Your Kite

 21 January 2012 - The first and last time you flew a kite. Mama said that you've always wanted to have a kite, but for some reason you never got round to it. Perhaps because Papa was not around so you really didn't have anyone to play it with. But this time, Tito Junjun made the frame for you, and you and Mama did the rest.

I was so happy to see you fly a kite because I have never seen you fly one before. But what really surprised me was seeing you and Tatang play together. For the longest time, I have never seen you play with him. I know Tatang make lambing to you and your Adings in a very different way. Most of the time, you misinterpreted as he was trying to tease you or something, but that's just him. He loves teasing you and that's how he showed his affection to you. But I know that you didn't get that and I don't blame you. Besides, Tatang really didn't spent much time with you when you were still here. I know anak that at your age, you understood a lot of things when it came to family matters. At a very young age, you knew when there was something wrong in the house. And knowing you, you really didn't express how you feel that much. You kept it inside you and sometimes Inang and Mama would just tell me that you said things as if you actually were going through something. You would say that Tatang didn't love you. That he loved his pets more than you because he spent (and still spends) more time in the farm than with you and your Adings. Since you thought about those things, you kept a distance from him. So it was so nice to see you flying your kite together.

For me at that time, these photos were a sight to behold. But looking back now, I realized that perhaps this was your way of saying goodbye to Tatang. This was also probably your way of telling him that you have forgiven him for whatever pain he may have caused you. Tatang obviously didn't realized this, that's why he was so hurt when you left. He never really showed his true emotions but Inang has caught him crying on his own a few times. I know he is still suffering from your loss. Maybe at that time he was thinking that that was a beginning of his new relationship with you, little did he know that that was the last time he was ever going to play with you.

Apart from flying your kite, that day was also the last time you hang out with your "fraternity" - Tito JL, Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle. I studied your last photos and I can see mixed emotions on your face. One thing is for sure though, you have lost some weight and it seems like you still had the mumps.

 

I am just so glad that Mama was able to capture these memories. They mean so much to me. And just like your kite, which Ading Linus said could fly high in 30 seconds, you have proven to us a lot of times that you could soar high. In fact you soared high above the clouds.

We miss you so much everyday. Thank you for the memories. We will forever cherish our good and bad times with you. We love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy Tintin

A snowman for you....

Today anak is another bad day for me, so Daddy and I went out in the park and played in the snow. I was going to bring Meow with me as it's her first snow experience here, but I didn't want her to get wet. It was also very cold outside.

I am hoping and praying that things will start to get better soon because this is getting too much for me to take. I'm having chest pains and headaches thinking about it.

Anyway, here's our snowman for you:

It was my first time to make a snowman and I really enjoyed it.

Please anak ask God to make things okay now. I don't know what else to do. I love you so much and I'm sure you will guide us always. I miss you little boy.

Mommy Tintin

Your last weekend

This was your last weekend with the family, and I feel so low because my mind is also pre-occupied with some stuff that are really disappointing. If only I could speak my mind out loud, I would scream and tell the world exactly how I feel. I don't know what else I can do for this person to realize that what he's doing is not helping anyone at all. I don't know why there are people like that in this world. Just as when you thought they will have a little remorse because of what happened to you, they seem to be making things worse.

As much as I would like to say something, I need to protect the people that I care about. It's really hard because I feel helpless. I am so far away. What does it really take for someone to have a change of heart? Is losing you not enough for someone to realize that life is too short and instead of giving everyone heartaches, that they should just show them they care? Not even that, perhaps respect would actually be better. 

I am having chest pains thinking about all theses things. As much as I don't really want to think about it because I am already fed up, I can't just leave the people that matters to me. If only it's easy to just forget about everybody and just think of myself, I would have done it ages ago.

I am so sorry anak. I know I shouldn't be telling you all about this because I know that you're already peaceful wherever you are, but I don't think I have anyone to talk to about this right now. There are a lot of things going on in my head and if I start talking to other people, I may say something that I may regret in the end. For now, talking to you is my best therapy because I know you're listening to me.

I am trying to keep the faith that things will somehow get better. I am not sure what God wants me to do, but sometimes I feel like losing it. I don't know if I should keep believing. 

I'm sure you know what's inside my heart, and I know you're doing something about what I am going through. You don't really have to anak. I'm sure I'll be fine, and so will everyone else. I just need you to watch over us.

I love you very much and missing you more each day.

Mommy Tintin

Papa's finally home

Please thank Father God for keeping Papa safe on his journey home. He arrived home around 1am. Mama and Tito JL picked him up from the airport. There was a delay apparently because the bus had a flat tire. So Daddy Henry and Tito Nonong picked them up in Olongapo.

I phoned home few hours before they arrived and I spoke to Ading Cxyrelle. She was excited to see Papa. But I'm sure she was more excited of her pasalubongs. Haha. Ading sounded smart. I think she's going to grow up a smart lady. I hope that doesn't change though.

I spoke briefly to Papa when they arrived home. Your Adings were already asleep. Well, Ading Linus woke up and Papa carried him up to their room because they fell asleep with Inang while waiting for Papa.

I'm excited to speak to your Adings tomorrow, especially Ading Cxrylle. I'm sure she has a lot to say.

Well, this weekend was your last with us last year. Ten days more and it's the saddest day. Time has flown really, really fast. :(

I love you so very much anak ko. Missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Kuya G

I came across Kuya G when he tagged Casa San Miguel in one of his photos. I actually liked all the photos he posted so I thought I would add him as a friend on facebook. Luckily he accepted my invite. I have since wanted to ask him about you. He may know you as he is associated with Casa and I thought he was working there. I really didn't have the guts to send him a message until last night when I was looking at one of his art work.

So I told him a little bit about you and then I asked if he knew you. He told me that he only started teaching in Casa last year, so he doesn't know you. You missed each other by a year. But he was so nice and he allowed me to talk a bit more about you and then I asked if I could show him your paintings. Remember when I said that only an artist or someone who is passionate about art can give a good interpretation of a painting? I thought Kuya G is a good artist and I'm sure he would have the eye for a painting. He was ever so nice that he took time to look at your paintings and then he got back to me saying that you were good. He even told me to be thankful because we had you. He also wanted to know how old you were when you painted those, but I could only tell him that you started painting when you were 9. There were dates behind your paintings but I really can't remember everything.

It made me really proud when he said that we were lucky to have you and that he wished he could have met you. My heart melted once more when he said that because you see, even just through your photos and your paintings, people want to meet you. Even when I tell stories about you to some friends who haven't even met you, they tell me the same. And for that, thank you for being the son that we could all be proud of.

Kuya G has an exhibit at the Casa in March. Too bad Daddy and I won't be there to see it. I would have loved to go. But I will tell Mama about it. I'm sure she would be interested. 

Hayyy, if only you didn't leave us then you will be meeting more artists. Never mind, I'm sure you have met better ones up there. :)

I love you so much anak. Missing you as always.

Mommy Tintin

Reluctant Believer

I grew up with a strong faith in God. Ama Berto (Inang's father) was a religious person, so we were taught to pray the rosary in the evenings and go to church on Sunday. Besides,  I went to Catholic schools. I don't know if I mentioned to you before that I was also a Cathechist when I was in High school. I taught grade school pupils from Central West and Sto. Thomas about Jesus. I used to read the Bible every weekend. Of course I went to church also on Wednesdays for the Novena and Sundays for the mass. It was a school requirement of course, but I was very religious anyway. 

I used to pray a lot, especially when someone was in trouble or we were having family problems. Not that we had a lot, but Inang was not well for sometime and no one knew what was wrong with her. So I always prayed to God to heal Inang and eventually, a doctor found out what was wrong with her. She underwent a major operation and she was a lot better ever since. I have always believed in answered prayers. In fact, until you left, I couldn't remember anything that I asked God that He didn't give me. That may be  a lie actually, but even when He didn't answer my prayers something good always came up. I used to write letters to God and put them under my pillow. For some reason I believed that when I do that, He would hear my prayers.

For the last 11 years, I was living the best years of my life. I had my dream job, everyone was healthy and we were complete as a family. Well sometimes Tatang was pasaway but that was okay, because we were all still together. The only thing that was missing I thought was a house for you and for Daddy and I, and then my life would have been close to perfection. 

But then the day came when I was desperate for an answered prayer and God didn't hear me, or so I believe. I was so helpless, I was willing to do anything God wanted me to do just to save you. But I heard nothing. Instead, He took you. And that's when I questioned my faith, God and everyone else. 

I am slowly trying to bring  that faith 100%, but I will be lying if I say I am not reluctant because I still am. If you or God can tell me why you were taken away, then I may easily go back to what I used to be. But until then, I will perhaps remain a reluctant believer.

Twelve more days before the day that changed our lives forever. It's getting harder and harder relieving those moments, but I know I have to be strong in order to find closure.

You are loved my baby, please never forget that. I miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Our Daily Bread

When I was in University, I made sure to read "Our Daily Bread" everyday. But when I came to England, I stopped buying the little book. Until late last year, when I found out that there is an iphone app for it. One of my new year's resolution is to read Our Daily Bread regularly. So far, I have not missed a day but it is too early to say.

I am writing about this now because today, something I read kind of opened my mind a little bit and I would like to share it with you.

There's Power by Anne Cetas

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

When my sister found our she had cancer, I asked my friends to pray. When she had surgery, we prayed that the surgeon would be able to remove all the cancer and that she wouldn't have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. And God answered yes! When I reported the news, one friend remarked, "I'm si glad there's power in prayer." I responded, "I'm thankful that God answered with a yes this time."

James says that "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much". But does "effective" and "fervent" mean the harder we pray, or the more people we ask to pray, the more likely God is to answer with a yes? I've had enough "no" and "wait" answers to wonder about that.

Prayer is powerful, but it's such a mystery. We're taught to have faith, to ask earnestly and boldly, to persevere, to be surrendered to His will. Yet God answers in His wisdom and His answers are best. I'm just thankful that God wants to hear our hearts and that no matter the answer, He is still good.

I like Ole Hallesby's words: "Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only those who are helpless can truly pray.... Your helplessness is your best prayer." We can do helplessness quite well."

Tomorrow, I will let you know what I think about this. I was going to do it now, but this letter will be too long.

Please know that you're always in my thoughts. I love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin