I'm Happy Because You're Happy

...but I still miss you loads.

I had to call your Mama after reading her status on facebook regarding her dream. Yes, she has dreamt about you again and this time, it has a completely different meaning to me.

In her dream, you were wearing a white shirt, jeans and shoes. You were very, very happy. Mama told me that she has never seen you that happy even when you were still with us. Everyone knows that you're handsome, but this time you looked very, very handsome apparently. But as usual, you didn't say anything. You just hugged her.

Ah, I feel a lot better (I think) knowing that you are really happy where you are now. That dream actually reminded me of a poem that my friend gave me last week. Even if it didn't come from you personally, I know you would say the same. And the letter goes:

"To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say,

But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above,

Where there are no tears or sadness, there is just eternal Love.

Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight,

Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me, and said, "I welcome you."

"It's good to have you back again.

You were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.

I need you here so badly as part of my big plan.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do.

And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you.

I will be beside you, everyday of the week and year,

And when you're sad I'm standing there, to wipe away the tear.

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,

God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years,

Because you're only human, there's bound to be some tears.

One thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over,

I am closer to you now than I ever was before.

And to my many friends, trust God knows what is best.

I am not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest.

There are rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb,

Together we can do it, taking one day at a time.

It was my philosophy and please I'd like for you,

To give unto the world, so the world will give to you.

If you can help someone who's in sorrow or in pain,

Then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.

And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,

Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

When you're walking down the street and I am on your mind,

I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.

And when you feel a gentle breeze of wind upon your face,

That's me giving you a great big hug, or just a soft embrace.

When it's time for you to go  from that body to be free,

Remember you are not going, you are coming home to me.

I will always love you, from that place way up above,

I will be in touch again soon.

P.S. God sends His love."

This letter almost made me cry the first time I read it. It feels so true. I bet you would have written exactly the same, if not more. Hayyyy, I really miss you. But the good thing is, I am not crying while I am writing this letter to you. So I guess, I am better. That probably have put a smile on your ever beautiful face.

Anyway, I just called Papa. He has arrived safe and sound in Saudi. He will be off until Friday, so I will probably speak to him again then. Please extend my thanks to Father Jesus for keeping Papa safe. And thanks to you,too.

I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Today Was Hard

Last night before I went to bed, I phoned home to see whether they have left for Manila. Your Mama's phone just kept ringing. I started to panic. For some reason, since you left us, I have become more of a worrier. I get panic attacks whenever I call home or your Daddy and they don't pick up the phone straight away. Maybe it is just the trauma that your leaving have caused me. I really shouldn't worry because I know that you, alongside Father God are watching over us. But I can't help it. Maybe it will get better in time.

Anyway, Ading Linus picked up the phone. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was lying in bed, beside Ading Cxyrelle. Your Mama and Papa were not there. They went to visit your house on earth. Ading Linus has always been polite in speaking to anyone. And so is Ading Cxyrelle, and so were you. I had to put the phone down sooner than I really wanted to because I felt sad and I knew I was gonna cry. So I said I love you to Ading and told him I would call back after a few minutes. As much as possible I don't really want your Adings to see or hear anyone of us cry. We need to be strong for them. But somehow, I feel sorry for them because they no longer have their "Kuya" with them. When I phoned, you would have answered it and I would have just asked if I could speak to Ading Linus then to Ading Cxyrelle. Because that's how it used to be. I don't know what got into me today that I feel really sad. Probably because your Papa has left for Saudi and that means that there will only be Mama, Inang, Tatang, Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle at home. This also means that they are going to miss you even more. From now on, that will be their normality - just the five of them instead of six (when you were still with us), until of course your Papa and I go home again to visit them. Ahhhh, it's really hard anak. Life without you will never ever gonna be the same. But you know, you have left a huge mark in our lives and we will always rejoice for the fact that you were a part of our being. We have been really blessed to have had you in our lives. But still.....

I phoned a little more than two hours ago again just to check whether or not  they were back home from the airport. They just got home apparently. Mama told me that they went to the Mall of Asia, but your Adings didn't like it there. I don't know what you think of that mall because you have been there I think, is that right? But obviously, your Adings prefer SM North Edsa better than MOA. I was not able to speak to them because they were already asleep. Perhaps they were tired.

I also spoke to your Papa. He already checked in. He was on his way to the boarding gate. His flight is at 11pm. He said he will text me as soon as he arrives in Saudi. As always, please tell Father God to keep him safe.

I must tell you something that my friend told me about your Daddy's dream the other night. My friend's interpretation is probably better than mine, so I believe in her. Afterall, she is more religious than I am. Apparently, since there were three of you in that dream, that means the "Trinity". I know you know- the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The fact that you were in the middle, she said you were the Son. She was actually rejoicing as she was telling me all this. Then she said that you really didn't belong to us. You belonged to God. I hope she's right. I know these things are maybe hard to believe, but I have been considering all that she has told me, and I think somehow she is right. I don't know. There is something in what she is saying  that kind of make me say, "Yeah, you're right!". I don't know anak, but I know one day you will tell us everything that you knew when you were still with us. Only then that we will clearly understand why things happened the way they did.

I don't really want to end this letter but I'm afraid I have to go. I have been thinking a lot about you. Perhaps I will be for as long as I live.

I love you dearly.

Mommy Tintin

You Have Been Visiting Us

This morning your Daddy phoned on his way to work to say that he dreamt about you last night. According to him, he was in a building with your Lolo Josue and Auntie Merica. He was not sure if it was a church or just a building, but it was on a first floor. Then he saw you with another child and an older man coming towards the building. But when you saw your Daddy, you turned away because you were shy. I would love to think that the older man was Jesus and the other child was another angel you met there. If that is what it means, then I am glad to know that you are not alone in heaven. 

I haven't told you that I also dreamt about you a few days ago. I was sitting under the mango tree when I saw you coming. I was looking at how you walked, because I loved your firm little bottom. Then you sat on my lap, so I hugged you very tight from the back. I asked if I could kiss you, then you faced towards me and I kissed you on the lips. You probably remember that I have always kissed you on the lips, even Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle. Then I woke up after that kiss. It was very short but very sweet.

Apparently Ate Lara from our neighbour dreamt about you, too. You had a camera and you asked Ate Lara to have a picture with you in front of a white gate. You took the picture and  that was all.

Then Tito JL dreamed about you once quite a while ago. Again, you didn't say anything. He just hugged you.

I don't think Inang, Tatang, Papa or your Adings have dreamt about you yet. But Mama told me that when she dreamt about you, you were sick. You were wearing your favourite yellow shirt that I sent you. I think you also wore that on your Christmas Party at school. Anyway, so Mama took you to different hospitals, even to one that's quite far just to get you better. Unfortunately, you were taken away just the same. Maybe it's telling us that you were really going to be taken away anyway, no matter how hard we would have tried. It maybe sad, but it's probably true.

I want you to visit us more often. But I also want you to speak to us the next time you come. We just want to know how you are getting on in that new place really. So please come again.

By the way, your Papa is going back to Saudi tomorrow. Your Mama, Inang, your Adings and Uncle Junjun will take him to the airport. Tito Joseph will be driving as usual. Please tell Jesus to keep them safe. 

Meanwhile, I'm going back to Bristol again today to work tomorrow until Thursday. Your Daddy Don will be alone until then. Please also pray for him to be safe while I'm gone.

I spoke to Tatang today, by the way and he was crying because he misses you terribly. Please pay him a visit and give him a hug. I bet he'll love that. :)

I really miss you baby. But I know you're here with me somewhere. Please know that we love you.

Mommy Tintin

The Music Man

According to Tito JL, you were "The Music Man", simply because you loved music. Everytime you heard a song from Tito JL's ipod that was not familiar to you, you would ask him what the title of the song was and then you would search for it on you tube. I actually remember you asking  your papa to buy you an mp3 so you can easily listen to your songs. Then you wanted an ipod, so I sent your Mama money to buy one for you and Ading Linus . When I went home the last time, Inang was using your mp3. Obviously, she has filled it in with her favourite Ilocano songs. But she told me you have apparently passed it on to her.  And guess what? Your Mama managed to open your file from your netbook. There wasn't anything there except a collection of Bruno Mars's songs. I know how much you loved Bruno. In fact, one of my last skype moments with you that I can clearly remember was when you were watching the "Lazy Song's" music video on youtube and I was singing it with you and your Adings. Oh, how I miss those skype moments when I kept telling you to go closer at the webcam, because I couldn't see your beautiful face properly.

Apart from your love for music, you were also a musician in the making. You played the violin quite well. And yes, Mama reminded me that you also learned the piano before. Now I remember. You learned the piano first before the violin, right? And then for some reason, you stopped playing the piano. Then you also played the lyre. Oh my, you were really into music. If you were still with us now, I wonder what you would be trying next. Maybe drums or the guitar? Perhaps the guitar because I think Tito JL plays it too, so he could just teach you. By the way, here's a photo of you playing the violin in one of your recitals at the CASA San Miguel.

I have been playing your favourite songs a lot lately. Ading Linus told me that you asked him to write down a list of your favourite songs. I found it in his notebook. Then I asked Tito Roman to have it downloaded and transfered into a cd. I gave copies to your friends and some to your teachers. Even Sister Enol asked for a copy too.

I feel like you were trying to send us messages through your favourite songs, but I am not sure. Some of them  kind of describes you as a person too. But let me share my favourite lines from each song so you know what I mean:

10. Grenade by Bruno Mars

"To give me all your love is all I ever asked

'Cause what you don't understand

Is I'd catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on the blade for ya

I'd jump in front of the train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

See I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

yes I would die for ya,baby

But you won't do the same"

9. Dynamite by Taio Cruz

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes

Saying AYO!

Gotta let go!

I wanna celebrate and live my life

Saying AYO!

Baby, let's go!"

8. Where is the Love by Black-eyed Peas

"What's wrong with the world, mama

People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)"

7. Ridin' Solo by Jason Derulo

"I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine

I'm lovin' cloud nine, my head's in the sky

I'm solo, I'm ridin' solo"

6. Young, Wild and Free by Wiz Khalifa

-Remember the first time I heard you listening to this song? I asked you if you knew what it meant and you said, "Hindi po". And then you told me you like the song because Bruno Mars was in it. So you were forgiven then. :)

"So what we get drunk

So what we don't sleep

We're just having fun

We don't care who sees

So what we go out

That's how its supposed to be

Living young and wild and free"

5. Apologize by Timbaland

" I loved yu with a fire red, now it's turning blue

And you say sorry like the angel

Heaven let me think was you

But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize"

4. Secrets by One Republic

"Tell me what you want to hear

Somewhere that were like those years

I'm sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God

Amazing that we got this far

It's like chasing all those stars

Who's driving shiny big black cars"

3. Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes

" My heart's a stereo

It beats for you, so listen close

Hear my thoughts in every note

Make me your radio

Turn me up when you feel low

This melody was meant for you

Just sing along to my stereo"

2. Count on Me by Bruno Mars

"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,

I'll sail the world to find you

If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,

I'll be the light to guide you

Find out what we're made of

When we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like 123, I'll be there

And I know when I need it I can count on you like 432

And you'll be there

Cause that's what friends are supposed to do"

1. Lighters by Eminem featuring Bruno Mars

" This one's for you and me, living out our dreams

We're all right where we should be

With my arms out wide, I open my eyes

And now all I wanna see is a sky full of lighters

A sky full of lighters

You and I know what it's like to be kicked down

Forced to fight

But tonight we're alright

So hold up your lights

Let it shine"

- Honestly, you made this song very popular in our place. Your friends sang it inside the church and we played it over and over again when we took you to your new house on earth. Then some of your friends and your teachers, including Mama have it as their ringing tone on their mobile phones. Now, almost everyone in our area knows the song. I think Bruno Mars should thank you somehow. :)

Of course you have more than ten favourite songs, but these are my personal favourites.

I love listening to your songs. I have not even listened to any other songs yet since I got back to London.

Ahhhh, I miss you so much. I was looking at your photos earlier and I couldn't help but cry. You were so wonderful. It's a shame God needed you sooner than we ever thought. But hey, you will always be in our hearts. This is where you will live now and forever. You have no idea how much we love you. So please tell Jesus to help us move on wholeheartedly. Also remind Him to watch over us , especially your Adings.

We love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Sorry I'm Late

My letter for the 3rd of March- only late...

It's past midnight in London and we just got home after watching a Baroque Extravaganza. Your Daddy and I enjoyed it very much. How I wished you were with us tonight. But I thought about you all the time, especially when they played your favourite piece- Canon by Pachelbel.

Here's what happened before we went to watch the recital:

I spent most of the morning speaking to your Mama. I didn't know that she has gone back to work already. You will be pleased to know that she didn't sound as sad anymore. We talked so much about you obviously. I must admit, I am learning more and more about you every time I speak to her. It makes me miss you even more, but I love hearing things about you, and the happy memories that you have spent with them, especially with your Adings. Your Adings think about you everyday. And guess what, according to your Mama, they have noticed some positive changes in them. I mean they are also good kids, but you probably know that they can be "makulits" sometimes. Now they are very conscious of the things that they know would upset you, so they try to avoid them as much as they can. Probably because you apparently told them to be good. This was few months before you went home to Jesus. See, you were really a good influence on your Adings, and they really look up to you until now. You have taught them very well too. Even your Tito George (JL) told me that he witnessed how you would tell your Adings off if they were naughty. You were the best Kuya ever! By the way, I spoke to Tito George yesterday afternoon too. He also told me so much about you. I will tell you all about it when I am ready. But he said that you were perfect enough to be with God, and that we were lucky to have had a perfect person like you. 

Your Mama has brought your pillow out again and Ading Linus is using it now. He cried the first time he used it because he was and still is missing you. But he knows very well that you are now an Angel in heaven. And as we all do, he talks about you all the time.

Even though you have left us, some of your friends still go to our house to play with Ading. J was there yesterday and he took Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle (with Mama and Papa) for a swim at their resort. They will go there again later this afternoon. He is apparently teaching Ading Linus how to swim. 

It's now 0210am here Anak. I have to go sleep. Please continue to pray for us and please send our love to Jesus.

We miss you and love you so so much.

Mommy Tintin

You had an "All Knowing Eyes"

Remember the friend I told you about last night? I saw her again this morning and she said she looked at your photos yesterday and she noticed something about your eyes. People have been talking about your eyes since you were a baby. But according to my friend, your eyes were "spiritual". Apparently where she came from, they call it "The All Knowing Eyes". This apparently means that you were able to see what is inside people's hearts. That is probably why your eyes, according to some people were "gloomy" because you saw what ordinary eyes couldn't see, but couldn't tell us because we might think it's blasphemy. She said there are only a few of you in this world. Some people may not believe in this, but I do. Because now, what happened to you is starting to make sense. I have to go back to the events in your life though,  to fully understand what this really means.

One thing she was amazed about was the amount of achievements that you had in that short span of 11 years. It seemed to her that you (or maybe God) had planned everything. Sadly, we didn't realize that. You were probably sent to us briefly to make an impact on our lives, and many others. And you must believe me when I say that at your young age, you have touched so many lives. You were indeed blessed.

One day we will find out the reason why God took you so early. For now, we just have to think that you were really an Angel.

So, I have finally finished my first week back at work. Everyone was very nice to me. I received a lot of hugs from my friends  and from my other colleagues.

And also, I called Inang again after I spoke to my friend. They found a photo of you when you had your first communion. Inang said something about it which I didn't clearly understand. So she will ask your Mama to scan it and send it to me. I also spoke to Ading Linus. He said he was fine and that he misses you. Ading Kika only said, "Hello po" and then ran away and told Inang the line got cut off. Haha. Remember? Ading Kika always does that if she doesn't want to speak to me. Your Adings are really sweet. I know you love them as much as we do.

I am going home to London tonight. Your Daddy phoned earlier to tell me that he bought tickets for a concert. And then he will pick me up from the coach station afterwards. Please tell Father God to keep us safe.

I miss you loads and I love you.

Mommy Tintin

My friend said you were REALLY an angel!

I was talking to my friend this morning and you suddenly came to my mind. So I started telling her about how you were as a kid when you were still with us. I told her that you read the bible, pray the rosary and collected them as well as prayer books, served as an altar boy and was a church choir member. She was really suprised, at the same time she was delighted to hear about it. I was going to get offended because she was smiling when she said she couldn't believe what she was hearing. But she then said that I should be happy because you were really an angel, and that you were not human. I was very confused. Is she serious? You were not human? But she was quick to explain that God really sent you to us with a mission. And when you have fulfilled that mission, He took you back because He didn't want you to get stained from the bad things that are happening in our world. 

She asked me if we noticed anything different when you were born. Because she believed that there may have been signs. But I could not remember anything. Maybe there were signs, we just didn't take it that way.  But whatever it is, we are very lucky to have had you in our lives. As I have said before, you were the child that any parent would wish to have.

My friend wanted to know more about you, so I told her to read my other blog. She did and sent me this message afterwards:

" Just finished reading your blog. So sad and huge lost. But, my Bible tells me in Psalm 24:1 that, "The earth is the Lord's and all it's fullness, the world and those who dwell in it." He was special no doubt about it, but his mission was fulfilled. The Lord has taken him to a place of peace. Rejoice that you knew and had this special, unique and wonderful Keith. You do not need to forget him, but try to get over the pain, so as to see the joy in his well spent life."

I thought that was sweet.

To be honest anak, I feel a lot better today than I have been. I also phoned Inang to tell her what my friend told me, and we talked more about you. She sounded better, too. I was not able to speak to your Mama and your Adings because they were already asleep. Tatang was not home yet then , and your Papa was at his friend's house with Uncle Ambo.

Anak, one thing is for sure. I will always remember you for the rest of my life.  My love for you will never change. 

Mommy loves you so much.

Mommy Tintin