Two days before the day

26 January 2012 - I was finally on a day off and I managed to call Mama as often as every hour to check on you. Mama said that you were okay but still having headaches and you still had the fever. Your platelet apparently has fallen, but it was not low enough for the doctors to worry. Mama told me that they had difficulty taking your bloods. She said they have been trying more than once. I could feel your pain anak while Mama was telling me all about this. I do take bloods on older people at work and I feel so sorry for them everytime I miss it because I know it's very painful. I could imagine you perhaps cringing or even crying when they were doing that to you. But Mama told me that you never moaned when they were taking your blood. You basically just didn't show any signs that you were in pain. You didn't even say a word. 

While I was talking to Mama that day, I could hear you from the background. You wanted to go to the toilet. Although you had a bedpan, you didn't want to use it. No matter how weak you may have been, you still walked to the toilet with all the IV fluids and stuff. I had to put the phone down a bit while Mama attended to you.

When I phoned again, I managed to speak to you briefly. I asked you how you were and you said, "okay lang po". I asked you if you were in any pain, you said just your headache. You denied any other pain. I couldn't help but cry listening to you. You were such a brave boy. How could you possibly took all the pain without a single complaint? Mama said you never showed them that you were in pain. The only thing that Mama noticed was that you clenched your fist at times. That probably was your way of showing your pain. But apart from that, nothing. You didn't even cry. Not even once. Not even when they were poking you with those horrible needles multiple times. This is the same reason why doctors loved you because whenever they gave you injections, you never fought them and you never cried.

I was relieved somehow because Mama told me that the doctors were apparently happy with your progress. See apart from my friend, you also had a paediatrician and one other doctor who looked after you so I was kind of confident that you would pull through. And although you looked pale, Mama said that your blood results were okay. She also said that you were on a bit of oxygen but you really were not short of breath.

All those times Mama was very calm. I never heard any panic in her voice whenever I spoke to her. I admire Mama for her strength. I know it was so difficult for her to see you sick, especially because you were the one who never got ill. That was the only one time you got sick and you needed to be in the hospital.

Things happened so fast anak. It was so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that all this has happened. How I wish it never did.

Please know that I love you very much. If only I can do anything to bring you back. I miss you so so much my brave boy.

Mommy Tintin

Your hospitalization

25 January 2012 - I was very eager to go back to London. This was my last shift of the week in Bristol and honestly I've had enough already and all I wanted was to go home to Daddy. That morning, Mama texted me and asked me if I could call them because they had something important to say. I had to steal some time from work to call back home. Apparently Inang was wondering why I hadn't call when they needed the "doctor" in the family. I just made an excuse that I was busy with work. I then spoke to Mama and she told me that you were still having fever and headache. Since I realized that you already had the fever on and off for a few days, I told them to take you to the hospital. I knew they probably weren't expecting me to say that because Mama sounded like she was surprised. Or maybe she was just calm unlike me, I get really nervous when things like this happen. And being in the medical profession, I kind of exaggerate things sometimes. So, I told Mama that they need to bring you to the hospital as soon as possible and there shouldn't be any excuses. At first, Mama told me that you refused because you strongly believed that it was nothing. That it was just a headache and a fever and that you should feel better soon. See, I'm sure you didn't want any of them to worry about you. Even when you probably knew you were not going to be with us that long, you still wanted to reassure them that you were okay. You really never thought about yourself first. You have always thought about other people.

At this point, I didn't think of Dengue because Mama told me that you had series of blood tests prior to your confinement and they were all normal. As far as I know you already had everything checked at this time. But it was so mysterious that no one knew what was wrong with you. While I was trying to study your symptoms, the only thing that I could think of was Meningitis. I called Mama again just to make sure that you didn't have the other classic symptom of meningitis which is photophobia, and she said you were alright with the lights on. I had to rule out meningitis. And because it was you, I couldn't think of anything else anymore. My critical thinking was overshadowed by worry.

When I called Mama at the hospital she said they have given you IV fluids and you were already on strong IV antibiotics. Although your CXR was apparently normal at that time, they treated you empirically for a chest infection. 

It was late when I got home in London, so it was morning time back home when I phoned. Mama said that they have taken bloods from you. At that time, the doctors haven't been around to see you yet. I instructed Mama to ask the doctors some questions about your condition. I wanted to make sure that we were not missing anything. But I found it really hard because I wasn't there and I didn't want to use my "just enough" knowledge on medical things to step on anyone's toes. I trusted your doctors, especially my friend because I knew that he would do everything for you- as friends would normally do for each other.

So I went to bed quite contented with the news about your health condition. I prayed to God that you would feel better soon.

The following day was another day.

My heart is breaking at the moment. It is so painful to recall those moments, but I know I have to face the truth in order to recover from this painful experience. I am missing you more and more each day. I will love you forever and ever.

Mommy Tintin

The day before your confinement

I still didn't have any idea that in four days, you would leave us. It was just an ordinary day for me at work. I have not called home at this time because I have been busy and I was always feeling tired. So I didn't know what was going on back home apart from Mama's text previously that you had fever again. 

I wanted to be reminded of the things you did on your last few days at home, but Mama doesn't seem to remember them well. She just said that you wanted to go to see Ina ng Poong Bato as it was her feast day, but you were not able to go because you were still sick.

I'm not quite sure what happened the day before you were admitted to the hospital, but I have your exam paper on your computer subject. Teacher Faye was the one who gave the exam, so I sent her a message asking when she gave your exams. She told me that she gave you a special exam on the 24th of January. But when I asked Mama about it she said that you didn't actually go to school that day. So I don't know.

Hayyyy, this is actually getting quite harder. I want to remember as much as I can on your last days. I may not be able to recall everything but at least I can try.

I love and miss you so much anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

That weird dream

I am not entirely sure but around this time last year I have been having weird dreams. Most of the time if I remember the dream, I would always tell Inang or Mama about it. This time I don't think I mentioned that particular dream until I went home for your wake. I really didn't think it meant anything until then. 

I dreamt that there were a lot of people in our house and someone was playing the violin. The dream was so brief, that was all I remembered. I would immediately tell someone about it to kind of take the negativity away, or so people can interpret it, but this time I didn't. Thinking about it now, maybe the angels were calling for you then.

But then when Mama told me that your friends from Casa will be playing the violin at your wake, I realized that was my dream. It was so painful and I hated myself for dreaming about that. For a while after that I didn't want to sleep just in case I would dream another bad dream. I don't think I can take anymore.

I still have bad dreams but my friend told me to just pray when I wake up. That's what I am doing now but still, I hope that I won't dream anymore. I only want to dream about you. I want you to tell me what's going up there. It would be nice to know what you've been up to these days.

Five more days. I have been crying everyday for the last few days. The wound is becoming fresh again and it's as painful as the day it all happened.

I miss you terribly son. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

I think I'm crazy

I'm not sure if it is the fact that in 6 days will be the day that you left us or it's just how things are back home at the moment. But I already know for a fact that I have anxiety issues because I grew up having panic attacks at little scream I heard or when Tatang or Papa didn't come home on time. I thought I have outgrown this problem, but since you left, I think it got worse.

Now I often get palpitations and start getting nervous when I think of something negative. I don't even understand why I have to think that way. And then I develop a habit that I am afraid to break because of a fear that if I break the habit, something bad might happen.I know this is not right anak, but I can't help it. I worry all the time and I sometimes work up myself too much that I get headaches and chest pains.

How I wish I will get better soon. I think all I need is a peace of mind- a reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

Please ask Father God to give us peace and harmony. That's all I can ask for now.

I am missing you so much anak. I wish you were here. I love you okay?

Mommy Tintin

Your Kite

 21 January 2012 - The first and last time you flew a kite. Mama said that you've always wanted to have a kite, but for some reason you never got round to it. Perhaps because Papa was not around so you really didn't have anyone to play it with. But this time, Tito Junjun made the frame for you, and you and Mama did the rest.

I was so happy to see you fly a kite because I have never seen you fly one before. But what really surprised me was seeing you and Tatang play together. For the longest time, I have never seen you play with him. I know Tatang make lambing to you and your Adings in a very different way. Most of the time, you misinterpreted as he was trying to tease you or something, but that's just him. He loves teasing you and that's how he showed his affection to you. But I know that you didn't get that and I don't blame you. Besides, Tatang really didn't spent much time with you when you were still here. I know anak that at your age, you understood a lot of things when it came to family matters. At a very young age, you knew when there was something wrong in the house. And knowing you, you really didn't express how you feel that much. You kept it inside you and sometimes Inang and Mama would just tell me that you said things as if you actually were going through something. You would say that Tatang didn't love you. That he loved his pets more than you because he spent (and still spends) more time in the farm than with you and your Adings. Since you thought about those things, you kept a distance from him. So it was so nice to see you flying your kite together.

For me at that time, these photos were a sight to behold. But looking back now, I realized that perhaps this was your way of saying goodbye to Tatang. This was also probably your way of telling him that you have forgiven him for whatever pain he may have caused you. Tatang obviously didn't realized this, that's why he was so hurt when you left. He never really showed his true emotions but Inang has caught him crying on his own a few times. I know he is still suffering from your loss. Maybe at that time he was thinking that that was a beginning of his new relationship with you, little did he know that that was the last time he was ever going to play with you.

Apart from flying your kite, that day was also the last time you hang out with your "fraternity" - Tito JL, Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle. I studied your last photos and I can see mixed emotions on your face. One thing is for sure though, you have lost some weight and it seems like you still had the mumps.

 

I am just so glad that Mama was able to capture these memories. They mean so much to me. And just like your kite, which Ading Linus said could fly high in 30 seconds, you have proven to us a lot of times that you could soar high. In fact you soared high above the clouds.

We miss you so much everyday. Thank you for the memories. We will forever cherish our good and bad times with you. We love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy Tintin

A snowman for you....

Today anak is another bad day for me, so Daddy and I went out in the park and played in the snow. I was going to bring Meow with me as it's her first snow experience here, but I didn't want her to get wet. It was also very cold outside.

I am hoping and praying that things will start to get better soon because this is getting too much for me to take. I'm having chest pains and headaches thinking about it.

Anyway, here's our snowman for you:

It was my first time to make a snowman and I really enjoyed it.

Please anak ask God to make things okay now. I don't know what else to do. I love you so much and I'm sure you will guide us always. I miss you little boy.

Mommy Tintin