If Darwin could talk

I was reminded of Darwin (your gold fish) when I read Tito JL's post about his fish committing suicide as it apparently jumped off the aquarium. I honestly haven't thought of Darwin recently because I have been pre-occupied with other things. When I read Tito's post, I suddenly panicked because I didn't know if Darwin was still alive or not anymore. I'm sure if anything happened to him, Mama would have told me. So I was positive that he was still alive.

Mama told me that Darwin has been quite sensitive lately. I actually laughed when Mama told me about it because I found it cute the way she said it. It's as if Darwin is really human. How does she know that a fish has become sensitive? Well apparently, Darwin wants to be greeted every morning just like what you were doing to him when you were here. If Mama or anyone doesn't do it then he won't eat. They have to hold him first before he eats. He apparently wants attention all the time. I'm sure if Darwin could talk, he would tell them that he misses you. Because when you were here, you treated him like a person. You would speak to him every morning and you made sure that he was fed before you went to school. I'm sure Darwin is longing for the same treatment from them that's why he has become sensitive. See, even your pets can feel your absence. I asked Mama to take a photo of Darwin because I want to see him too, but the one Mama sent is a bit blurry. She said she will take another one tomorrow. For the meantime, here's Darwin:

Ha, I just realized that the photo looks like a painting. As you can see, Darwin has grown since you last saw him.

I'm sure you miss Darwin too. He misses you too and we miss you. Love you, Keith.

Mommy Tintin

The violin sign

After Daddy and I watched the Field of Dreams yesterday, we went out for a walk. When I opened the door there was a business card on the floor and it was from someone who teaches violin. If I haven't told you already, I have been thinking of learning the violin for a few months now. My only problem is that it's quite expensive and at the moment I need to focus on saving money to buy a house and to build a house back home. I would really love to learn to play the violin though. One thing that I could probably do is learn via youtube. I guess that's the cheapest way to do it.

Another problem I have is that I don't have a violin. I am planning to buy one the next time I go home because it's cheaper over there. Ah, that's one thing I need to do.

Well, I keep thinking that maybe that business card is a sign that you want me to learn the violin. I will keep that in mind. But I would really love to learn the violin, maybe not now but one day.

I really don't believe in signs, but if this is the way you want to relay your messages to me, then please anak, feel free to do it. I know that as angels in heaven, you have so many ways on telling your loved ones what you want them to know.

I miss you so badly and i love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Field of dreams

Daddy and I were watching the film "Field of Dreams" this morning and we both cried in some scenes. It is a story about a corn farmer who could hear voices. The voice told him that if "he builds a baseball field he will come". And when he did build the field, the ghosts of some players started playing there. The catch of the film for me was when he saw his father among the players. As a young kid, him and his father used to play catch and then suddenly when he turned 14, he refused to play catch with his father again. Then he went away and when he came back, his father was gone and he wasn't able to say sorry to him. So, when he saw his father's ghost, they played catch. That scene made me cry. 

Then I started daydreaming again. How I wish I could hear voices too, and I hope that the voice will ask me to build a stage or a studio so you could come back and use it. Imagine if I see you playing the violin with other musicians who have passed away? Or paint in the studio with Ate Maningning or even Lolo Monet and other artists? How cool would that be? But one thing that I would like to do as well is to "ease the pain", just like in the movie when the voice told Ray (the main character) to do that. While Ray didn't know which pain of whom to ease, I am certain about mine. First of all I will ease your pain and Tatang's. It would be nice if you appear to Tatang so you can maybe play baseball (or anything), just like in the movie. I know when you were with us you really never played with him. It was more of you avoiding him than wanting to play with him. Besides, he never got to say sorry to you too when you left. I'm sure if he only knew that you were going to leave him soon, he would have asked for your forgiveness. So, I thought that the idea of the film is good. You know I can build a stage in our farm, or build a studio under one of our mango trees in the field? Just let me know and I will do it for you. And I am hoping that when it happens, you will get to speak to Tatang and play with him. Hayyyy, how I wish movies happen in real life. It would be so lovely to see you and speak to you again. I'm sure Mama and Inang would really love that.

Well, I guess I'll just have to keep on dreaming that one day we'll get to see you play the violin and paint again. I know you can't stay with us anymore, but even just to see you would be really good.

We miss you loads and we love you so much. Please visit us soon.

Mommy Tintin

What is easy for some may not be easy for us

A lot of times, people are telling us to move on and look at the brighter side of things. I know it is easy for them to say that because they haven't lost a child. I always wonder how would they feel if what happened to us, happens to them. Would they also like to hear us say, "move on"? I know I also say those words, but not to someone who has lost somebody. I can't even think of anything to say to them. I always just say sorry to hear that and give the person a hug or hold their hand to let them know that I am there for them. Never did I tell anybody to "move on" from losing someone they absolutely loved. And when I say this, I mean loved ones whom they will never see ever again.

This is the reason why I become so sensitive when I hear people say that to me or mama, or Inang or anyone in our family. People cope with things differently. It probably is easy for them to move on, but it may not be necessarily easy for us. After all, you were not just a child. You were extraordinary. How can people easily tell us to move on? Wouldn't they feel the same if they were in our shoes? Yes, life must go on and we know that. As much as we are hurting, we are trying our best to live normally. It's never easy but we are trying. 

You know what? I know that we have to move on and I have realized in the past that we need to do.  But hearing the words "move on" from other people kind of hurts. I don't know why. Maybe it's just be being sensitive and all. After all, I wrote about moving on on my early days of grieving.

Personally, in my journey to recovery from losing you, I would rather people not say anything when they find out about you. I would rather them be quiet and acknowledge my pain. I don't need advice on what I need to do especially from those who has not walked in my shoes. All I need is someone who is willing to listen to my stories about you. Yes, someone who can listen. That's all I need.

It's true that people will never understand us. I am just glad that I have people around who gives me exactly what I need. I just hope that some people will stop telling us to move on, because the truth is it's hard to move on. I know some people who take years to move on from breaking up with a boyfriend or from a divorce, what more from losing a child? Do some people actually realize that? Well, perhaps they won't until they lose a child. Then they will understand what I'm talking about.

I know it's almost a year since you left us and people will expect that we would have moved on by now. We are probably getting better at living our lives without you, but we haven't completely moved on yet.

We are missing you everyday. How I wish you were still with us. We love you so much and no matter what happens, you will always be in our hearts.

Mommy Tintin

The signs

I asked Mama earlier if she noticed anything different from you in your last days with them. Mama told me that you were already telling them some weird things but she ignored it. She didn't pay that much attention to anything that you were saying. But looking back now, perhaps you were already saying goodbye to them.

Around this time last year, Mama said that you were telling them stories and that you were always happy. All you wanted was to be happy, so you avoided those who hurt your feelings. 

You were also telling them about the end of the world. Funny right? But I know you read it somewhere, knowing that you enjoyed reading on the internet. You also mentioned about water, floods - that there will be water and a lot of people will die. Perhaps that was your prophecy and of course, naturally, they didn't believe you. One thing that really surprised me is when you apparently told Mama that we were not going to have a good start for the year 2012. Did you know then that you were leaving us? That you were the reason why we won't have a good start? If you only told us then we would have done something about it. Well, I am hoping we could have. But perhaps I could have asked Papa Jesus to lend you to us for a bit longer. I just thought, you know.

Another sign perhaps was when you started giving your stuff to your Adings, asking them to look after them. You also told your Adings to be good and not to ask Mama or Inang to buy anything that's not important. You even wanted Papa to go home and not to work abroad anymore. You apparently wanted to be with Papa and so that the family will be complete.

On your last few days, you wanted to go to your favourite noodle house frequently. I bet you miss that, huh?! Now I wonder what angels eat. :)

Oh, you also wanted to go to Ilocos so you could be with Tatang Cardo and your cousins over there because you were missing them.

All this and more anak. Too bad none of us really paid attention ti whatever you were saying. We just thought that it was normal to hear things like that from an 11 year old. If only we knew.....

We love you so much Keith and I know in my heart you loved us too. We are missing you so much and the day is very near. I am  really sad.

Mommy Tintin

What about an exhibition?

The moment I found out that you could paint, I started dreaming for you. I dreamed that one day, you will have your own art exhibition like those artists that Daddy and I admire. That one day, you will have your own art gallery in our town so people can freely look at your paintings. Even now that you're no longer here, I never stopped dreaming. I know someday, my dream- your dream will somehow come true.

And today I received a good news from Mama. When you left, Sir C from Casa said that they were going to hold an exhibition in your memory. That was in the summer. But then for some reason, we lost touch and I thought it was all forgotten. I must admit that I was a bit sad about it because I was looking forward to that moment. But then, apparently his secretary went to our house today to ask if they could borrow five of your paintings, or at least two for an exhibition at the Ayala Mall in Olongapo. Mama said that they somehow hesitated to ask for the paintings before because they thought we won't lend it to them, that's why they never asked again until today. Little did they know that we are more than willinf to lend them your paintings because I know that we can always be proud of them.

You have no idea how that news made me so happy. Well, although it's not fully confirmed yet, my hopes are high. This is a very pleasant surprise and I am really hoping and praying that it will push through. Let's wait and see. For the mean time though, here are five of your paintings that I really, really love:

I think this is everyone's favourite. There is something on this painting that captures the eyes of some people.

I asked you to paint Monet's Water Lily, but you ended up making your own. One thing that I noticed about you, you didn't like copying paintings. You had your own interpretation of things.

The Lighthouse

 How I wish I know the story behind your every painting.

Remember I told you that one of my favourite paintings is the Sunflower by Van Gogh? I remember asking you to google it and then paint it for me. It's quite obvious that you didn't want to paint a dying flower because you painted the opposite. 

This painting was Daddy Don's request.  This is your version of one of Miro's paintings- "Woman and Dog beneath the Moon". Just like the other paintings I asked you to copy, you changed something on the painting.

See, if only they allowed you to stay longer with us, you could have done more beautiful paintings. But never mind, although your not here, your paintings will live forever and Mama and I will make sure that they are taken good care of.

I am so excited for the exhibition. I hope they won't change their minds. I am so proud of you. I love and miss you baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

As the New Year starts....

I want you to know that I am very much thinking of you. And to start the new year, I would like to share this poem (that I found from grieving mothers) with you.

If we could visit heaven,

Even for a day

Maybe for a moment,

the pain would go away.

I'd put my arms around you,

and whisper words so true,

that living life without you,

is the hardest thing to do.

No matter how we spend our days,

no matter what we do,

No morning dawns or evening falls,

When we don't think of you.

I will try to make this year better than the last. I'm sure this is what you want me to do anyway. I'm sure you want us all to move on and be happy. It has been so difficult for the last year, but I will try my best to make this year a little lighter for us. Well, I'll try. I think that's all I can I do.

I am hoping and praying that this year will be different. You know there's one thing that I only wish for. I'm sure you know what it is. Can you please ask God to help us anak? 

I love you so much and I am missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin