Daily learnings: Day 1

I have not only written for a day and it seems a long time for me already. I am trying to search for something---perhaps solace. It's never ending anak and I keep fighting. I am not sure when will this ever end and if I ever will get tired. But I live in your mantra, so I know I can do everything. I just need your guidance and of course the Man above.

Today, this is what I learned from Nicky Gumble:

"Sometimes we feel ourselves facing a seemingly impossible situation. It might be a relationship that seems to have broken down irretrievably or some issue to do with health, finances or something else where change seems impossible. But with God there is always hope, no matter how bad things look. Nothing is impossible with God. His power makes all things possible."

I have only one prayer today- that everything will get sorted and that we remain together.

As much as I want to pour my heart out, I can't.

Just know that no matter what happens, I love you. I wish you'd never left. It would have been easier. Missing you loads anak.

Mommy Tintin

365 letters

I can't believe that I have been writing to you everyday for a year now. Time flies really fast. Writing is the only thing that I could do to express how I feel. It helped me a lot to recover from your loss. There is something about writing to you that made (and still makes) me feel better.

A lot of things have happened since I started writing to you, some good, others bad. These letters are a reflection of my emotions since you left. I may have not completely disclosed everything here, but one day I will.

It's been so nice talking to you in letters. You have taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to be honest with my feelings and you allowed me to just be myself. 

I am still in search of that purpose and I have not completely recovered from your loss. I don't know how long will this journey take, but I am hoping that someday somehow, I will learn to fully accept that things happen for a reason. I still believe that God has a purpose and soon I will know.

After 365 letters I'm sure I will still be writing to you. It may not be everyday now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you anymore. You will always be in my thoughts, wherever I go, whatever I do. I will continue to work hard to make my dreams for you come true.

If I am not able to write to you, I will instead speak to you when I speak to God.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write to you everyday. And thank you for proving to me that I can do anything. I live in your life's mantra, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". You will forever be my inspiration.

I love you very much anak ko and nothing will ever change that. I will miss you every single day of my life.

Mommy Tintin

P.S. - Papa has left for Saudi again. Please watch over Mama, Inang, Tatang and your Adings.

I somehow know why God took you....

-to spare you from all the drama. I keep thinking that if you hadn't left and things are as what they are now, I don't know how you would have taken it. Somehow I believe that God wanted you to be spared from all the heartaches that this life may bring. Now it's becoming clearer that God may have wanted you to stay pure. I'm not sure but it feels like that.

I need to understand things more and I know one day I'll find out the answers that I have been looking for. With God's help.

I love you so much. Missing you everyday.

Mommy Tintin

You continue to make us proud

By now a lot of people would have visited your paintings at the Harbor Point. I didn't know that it was going to be there for a while. But recently, people have been sending me messages and tagging me on their photos with your paintings. It leaves me speechless sometimes that you continue to inspire people and make us proud. If only those people who visit your paintings know that you're no longer here.

Anyway, so one of my friends (you probably have met her)posted a message and a photo on my facebook wall today, much to my surprise. And she wrote, "Ate tin, i wasn't able to light a candle or wear something blue on keith's anniversary in heaven and i felt bad so i decided to drop by and see his paintings at harbor point. I hope I made Keith smile in heaven". I'm sure you wouldn't mind if people forget your angelversary, but don't you think it's sweet? I am very blessed that I have beautiful people in my life.

I know you appreciate this anak and you probably are whispering "thank you" right now to everyone who always remembers you.

We love you Keith. You will never be forgotten.

Mommy Tintin

I'm jealous

While it is very easy for other people to ask for help and to be helped, it is such a struggle for some. I am saying this because remember I have always wanted to put up a foundation in your memory so we could help poor talented kids to go to art and music school, at the same time help the least fortunate children in our town with their medical needs? It seems like I have to go through an eye of a needle first before I even get anywhere. I don't know how to even make a start. I'm kind of reluctant now because I have asked for help a few times already so I could help Baby Jacob, but I don't seem to get a lot of help from other people. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I really just want to help. You are probably aware that I used to raise funds for Bantay Bata, right? Even then, I found it difficult to ask help from people. I don't know what people have in mind when you ask them for help, but sometimes they don't seem to trust you. Arrghhhh.

That's why I am jealous with the help that other charities are receiving. Perhaps they are more pro-active than I am. 

I am running the half marathon soon. I wanted to raise funds for your former art and music school because I want to help with their scholarship program, but unfortunately, they are not able to register with Just Giving. That was the only way I thought I could raise money for them. Well actually, I could use paypal, but based on my previous attempt to raise money for Baby Jacob's liver transplant, it didn't go that well. So, it's a shame that I will not be able to help your school this time.

But that doesn't mean I will stop helping. Whether you have a foundation or not, I would still help when I can and that's my promise to you. I just need to sort out my priorities first and then I will concentrate on raising funds for your school. I believe in their advocacy and I know that they have helped a lot of children realize their potentials.

I'm sure we can work together on this. When I am more ready, I will let you know. For now, please ask Papa Jesus to guide me.

You are missed very much Pochongchong. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Renewing my relationship

I know it will not be easy but I am slowly trying to renew my relationship with God. No, I am not doing it with anyone. I am alone in this. I may not have the fellowship that every Christian has or need, but I know that will come eventually. For now, I just want to take things slow and enjoy every moment of my "getting to know you" phase with God.

After browsing on a few bible apps, I may have finally found the one that will help me build up my new relationship with the Lord. And since I started quite late, I am still catching up on the previous lessons. This is actually Bible in a year. 

At times, I feel a little lighter and more hopeful that God is in control and that I should stop worrying about anything. It's kind of hard for me not worry, but I am determined to lift everything up to Him. I know I just need to trust Him.

So anak, I'm sure you are pleased to know about this. I need your help though. I'm sure you will.

I'm still a baby in this again, so I will need more time to just do what I need to do.

As you are my little angel up in heaven, I'm sure you will guide me on this.

I will never get tired of telling you how much I love and miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Missing you

I just want to speak to you.....

I love and miss you so so much!

Mommy Tintin