-bye to her. She told me she would love to speak to me again and would love it if I could show her your paintings next time. You know I could have easily shown her your paintings because I had them saved in my phone, but no, I didn't want to be emotional in front of her. She has shown me nothing but strength all the time that we were talking so I couldn't be showing her any signs of weakness. So I told her I'll show her your paintings next time.

I told your Daddy about my encounter with the girl and that's when I started crying. I cried not only because I missed you even more after that, but also because I feel so proud of the girl for not giving up on her battles. 

Ha, Anime. 

Your unfinished work on Dragon Ball Z.

Please anak pray for this girl. I love you so much. I miss you more and more each day.

Mommy Tintin

Please help Ate Celine recover

Mama told me this morning that your best friend Aga, Ate Celine and their Dad were involved in a motorcycle accident. Apparently they were on their way home from Casa. It just so happened that Aga was online this morning so I had the opportunity to ask him exactly what happened. According to Aga the accident happened yesterday. He said that they were trying to avoid a tri-bike, but perhaps his Dad lost control and their motorcycle rolled over. Aga sustained just few grazes, while his Dad had a deep wound on his foot. Ate Celine on the other hand, dislocated her arm and was admitted to the hospital. Initially, Mama told me that she needed an operation. But when I phoned again to check if they have heard anymore news from them, Inang said that Ate didn't need the operation anymore and that she is okay now. Please thank Papa Jesus for that.

I am very happy that nothing serious really happened to Aga and his family. I told him that his guardian angel was with him during that time. And that guardian angel was you. Of course you won't let anything bad happen to your best friend and to those he loves. I am sure you were up there looking over them and when you saw what happened, you and your co-angels or even Papa Jesus went down to rescue them. At the moment, Ate Celine remains in the hospital. Please anak continue to pray for her and stay beside her until she fully recovers.

I found this photo of you and Ate Celine while I was looking at your photos:

I promised I was not gonna cry but I just did because I am missing you terribly. You really shouldn't have left. You were already an angel on earth. You didn't have to go to heaven to be an angel. Mommy is missing you so much. I love you Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

Damien Hirst

Daddy, Meow-meow and I went to the Tate Gallery this afternoon to see Damien Hirst's exhibition. Hirst is a modern artist and is considered to be one of the most prominent artists of his generation. This is apparently his first major exhibition held in London.

I thought I'd share this with you because when we were queueing for his most famous work, For the Love of God, there was this boy about your age who also came with his parents. The boy looked like he was forced to go to the exhibition. He clearly was not interested in the art work. He was constantly playing with the zip of his jumper, and then he started showing signs of frustrations. I am telling you this because while I was watching the boy, I was thinking to myself, "I wonder if Keith would also be interested in this". But knowing you, you would just go and see what its like without a single complaint.

I am not sure what sort of exhibitions you would want to see. But for sure, paintings would be on top of your list. I think you would also like Hirst's art works, but only some of them. Oh, you know what I thought you would like? He has a collection of fish specimens which are preserved in individual glass containers. I know you love fishes and Mama told me before that you used to do a lot of research on them. In fact, you apparently knew almost all kinds of fish. Then he also had one room containing live butterflies. They were so beautiful. I really wished you were with us because I know you would have thoroughly enjoyed that. Anyway, Daddy and I were among the last people to leave the room. I purposely stayed because I saw a blue butterfly and I was hoping that it will land on me. Unfortunately it didn't, but it was flying towards me and Daddy, only that  it went back to where it came from. Maybe the butterfly was shy, just like you.

I really felt bad when we were there because these are the kind of things that Daddy Don was looking forward to be doing with you. When I told him that I would take you to England for a visit next year, he was very excited. He kept telling me that finally, he would have someone to visit museums with. He was already thinking of the stuff that you may want to see. Unfortunately, Father God needed you sooner that I have ever thought.

You could have done and seen more if only Father God allowed you to stay with us a bit longer. Sayang lang talaga.

I will surely be visiting more museums with Daddy, and every visit will be dedicated to you.

I love you so much anak. I miss you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

Introducing Meow-Meow

I slept with Meow-meow last night and I dreamed that his one eye went missing. And that automatically brought back sweet memories of you and your favourite toy.

Meow-meow was a gift from your Lola Linda. You had her since you were a tiny baby. Meow-meow is actually a female lion. She used to have brown spots, but because we have been washing her every now and again, she has lost her original form and colour. 

For some reason, you called her Meow-Meow. And then everyone started calling her that too. We didn't even bother to give her another name anymore.

I may not be the right person to share your memories with Meow-meow because I did not witness most of your times together, but I have also heard a lot of funny stories from Mama and Papa. So please allow me to share some of those stories.

When you were a baby you loved sucking your thumb, right? But for you to be able to do that, you should be holding Meow-Meow on one hand. And here is a couple of proofs of your thumb-sucking moments with Meow-meow:

Oh, you were so adorable anak. 

There was one time according to Mama, when you were on your way to Ilocos and they forgot to bring Mewo-Meow. They only remembered her when you were already in the bus to Olongapo. Since it was too late to go back, Mama and Papa didn't mention it to you. Until you realized you didn't have Meow-Meow with you. You started looking for her and when you couldn't find her, you started crying. Mama and Papa tried to explain why Meow-meow was not with you, but you didn't want to listen to them. They even tried to bribe you with other things just to divert your attention, but nothing worked. Instead, you cried louder and louder until Papa decided to travel an extra hour back and forth only to get Meow-meow. Haha. 

Remember when one of Meow-meow's eye fell off? You wouldn't stop crying because you thought she was dead. Mama told me that you were screaming, " Patay na si Meow-meow, Patay na si Meow-meow" (Meow-meow is dead, Meow-meow is dead). You wouldn't stop crying until they managed to glue the eye back. The same thing happened the first time they washed Meow-meow. Of course they had to hang Meow-meow to dry up. But when you saw Meow-meow hanging on the laundry thread, you were very upset and you accused them of killing her. Perhaps anything like that made you think that they were hurting Meow-meow or something, right?

You clearly loved that toy very much. In fact, you didn't let go of it until you were about 7 years old. Even then, you would still look for it when you got home  from school and you still slept with it.

And now, I am the one sleeping with Meow-meow. I brought her with me when I came back to London, along with a couple of your favourite t-shirts. It's very sad really, because you were supposed to be the one I was going to bring with me next year, but you were taken away. So yun, si Meow-meow na lang. Daddy and I will be taking Meow-meow with us in our travels. That way somehow, you're still with us not only in spirit, but also through Meow-meow.

Nothing is better in my life than to have you back. How I wish I could turn back time. I am really missing you. I love you more than words can say.

Mommy Tintin