The Truth Is....

... I was in denial and I still am. I regret telling you about Dengue last night. It did not only make me miss you even more, but it also brought back my doubts and uncertainties on a lot of things. I have not told anyone about this before and I am not even sure if I should be telling you about it either. But I think I need to somehow open up a little bit more. I am hoping that this will help me accept everything that happened a little bit easier.

I really don't know where to begin. Honestly I am not very comfortable writing this to you right now. My heart feels really heavy. Anak, the truth is I am not fully convinced that it was Dengue that took you away from us. Although I would like to believe that God really made His way to take you back, I still want to find out the real cause of your passing. I know that the truth is just between you and Father God. That's why I am asking you to please tell us about it, in any way you want it. It doesn't have to be through me. You can tell anyone you are comfortable with, for as long as someone will know. I just want to know the truth. I am so sorry anak if I am just telling you about this now. It took a lot of courage for me to even start writing this, but  I can no longer keep it to myself.

When Inang showed me your Angel certificate, Dengue Haemorrhagic Fever was the cause of your passing. Although I wanted to investigate further, I was so confused and hurt to even want to hear anything. So I never found out the truth, if Dengue was not it. Only you and Father God really know.

Inang also showed me all the tests that they did to you when you were at the hospital. I didn't look at it thoroughly though. I was afraid that I might see something that will hurt me even more. I hope that I will not have to look at it ever again. But you'll never know.

I don't want to blame anyone because I know that they all tried their best to keep you with us. As much as it hurts, I really want to accept that God has taken you away with a purpose. But until I find out what that purpose is, I will not stop asking why.

You were constantly in my mind today. I kept finding myself making a face - a face of regret more than anything else. I miss everything about you. I miss talking to you on the phone. I miss seeing you on skype. I miss having you in my life. I miss you.

Mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy Tintin