Today Was Hard

Last night before I went to bed, I phoned home to see whether they have left for Manila. Your Mama's phone just kept ringing. I started to panic. For some reason, since you left us, I have become more of a worrier. I get panic attacks whenever I call home or your Daddy and they don't pick up the phone straight away. Maybe it is just the trauma that your leaving have caused me. I really shouldn't worry because I know that you, alongside Father God are watching over us. But I can't help it. Maybe it will get better in time.

Anyway, Ading Linus picked up the phone. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was lying in bed, beside Ading Cxyrelle. Your Mama and Papa were not there. They went to visit your house on earth. Ading Linus has always been polite in speaking to anyone. And so is Ading Cxyrelle, and so were you. I had to put the phone down sooner than I really wanted to because I felt sad and I knew I was gonna cry. So I said I love you to Ading and told him I would call back after a few minutes. As much as possible I don't really want your Adings to see or hear anyone of us cry. We need to be strong for them. But somehow, I feel sorry for them because they no longer have their "Kuya" with them. When I phoned, you would have answered it and I would have just asked if I could speak to Ading Linus then to Ading Cxyrelle. Because that's how it used to be. I don't know what got into me today that I feel really sad. Probably because your Papa has left for Saudi and that means that there will only be Mama, Inang, Tatang, Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle at home. This also means that they are going to miss you even more. From now on, that will be their normality - just the five of them instead of six (when you were still with us), until of course your Papa and I go home again to visit them. Ahhhh, it's really hard anak. Life without you will never ever gonna be the same. But you know, you have left a huge mark in our lives and we will always rejoice for the fact that you were a part of our being. We have been really blessed to have had you in our lives. But still.....

I phoned a little more than two hours ago again just to check whether or not  they were back home from the airport. They just got home apparently. Mama told me that they went to the Mall of Asia, but your Adings didn't like it there. I don't know what you think of that mall because you have been there I think, is that right? But obviously, your Adings prefer SM North Edsa better than MOA. I was not able to speak to them because they were already asleep. Perhaps they were tired.

I also spoke to your Papa. He already checked in. He was on his way to the boarding gate. His flight is at 11pm. He said he will text me as soon as he arrives in Saudi. As always, please tell Father God to keep him safe.

I must tell you something that my friend told me about your Daddy's dream the other night. My friend's interpretation is probably better than mine, so I believe in her. Afterall, she is more religious than I am. Apparently, since there were three of you in that dream, that means the "Trinity". I know you know- the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The fact that you were in the middle, she said you were the Son. She was actually rejoicing as she was telling me all this. Then she said that you really didn't belong to us. You belonged to God. I hope she's right. I know these things are maybe hard to believe, but I have been considering all that she has told me, and I think somehow she is right. I don't know. There is something in what she is saying  that kind of make me say, "Yeah, you're right!". I don't know anak, but I know one day you will tell us everything that you knew when you were still with us. Only then that we will clearly understand why things happened the way they did.

I don't really want to end this letter but I'm afraid I have to go. I have been thinking a lot about you. Perhaps I will be for as long as I live.

I love you dearly.

Mommy Tintin