Another broken promise

.... and I am very sorry.

I know you have said before that I kept promising you things that I really never ever fulfilled. Just like this time, I promised you that I would go home on your first angelversary, but that is not going to happen anymore. I was so sure about going home until a week ago, when I realized that I don't really have enough money to go home. Besides I only have two weeks annual leave left, so I thought really hard about it, whether it would be worth it or not. I know it would always be worth it because it would be for you. But not having enough money and time I'm sure will cause some problems. Although not major ones, I don't want to go home and end up being upset. I know I will hear complaints for going home only for two weeks. I had the same experience last year and it really hurt me, so I don't want that to happen again. I don't think I will be able to take anything negative that will be said about me this time. I know I am being vague, but it's really hard to explain. I really don't want to be reminded that I didn't fulfill my promises to you. Not by anyone but myself. I know what I have done and I am so guilty about it. To hear this over and over again will definitely hurt my feelings and when I am hurt, I may say something this time that will offend them. So maybe it would be better if I just don't go home. And I know there will be a lot of pressures when I go home. I just want to spare myself from all this, for now anyway until I can say I have definitely moved on from losing you. Besides Daddy and I are trying to save money to buy a house hopefully end of next year if we are able to reach our target. And it would be impossible for me to do that and then go home. I just can't do it anak, so I am so sorry if I will not be able to be with our family on your first angelversary. I have told Papa and Mama already and also Inang. 

I know you will understand me. I just know because this is you. You have always been understanding. If we told you we won't be able to do or buy something, you would always say, "okay lang po, pag nagkapera na lang po tayo" or "saka na lang po". This is one thing that I really miss about you. At 11, you were really matured. You knew when you can have something and when you can't and still be understanding.

Well, I am glad that I was able to spend 11 years with you even not physically for most of it. I will forever be proud of you.

I love you so much anak. Missing you already.

Mommy Tintin