Daddy worried me last night

Daddy came home early from work yesterday around 630pm. He asked me if I wanted to go out but I said no because I was going to work today and I had to cook for my baon. He said he needed to go out because he was stressed with work the day before. So I said he could go without me which he did. I told him to bring his mobile but it had no battery so there was no point. I was giving him my other mobile but he refused to take it.

I was hoping he would come home early thinking that he will work the following day. But 1130pm came and he still wasn't home. There was no way I could contact him so I didn't know where he was. I have this tendency to panic if he doesn't come home at the I am expecting him to. At first, I thought I'd sit at home and wait. But after playing a few rounds on Bejewelled Blitz, I started to worry and couldn't sleep. By this time it was already quarter to 12 (midnight). I wanted to try and sleep because I was going to do an extra shift today, but because I was in a panic mode, I couldn't. Then I started feeling sick and having loose stools. Perhaps due to stress. So I dressed up and decided to go out and wait for him at the bus stop. This was already 12 midnight. I was not scared because I could still see people walking down the street and some stores were still open. You know what anak, I already have this problem even when I was in the Philippines. When Papa or Tatang didn't come home on time, I would go out in the street on my own to look for them even if Inang told me not to. And then every time I heard a loud noise, I would start panicking. Just like last night, I got very nervous whenever I heard a siren.

Anyway, I thought I'd let someone know about this so I texted my friend and asked if she was still awake, and she was. So I told her that I was outside and waiting for your Daddy because he hasn't come home since 7pm. I told her I was okay so she just told me to ring her if I needed anything and I left it there. 

More or less ten buses have passed by and Daddy was not in any of them. I almost felt like I wanted to pass out. I was shaking and palpitating. It was just before 1am when my friend called back and told me that her husband was on his way to keep me company because they were worried about me for being outside that time of the night. So he came and asked if I wanted to go find him, but I told him I didn't know where he was. We ended up going to all the bus stops that I could possibly think of where he might get off. My friend's husband reassured me that everything would be okay and that Daddy would be home soon. But the state of panic I was in, I couldn't be reassured. 

After 1am, buses would only come every half an hour so we decided to go home and have a cup of tea. Thirty minutes later, I asked him if we could go back to the bus stop and check on Daddy. Three buses came and he wasn't there. Then my friend told me, okay we'll give it until 2-230. And if he still won't turn up, come and stay with us. I wouldn't know what to do if he still didn't turn up at that time. But luckily, at 2am, he finally arrived. I was relieved at the same time I was very angry at him for not even trying to call me or send me a message. The last time  he forgot his mobile at home, he used the public phone to call me and even went to a computer shop to send me a message. But why didn't he do that this time?

He was surprised to see me with my friend. Daddy said, "oh you're so sweet for coming here". I was like, "really?". Apparently he met some people and he was with them. I really didn't care if he was with anybody or not. I just wanted to know where he was. Then he told me I shouldn't really have bothered other people. He clearly didn't realize the situation that he had put me in. He even said that it was only 2am and that I was just over reacting. I was gob-smacked honestly. I didn't even know what to say. I just cried to relieve my frustrations and then chatted to a couple of my friends until 5am.

He probably didn't realize that I'm still not over your passing. The pain of losing you remains unbearable. And just the thought of the possibility that something might happen to your Daddy was making me crazy. I really don't want to go through that horrible experience again, or even just the thought of it. I am not sure if I would be strong enough if anything happens to him or any of our family, God forbid. So I was expecting that Daddy would understand that. But he seemed like he didn't care about how I felt.

I still haven't spoken to him properly yet. I don't even know where to start. But I know I have to tell him how I feel. For now I should just :

Thanks for listening anak. I know you were with me last night because you were constantly in my thoughts. I love you so much. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

You finally visited Inang

Inang has been hoping and praying that you would visit her soon. Then the other night you finally did.

In Inang's dream, you were definitely gone. She apparently entered a house and you were inside. They took you out of your eternal bed and put you on top of another bed covered in white sheets. When Inang saw what they did, she cried but a lady dressed in white approached her and comforted her. The lady told her not to cry anymore because they were also going to put white wings on you. Inang said you were very handsome. According to her, you were clothed in a very beautiful gold outfit, just like what they normally put on Sto. Nino.

photo from free-extras.com

So, while Inang was watching, she noticed a man entering the door. She greeted the old man, but he ignored her and carried on walking. The room was apparently full of people dressed in white, but Inang didn't recognize any of them. All the doors and the windows were closed. When Inang went out of the house, she saw Daddy Henry. Daddy Henry thought that Inang didn't see you. But she told him she's just been inside. Then they closed the door behind her and that's when she was woken up. 

Inang tried to go back to sleep again because she didn't want her dream to end. She told me whenever she wakes up in the night thinking about you, she wouldn't normally go back to sleep anymore. But this time, she was keen to fall asleep again hoping that her dream would go on. She said she doesn't know what her dream means. She's still trying to figure out what the message is. I'm sure my religious friend knows. So when I go back to work next week, I'm going to ask her.

Ah, just last night I was crying because I was missing you and now Inang dreamt about you. By the way, Inang told me that whenever she misses you she hugs your photo and she feels like she's hugging you for real because the frame feels really thick. Perhaps you do hug her back.

And oh, on Monday, Tito JL also dreamt about you. He said in his dream he knew you were gone, but he felt like you were still with us.

I know you're just there anak. Just continue to pray and watch over us. Although we miss you very much, we know that you're in a better place. We love you very much always and forever.

Mommy Tintin

Your Adings are ready for school

So, Ading Linus has followed your advice and transferred to Pedro M. Arce Ecumenical School. Apparently, you told him sometime in November or December that he should transfer there this year. Perhaps that was your way of telling him that you will no longer be with him, so he's going to be alone. I know you didn't want that to happen. And maybe you want him and Ading Cxyrelle to be at the same school so they can be together now. I know that Ading Linus has always wanted to transfer to PMA, but you asked him to stay with you until you graduated from grade school. But then you probably knew that you wouldn't be able to make it to your graduation anymore so you told him to just transfer.

Anyway, they went to Olongapo the other day to buy their school stuff. I think they went to SM and Ayala Centre. Yes, anak they have those in Olongapo now. I think I forgot to tell you about it. SM is not that huge. I know you won't trade SM North Edsa for any SM Department stores in the Philippines. That was the only department store you wanted to go to. Ading Linus didn't buy a new bag because he said he still has his bag from last year and it's still new. That's one thing I really like about Ading Lye because he is okay to wear old things. I remember he always wanted your old uniforms and clothes even if Inang or Mama wanted to buy him new ones. He would always say, "yung naliitan na lang po ni Kuya". Your brother is really sweet and I know you knew that. On the other hand, Ading Cxyrelle bought a new bag. According to Mama, she has always wanted to buy this princess or barbie bag and luckily, Mama found one. Mama told me that Ading Cxyrelle's school supplies are all barbie. Ading is so maarte, right? Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Ading's bag is bigger than her, haha! She told Papa on skype the other day that she could fit in her bag! She even went inside the bag! She's so funny.

Ah, I hate days like this because it's never complete. Before they were taking three kids to shop for school supplies, now there's just two. I  am emotional at the moment because school is opening soon and you would have been in sixth grade. The class won't start until the 13th of June for private schools. I was chatting with your friend Anthony the other day and he said he is excited to go back to school. I hope that they will still remember you and talk about you even if you're no longer with them.

I am crying again because I am missing you very much. That's everyday, although sometimes I don't cry but I think about you all the time. I love you with all my heart.

Mommy Tintin

Baseball

Guess what we found today anak? A baseball field! Daddy and I were doing our usual morning run when we spotted men in baseball uniforms. So when we finished our run, we went to check it out. And yes, there is a baseball diamond right where we live. Daddy is so excited about it because he loves baseball. In fact, he used to play at school when he was in junior high. I was telling him to ask if he could join but I think he was embarrassed to ask. But anyway, we couldn't give this chance a miss, so we decided to go back after we had a shower. We watched the game for like 2 and a half hours.

Watching the game reminded me of you because I know that you loved baseball. In fact, Papa bought you a baseball bat, right? But I don't think you have used it that much. Even now, Ading Linus hasn't used it since you left. I think I will tell him to play baseball when the weather is better.

I'm glad Mama took some photos of you, Ading and your friends playing baseball a little while ago. At least I can remind you of it.

I just noticed it now that your bat was actually a bamboo, haha. I wonder where your proper baseball bat was.

And while you, Ading and your friends played on a dry field, the baseball players here played on a green grass. And their bats were I think aluminum. I was thinking about you the whole time that I was watching the game because I know you would have loved to watch it.

As you can see Daddy was very much engaged to the game. 

How I wish you were with us. I know you would have enjoyed it. It's really hard to believe that you're gone. I know you can see me cry each time I look at your pictures. But that's only because I am missing you so much. I love you very very much anak. Please watch over us. And please visit me again. It's been a while.

Mommy Tintin

An eventful Sunday

My weekend has been very busy as my friends from Bristol came over for the Jubilee. We were supposed to watch the River Pageant by the Thames River but we were very unfortunate. We woke up early enough (we thought) and were out of the house before midday in order to get to the riverbanks in time. Instead of taking the tube, we decided to take the bus, only to be dropped off half way through because of some road closures. We took the tube anyway and when we got to London bridge tube station, there was a massive number of people going to the original area we were planning to go to - the Southbank. So Daddy decided that we should just go to the Design Museum, hoping that there were less people. Yes, there were  but they closed the whole area to the public. Only local residents were allowed to go inside. So we walked towards the Tower Bridge and managed to squeezed in under the trees. The only thing was that we wouldn't be able to see the Royal Barge from that area as it would have stopped just after the Tower bridge. We were so disappointed. And since my friend's only purpose in going there was to see the royal family, we decided to just go home and watch the whole thing on television. But while walking towards the tube station, we changed our minds and just made the decision to have lunch at the Filipino store in Victoria. I thought we could watch the River Pageant over there but their television is apparently only for TFC. We were indeed very unlucky for the Jubilee.

Just as we were leaving the Filipino store, we heard a loud bang from outside. We rushed to check what it was and turned out to be a road traffic accident. A young boy was hit by a motorcycle. We didn't see exactly what happened. The only thing thing I saw was when the child's head hit the floor. Daddy and my friends went out but I stayed inside the store. I could see that a girl in red aged about 9 was chasing the motorcycle, crying and screaming. It was apparently the boy's eldest sister.I was having palpitations at that time and I was shaking. I was hoping that the boy was okay. I could see through the window that the boy crying, but he was just lying still. I couldn't see any blood. And while I was watching the paramedics assisting the child, I was thinking of you. I don't want to see any child suffering as I am always reminded of what happened to you. I was trying hard to contain myself as I didn't want to cry in front of the people in the store. But I couldn't help it anymore as soon as we got out of the store and saw the child being brought inside the ambulance. My tears just fell.

The boy's mother and father were speechless. I could see they were shocked, but they were not crying. The mother seemed very calm. If it was me I would have gone hysterical. The two sisters were perhaps shocked as well but I saw the girl in red smiling when she was taken to the police car with the other younger sister and their dad. I feel so sorry for the sisters because they saw what happened and I am sure they will be traumatized by it.

I wanted to know what happened but none of the people from the store didn't know. But apparently according to my friend who overheard a conversation, the boy and his family were crossing the road. Maybe the boy was walking on his own. There was this white van which stopped at the traffic lights, but for some reason this motorcycle overtook the van and that's when it hit the boy. The older sister apparently told the police that they crossed the road because it was the green man, although the motorcycle driver said otherwise. The van driver was still being interviewed when we left.

I hope that the boy is okay. Perhaps you can pray for him too anak.

By the way, your friend Ed told me this morning that he was brought to the hospital on the 28th of May and was only discharged yesterday. I was surprised when he said that his head was damaged. He later explained that he felt dizzy and lost his consciousness. He is fine now he said but the doctors warned him that it may happen again so he needs to be careful. He couldn't tell me what exactly is wrong with him. Watch over him anak ha and please pray that he will fully recover from his illness.

I miss you so much. I wish you've never left. School will start soon and I am sure I will be sad. Tell me how is it over there okay? I would like to know what angels do this time of the year. I love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Good News: The Mango Tree is not completely gone

I sent a message to Mama this afternoon asking her if the mango tree was definitely cut down because I couldn't sleep thinking about it last night. I was looking at our old  photos with you under the tree and I couldn't help but cry. I really don't want to lose that tree.

Mama told me that the tree was not totally cut down, but they have removed all the branches and the leaves. Although the trunk is still there, I am still worried that the branches and the leaves may not grow again. I am hoping very much that it will still be okay.

I asked Mama what the reactions of your Adings were and apparently Ading Linus didn't say anything while Ading Cxyrelle was watching them while they were cutting the tree.

I feel better now knowing that the tree is not completely gone. Perhaps we just have to wait until the leaves grow again. We're actually lucky because it's rainy season. They will not be able to go under the tree that much anyway.

Hayyyy, I was so upset about that thing but I am now relieved. Thank God.

Gotta go to sleep now anak as I am tired. I didn't go to bed until around three this morning and woke up at 730. I love you very much, okay? Missing  you loads.


Mommy Tintin

Our mango tree is gone!

I don't even know how to say this to you. I received a text from Papa today saying that they have cut our mango tree down. He said he was very angry when he found out about this. I didn't know how to react upon hearing the news because at one point when you left us, I wanted it to be cut down because someone told me that mosquitoes breed on trees. But then I changed my mind and thought that we would not do anything to it anymore as Inang and Tatang didn't approve of my original plan. So I was confident that the tree will be there for a long time. Little did I know that they would cut it down eventually without my knowledge.

The only reason I could think of why they cut it down is because Mama has now built a house next to the tree and perhaps it's on the way that's why they decided to cut it down. But they could have at least told me and Papa first. I can't imagine our backyard without that tree anymore. It has been there for a while and it helped us a lot. I can't even remember how that area looked like before that tree was planted. I just feel so bad that they could not just leave it because that tree has become big part of my life, our lives actually. 

I maybe over reacting to this but that tree was special. We had most of our bonding moments under that tree. That was the only place in our backyard where we hung out most of the time. It was there where everyone had fun. It was where you would normally play with your Adings and the other children. A lot of our memorable moments were spent under that tree. I have always talked about the tree because I had so much memories under it. Actually, thinking about it now, one of the reasons why people love hanging out at our house is because they love staying under the mango tree. Because for some reason the air is fresher over there and the ambiance is good. But now that it's gone, where are we going to hang out? Where are your Adings going to play? Ad where would they play tong-its? It will definitely be so hot in there now. So perhaps no one will hang out at our house anymore.

Honestly, I cried when I found out about it. It felt like another part of me has been taken away. I know it's  a silly thing to be crying over a mango tree but it played an very important part in all our lives.

That mango tree was planted by Papa's childhood friend a day or few days before he took his own life. That was the only remembrance Papa had from him.

The next time I get the chance to speak to Mama and Inang, I will ask them to plant a tree for you to replace that mango tree. I don't think they made the right decision to cut it down. I am quite upset.

I will surely miss hanging out under that tree.

So sorry anak. I know you also loved that tree. I am sure there's a purpose behind all this. Just remember that no matter what happens, I will always love you. I miss you terribly.

Mommy Tintin