Praying after sometime

I went to church this afternoon to pray for Tito JL because he will be taking his nursing board exam next weekend. He is very nervous about it. They say a little prayer sometimes helps, so I did exactly that today just in case.

Honestly, I have not really prayed seriously since you left. I don't know but I kind of lost the "trust". This is only because when Inang, Mama and I were praying for you alongside our family and friends, no one listened to us. Somehow I have doubts whether prayers do actually  work nowadays. Because as I have said before, there are a lot of people out there who probably haven't prayed in their whole life, but never ever go through what we have been through. So sometimes I can't really blame myself for asking "what's the point?". But I suprised myself when I was at the church today. I didn't know where to start. For a while I thought I have forgotten how to pray. I was just mumbling and didn't know what I was praying for. Then I started crying because I realized I haven't prayed in my knees for a while. I tried to pray for you but I really didn't know what for. I was just crying. I apologized to Him for making tampo for what happened to you. I also asked Him to please let us know sooner than later whatever reason He has for taking you. It was really hard for me to pray honestly. But eventually I think I managed to express how I felt and I hope He heard me.

I lit up candles too but I was just thinking about Tito JL's board exam. Please anak pray for him too. I want him to pass his board exam so he can find a job straight away. Remember when he told you he would buy you a car if he ever finds a job? Haha. I know it's never going to happen anymore but I know Tito will still think about that whenever he'll buy a car for himself or for anyone else.

Oh well, I think I need to get myself into praying again. I know it's not gonna be easy but I will try my best. I need your help anak.

Please continue to pray for us and pray for Tito JL. Help him so he will pass his exams.

I love you anak. Mommy misses you everyday.

Mommy Tintin

Tito Gil is finally getting married

I met up with Tito Gil and his bride to be today here in London. He is definitely getting married and I am sure you are very happy for him. You have seen how Tito pursued his past girlfriend(s) as he often took you when he was visiting them. You went as far as an hour away from our town in his jeepney just to spend time with them. And it took you as late as 10 or 11pm to get home.

I remember Tito telling me that he liked taking you wherever he went because he loved talking to you. This was even when you were just about four years old or perhaps a little older. He told me that when you were traveling with him, you would still tell him stories even though you were so quiet most of the time. And if you were inside his girlfriend's house, he would let you sit beside him with Meow perhaps and there you would keep still until he was ready to go home. No matter how long it took him there, you never cried or complained that you were tired or sleepy. Yu waited patiently and quietly until he was finished.

I bet you also remember those times.

Hayyyy, nakakamiss ka talaga. I love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

In Loving Memory by Alter Bridge

Tito JL posted the video of the song on your facebook wall and as soon as I read the first two lines of the song, I knew I will love it. Although  it was written by someone for his mother after she passed away, the message is just the same and from now on this is my other song for you.

" Thanks for all you've done

I've missed you for so long

I can't believe you're gone

You still live in me

I feel you in the wind

You guide me constantly"

Most of the time I still can't believe that you're gone. It's almost 6 months now and I am missing you more than ever before. But I know you're always with me and I have proven this so many times- during those times when I am under pressure, almost always want to give up and those times when I think I can't do anything because I am weak. I know you are there to remind me that I can do  those things because you know I can. You may not be here physically, but I can honestly feel your presence. When I talk to you, you answer back in your own little strange, silent ways. And through your life's motto, I am now able to do things that I thought I could never do. Because of you, I am stronger and because of you I know I can do anything.

"You were always there waiting

And I'll come home and I miss your face so

Smiling down on me

I close my eyes to see"

I am dreading going home next year because I don't know how it's gonna be like, knowing that there will no longer be three of you waiting for me inside the van when I arrive at the airport. It'll just gonna be your Adings. I remember one time when you took me to the airport after my vacation. I was not gonna cry but I saw you leaning on the open car window, looking at me while I was in the queue to get in and I saw your sad face so I started crying. I can still clearly remember that moment. I know it's gonna be hard going home now, but I am sure you will still be there. I know you will. And I know you will make things better for me and our family.

" And I know, you're a part me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me"

This is so true. Remember when I told you about your song only playing when I feel like giving up? This happens a lot when I am running. But there are also times  when my mind is filled with negative thoughts and all I have to do is  sing your song "Lighters", then I will feel better. It's almost like magic. There are times when your songs will just play randomly in random places. Maybe it's your way of reminding me that you're always with me. But whatever it is, be it a coincidence or not, one thing is for sure, your songs always comfort me.

"I carry the things that remind me of you

In loving memory of

The one that was so true"

Well, you probably know that I carry Meow-meow with me whenever I go to special events and places. Meow was a very special part of your life and I want it to be a special part of me too.

"And what you did you did with feeling

And you always found the meaning

And you always will"

I am sure you found meaning in everything that you have done in that short span of 11 years. As Inang and Mama would always say, you knew about a lot of things. And now that you're gone, we are the ones looking for meanings in everything that you have said and done before you were taken away.

" I'm glad He set you free from sorrow"

Sometimes it comforts me to think that perhaps God took you away to spare you from all that is evil in this world. There will no longer be suffering for you, only peace and happiness.

"I'll still love you more tomorrow

And you will be here with me still"

Indeed. For the rest of my life.

I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Tito JL's weird dream

I had a chat with Tito JL on facebook this afternoon. He apparently had this weird dream about Jesus. I thought it was about you, but it obviously wasn't. Anyway, Tito was with this old bearded man dressed in white. He said the old man looked like one of Jesus's apostles. Jesus on the other hand was nailed on the cross, but just his left hand. His right hand was free and Jesus was holding Tito's hand. Then Jesus asked the old man to get something for Him. There was a small hole on the wall and a small pendant appeared. The pendant looked like "XI". Tito doesn't know the shape of the pendant. But it was XI and the symbols were together. The I is smaller than the X.

The first thing that came to my mind was that XI in natural number is 11. So, I thought of your age because you were 11 when you were taken away. Then the other thing that I thought about was my birthday. But I am not sure what Tito's dream is all about. I asked my friend about it but the only thing she said was that Tito needs to get more closer to Jesus in view of his faith in Him. The way my friend explained it, someone will not hold your hand if they don't want you to get close to them. It does make sense that way but I know there is another meaning to that. I know it's really weird to dream about this kind of thing, but perhaps Tito was watching something related to this before he went to bed. I am really curious of his dream and I am even considering of going to a dream interpreter.

But I will see if I can call home tomorrow and ask Inang for her opinion. Tomorrow is Friday so it's skype day. I just hope that there's an electricity tomorrow so I can speak to them.

For now I gotta go to bed anak as it's late. Please remember that you're always in my thoughts. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy had a bad day

I was  gonna write something about the rainy season but I didn't get the chance to sit down and write on my supper break. And now it's late.

For the last few weeks work has been really busy and almost everyone is irritating me. Perhaps it's just stress related but sometimes it's just too much. I was very hungry and when I told somebody I needed to have supper, they didn't care. They made me do something that I couldn't say no to instead. Oh well....

So I have told my other boss that I was offered a job in london and provided that my security checks are okay then I will be leaving soon. She was pleased for me, but I hope she was honest with her feelings. I owe them a lot and I will make sure that I will make them proud. I am not forgetting that I owe them everything that I am professionally today. Oh well, apart from the fact that I was born efficient and with a lot of common sense.

I will write more tomorrow anak as I need to go back to work now.I'm really glad that you're always there to listen. I love you dearly and I miss you terribly.

Mommy Tintin

Now I can tell you all about it

Sorry anak I was not able to tell you properly all about this yesterday because I had to tell my boss first just in case someone from work reads my letters to you and found out about it here.

Basically, I went for an interview at one of the biggest and most famous hospitals in London yesterday. I was not really expecting to get the job because I didn't put so much effort on it. My excuse was that I found out about my interview the week I was in Bristol so I didn't have much time to prepare for it. But on Saturday, I made sure that I did my presentation and put more time on it than anything else. Well you know, I did a bit of research on the job and other issues, but honestly I would have put more effort on it if only I had more time. But that really doesn't matter now because I have been successful and they have offered me the job.

It was funny really because I was so nervous when I was doing my presentation that I finished in less than 5 minutes. We were only given five minutes anyway. But because I was afraid I mumbled my way thorugh it, I asked them if they understood what I was trying to convey to them and they all laughed. I apologized for speaking too fast because I always do that when I am nervous. But they said, I have told them everything that they needed to know. One of them even said that he couldn't really find anything to ask because I have told them most of it.

I am just happy that I am finally getting out of Bristol for good. With everything that I have been through in the last six months or so, I think I deserve to start afresh. Perhaps this will be better for my emotional well-being.

I am looking forward to working at this hospital and I am proud because I never ever dreant of working there. It is big and well known for their good services so I am very pleased to be a part of it soon.

I hope that the Lord will continue to guide me. And if this is one of His ways to ease the pain of losing you, then so be it. Although I know that the pain will always be there.

I know that you're always watching me from up there. I spoke to you before I went for my interview and asked you to guide me. I am very sure you did. Thank you anak and please thank God for me too.

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Could this be the beginning?

I have this ambivalent feeling towards the good things that are happening right now (and will still happen) in my life. I feel like I shouldn't be happy when things start to fall right into place. And who can blame me? Last year I was having the time of my life. I got my dream job, a bit more money, stable married life and a complete family. I couldn't have asked for more. If I was able to build a new house for you and our family, that would have been just a bonus. I almost had everything that I wanted in my life. But then sadly, you were taken away.

And now that the same thing is about to happen, I am scared that beyond another successes is another heartbreak. As much as I want to be very happy, I am holding back because of what happened last year. I don't want to be happy again and then something bad will happen, God forbid. A lot of  times when I can't help myself but be happy, I would suddenly stop and think that the last time I did that, you were taken away. So sometimes if I am laughing too much when at work, with friends or even with Daddy Don, negative thoughts come rushing through my head and then I'll stop. Perhaps this is what losing someone can do. 

I hope that this time anak will be different form last year. Remember when people said that you were taken away for a reason and that we will see within the next two years good things will start happening to us? I truly hope so, because even if no better thing can replace you, I am still hoping that somehow we will find the reason why you were taken away.

Today, I hope I made you proud up there. I know God helped me and you too. Although I was hopeful, I was not expecting to be given that opportunity. So I hope that this time it will be better and that this will be the beginning of something beautiful and new. With the Lord's grace....

By the way, Tito JL had a centipede in his room the other night and he didn't know what to do with it because he was scared. Then I told him to kill it. Papa then found out about it too and so did Mama, and they both said not to kill it, but just to get rid of it because you wouldn't have wanted to kill it. So Tito flushed it in the sink, haha! So sorry anak I forgot that you didn't kill anything that had life even if they could be harmful. Next time, I know what to say and do.

Are you missing me? I bet you do. If only I can speak to you on skype again and tell you how handsome you are. I am missing you so much.

I love you.

Mommy Tintin