The first time I met your friends

31 January 2012- Mama told me that since you left, your friends have been going to our house everyday, sometimes even twice a day. So after class they all came to the house. I was actually surprised because suddenly there were kids passing by me while I sat few feet away from your eternal bed. The first I noticed was a small, quite thin kid with sunglasses on his head. Then he was followed by a taller and a bit chunkier kid and they were quite noisy. Mama said, " here they are, they're Keith's friends". I had to think for a second. I was like, "how could Keith be friends with them? They are far more confident than Keith. He must be so out place." But Mama reassured me that they got along very well and they loved hanging out with you even if you really were that quiet. So, Mama introduced me to them. They were all polite, which I really loved. They had me when they said "po". The girls came from our front door. They were pushing each trying, trying to get to you first. They were really fun to watch. Seeing them happy and playful at the same made me miss you so much more. I wished you've never left.

I jokingly asked who among them was your girlfriend. I'm sure anak you were really embarrassed at that time. I know you really didn't want to be teased about having crushes and stuff like that. Anyway, one of them shyly said, "ako po", and everyone burst out laughing. Another girl said, " no you're not" and  told us that there were a lot of girls who had a crush on you. In fact, your friend said you left a lot of widows. And then they started talking to you as if you were there. They said that you were guwapo. One of them kissed you and claimed that finally she has kissed you. I was so happy seeing your friends like that. They were hugging your eternal bed because they wanted to hug you. Your little friend was even asking you to get up so you could swim together. You have good friends anak and I like them.

Then it was time to pray the rosary and they all wanted to sit next to me. In between praying the rosary, they were telling me that I was beautiful and that they already loved me. Some of them were holding my hand and kissing me. I wished at that time that I met them sooner, so I could have seen how you were like around them.

Your bestfriend Aga came later in the afternoon. He too was quiet, just like you. I could see the sadness in his eyes. I hugged him when I saw him and couldn't help but cry. I can't imagine losing a bestfriend. It must also have been difficult for him.

There were a lot of children at that time. Most of them talked about how mabait you were. The children who saw your paintings admire your talent. Some of said wanted to be like Kuya Keith. "Ang galing, galing ni Kuya Keith" was all you could here. Some of them were just silently staring at your paintings. Others kept asking if you really painted those. They were obviously in awe. I was a very proud Mommy.

I am really glad to get to know your friends and I am hoping to stay in touch with them even if you're no longer here.

I love you so much anak. Missing you.

Mommy Tintin

Reality Sucks

30 January 2012 - We met Papa at the airport because we arrived on the same day, just a couple of hours apart. When I saw him, I gave him a very tight hug. My tears were falling, but Papa remained strong. He just said, " It already happened. We can't do anything anymore. We just have to accept it." I admired Papa for being so strong, but I was also worried that he probably was just holding back. I know he had to be strong for Mama and your Adings, but I also believed that it was okay for him to cry. That arrival was very unusual as it was only Tito JL who came to pick us up from our family. It was far from the usual where you and your Adings and Inang and Mama would be waiting inside the car.

The journey always seemed long when you're eager to go home. Inside the car, we talked about you but there were no tears. We only talked about happy memories, but Tito JL was very quiet. I knew he was in a lot of pain because he was there when everything happened.

We decided to get off at Mama E's house because there were a lot of people in the street in front of our house, so we took the back entrance. Auntie V was the first one to greet us. As soon as I saw her, I cried. She hugged me and told me to be strong.I wanted Papa and I to be together when we entered the house. We were holding hands and the squeeze got tighter and tighter as we got closer to you. People were staring at us. I have imagined the whole thing.

That was the most painful moment ever. It was as if my heart was being pierced. I couldn't believe that the next time I saw you, you would be sleeping so peacefully. As soon as Mama saw us, she went to Papa and started screaming again. I could feel the pain in her cry. It was so painful that I still cry whenever I think of that moment. And then she came to me crying and said , "our son is gone, our son is gone". We hugged for few minutes and I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, that we all had to be strong. Inang was already crying when I saw her. I couldn't really think of anything to tell her. Who really would want to see a grandchild go before you? Your grandchildren should be taking you to resting place and not the other way around. They were into pieces. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to comfort them. And then Tatang came, so did your Adings. Tatang wasn't crying but I could feel  his pain. It was beyond explanation. I cried more when your Adings came to me. I felt so helpless. Their eyes said everything that I needed to know.

When everyone calmed down, Papa and I stayed beside you. He was telling you about the stuff that he brought for you and that he will have to give it to Ading Lye. I'm sure you wouldn't have said no, knowing you. I also bought you your favourite perfume.

You had so many visitors that night anak ko and a lot of beautiful stories about you emerged. It was so overwhelming that even those people we didn't know came to see you and each had a story to tell. Most of them, they knew you because their grandchildren talked about you when you were still with us. 

Those and more stories to come. I am missing you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Our Flight

29 January 2012 - We were finally on our way home. The plane was kind of full, luckily there was only me and Daddy in our row because I couldn't stop crying. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't want to eat anything. I just couldn't take in any food. I usually sleep on the plane the whole time, but I couldn't sleep at that time. I was thinking about you. Everything felt so unreal. I kept asking why did it happen to you? What did go wrong? Of course I didn't get any answer. 

That flight felt the longest I've ever took. It was about a 13-hour flight and I could't wait to get home to you. I also haven't spoken to Mama and Inang. It was only Papa that I was communicating with because I was sure that if I spoke to either Inang or Mama, we would all break down, so I avoided that. 

We would arrive on Monday afternoon and I just couldn't believe that you were gone.

30 January 2012 was the reality, and it sucked. In fact it still sucks whenever I recall that very first time I saw you in your eternal bed. I wanted to pass out.

But hey, you gave us the strength that we needed. And please thank Father God and Papa Jesus for keeping us strong.

I miss you terribly. I love you dear boy.

Mommy Tintin

January 28: Then and Now

January 28, 2012 - Our Journey Home

All I wanted that day was to go home so I could see you. While I was packing, I was already imagining what it was like to go home and see you in your eternal bed, instead of you coming to me and giving me a big hug. I couldn't imagine it, it was the most difficult thing. 

Daddy and I left for the airport quite early. Our flight was supposedly at 1120am. I fell asleep on the plane even before it took off. When I woke up three hours later, we were still on the ground. Daddy told me that there was a problem, then they made an announcement that we won't be able to fly anymore because they didn't manage to sort out the gas leak so we had to get off the plane. This news didn't actually help, but maybe there was a reason for it too. But why on the day that I needed so badly to go home? Kind of weird, right? So, Daddy and I had to find a new flight. We had to queue for at least three hours before we could speak to anyone. During that time, I met three different group of people- all trying to go home because they too lost a loved one. One of them was crying and was insistent that she should be given the priority because she had to go home. I was thinking, so am I. I have just lost my child and I need to go home soon too. When it was our turn to be served at the counter, they told us that there were no more flights available on the same day. But I told them that I've just lost you and that I needed to go home as soon as possible. The ladies were very helpful. I knew they tried their best to get us to the earliest flight possible, but there was none until the following day. Daddy and I had to stay at the hotel for a night. Maybe it was a good thing because that meant that we would be arriving in the Manila almost at the same time as Papa.......

I later on heard different stories about this fateful day. All of them were equally heartbreaking. Inang apparently didn't know that you were gone, so she planned to go to the hospital to bring you food on her own. While she was waiting for a bus, Tito Gil phoned Mama Es to tell her that we have lost you. No one knew about it as yet. Apparently Inang couldn't get hold of Mama but she never thought that something bad may have happened to you. So Mama Es ran to our house screaming that you were gone. Tatang was alone in the house. It must be so difficult for them because they had to hear it from Tito Gil. And so Tatang went to pick up Inang from the highway. Inang was wondering why Tatang was taking her home. It took a lot of courage for Tatang to tell her that you've left us forever. Of course, Inang broke down. I don't know what else happened to Inang after that. Meanwhile, Daddy Henry was campaigning for someone when he received Mama Es's text and apparently he broke down in tears and had to be sent home. Mama Es said later on that he has never seen Daddy Henry cry so much, even when they lost Tito Ryan.

It was also your friend A's birthday. You were meant to be there. Mama told me that A's grandmother went to the market to buy food for A's birthday and she heard from people over there that you were gone. So A's grandmother went home instead and broke the sad news to your friends. As you would expect, they were in shock. Apparently whenever their phone rang, they hoped that it was you to tell them that you were going to A's party. But obviously not. After they had something to eat, they went to our house to wait for you. Imagine what your young friends had to go through that day. 

Not to mention your Adings. This is one thing that we never really talked about. My heart broke for them the moment I found out what happened. I didn't know how they would take the bad news. Who would tell them? How would anyone tell them? I was so worried about them. I know how much your Adings loved you and to suddenly not have you in their lives was beyond my imagination. My heart still breaks whenever I think about that. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to hug them very tight. But I wasn't there.

January 28,2013 - One Year On

Believe me, as I am writing this I feel like I am still living in that moment of disbelief. The pain remains as intense as it was a year ago. 

But you know exactly how to make this day easier for all of us. You actually already made today a K Lighter Day even before any of us did. You made us all proud once again. Just in time for your first angelversary, Casa featured five of your paintings at their exhibit in Harbor Point, Subic. Anak, you have no idea how it made us all proud. That was a dream come true. And thank you for making this day a K Lighter day!

As you probably know already, I phoned home a lot of times today. I wanted to be with our family even if I am miles away. It's always a pleasure to know that a lot of people joined our family in celebrating your life on earth. I'm sure a lot of stories about you were heard again. It's actually good because it's also an opportunity for us to tell them about your paintings.

Your friends and your teachers were there too. Too bad I was not able to speak to them....

Today is also another K Lighter Day. A few of my friends participated again just like last year whwen we celebrated your first angel birthday. I will write about it separately.

You know anak, we miss you so much. You will always be in our thoughts. You will never be forgotten. We love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

The phone call that shook my world

27 Jabuary 2012- When I phoned Mama that morning, she told me that they finally have decided to give you blood. Apparently, they were looking for blood donors so they could directly transfuse you but everyone who volunteered were either tired, under nourished or not your blood type. Even Tito JL who, the last time he had his blood type checked was the same as yours, suddenly had a different blood type. Until now I still understand how did that happen. Obviously there was a mistake somewhere. And because they couldn't find a suitable blood donor, they had no choice than to buy blood from Olongapo which is at least an hour and a half away from Iba. It was Tatang and Tito Joseph who went to buy blood. For some reason Mama found out later that day that there was actually a blood available for the patient next door. No one though about it until few hours later. So they borrowed the blood for the meantime. I was relieved to know that at least something was happening. I couldn't go out the house until I was reassured that you were fine. Mama told me that you were more pinkish that you were before they gave you blood and that you were feeling better.

That day Inang and your Adings also visited. I briefly spoke to Inang and she was also pleased that you felt better. Your Adings were playing outside because apparently you didn't like them being noisy inside your room. Of course they missed you anak that's why they were all over you. Perhaps you were in pain at that time because you really didn't want to be touched although you didn't mind the nurses poking needles on you.

That afternoon, I met up with Daddy and a friend and we had dinner at our favourite Viatnamese restaurant. On our way home, I called Mama. That time I felt something different in her voice. For some reason, I could feel weakness in her voice and then she broke down. She said she was tired seeing you like that. Although she said she never really saw you suffer because you didn't show it to her and that you didn't complain about anything, she could feel that you were suffering. All the time that you were sick, I never heard Mama speak to me like that. And the fact that she was crying made me think that something horrible has happened. 

Anyway, when we got home Papa called me to say that he wanted to go home to see you. I reassured him that everything will be fine now that you have been transfused with blood. But he was worried that something bad would happen to you. I somehow thought about that too, but I was trying to be positive. After all, you were receiving the right treatment.

Before I went to bed, maybe around 1030 at night I called Mama again. I asked her if you have been okay with the blood and if you were short of breath. She said you had oxygen but you were more comfortable without it. She also said that you were no longer passing blood in your stool, but the doctors prescribed some laxatives apparently to help get rid of any old blood. I found that weird but I was also pre-occupied with other things so I really didn't think about it that much.

Around 1130 pm (0730 in the Philippines) I was still trying to get some sleep but for some reason, I was having palpitations. I felt something weird, so I phoned Mama. For the first time, she didn't answer her phone right away. I then called Tito JL, but he only didn't pick up, and so did Tito Junjun. I also tried calling my friend's mobile but he too didn't answer. I started to panic. My instinct was telling me that there was something wrong, so I called the hospital. It took them sometime to answer the phone. I was already in a real state of panic when the nurse picked up the phone. She couldn't tell me exactly what was going on, she had to call the other nurse. I overheard her  saying, " Keith's Mommy from London is on the phone, what should I tell her?". The moment I heard that I started crying. My mind started visualizing things. And when the nurse told me that they brought you upstairs, I knew you were in ITU. I just knew it. Then Tito JL finally took the phone. At this point I was already shaking. I remember asking Tito JL if you were on the ventilator, or if they were doing CPR on you, or if you were being defibrillated - I just wanted to know what they were doing with you. But Tito JL couldn't tell me. He said he didn't see what was going on. So I told him I'd call again, but I was in such a state that I wanted to pack my things and go home. I was crying as if I have already lost you. Daddy was trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. But I knew in my heart something bad was happening to you.

And then I called again and this time I spoke to Tito Junjun.  He couldn't speak to me properly because maybe he was also in shock. Tito JL was apparently with you. But what really broke my heart was hearing Mama screaming in the back ground. She was calling out to God to save you. She was like, "yung anak ko, yung anak ko, tulungan niyo yung anak ko" (my son, my son, help my son). For Mama to be crying and screaming like that, it could only mean one thing. Tito Junjun had to put the phone down because he had to attend to Mama. I told him I would call back again but my world was starting to fall into pieces. I could feel my heart breaking in two. It was so painful listening to Mama like that. I felt so helpless. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I wanted to be there.

Few minutes later, my phone rang and it was my friend. Even before I picked up the phone I have expected the worst. I knew it was hard for him too but he had to do it. His first words were, " I'm so sorry Naneng, your son is gone. We did our best. He fought until the end.We even had worse cases than him, but why your son?". He also told me that you lost about a litre of blood. I was so calm speaking to him, I couldn't understand why. I told him he didn't have to say sorry and that it wasn't their fault. I was just thankful that they did their best to save you. I told him I had to go because I wanted to go home and he said sorry again. Few minutes later, Papa called. Papa was very calm. He just said, "Wala na si Keith Ading. Sayang na bata." And then we just talked about what time we were going home and stuff like that. 

While I was packing our stuff, Daddy Don was looking for flights. By that time, I have stopped crying. You know when you're in shock that you can't cry anymore? That was me. I was so numb. I was speaking to you out loud while I was packing. The reality set in. I have lost you forever and nothing could ever explain the pain I was feeling at that time. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment I knew I will never be the same again. I knew a big part of me has been taken away. And I knew that a missing piece will never be replaced. I knew that my life has changed forever.

I knew from that moment on, I will be missing you everyday of my life. from the, now and until forever I will love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Two days before the day

26 January 2012 - I was finally on a day off and I managed to call Mama as often as every hour to check on you. Mama said that you were okay but still having headaches and you still had the fever. Your platelet apparently has fallen, but it was not low enough for the doctors to worry. Mama told me that they had difficulty taking your bloods. She said they have been trying more than once. I could feel your pain anak while Mama was telling me all about this. I do take bloods on older people at work and I feel so sorry for them everytime I miss it because I know it's very painful. I could imagine you perhaps cringing or even crying when they were doing that to you. But Mama told me that you never moaned when they were taking your blood. You basically just didn't show any signs that you were in pain. You didn't even say a word. 

While I was talking to Mama that day, I could hear you from the background. You wanted to go to the toilet. Although you had a bedpan, you didn't want to use it. No matter how weak you may have been, you still walked to the toilet with all the IV fluids and stuff. I had to put the phone down a bit while Mama attended to you.

When I phoned again, I managed to speak to you briefly. I asked you how you were and you said, "okay lang po". I asked you if you were in any pain, you said just your headache. You denied any other pain. I couldn't help but cry listening to you. You were such a brave boy. How could you possibly took all the pain without a single complaint? Mama said you never showed them that you were in pain. The only thing that Mama noticed was that you clenched your fist at times. That probably was your way of showing your pain. But apart from that, nothing. You didn't even cry. Not even once. Not even when they were poking you with those horrible needles multiple times. This is the same reason why doctors loved you because whenever they gave you injections, you never fought them and you never cried.

I was relieved somehow because Mama told me that the doctors were apparently happy with your progress. See apart from my friend, you also had a paediatrician and one other doctor who looked after you so I was kind of confident that you would pull through. And although you looked pale, Mama said that your blood results were okay. She also said that you were on a bit of oxygen but you really were not short of breath.

All those times Mama was very calm. I never heard any panic in her voice whenever I spoke to her. I admire Mama for her strength. I know it was so difficult for her to see you sick, especially because you were the one who never got ill. That was the only one time you got sick and you needed to be in the hospital.

Things happened so fast anak. It was so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that all this has happened. How I wish it never did.

Please know that I love you very much. If only I can do anything to bring you back. I miss you so so much my brave boy.

Mommy Tintin

Your hospitalization

25 January 2012 - I was very eager to go back to London. This was my last shift of the week in Bristol and honestly I've had enough already and all I wanted was to go home to Daddy. That morning, Mama texted me and asked me if I could call them because they had something important to say. I had to steal some time from work to call back home. Apparently Inang was wondering why I hadn't call when they needed the "doctor" in the family. I just made an excuse that I was busy with work. I then spoke to Mama and she told me that you were still having fever and headache. Since I realized that you already had the fever on and off for a few days, I told them to take you to the hospital. I knew they probably weren't expecting me to say that because Mama sounded like she was surprised. Or maybe she was just calm unlike me, I get really nervous when things like this happen. And being in the medical profession, I kind of exaggerate things sometimes. So, I told Mama that they need to bring you to the hospital as soon as possible and there shouldn't be any excuses. At first, Mama told me that you refused because you strongly believed that it was nothing. That it was just a headache and a fever and that you should feel better soon. See, I'm sure you didn't want any of them to worry about you. Even when you probably knew you were not going to be with us that long, you still wanted to reassure them that you were okay. You really never thought about yourself first. You have always thought about other people.

At this point, I didn't think of Dengue because Mama told me that you had series of blood tests prior to your confinement and they were all normal. As far as I know you already had everything checked at this time. But it was so mysterious that no one knew what was wrong with you. While I was trying to study your symptoms, the only thing that I could think of was Meningitis. I called Mama again just to make sure that you didn't have the other classic symptom of meningitis which is photophobia, and she said you were alright with the lights on. I had to rule out meningitis. And because it was you, I couldn't think of anything else anymore. My critical thinking was overshadowed by worry.

When I called Mama at the hospital she said they have given you IV fluids and you were already on strong IV antibiotics. Although your CXR was apparently normal at that time, they treated you empirically for a chest infection. 

It was late when I got home in London, so it was morning time back home when I phoned. Mama said that they have taken bloods from you. At that time, the doctors haven't been around to see you yet. I instructed Mama to ask the doctors some questions about your condition. I wanted to make sure that we were not missing anything. But I found it really hard because I wasn't there and I didn't want to use my "just enough" knowledge on medical things to step on anyone's toes. I trusted your doctors, especially my friend because I knew that he would do everything for you- as friends would normally do for each other.

So I went to bed quite contented with the news about your health condition. I prayed to God that you would feel better soon.

The following day was another day.

My heart is breaking at the moment. It is so painful to recall those moments, but I know I have to face the truth in order to recover from this painful experience. I am missing you more and more each day. I will love you forever and ever.

Mommy Tintin