The first time I met your friends

31 January 2012- Mama told me that since you left, your friends have been going to our house everyday, sometimes even twice a day. So after class they all came to the house. I was actually surprised because suddenly there were kids passing by me while I sat few feet away from your eternal bed. The first I noticed was a small, quite thin kid with sunglasses on his head. Then he was followed by a taller and a bit chunkier kid and they were quite noisy. Mama said, " here they are, they're Keith's friends". I had to think for a second. I was like, "how could Keith be friends with them? They are far more confident than Keith. He must be so out place." But Mama reassured me that they got along very well and they loved hanging out with you even if you really were that quiet. So, Mama introduced me to them. They were all polite, which I really loved. They had me when they said "po". The girls came from our front door. They were pushing each trying, trying to get to you first. They were really fun to watch. Seeing them happy and playful at the same made me miss you so much more. I wished you've never left.

I jokingly asked who among them was your girlfriend. I'm sure anak you were really embarrassed at that time. I know you really didn't want to be teased about having crushes and stuff like that. Anyway, one of them shyly said, "ako po", and everyone burst out laughing. Another girl said, " no you're not" and  told us that there were a lot of girls who had a crush on you. In fact, your friend said you left a lot of widows. And then they started talking to you as if you were there. They said that you were guwapo. One of them kissed you and claimed that finally she has kissed you. I was so happy seeing your friends like that. They were hugging your eternal bed because they wanted to hug you. Your little friend was even asking you to get up so you could swim together. You have good friends anak and I like them.

Then it was time to pray the rosary and they all wanted to sit next to me. In between praying the rosary, they were telling me that I was beautiful and that they already loved me. Some of them were holding my hand and kissing me. I wished at that time that I met them sooner, so I could have seen how you were like around them.

Your bestfriend Aga came later in the afternoon. He too was quiet, just like you. I could see the sadness in his eyes. I hugged him when I saw him and couldn't help but cry. I can't imagine losing a bestfriend. It must also have been difficult for him.

There were a lot of children at that time. Most of them talked about how mabait you were. The children who saw your paintings admire your talent. Some of said wanted to be like Kuya Keith. "Ang galing, galing ni Kuya Keith" was all you could here. Some of them were just silently staring at your paintings. Others kept asking if you really painted those. They were obviously in awe. I was a very proud Mommy.

I am really glad to get to know your friends and I am hoping to stay in touch with them even if you're no longer here.

I love you so much anak. Missing you.

Mommy Tintin

Reality Sucks

30 January 2012 - We met Papa at the airport because we arrived on the same day, just a couple of hours apart. When I saw him, I gave him a very tight hug. My tears were falling, but Papa remained strong. He just said, " It already happened. We can't do anything anymore. We just have to accept it." I admired Papa for being so strong, but I was also worried that he probably was just holding back. I know he had to be strong for Mama and your Adings, but I also believed that it was okay for him to cry. That arrival was very unusual as it was only Tito JL who came to pick us up from our family. It was far from the usual where you and your Adings and Inang and Mama would be waiting inside the car.

The journey always seemed long when you're eager to go home. Inside the car, we talked about you but there were no tears. We only talked about happy memories, but Tito JL was very quiet. I knew he was in a lot of pain because he was there when everything happened.

We decided to get off at Mama E's house because there were a lot of people in the street in front of our house, so we took the back entrance. Auntie V was the first one to greet us. As soon as I saw her, I cried. She hugged me and told me to be strong.I wanted Papa and I to be together when we entered the house. We were holding hands and the squeeze got tighter and tighter as we got closer to you. People were staring at us. I have imagined the whole thing.

That was the most painful moment ever. It was as if my heart was being pierced. I couldn't believe that the next time I saw you, you would be sleeping so peacefully. As soon as Mama saw us, she went to Papa and started screaming again. I could feel the pain in her cry. It was so painful that I still cry whenever I think of that moment. And then she came to me crying and said , "our son is gone, our son is gone". We hugged for few minutes and I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, that we all had to be strong. Inang was already crying when I saw her. I couldn't really think of anything to tell her. Who really would want to see a grandchild go before you? Your grandchildren should be taking you to resting place and not the other way around. They were into pieces. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to comfort them. And then Tatang came, so did your Adings. Tatang wasn't crying but I could feel  his pain. It was beyond explanation. I cried more when your Adings came to me. I felt so helpless. Their eyes said everything that I needed to know.

When everyone calmed down, Papa and I stayed beside you. He was telling you about the stuff that he brought for you and that he will have to give it to Ading Lye. I'm sure you wouldn't have said no, knowing you. I also bought you your favourite perfume.

You had so many visitors that night anak ko and a lot of beautiful stories about you emerged. It was so overwhelming that even those people we didn't know came to see you and each had a story to tell. Most of them, they knew you because their grandchildren talked about you when you were still with us. 

Those and more stories to come. I am missing you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Our Flight

29 January 2012 - We were finally on our way home. The plane was kind of full, luckily there was only me and Daddy in our row because I couldn't stop crying. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't want to eat anything. I just couldn't take in any food. I usually sleep on the plane the whole time, but I couldn't sleep at that time. I was thinking about you. Everything felt so unreal. I kept asking why did it happen to you? What did go wrong? Of course I didn't get any answer. 

That flight felt the longest I've ever took. It was about a 13-hour flight and I could't wait to get home to you. I also haven't spoken to Mama and Inang. It was only Papa that I was communicating with because I was sure that if I spoke to either Inang or Mama, we would all break down, so I avoided that. 

We would arrive on Monday afternoon and I just couldn't believe that you were gone.

30 January 2012 was the reality, and it sucked. In fact it still sucks whenever I recall that very first time I saw you in your eternal bed. I wanted to pass out.

But hey, you gave us the strength that we needed. And please thank Father God and Papa Jesus for keeping us strong.

I miss you terribly. I love you dear boy.

Mommy Tintin

January 28: Then and Now

January 28, 2012 - Our Journey Home

All I wanted that day was to go home so I could see you. While I was packing, I was already imagining what it was like to go home and see you in your eternal bed, instead of you coming to me and giving me a big hug. I couldn't imagine it, it was the most difficult thing. 

Daddy and I left for the airport quite early. Our flight was supposedly at 1120am. I fell asleep on the plane even before it took off. When I woke up three hours later, we were still on the ground. Daddy told me that there was a problem, then they made an announcement that we won't be able to fly anymore because they didn't manage to sort out the gas leak so we had to get off the plane. This news didn't actually help, but maybe there was a reason for it too. But why on the day that I needed so badly to go home? Kind of weird, right? So, Daddy and I had to find a new flight. We had to queue for at least three hours before we could speak to anyone. During that time, I met three different group of people- all trying to go home because they too lost a loved one. One of them was crying and was insistent that she should be given the priority because she had to go home. I was thinking, so am I. I have just lost my child and I need to go home soon too. When it was our turn to be served at the counter, they told us that there were no more flights available on the same day. But I told them that I've just lost you and that I needed to go home as soon as possible. The ladies were very helpful. I knew they tried their best to get us to the earliest flight possible, but there was none until the following day. Daddy and I had to stay at the hotel for a night. Maybe it was a good thing because that meant that we would be arriving in the Manila almost at the same time as Papa.......

I later on heard different stories about this fateful day. All of them were equally heartbreaking. Inang apparently didn't know that you were gone, so she planned to go to the hospital to bring you food on her own. While she was waiting for a bus, Tito Gil phoned Mama Es to tell her that we have lost you. No one knew about it as yet. Apparently Inang couldn't get hold of Mama but she never thought that something bad may have happened to you. So Mama Es ran to our house screaming that you were gone. Tatang was alone in the house. It must be so difficult for them because they had to hear it from Tito Gil. And so Tatang went to pick up Inang from the highway. Inang was wondering why Tatang was taking her home. It took a lot of courage for Tatang to tell her that you've left us forever. Of course, Inang broke down. I don't know what else happened to Inang after that. Meanwhile, Daddy Henry was campaigning for someone when he received Mama Es's text and apparently he broke down in tears and had to be sent home. Mama Es said later on that he has never seen Daddy Henry cry so much, even when they lost Tito Ryan.

It was also your friend A's birthday. You were meant to be there. Mama told me that A's grandmother went to the market to buy food for A's birthday and she heard from people over there that you were gone. So A's grandmother went home instead and broke the sad news to your friends. As you would expect, they were in shock. Apparently whenever their phone rang, they hoped that it was you to tell them that you were going to A's party. But obviously not. After they had something to eat, they went to our house to wait for you. Imagine what your young friends had to go through that day. 

Not to mention your Adings. This is one thing that we never really talked about. My heart broke for them the moment I found out what happened. I didn't know how they would take the bad news. Who would tell them? How would anyone tell them? I was so worried about them. I know how much your Adings loved you and to suddenly not have you in their lives was beyond my imagination. My heart still breaks whenever I think about that. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to hug them very tight. But I wasn't there.

January 28,2013 - One Year On

Believe me, as I am writing this I feel like I am still living in that moment of disbelief. The pain remains as intense as it was a year ago. 

But you know exactly how to make this day easier for all of us. You actually already made today a K Lighter Day even before any of us did. You made us all proud once again. Just in time for your first angelversary, Casa featured five of your paintings at their exhibit in Harbor Point, Subic. Anak, you have no idea how it made us all proud. That was a dream come true. And thank you for making this day a K Lighter day!

As you probably know already, I phoned home a lot of times today. I wanted to be with our family even if I am miles away. It's always a pleasure to know that a lot of people joined our family in celebrating your life on earth. I'm sure a lot of stories about you were heard again. It's actually good because it's also an opportunity for us to tell them about your paintings.

Your friends and your teachers were there too. Too bad I was not able to speak to them....

Today is also another K Lighter Day. A few of my friends participated again just like last year whwen we celebrated your first angel birthday. I will write about it separately.

You know anak, we miss you so much. You will always be in our thoughts. You will never be forgotten. We love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

The phone call that shook my world

27 Jabuary 2012- When I phoned Mama that morning, she told me that they finally have decided to give you blood. Apparently, they were looking for blood donors so they could directly transfuse you but everyone who volunteered were either tired, under nourished or not your blood type. Even Tito JL who, the last time he had his blood type checked was the same as yours, suddenly had a different blood type. Until now I still understand how did that happen. Obviously there was a mistake somewhere. And because they couldn't find a suitable blood donor, they had no choice than to buy blood from Olongapo which is at least an hour and a half away from Iba. It was Tatang and Tito Joseph who went to buy blood. For some reason Mama found out later that day that there was actually a blood available for the patient next door. No one though about it until few hours later. So they borrowed the blood for the meantime. I was relieved to know that at least something was happening. I couldn't go out the house until I was reassured that you were fine. Mama told me that you were more pinkish that you were before they gave you blood and that you were feeling better.

That day Inang and your Adings also visited. I briefly spoke to Inang and she was also pleased that you felt better. Your Adings were playing outside because apparently you didn't like them being noisy inside your room. Of course they missed you anak that's why they were all over you. Perhaps you were in pain at that time because you really didn't want to be touched although you didn't mind the nurses poking needles on you.

That afternoon, I met up with Daddy and a friend and we had dinner at our favourite Viatnamese restaurant. On our way home, I called Mama. That time I felt something different in her voice. For some reason, I could feel weakness in her voice and then she broke down. She said she was tired seeing you like that. Although she said she never really saw you suffer because you didn't show it to her and that you didn't complain about anything, she could feel that you were suffering. All the time that you were sick, I never heard Mama speak to me like that. And the fact that she was crying made me think that something horrible has happened. 

Anyway, when we got home Papa called me to say that he wanted to go home to see you. I reassured him that everything will be fine now that you have been transfused with blood. But he was worried that something bad would happen to you. I somehow thought about that too, but I was trying to be positive. After all, you were receiving the right treatment.

Before I went to bed, maybe around 1030 at night I called Mama again. I asked her if you have been okay with the blood and if you were short of breath. She said you had oxygen but you were more comfortable without it. She also said that you were no longer passing blood in your stool, but the doctors prescribed some laxatives apparently to help get rid of any old blood. I found that weird but I was also pre-occupied with other things so I really didn't think about it that much.

Around 1130 pm (0730 in the Philippines) I was still trying to get some sleep but for some reason, I was having palpitations. I felt something weird, so I phoned Mama. For the first time, she didn't answer her phone right away. I then called Tito JL, but he only didn't pick up, and so did Tito Junjun. I also tried calling my friend's mobile but he too didn't answer. I started to panic. My instinct was telling me that there was something wrong, so I called the hospital. It took them sometime to answer the phone. I was already in a real state of panic when the nurse picked up the phone. She couldn't tell me exactly what was going on, she had to call the other nurse. I overheard her  saying, " Keith's Mommy from London is on the phone, what should I tell her?". The moment I heard that I started crying. My mind started visualizing things. And when the nurse told me that they brought you upstairs, I knew you were in ITU. I just knew it. Then Tito JL finally took the phone. At this point I was already shaking. I remember asking Tito JL if you were on the ventilator, or if they were doing CPR on you, or if you were being defibrillated - I just wanted to know what they were doing with you. But Tito JL couldn't tell me. He said he didn't see what was going on. So I told him I'd call again, but I was in such a state that I wanted to pack my things and go home. I was crying as if I have already lost you. Daddy was trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. But I knew in my heart something bad was happening to you.

And then I called again and this time I spoke to Tito Junjun.  He couldn't speak to me properly because maybe he was also in shock. Tito JL was apparently with you. But what really broke my heart was hearing Mama screaming in the back ground. She was calling out to God to save you. She was like, "yung anak ko, yung anak ko, tulungan niyo yung anak ko" (my son, my son, help my son). For Mama to be crying and screaming like that, it could only mean one thing. Tito Junjun had to put the phone down because he had to attend to Mama. I told him I would call back again but my world was starting to fall into pieces. I could feel my heart breaking in two. It was so painful listening to Mama like that. I felt so helpless. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I wanted to be there.

Few minutes later, my phone rang and it was my friend. Even before I picked up the phone I have expected the worst. I knew it was hard for him too but he had to do it. His first words were, " I'm so sorry Naneng, your son is gone. We did our best. He fought until the end.We even had worse cases than him, but why your son?". He also told me that you lost about a litre of blood. I was so calm speaking to him, I couldn't understand why. I told him he didn't have to say sorry and that it wasn't their fault. I was just thankful that they did their best to save you. I told him I had to go because I wanted to go home and he said sorry again. Few minutes later, Papa called. Papa was very calm. He just said, "Wala na si Keith Ading. Sayang na bata." And then we just talked about what time we were going home and stuff like that. 

While I was packing our stuff, Daddy Don was looking for flights. By that time, I have stopped crying. You know when you're in shock that you can't cry anymore? That was me. I was so numb. I was speaking to you out loud while I was packing. The reality set in. I have lost you forever and nothing could ever explain the pain I was feeling at that time. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment I knew I will never be the same again. I knew a big part of me has been taken away. And I knew that a missing piece will never be replaced. I knew that my life has changed forever.

I knew from that moment on, I will be missing you everyday of my life. from the, now and until forever I will love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Two days before the day

26 January 2012 - I was finally on a day off and I managed to call Mama as often as every hour to check on you. Mama said that you were okay but still having headaches and you still had the fever. Your platelet apparently has fallen, but it was not low enough for the doctors to worry. Mama told me that they had difficulty taking your bloods. She said they have been trying more than once. I could feel your pain anak while Mama was telling me all about this. I do take bloods on older people at work and I feel so sorry for them everytime I miss it because I know it's very painful. I could imagine you perhaps cringing or even crying when they were doing that to you. But Mama told me that you never moaned when they were taking your blood. You basically just didn't show any signs that you were in pain. You didn't even say a word. 

While I was talking to Mama that day, I could hear you from the background. You wanted to go to the toilet. Although you had a bedpan, you didn't want to use it. No matter how weak you may have been, you still walked to the toilet with all the IV fluids and stuff. I had to put the phone down a bit while Mama attended to you.

When I phoned again, I managed to speak to you briefly. I asked you how you were and you said, "okay lang po". I asked you if you were in any pain, you said just your headache. You denied any other pain. I couldn't help but cry listening to you. You were such a brave boy. How could you possibly took all the pain without a single complaint? Mama said you never showed them that you were in pain. The only thing that Mama noticed was that you clenched your fist at times. That probably was your way of showing your pain. But apart from that, nothing. You didn't even cry. Not even once. Not even when they were poking you with those horrible needles multiple times. This is the same reason why doctors loved you because whenever they gave you injections, you never fought them and you never cried.

I was relieved somehow because Mama told me that the doctors were apparently happy with your progress. See apart from my friend, you also had a paediatrician and one other doctor who looked after you so I was kind of confident that you would pull through. And although you looked pale, Mama said that your blood results were okay. She also said that you were on a bit of oxygen but you really were not short of breath.

All those times Mama was very calm. I never heard any panic in her voice whenever I spoke to her. I admire Mama for her strength. I know it was so difficult for her to see you sick, especially because you were the one who never got ill. That was the only one time you got sick and you needed to be in the hospital.

Things happened so fast anak. It was so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that all this has happened. How I wish it never did.

Please know that I love you very much. If only I can do anything to bring you back. I miss you so so much my brave boy.

Mommy Tintin

Your hospitalization

25 January 2012 - I was very eager to go back to London. This was my last shift of the week in Bristol and honestly I've had enough already and all I wanted was to go home to Daddy. That morning, Mama texted me and asked me if I could call them because they had something important to say. I had to steal some time from work to call back home. Apparently Inang was wondering why I hadn't call when they needed the "doctor" in the family. I just made an excuse that I was busy with work. I then spoke to Mama and she told me that you were still having fever and headache. Since I realized that you already had the fever on and off for a few days, I told them to take you to the hospital. I knew they probably weren't expecting me to say that because Mama sounded like she was surprised. Or maybe she was just calm unlike me, I get really nervous when things like this happen. And being in the medical profession, I kind of exaggerate things sometimes. So, I told Mama that they need to bring you to the hospital as soon as possible and there shouldn't be any excuses. At first, Mama told me that you refused because you strongly believed that it was nothing. That it was just a headache and a fever and that you should feel better soon. See, I'm sure you didn't want any of them to worry about you. Even when you probably knew you were not going to be with us that long, you still wanted to reassure them that you were okay. You really never thought about yourself first. You have always thought about other people.

At this point, I didn't think of Dengue because Mama told me that you had series of blood tests prior to your confinement and they were all normal. As far as I know you already had everything checked at this time. But it was so mysterious that no one knew what was wrong with you. While I was trying to study your symptoms, the only thing that I could think of was Meningitis. I called Mama again just to make sure that you didn't have the other classic symptom of meningitis which is photophobia, and she said you were alright with the lights on. I had to rule out meningitis. And because it was you, I couldn't think of anything else anymore. My critical thinking was overshadowed by worry.

When I called Mama at the hospital she said they have given you IV fluids and you were already on strong IV antibiotics. Although your CXR was apparently normal at that time, they treated you empirically for a chest infection. 

It was late when I got home in London, so it was morning time back home when I phoned. Mama said that they have taken bloods from you. At that time, the doctors haven't been around to see you yet. I instructed Mama to ask the doctors some questions about your condition. I wanted to make sure that we were not missing anything. But I found it really hard because I wasn't there and I didn't want to use my "just enough" knowledge on medical things to step on anyone's toes. I trusted your doctors, especially my friend because I knew that he would do everything for you- as friends would normally do for each other.

So I went to bed quite contented with the news about your health condition. I prayed to God that you would feel better soon.

The following day was another day.

My heart is breaking at the moment. It is so painful to recall those moments, but I know I have to face the truth in order to recover from this painful experience. I am missing you more and more each day. I will love you forever and ever.

Mommy Tintin

The day before your confinement

I still didn't have any idea that in four days, you would leave us. It was just an ordinary day for me at work. I have not called home at this time because I have been busy and I was always feeling tired. So I didn't know what was going on back home apart from Mama's text previously that you had fever again. 

I wanted to be reminded of the things you did on your last few days at home, but Mama doesn't seem to remember them well. She just said that you wanted to go to see Ina ng Poong Bato as it was her feast day, but you were not able to go because you were still sick.

I'm not quite sure what happened the day before you were admitted to the hospital, but I have your exam paper on your computer subject. Teacher Faye was the one who gave the exam, so I sent her a message asking when she gave your exams. She told me that she gave you a special exam on the 24th of January. But when I asked Mama about it she said that you didn't actually go to school that day. So I don't know.

Hayyyy, this is actually getting quite harder. I want to remember as much as I can on your last days. I may not be able to recall everything but at least I can try.

I love and miss you so much anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

That weird dream

I am not entirely sure but around this time last year I have been having weird dreams. Most of the time if I remember the dream, I would always tell Inang or Mama about it. This time I don't think I mentioned that particular dream until I went home for your wake. I really didn't think it meant anything until then. 

I dreamt that there were a lot of people in our house and someone was playing the violin. The dream was so brief, that was all I remembered. I would immediately tell someone about it to kind of take the negativity away, or so people can interpret it, but this time I didn't. Thinking about it now, maybe the angels were calling for you then.

But then when Mama told me that your friends from Casa will be playing the violin at your wake, I realized that was my dream. It was so painful and I hated myself for dreaming about that. For a while after that I didn't want to sleep just in case I would dream another bad dream. I don't think I can take anymore.

I still have bad dreams but my friend told me to just pray when I wake up. That's what I am doing now but still, I hope that I won't dream anymore. I only want to dream about you. I want you to tell me what's going up there. It would be nice to know what you've been up to these days.

Five more days. I have been crying everyday for the last few days. The wound is becoming fresh again and it's as painful as the day it all happened.

I miss you terribly son. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

I think I'm crazy

I'm not sure if it is the fact that in 6 days will be the day that you left us or it's just how things are back home at the moment. But I already know for a fact that I have anxiety issues because I grew up having panic attacks at little scream I heard or when Tatang or Papa didn't come home on time. I thought I have outgrown this problem, but since you left, I think it got worse.

Now I often get palpitations and start getting nervous when I think of something negative. I don't even understand why I have to think that way. And then I develop a habit that I am afraid to break because of a fear that if I break the habit, something bad might happen.I know this is not right anak, but I can't help it. I worry all the time and I sometimes work up myself too much that I get headaches and chest pains.

How I wish I will get better soon. I think all I need is a peace of mind- a reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

Please ask Father God to give us peace and harmony. That's all I can ask for now.

I am missing you so much anak. I wish you were here. I love you okay?

Mommy Tintin

Your Kite

 21 January 2012 - The first and last time you flew a kite. Mama said that you've always wanted to have a kite, but for some reason you never got round to it. Perhaps because Papa was not around so you really didn't have anyone to play it with. But this time, Tito Junjun made the frame for you, and you and Mama did the rest.

I was so happy to see you fly a kite because I have never seen you fly one before. But what really surprised me was seeing you and Tatang play together. For the longest time, I have never seen you play with him. I know Tatang make lambing to you and your Adings in a very different way. Most of the time, you misinterpreted as he was trying to tease you or something, but that's just him. He loves teasing you and that's how he showed his affection to you. But I know that you didn't get that and I don't blame you. Besides, Tatang really didn't spent much time with you when you were still here. I know anak that at your age, you understood a lot of things when it came to family matters. At a very young age, you knew when there was something wrong in the house. And knowing you, you really didn't express how you feel that much. You kept it inside you and sometimes Inang and Mama would just tell me that you said things as if you actually were going through something. You would say that Tatang didn't love you. That he loved his pets more than you because he spent (and still spends) more time in the farm than with you and your Adings. Since you thought about those things, you kept a distance from him. So it was so nice to see you flying your kite together.

For me at that time, these photos were a sight to behold. But looking back now, I realized that perhaps this was your way of saying goodbye to Tatang. This was also probably your way of telling him that you have forgiven him for whatever pain he may have caused you. Tatang obviously didn't realized this, that's why he was so hurt when you left. He never really showed his true emotions but Inang has caught him crying on his own a few times. I know he is still suffering from your loss. Maybe at that time he was thinking that that was a beginning of his new relationship with you, little did he know that that was the last time he was ever going to play with you.

Apart from flying your kite, that day was also the last time you hang out with your "fraternity" - Tito JL, Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle. I studied your last photos and I can see mixed emotions on your face. One thing is for sure though, you have lost some weight and it seems like you still had the mumps.

 

I am just so glad that Mama was able to capture these memories. They mean so much to me. And just like your kite, which Ading Linus said could fly high in 30 seconds, you have proven to us a lot of times that you could soar high. In fact you soared high above the clouds.

We miss you so much everyday. Thank you for the memories. We will forever cherish our good and bad times with you. We love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy Tintin

A snowman for you....

Today anak is another bad day for me, so Daddy and I went out in the park and played in the snow. I was going to bring Meow with me as it's her first snow experience here, but I didn't want her to get wet. It was also very cold outside.

I am hoping and praying that things will start to get better soon because this is getting too much for me to take. I'm having chest pains and headaches thinking about it.

Anyway, here's our snowman for you:

It was my first time to make a snowman and I really enjoyed it.

Please anak ask God to make things okay now. I don't know what else to do. I love you so much and I'm sure you will guide us always. I miss you little boy.

Mommy Tintin

Your last weekend

This was your last weekend with the family, and I feel so low because my mind is also pre-occupied with some stuff that are really disappointing. If only I could speak my mind out loud, I would scream and tell the world exactly how I feel. I don't know what else I can do for this person to realize that what he's doing is not helping anyone at all. I don't know why there are people like that in this world. Just as when you thought they will have a little remorse because of what happened to you, they seem to be making things worse.

As much as I would like to say something, I need to protect the people that I care about. It's really hard because I feel helpless. I am so far away. What does it really take for someone to have a change of heart? Is losing you not enough for someone to realize that life is too short and instead of giving everyone heartaches, that they should just show them they care? Not even that, perhaps respect would actually be better. 

I am having chest pains thinking about all theses things. As much as I don't really want to think about it because I am already fed up, I can't just leave the people that matters to me. If only it's easy to just forget about everybody and just think of myself, I would have done it ages ago.

I am so sorry anak. I know I shouldn't be telling you all about this because I know that you're already peaceful wherever you are, but I don't think I have anyone to talk to about this right now. There are a lot of things going on in my head and if I start talking to other people, I may say something that I may regret in the end. For now, talking to you is my best therapy because I know you're listening to me.

I am trying to keep the faith that things will somehow get better. I am not sure what God wants me to do, but sometimes I feel like losing it. I don't know if I should keep believing. 

I'm sure you know what's inside my heart, and I know you're doing something about what I am going through. You don't really have to anak. I'm sure I'll be fine, and so will everyone else. I just need you to watch over us.

I love you very much and missing you more each day.

Mommy Tintin

Papa's finally home

Please thank Father God for keeping Papa safe on his journey home. He arrived home around 1am. Mama and Tito JL picked him up from the airport. There was a delay apparently because the bus had a flat tire. So Daddy Henry and Tito Nonong picked them up in Olongapo.

I phoned home few hours before they arrived and I spoke to Ading Cxyrelle. She was excited to see Papa. But I'm sure she was more excited of her pasalubongs. Haha. Ading sounded smart. I think she's going to grow up a smart lady. I hope that doesn't change though.

I spoke briefly to Papa when they arrived home. Your Adings were already asleep. Well, Ading Linus woke up and Papa carried him up to their room because they fell asleep with Inang while waiting for Papa.

I'm excited to speak to your Adings tomorrow, especially Ading Cxrylle. I'm sure she has a lot to say.

Well, this weekend was your last with us last year. Ten days more and it's the saddest day. Time has flown really, really fast. :(

I love you so very much anak ko. Missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Kuya G

I came across Kuya G when he tagged Casa San Miguel in one of his photos. I actually liked all the photos he posted so I thought I would add him as a friend on facebook. Luckily he accepted my invite. I have since wanted to ask him about you. He may know you as he is associated with Casa and I thought he was working there. I really didn't have the guts to send him a message until last night when I was looking at one of his art work.

So I told him a little bit about you and then I asked if he knew you. He told me that he only started teaching in Casa last year, so he doesn't know you. You missed each other by a year. But he was so nice and he allowed me to talk a bit more about you and then I asked if I could show him your paintings. Remember when I said that only an artist or someone who is passionate about art can give a good interpretation of a painting? I thought Kuya G is a good artist and I'm sure he would have the eye for a painting. He was ever so nice that he took time to look at your paintings and then he got back to me saying that you were good. He even told me to be thankful because we had you. He also wanted to know how old you were when you painted those, but I could only tell him that you started painting when you were 9. There were dates behind your paintings but I really can't remember everything.

It made me really proud when he said that we were lucky to have you and that he wished he could have met you. My heart melted once more when he said that because you see, even just through your photos and your paintings, people want to meet you. Even when I tell stories about you to some friends who haven't even met you, they tell me the same. And for that, thank you for being the son that we could all be proud of.

Kuya G has an exhibit at the Casa in March. Too bad Daddy and I won't be there to see it. I would have loved to go. But I will tell Mama about it. I'm sure she would be interested. 

Hayyy, if only you didn't leave us then you will be meeting more artists. Never mind, I'm sure you have met better ones up there. :)

I love you so much anak. Missing you as always.

Mommy Tintin

Reluctant Believer

I grew up with a strong faith in God. Ama Berto (Inang's father) was a religious person, so we were taught to pray the rosary in the evenings and go to church on Sunday. Besides,  I went to Catholic schools. I don't know if I mentioned to you before that I was also a Cathechist when I was in High school. I taught grade school pupils from Central West and Sto. Thomas about Jesus. I used to read the Bible every weekend. Of course I went to church also on Wednesdays for the Novena and Sundays for the mass. It was a school requirement of course, but I was very religious anyway. 

I used to pray a lot, especially when someone was in trouble or we were having family problems. Not that we had a lot, but Inang was not well for sometime and no one knew what was wrong with her. So I always prayed to God to heal Inang and eventually, a doctor found out what was wrong with her. She underwent a major operation and she was a lot better ever since. I have always believed in answered prayers. In fact, until you left, I couldn't remember anything that I asked God that He didn't give me. That may be  a lie actually, but even when He didn't answer my prayers something good always came up. I used to write letters to God and put them under my pillow. For some reason I believed that when I do that, He would hear my prayers.

For the last 11 years, I was living the best years of my life. I had my dream job, everyone was healthy and we were complete as a family. Well sometimes Tatang was pasaway but that was okay, because we were all still together. The only thing that was missing I thought was a house for you and for Daddy and I, and then my life would have been close to perfection. 

But then the day came when I was desperate for an answered prayer and God didn't hear me, or so I believe. I was so helpless, I was willing to do anything God wanted me to do just to save you. But I heard nothing. Instead, He took you. And that's when I questioned my faith, God and everyone else. 

I am slowly trying to bring  that faith 100%, but I will be lying if I say I am not reluctant because I still am. If you or God can tell me why you were taken away, then I may easily go back to what I used to be. But until then, I will perhaps remain a reluctant believer.

Twelve more days before the day that changed our lives forever. It's getting harder and harder relieving those moments, but I know I have to be strong in order to find closure.

You are loved my baby, please never forget that. I miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Our Daily Bread

When I was in University, I made sure to read "Our Daily Bread" everyday. But when I came to England, I stopped buying the little book. Until late last year, when I found out that there is an iphone app for it. One of my new year's resolution is to read Our Daily Bread regularly. So far, I have not missed a day but it is too early to say.

I am writing about this now because today, something I read kind of opened my mind a little bit and I would like to share it with you.

There's Power by Anne Cetas

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

When my sister found our she had cancer, I asked my friends to pray. When she had surgery, we prayed that the surgeon would be able to remove all the cancer and that she wouldn't have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. And God answered yes! When I reported the news, one friend remarked, "I'm si glad there's power in prayer." I responded, "I'm thankful that God answered with a yes this time."

James says that "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much". But does "effective" and "fervent" mean the harder we pray, or the more people we ask to pray, the more likely God is to answer with a yes? I've had enough "no" and "wait" answers to wonder about that.

Prayer is powerful, but it's such a mystery. We're taught to have faith, to ask earnestly and boldly, to persevere, to be surrendered to His will. Yet God answers in His wisdom and His answers are best. I'm just thankful that God wants to hear our hearts and that no matter the answer, He is still good.

I like Ole Hallesby's words: "Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only those who are helpless can truly pray.... Your helplessness is your best prayer." We can do helplessness quite well."

Tomorrow, I will let you know what I think about this. I was going to do it now, but this letter will be too long.

Please know that you're always in my thoughts. I love you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

It's almost K Lighter Day again

I think I will make your Angel birthdays and your Angelversaries official K Lighter days. One thing that I am not sure of though is if people will continue to support me on this. But nevertheless, I would still love to continue what I have started. And on your first angelversary, here is what I have done:

I actually put together two of your works in one photo to come up with this. Nothing really, I was just having a creative moment and thought I'd do one for you.

Just like our first K Lighter Day, I asked our family and friends to join again by doing 11 of the things that you loved doing:

1. Light a candle (blue preferably if you have one) and say a little prayer.

2. Read the Bible or pray the Rosary

3. Sing or play his favourite song "Lighters" by Eminem

4. Don't hurt or worse kill any insect or animals

5. Play a musical instrument if you are able to

6. Make someone's day "Lighter" in any way you can

7. Make your family and friends feel that you love and care for them

8. Avoid saying bad words

9. Draw or paint something that reminds you of Keith

10. Wear white or blue

11.Remember his motto, "Kaya ko po, Ako Pa" and take the challenge of doing something you thought you can never do.

This time, I came up with 11. I like it actually as it represents your 11 years on earth.

I know it's not going to change. January 28 will always be the day that changed our lives forever, no matter what year it is. That will will remain my saddest day, for I will always remember the day you left us. But I am hopeful that eventually, January 28, will no longer remind us of the pain, but somehow will remind us that a beautiful boy was taken away from us to give way to a new and brighter beginning. I am still hoping that sooner or later, I will be able to find that purpose. I am not giving up on it.

I miss you baby boy and I will forever love you with all my heart.

Mommy Tintin

Darwin and Friends

Mama has finally sent me a better photo of Darwin and this time, even with his friends too. You will be glad to know that they are doing really well. I'm sure you visit them sometimes, too!

Here's Darwin. He has grown really big, right?

Darwin and his friends. I'm sure they all miss your voice every morning.

We miss you so much. It's only now 15 days before that dreadful day and I am getting more emotional each day. Don't forget that I love you so much. 

Mommy Tintin