CPR

I attended a Basic Life Support training today and oh boy, my mind was constantly wandering. When they were doing a demo on CPR, I couldn't concentrate because I was thinking about you. You know when I called the day you left, Tito Junjun told me that they brought you upstairs. In an instant, I already knew that something was wrong. I don't think I will be able to tell you everything at the moment because just the thought really breaks my heart. I am trying to fight my imagination because it is not helping me at all. 

But anyway, I am writing to you about CPR today because I have questions. I am not sure if they did that on you. Maybe they did. Yes of course they did, silly me. Mama said she never saw you suffer. She never saw you in pain. So does this mean that when they took you upstairs you didn't show anything that would let them think you were leaving that day? I can really imagine what happened, but I don't want to. It's drifting in and out of my mind. But I remember Inang showing me a receipt of everything that they have given to you and used on you - from cotton balls to medications and tests. And there was adrenaline on the list as far as I can remember. I didn't want to read all of it because I just couldn't. It was too much to take. I really can't imagine my baby being resuscitated. But I know that's the truth. I have resuscitated a few babies and kids before when I was working at the District hospital. I felt very bad then, what more now that I know they did exactly the same thing to you?

Did they also intubate you and did they shock you? I have no idea what facilities do they have in that hospital. It's private and it's meant to be a good one so I am hoping that they did all these things. I know they have tried their best to save you, but perhaps that was really the end of your life on earth. But this really doesn't stop me from wanting to know what happened. I keep telling myself to speak to my friend who owns the hospital next time I go home because he was there when everything happened. But I am not sure if I would be ready by that time. I would really want to know. Maybe in due time.

There you go my angel. Mommy cried today because of this. But please know that this is quite normal for me. At least I don't cry all the time anymore.

I love you baby. I miss you loads.

Mommy Tintin