I Am Ready

So I think I am. First of all because I already had a double egg and sausage mc muffin at Mickie D's this morning with your Tito Phillip, after such a long time. So I have treated myself already even before I even accomplished anything. Therefore, whether I like it or not, I should be ready for tomorrow.

Speaking of Mickie D, I know that you preferred to eat there than Jollibee. :)

The t-shirt I ordered online never came, so I rushed to town this morning to find a store who does same day printing and thank God I found one. They didn't have the prints of my original design so I had to make a new one. I really don't care about the design for as long as your name and your motto are written in front of my t-shirt. That's all that really matters to me. And of course I will be wearing your favourite colour tomorrow- white and sky blue (reminds me of the Greek colour). I am glad PRIMARK had a t-shirt exactly the same colour as your theme. So, tomorrow is all about you anak. Sayang, I could have run for the Philippine Red Cross for now until I can put up your own charity. I realized I would like to help those who are sick and in need of blood transfusions. But I know this will not be my last run so I will still have plenty of opportunities to do that.

And then after the t-shirt was printed, I went to pick up my marathon pack. I was teary-eyed on my way there because I really can't believe that I signed up for a 10k run for the first time in my life! I know I have been running with Daddy even before but not that far. I would normally give up after 2 km. I just never thought that I could run long distance as I was sickly as a child and never really got into sports. But now I can do anything because of you. You are the only reason why I am running tomorrow, because I know that you would have done it also- for you can and you will do anything and everything just because YOU ARE YOU!

By the way, Meow is running with me - her second long distance run. I bet you are excited for both of us. Please invite your angel friends to come and watch us!

Love you so much baby ko. Missing you so much already.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy is so disappointed

I ordered my customized shirt for the Bristol 10k via Street Shirts last Monday, hoping that it will arrive the following day. Well, at least that's what the company says on their website - that the shirt will be delivered guaranteed the following day or they will give me back £10. So Tuesday came and the t-shirt never arrived. I phoned the company on Wednesday morning and it took me at least 20 minutes to get hold of someone. I had to ring back three times because all their lines were apparently busy. So when I finally spoke to someone, she said that the reason why my t-shirt has not been delivered is because the garment that I chose was out of stock. I was so upset and told the lady that if it was the case, then I should have known before I checked out. You know the warning that pops out when you're shopping online that says "out of stock"? There was nothing like that when I was buying the shirt. So I was really confident that I will receive the t-shirt on time. Anyway, the lady then told me that the latest it can arrive will be Saturday, the day before the marathon. I asked if it could be delivered on Friday instead, because I opted for next day delivery. But she said it will be delivered Saturday the latest. What time? She didn't know.

So, it's Friday now and obviously the t-shirt has not arrived. I am upset because I really want to wear that t-shirt when I run. I designed it especially for you. I was so excited to see it,  but now I am so disappointed. How I wish their website didn't say that it will  be delivered the following day.

Now I am stressed again because I need to find an alternative t-shirt and I am not sure if I can find anyone who can design it for me on the same day. Arrrgggghhh, I shouldn't have trusted that website.

Anyway, Daddy was meant to come to Bristol tonight but because the t-shirt didn't arrive he has to wait for it until tomorrow. And we don't even know what time it will get there. So this whole t-shirt palaver has ruined our original plan.

I am still hoping that Daddy will receive the t-shirt tomorrow, but at the same I will look for a place where I can have another t-shirt designed just in case it doesn't arrive.

I am so excited to run for you. I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

The smell of candles and flowers

I was skyping with my sister-from-another-mother the day before yesterday and she asked if I you have visited me, as in if I have felt you at all since you left. I told her I only have dreamt about you three or four times, but that was just it. Then she told me that the day Tito Ryan went home to Jesus, she had some experiences with Tito being around her- like swinging mirrors and flickering lights. I am not sure if this was real, but then again she told me that another lady who used to live with us in the same room also had the same experience, so maybe it was true.

Anyway, although I have not experienced such things I would like to believe that you have visited me at least a couple of times, besides in my dreams. Although I know you will never do the same things that Tito Ryan allegedly did, I felt you somehow. Maybe you will say Mommy is crazy. Knowing you, you were very shy and you wouldn't necessary approach anybody unless they speak to you first.

So then, one day or two in fact, I was missing you terribly. Then I decided to look at your photos on Mama's facebook. I was crying then all of a sudden I started smelling a burning candle and some flower scent. I thought I was daydreaming, but the smell didn't go away. Yes we have candles at home, but it was quite early in the morning and I don't usually light the candles unless Daddy's cooking. The smell lingered for a few minutes and then it went. The same thing happened the second time around. So I know that you probably did visit me somehow.

I told Inang about it earlier but she wouldn't believe me. She said it was just in my mind because I keep thinking about you. She belives that you are not capable of doing anything like that because it's not like you to disturb or scare others. Not that you would scare me if you come visit me, but perhaps she meant that you will be too embarrassed to disturb me.

But honestly anak, I won't mind if you come and visit me. I actually want to speak to you and ask you how it's like on the other side. I also have a few questions to ask. I want to know what exactly happened on that day that you left us. I want to know if you have met Ate Maningning, Tito Ryan, Paolo and Natasha. I want you to tell me if you are able to paint there and play the violin. And oh, I want to know what Jesus looks like and if Angels really have wings. You know, I just want to chat with you like old times.

How I wish we can do that one day, even if it's just in my dreams. I am missing you so so much. I keep longing to touch you and to hug you and to kiss you again. Oh baby ko, I wish you were here.

I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's feeling dizzy

I have been feeling dizzy for the last two weeks now. Sometimes it is also accompanied by a headache and nausea. And when I eat anything, I have indigestion. I always feel bloated but I am still eating as I do feel hungry at times. I don't know what's wrong with me. I cannot see any doctor as yet at the moment as I have not registered yet. Well, I am but I still need to go to a process of health cheacks and the earliest that I can have it done is not until the 18th of June. So really, I cannot see any doctor until I pass out. And that would mean I need to go to the Accident and Emergency.

I guess my symptoms are not that bad at the moment. I still can perform my normal activities of daily living without too much difficulty. I can sometimes feel my head spinning, but not too bad to stop what I am doing. I have a feeling this has got to do with my eyes. I need to wear glasses, but I am quite stubborn. I don't like wearing glasses at work because they get on my way. And I don't like touching it when it falls down, especially when I have not washed my hands. Haha. Kinda like you, right? Oh well, I have so much to say about our similarities in that area. But I will talk about that some other time.

It's either my eyes or it's my ears again. I remember I had the same problem in the past and the doctor told me that it might have been labyrinthitis, which is an inflammation of the inner ear. As far as I know he didn't give me any medication at that time. But I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I will try and wear my glasses and see what happens. I need a new one actually because it's quite old now and I don't know if it's still the right eye measurements. Well, anyway I'll just have to try.

Anak I have to go now. Please just pray that I will feel better soon. Please also remember that I love you and I miss you more each day. Kisses Pochongchong!

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's ready for the 10k

I'm on the bus right now on my way to Bristol. I was not able to write to you before I left home because I was skyping with Mama and Papa. We didn't talk about anything much except your house. Papa was giving Mama instructions on what the carpenters need to do on the doors and stuff. Apart from that, nothing much really. 

So, yesterday was my last training day for the 10k. I managed to run that distance in 70 mins, 10 mins less than my target time. I think that's good enough, but Daddy told me to aim for less than an hour, which I think is impossible for me to do. Maybe next time. I think I may have hurt my hip though because it's been sore since I finished running last night. It's more painful at certain positions, like when I am lying flat and then suddenly move. But Daddy said that it's normal and that I just need to rest it. So I will not be doing any running until the day of the marathon. By the way, I bought a customised t-shirt especially for the marathon. My theme for the day is your theme- white and blue. Since I am running for you, I wanted it to be special. The t-shirt is blue and the prints are in white. And because you loved anything that "lightens" up, I have put a star on the left side of the shirt, right where my heart is. Then your name is inside the star and at the bottom, the word "lighters". Oh and on the main shirt in front is where your motto is written. See, that day will be all about you. Because if it were not because of you, I will not be motivated to do such crazy thing especially because I find running really boring. I am just waiting for the t-shirt and my pack to arrive now, then I'm really ready. I am excited to see it. They said it will arrive today so hopefully it will come later. 

Oh, I want to tell you a story that's completely different from our topic. Well, I was crossing the road to go to the coach station when this girl bumped me. She was pushing her child's pram and ran over my right foot. So I was like,"tsk". Then she heard me and said, "silly cow"! I was so irritated by what I heard because she should have apologized to me for running over my foot. The nerve of her to say that to me! So I answered back and told her on top of my voice, "you should have at least said sorry" and I just carried on walking. Then I have been thinking about that incident until now. I realized that I have changed. My old self would not say anything back in those circumstances. But this time I actually managed to open my mouth. But perhaps that's as far as I would go. You know I am not vey good with confrontations. Maybe I was furious because that woman was with her child and she said that to me. You know what I mean? Then bitterness struck again. Ah, I'd rather not say anything anymore because I may say something bad. I don't know but since you left, I kind of can't tolerate other people mistreating me anymore especially those who have children. Because you were taken away from me and why these mean individuals are still with their children? Oh well, .... 

Okay anak, i'm just gonna stop here as I am feeling dizzy now. I am always thinking of you. I am missing you so much. Love you loads. 

Mommy Tintin

Do people really care?

I keep asking myself this question because sometimes I feel that other people really don't care that I have lost you. Maybe they do, but keeping silent doesn't really tell me anything does it? I am talking about friends and family who despite knowing what I and our family have gone and are still going through cannot even spend 5 minutes of their time to check on us. It's just disappointing that those whom you expected to understand you more and walk with you through this journey are the ones who seem not to care. Some may say of course they do, it's just that...What? They know what I am going through and that they don't want to be a burden to me? Or it's because they don't know what to say, they don't want to upset me? Or is it because they have their own lives to live and problems to face, therefore can't be bothered? But this is not a big thing that I am asking for! All I need is just a simple hi,hello,how are you?, we're here if you need anything and stuff like that...My point is, if people  I don't really know personally and friends whom I've just met are able to check on me every now and again, why can't my family and friends do the same? It makes me wonder you know. All I am asking really is some thoughtfulness. Or is this a tradition of some sort that when a friend or family loses someone, you say "I'm so sorry for your loss" once, and never say a word ever again. If the person isn't a family or a friend, then fine, I will truly understand. But these are your so-called friends and families! Where are they when you actually need someone to comfort you and reassure you that things will be okay?Yes, grieving mothers are right. No one will ever understand me unless they have lost a child. But then again, I am not even asking for understanding. Just a simple thought really. And to show me that they care. 

Just like  the facebook page that I made for you. I only created that page so people will not forget you. So we can say anything to you when we are missing you. But guess who visits the page? Majority of them are my acquaintances and friends that I have only met on facebook. See, most of the people who liked that page are those I have kindly asked to do so. Some of them are fellow grieving mothers who voluntarily liked your page. And yes, some of them I really didn't have to ask. I am so grateful for these people for taking their time for you and me. I have already posted an invite to like your page once before and I don't want to do it again. Because I am sure my friends and family are already aware of it and if they really wanted to show their support on this matter, then they could have done it the first time I shared the link on my facebook page.

I don't know why I am so bitter and insecure at the moment. Perhaps because people only seem to remember me when they need something. Why can they do that and not even dare to ask how I am? Is it because their life is good and mine isn't, so they no longer care? 

I am so sorry anak if I am upset at the moment. It's just that I have my own expectations and I am just disappointed because these expectations are not met. It's entirely my fault as I shouldn't really expect anything from anyone. But if only these people knew better about supporting a grieving mother......

FRIENDS SUPPORT GUIDE

For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.

6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
a. Bring food
b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself
c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his
death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.

7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused

8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.

9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...

Thank you for listening anak ko. Please bear with Mommy sometimes okay? I miss you so very much and I love you so.

Mommy Tintin

Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day! Do I still really need to celebrate mother's day now that my only reason to be a mother has been taken away? Perhaps I still do. At the end of the day I remain a mother to an Angel in heaven and of course to your Adings.

I don't know what other people think. But knowing that you are no longer here, people are still sending me Mother's Day messages which is very sweet and thoughtful. And when I say people, these are those whom I really don't know personally or very well. Only two of my closest friends have greeted me happy mother's day so far. Even your Daddy Don did not greet me. Not that it matters that much, but it kind of made me think- does losing your only child mean you are no longer a mother? Either that or because they think that you were not my biological son anyway. Or perhaps they are not sure how will I take it if they greet me. But whatever reason they have, I respect that. Sometimes it's my fault also because I expect too much from other people. That's why I feel bad when those expectations are not met. But anyway......

Just like what I told in my previous letter about Mother's Day in the UK, thank you for giving me the experience of motherhood. I will forever be grateful to you for giving me the chance to be a mother.

So here I am alone at home, chatting on skype with Mama. Papa was also in our conference but he logged out because he was hungry. Daddy Don went outside because it's Sunday and he always like to go out on his day off. I'd rather stay at home and rest, especially because we have been sleeping late for the last three nights. So I am really tired now. Besides, I ran for two consecutive days and my legs are very sore. So, I am having a rest day today.

As it is mother's day today, I would like to leave this message for Father God:

A Mother's Day Gift To God

Lord today is Mother's Day,

but my heart is split in two

Half of my heart is still here,

the other with my child that is there with You.

All the lovely presents are a nice surprise

But the only thing I want most is missing,

and tears fill my eyes.

I know when You sent him Lord,

You didn't promise how long he would stay

All You said was to love him and treasure each and every day.

But Lord it crushed my heart,

when You called for his return.

I really feel like half a Mom,

as I ache and weep, and yearn.

But Lord tell Adam  Keith "I Love him"

just as much as I did before.

And could you please make a window,

so he can see through Heaven's floor,

Let him see that he is missed

and thought of with each breath I take

And that a Mother's love begins before life,

and does not end with death.

So on this Mother's Day,

The Greatest Gift

"I Give To You."~

For Lord I know You missed him,

and that You love him too.

- Thanks Grieving Mothers

I love and miss you so much my Pochongchong!

Mommy Tintin