You live through your Adings

They finally heard the sound of the violin at home a few days ago. It has been almost two years since they heard you last play the instrument. It also took your Adings that long to finally pick up those instruments and play with them.

I am happy at the same time sad to see your Adings do what you loved doing. It would always been better if the three of you played those instruments. But I am happy still because you remain your Adings' inspiration. It's just that I always wish you were here, too.

Ading Linus plays the violin and the lyre.

Ading Cyrelle now plays the violin and she's enjoying it.

Ading Cxyrelle has always been into arts, but now she is an official art student at Casa San Miguel. And here are her first art works.

I know you are very proud of your Adings. I remember Ading Cxyrelle saying that you taught her how to mix colours. And Ading Linus of course, you taught him how to play the violin.

As much as I am very happy to see him enjoying what you used to enjoy, it hurts me so bad that you're not here to share it with them.

You are deeply missed every single day. I wish you can visit us again soon.

We love you so much Keith. YOu will forever be in our hearts.

Mommy Tintin

Guess what?

You probably already knew that Papa used to join poster making contests when he was younger. I have always known that he could draw very well. He actually also did some letterings as well. But you know, he really didn't pursue any of those talents. In fact when he became good at playing chess, he seemed to have forgotten his "talents". 

I was actually surprised when he started posting some of recent works. To be fair, he hasn't held a charcoal perhaps in more or less than 20 years. And all of a sudden he comes out with beautiful pieces. Inang told me that Papa wanted to follow your footsteps also. Funny, right? That your Papa is the one following your footsteps. I can see you smiling up there right now. You are probably also surprised. It's just a shame that you're no longer to look at Papa's work. Now I am wondering why he didn't do all this when you were here. He didn't even drew or painted with you I think. But, I think there is a purpose. Because then even if you are not here, your Papa and your Adings will continue what you have started.

I am just so happy to see Papa do what he used to love doing. It's just a shame you're not sure to enjoy it with him. I am sure you're in his thoughts when he's working.

Mama

 Ading Cxyrelle

This is what surprised me the post. I didn't know Papa can paint. He only ever used water colours and coloured pens. Hehe. But look, looks familiar, right? You are indeed his inspirations.

Hayyy Keith, I don't really know why you had to go. Things would have been better and far more enjoyable with you around. But hey....

I am missing you so much. It's almost two years now but the feeling is still the same.  You are greatly missed my Pochongchong. Mommy loves you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

Your Adings are back on track!

Hi baby, I've missed writing to you. But today I have some good news for you.

So, I think your Adings have finally moved on from your loss because they're back to doing what they loved doing with you. From what Ading Linus told me before, he wanted to be like you so I think this is also one of the reasons why he is into quite a few things lately.

First of all, Ading Lye is into sports. Recently at their District sportsfest, he played the volleyball. Although they didn't win this time, it's okay because he's young and it's his first time to play any sport. Also, he wants to play table tennis. I bought him a racquet but I still haven't sent it yet. Secondly, he has enrolled at Casa San Miguel for his violin lessons. He will start on the 15th of this month. He also joined journalism at the press conference last month. I think he got disappointed though because he didn't know the topic that they asked them to right about. I think the topic was too much for a 10 year-old, but you know I'm sure Ading will try again next time.

Meanwhile, Ading Cxyrelle can't make up her mind on what she wants to learn. She basically wants to learn a few things: piano, violin, painting and taekwondo. But I think taekwondo is what she really likes. However, she also likes to paint. So Mama told her to carefully think about she she likes first because she can only choose one. That's why I think Ading Lye enrolled at Casa first. She was also the school at the sportsfest. Haha. I can imagine you smiling right now.

How I wish you'd never left so the three of you can play sports together. I remember you playing the scrabble and chess with Ading Lye. And also you used to play basketball and badminton with him in our back yard.

I'm sure they're both missing you because you were the one who got them into sports before, especially Ading Lye. But I know that even if you're no longer here, you will be guiding them. I just want to thank you for inspiring your Adings. They really look up to you. And through them, I can fulfill your dreams. Please tell Papa Jesus to all look after your Adings.

I miss you so much anak. How I wish you were here. I love you more than words can say.

Mommy Tintin

Your second birthday in heaven

Today was entirely different from last year. Although I cried so much last night and this morning looking at your photos and remembering your previous birthdays, somehow throughout the day you made my day so much lighter.

I was woken up by your song "Lighters" because it's  my alarm music. Although today is not the official K Lighter Day, I still did the things that I know would make you happy. So I started your birthday by listening to your favourite song and then reading a bit of the Bible. Then Daddy and I went to St. Paul's cathedral to light  a candle and say a little prayer for you. Of course we brought Meowmeow too. Daddy and I were both wearing blue shirts.

Daddy had to watch football with a friend so I met up with my other friends for a bit. We had merienda at Lakwatsa in Notting Hill. They were wearing white and blue in your memory. Even the baby, Ellis was wearing your colours too. I was so touched by their gesture.

Daddy joined us afterwards and we headed to dinner that my other friends organized for you. Originally, I wanted the day to just be an ordinary day. Our plan was just  to go church and then have a picnic. But one of my friends suggested that we should do something. It ended up that there was more into what I already knew.

So we got to the restaurant and my friends' cameras were on us. I didn't realize that this was a surprise birthday party for you. They had Happy Birthday decorations and also had a cake for you. Since you were not here to blow the candle, Meowmeow and I had to do it for you.

Then they also had Chinese lanterns. We tried to light it up but because it was so windy, it didn't work.

Meanwhile back home, your friends spent almost all day at home. It's amazing how they've grown so fast. I am just so glad that they've kept the tradition of spending your birthday at home even if you're no longer with us.

Happy Birthday anak. I'm sure you're having a good one up above. We missed you so much today. We will never stop loving you.

Mommy Tintin

 

It's my birthday

....my second birthday without you. :( 

I phoned home this morning and I was able to speak to your Adings. It was very brief though because they were preparing to go to school. I almost slipped asking for you because you know, I am used to looking for three kids to greet me on my birthday. I miss you so much not only today, but everyday. I may not have written to you for a while but you're always in my thoughts.

You know what, if God allows me to only have one birthday wish for the rest of my life, I would ask for you. How I wish you're just somewhere out there and that you'll be back someday. We miss you so much already.

******

I was meant to tell you that I got to meet Sir Coke again, this time in London. He was here for the screening of his movie with Julian, "Boses". You know about that film, right? I just want to thank you for you are the reason why I met Sir Coke and Julian. As I always say, maybe that's one of the reasons why God took you.

*****

It's one and a half years since you left us. Although I must admit that things has got finally better, there are still moments when we're missing you so badly. Sometimes I still cry when I think of you. I miss your beautiful face.

*****

You know what? I have a feeling you were here this morning to greet me happy birthday because you gave me a sign. Thank you.

I am missing you so much anak. I love you forever.

Mommy Tintin

Update on your friends

So, I told you that your friends went back to school this week. I was not expecting that somehow, they will think of you. But your friend Xyryl posting something on her facebook that really warmed my heart. That was really unexpected. You have no idea how much it made me happy. However, it also made me sad at the same time knowing that you were not there with them. This is what she said:

"Iona Frederick Her Jae Ed Anthony Christelle Justin Joseph guys kung sakali lng ha kung sakali lng nmn kung buhay pa rin si keith hanggang ngayon tingin nyo magiging mas msya gr.7 nten ?  tingin nyo mas msya ang bawat araw na pumapasok tyu? at anung section sya cguro pag aagawn pa ata ee pero sna naabutan nya yung gr. 7 noh — feeling bad."

How sweet was that? I am just really happy that somehow you're still a part of them. Then she also posted this:

"yeeeeeeees wlaaaaaaaaang pasooooooook pero sna ksama n lng nten si keith sa librehan mmya — feeling sad."

I'm sure your friends miss you.

And then Mama told me that Aga is now studying at the Regional Science. I know you are proud of him. You both wanted to study there. I'm sure Aga did that for the both of you.

And also, Megan was able to make it at the International MTG. She will be competing in SIngapore in August.

See, you're friends are definitely pursuing those dreams that you once shared with them.

It is really heartwarming to know that this is all happening. Thank you anak for looking over your friends.

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Back to school

Your friends went to school officially today. Your Adings won't go back until next Monday. I feel really sad because you would have been on your 7th grade and I would have loved to hear your stories about your first day at junior high. I'm sure you would have been excited.

All I have now is your photo before you left for school with your Adings and Ate Bianca. Perhaps I would just need to look at it if I am missing my angel as a student.

I am missing you so much. Please come back even for a day. I just want to hug you tight, smell your kili-kili and pinch your cheeks! I love you so much Keith pogi.

Mommy Tintin

Ading is 10

Today is Ading Lye's 10th birthday. I called to greet him on my way to work. He said he didn't want a cake, so I think they only had a simple celebration at home with some of our neighbours. Mama said that Ading wants to do a lot of thing but he can't because he always thinks about you. Everything that he wants to do reminds him of you. I think things are still difficult for Ading. In time I'm sure he will be able to continue what you both have started.

Anyway, here's Ading's handa for his birthday:

I'm sure your Adings miss you so much and you miss them too. This is Ading's second birthday without you. We can only wish you were here.

You are deeply missed. We love you very very much.

Mommy Tintin

Your teacher and the girl on the road

Hi anak, I was meant to write to you yesterday but I didn't get the chance. Something happened that upset me. But don't worry anak because it hasn't got anything to do with me. It's just yesterday, I saw this girl in the middle of the road on her own, crying. She may have been 2 or three years old. Luckily the truck stopped. I heard the loud horn from the truck and when I saw the girl, I wondered where the mother was. I realized that she was actually a few metres away from the child, pushing her bike. The mother was probably reminded by the loud horn that her daughter was left behind so she went to pick up the girl. But I saw that she was angry from how she lifted the girl. Then she dropped her on her bike, pushed it and let it go in the middle of the road. I attempted to help the girl but the mother beat me to it. I was so upset that I had to cool down and drop my clothes at the laundrette first and then went back to find them, but unfortunately they were gone. I was so shocked I didn't know if I had the right to tell the mother off. But I was so angry that these people are even given the chance to have children. Life is really so unfair. While I would do anything and everything to have you back so I can love you and take care of you more than I used to. I just don't understand. It's hard to understand. This is what I have been complaining about. There are worse people out there. Why us and not them? But perhaps thats really life. I know the mother may have been going through something at that moment, but it was not a reason for her to treat her daughter like that. No child should be treated that way.

Anyway, Mama told me that your former teacher has passed away. I know that she was not your favourite teacher because of what she did to your friends, especially your bestfriend but you still respected her as your teacher and someone older than you. I am sure you will see her in heaven soon.

Anak, I miss you so so much. How I wish I could have you back. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Darwin has joined you

When I logged on my facebook this morning, the first thing I read was Mama's post about Darwin. It broke my heart. Darwin was not just a fish, he was YOUR fish. One of the things that was making our everyday LIGHTER since you left was Darwin. He made us happy. Unfortunately Darwin has joined you. I am very sure that you are more than happy to have him again. Thank you for letting us experience Darwin for as long as we did.

Inang told me that she dreamed about you last night making "tampo". And then this morning, the found Darwin lifeless in the aquarium. So when I asked Inang what happened to Darwin, she said maybe he also made "tampo" that's why he died.

Rest in Peace, Darwin. We will miss you.

I love and miss you so much Keith. I think about you everyday.

Mommy Tintin

Chasing Our Dreams

I only realized now that I have not written to you for almost a month now. I am so sorry anak. I have no other reason than being tired and busy. But as I always say, that doesn't mean that I don't think about you because I always do no matter where I am, no matter what I do. You are constantly in my mind.

Well anak, I have a good news for you. I know we still have a lot to go through but I think I may have found a way to raise money for your charity. I found this website where people can donate money and I registered. So far, two people have donated. Unfortunately, I will need 5000 pounds in order to register a charity in the UK. But I am in no rush. I will take this one day at a time. I know it will never be easy, unless of course I had the money. So for now, I am holding on and hoping that there will be people out there who will join me in this journey.

Here is how your site looks like:

And here is the link: http://www.gofundme.com/2q7hgg

Even though I have posted it on both my page and your memorial page, our friends and family apparently have not fully engaged themselves in this. But I know one day, your dream, our dream will come true. We will be able to send least fortunate talented kids to art and music school.

I am sure you will ask Papa Jesus to help me with this endeavor. I love you so much Keith. I miss you so so much already. Wish you were here.

Mommy Tintin

I am missing you

I just suddenly felt sad and thought about you. I was looking for your photo when you had your first communion, and tears suddenly fell on my face. I know there will be days like this for the rest of my life. The pain, although becomes lighter with time, it doesn't go away. I don't think it ever will. Looking at your photos makes me realize how special you were. You were a great loss. I will tell you that over and over again. 

We know that you're happy where you are now. In fact, I dreamt about you the other night and there you were looking very happy. You were inside a car with Mama and Ading Cxyrelle. You smiled at me when you passed by. And then I saw you somewhere, I am not sure but maybe it was inside a room. I asked you how you were and you said you were very much okay with a huge smile. Your skin was so vibrant. You looked really happy.

You know sometimes, no matter how much you have made us feel that you're okay, we still feel the pain. That's normal anak because we miss you so so much. It's really not the same without you.

Please know that we love you so much anak. You may have been gone for over a year now, but it doesn't matter for you will live in our hearts forever. 

Mommy Tintin

Ading hums Hallelujah again

Remember last Easter when Ading Linus first sung the Easter song at our church? I thought that he won't do it again because he got scared the last time. But no, he did it again! I am so proud of Ading Linus. I'm sure you are prouder than we all are. It's just a shame that you were not here to support him physically, but I know you were watching him from heaven.

I miss you so much baby. It's two years since the last time I saw you. Ha, time has flown so fast.

Mommy loves you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

Difficult times

Birthdays, Angelversaries, Weddings and Graduations.......probably the most difficult times in our lives as grieving mothers. 

So your friends finally graduated from grade school yesterday. And while their parents were very excited and happy, Mama and I were grieving. Obviously, we are really sad because you would have also graduated with them. Only grieving mothers will really understand how we feel. You know what made things worse? They probably didn't even paid tribute to you. What's two-minute silence to remember you or even just to mention you? Perhaps it's not necessary. Maybe I was just expecting too much. But then again, I'm sure every mother who has lost a child will expect and feel the same way.

I'm sure you were watching your friends from heaven and that you were very proud of them. It's just a shame that you were not there to celebrate with them.\\

How I wish you were here. You would have been really happy. I can only imagine you smiling and laughing softly. You are very handsome in your toga as usual.

As much as I would have loved to see you graduate from grade school, God had other plans. It doesn't matter though because whether you finished grade school or not, you have achieved more than most of the kids out there. And for that, we will be forever proud of you.

I miss you so much anak. Please know that you are always in my heart and in my mind. I may not write to you everyday anymore, but God knows how much I think of you. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy Tintin

Your Adings' Awards

It was only yesterday and today that I was able to speak to our family properly as everyone has been very busy. It was also only then I heard about what happened at your Adings' moving up program.

They are both not in the honour roll, but it's okay. It really doesn't matter to us. The most important thing is that your Adings know that they didn't work hard to make it to the honour roll. They are both humble enough to accept that. Both of them said that they can do it, but they need to try harder next time. I so admire your Adings for that.

So, both of them bagged the Best in Music and Arts awards. I am so proud of them. I know somehow, they will keep your legacy. Afterall, you all started at the same time. And whether they say it or not, you are their inspiration. I know one day, Ading Lye and Ading Cye will continue what you have started. They just need time.

On top of that, Ading Linus also got the Best in PE and Editorial Cartooning awards. Isn't obvious that Ading is following on your footsteps in Music, Art and Editorial Cartooning? I hope he continues to excel in those areas. Although I think he is still finding his core. He likes to try on a lot of things, mostly in sports. But whatever he chooses, we will support him all the way.

I'm sure you are very proud of your Adings. When Mama and Ading Cye visited your new house on earth, she brought her medals with her to show you. According to Mama, she was bragging about it. She apparently said, "Kuya, I have two medals- Best in Music and Best in Art. Kya Lye only had one, Best in PE". Haha. I'm sure you were laughing when you heard her say that. You know how Ading Cye is like sometimes. Mama corrected her of course. And then Ading laugh.

I am very happy that your Adings are using you as their inspiration and that they share their successes with you. I hope they will never change.

Well, what else? We miss you so so much. We always wish you were here. Our love for you will never end.

Please watch over us, especially your Adings anak. We love you.

Mommy Tintin 

Graduation Month

Of course I am jealous. You would have been called a graduate this month too, but unfortunately you had to go home to Jesus early.I know you would have been very happy to finish grade school and further your studies. I remember you wanted to go to the Science school in Olongapo. You also considered attending National Arts School in Makiling. I can tell now that you were serious about becoming an artist. How I wish God has given you more time to fulfill your dream. But as other people have always said, God has a reason for everything. And whatever that is, I'm sure it's for the better.

So teacher Nhica posted your friends' photo on facebook and I couldn't help but cry. You would have been in that photo, too. I am thankful that I got to know your friends, but it would have been better if you were still here so I could talk to you about them. They are a nice bunch of crazy kids and I like them. I am sure that you are proud of your friends for getting this far.

Your bestfriend Aga graduated yesterday. Apparently he has been busy studying for his entrance exam at the Science School. If you think he should go there then help him anak. I know you will. That way, he can make your dreams come true. I know you two really wanted to go to school there.

I miss Aga. I haven't spoken to him for a while. Maybe when he's not that busy anymore.

Hayyy, how I wish you were here. I miss you a lot baby. Please visit me again soon. I love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

Thank you for the visit anak

I finally dreamed about you last night. You were wearing your favourite yellow button down shirt that I gave you. We were walking hand in hand and I asked you if you were okay. You said you were and I pinched your cheeks and kissed you. Your skin was so soft and your cheeks were really chubby. You were so handsome.

Too bad it was such a short visit, but it's better than not visiting me at all. You know I miss you so much. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I love you anak ko. 

Please visit me again soon.

Mommy Tintin

I did it again!

So, I ran my first ever half marathon last Sunday for you. I must admit that it was the most difficult run that I have done so far. It was very cold. But I wanted you to be proud of me so I endured the cold to finish my run in 2 hours and 30 minutes. It's funny how you make me feel like you were with me. I was becoming impatient because I felt like I have ran 10km when in fact, I have only ran 5k. I hate it that they actually put how many km have you ran. It doesn't  help me at all.

Anyway, at 16km I was feeling really tired and I already wanted to walk, but then your favourite song "Lighters" came on. I always get embarrassed whenever I want to give up and this happens because I know that you're telling me not to give up because you believe I can do it. So I carried on until the last kilometer when your song came on again. Ha, maybe you were telling me this time that you were proud of me. I don't know but whenever I am running, your song always comes on when I am ready to give up. That's your little trick on me and it always works.

So anak, my first ever half marathon was for you.

 

I love you and I miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

 

Taking the extra mile for you

We're now in Holland for the Hague half marathon. It is my first half marathon and it's your Daddy's third. The weather in England has been really bad lately so we really didn't train as much as we should. I only ran 20k once and I think it was not that bad. After the run, I felt like I could have ran more. The only thing is, I killed my left middle too. It is now black. It was painful at first, but the pain is completely gone now.

So tomorrow is the day and it's raining in the Netherlands. Daddy and I are quite worried as we really never ran in the rain before. I am most worried of the cold really because I am not very good with it. Besides, I left my jacket in London. In fact I left a lot of my running stuff because I didn't have much time to pack, so all was done in a rush. Even Daddy forgot his gloves. So I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I am confident that Father God will guide us and of course, you will be there to look over us too.

I feel bad because I am not able to sponsor Casa San Miguel. It is the only charity that I want to help at the moment because I want to help kids who are talented yet can't afford to go to art and music school to hone their talents. I want to keep your legacy that way. But I am not losing hope. One day I know I will be able to help Casa San Miguel in my own way. I just need some time.

Thank you for the inspiration anak. If it were not for you, I wouldn't have gone the extra mile to prove to myself that I can do anything. You are the only reason why I am doing these things. You are my inspiration.

Ah, I miss writing to you. But even if I don't, believe it or not, you are constantly in my thoughts. I miss you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Daily learnings: Day 1

I have not only written for a day and it seems a long time for me already. I am trying to search for something---perhaps solace. It's never ending anak and I keep fighting. I am not sure when will this ever end and if I ever will get tired. But I live in your mantra, so I know I can do everything. I just need your guidance and of course the Man above.

Today, this is what I learned from Nicky Gumble:

"Sometimes we feel ourselves facing a seemingly impossible situation. It might be a relationship that seems to have broken down irretrievably or some issue to do with health, finances or something else where change seems impossible. But with God there is always hope, no matter how bad things look. Nothing is impossible with God. His power makes all things possible."

I have only one prayer today- that everything will get sorted and that we remain together.

As much as I want to pour my heart out, I can't.

Just know that no matter what happens, I love you. I wish you'd never left. It would have been easier. Missing you loads anak.

Mommy Tintin

365 letters

I can't believe that I have been writing to you everyday for a year now. Time flies really fast. Writing is the only thing that I could do to express how I feel. It helped me a lot to recover from your loss. There is something about writing to you that made (and still makes) me feel better.

A lot of things have happened since I started writing to you, some good, others bad. These letters are a reflection of my emotions since you left. I may have not completely disclosed everything here, but one day I will.

It's been so nice talking to you in letters. You have taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to be honest with my feelings and you allowed me to just be myself. 

I am still in search of that purpose and I have not completely recovered from your loss. I don't know how long will this journey take, but I am hoping that someday somehow, I will learn to fully accept that things happen for a reason. I still believe that God has a purpose and soon I will know.

After 365 letters I'm sure I will still be writing to you. It may not be everyday now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you anymore. You will always be in my thoughts, wherever I go, whatever I do. I will continue to work hard to make my dreams for you come true.

If I am not able to write to you, I will instead speak to you when I speak to God.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to write to you everyday. And thank you for proving to me that I can do anything. I live in your life's mantra, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". You will forever be my inspiration.

I love you very much anak ko and nothing will ever change that. I will miss you every single day of my life.

Mommy Tintin

P.S. - Papa has left for Saudi again. Please watch over Mama, Inang, Tatang and your Adings.

I somehow know why God took you....

-to spare you from all the drama. I keep thinking that if you hadn't left and things are as what they are now, I don't know how you would have taken it. Somehow I believe that God wanted you to be spared from all the heartaches that this life may bring. Now it's becoming clearer that God may have wanted you to stay pure. I'm not sure but it feels like that.

I need to understand things more and I know one day I'll find out the answers that I have been looking for. With God's help.

I love you so much. Missing you everyday.

Mommy Tintin