I had my first lesson on Positive Thinking with Brahma Kumaris today. You might be wondering what Brahma Kumaris is. Basically, they are a group of individuals who study and teach spiritual knowledge and practice meditation. I came across it through one of the doctors that I work with. I was telling him about you one day and he mentioned that maybe attending one of Brahma Kumaris's sessions would somehow help me recover from your loss. He said that his wife watches it on TV and she finds it really helpful. So I read a bit about it and thought I'd give it a try.
The place that I went to is called Inner Space and it's located in Covent Garden, just a few tube stops from where we live so it's quite convenient. From the outside, it looks like a book shop, but there are a couple of rooms downstairs where they conduct their lessons. I was greeted by an old-ish lady dressed in a white sari. She was nice. She asked if I have been there before and when I said no, she welcomed me. She then told me to go downstairs, to a room on the left. When I entered the room, there were about four people inside. I may have actually missed it when the woman said that it was the meditation room. The room was very quite (obviously). The lights were red. There was like a plywood in front of the room, painted in red. In the middle of it is kind of a light projected to what seemed like a moving object. I didn't know what to do at first. I tried to stare at the moving object, but my eyes hurt after a few minutes. Then I closed my eyes and tried to meditate. Yes, meditate. But I was not even sure how to do it. I have not meditated in a long time. The last time I remember engaging myself in meditation was when I was in high school, during one of our recollections. Even then I know I was not doing it properly. As far as I know, I had to empty my mind but I just couldn't do it. I was thinking about you and I was distracted by the fact that I didn't know what I was doing. I was looking at the other people inside the room and they looked like they have mastered the art of meditation. While me, I was opening and closing my eyes for almost 15 minutes, until a younger lady asked if anyone of us in the room was there for the lesson. We were then asked to move to the next room.
The lady was curious why we were there. I told her that I recently lost you and since then, I have been having negative thoughts on a lot of things. I was a worrier before and now I am even worse. Your passing has lead me to spend a lot of time thinking about negative thoughts. Sometimes I think that your passing is some form of punishment to me or our family. A lot of times I work myself up from asking why you had to leave us, even questioning God and his decision to take you instead of those who are bad. I know I should not think that way, but I am struggling to control those negative thoughts. At least until I find answers to my questions maybe. It's really hard.
Anyway, the session lasted for an hour. There was a meditation before and after. I found the whole thing quite interesting, but I think I still haven't found what I am looking for. It was only the first session though. I still have two more sessions to attend to. I hope that by the end of the course, I will be able to look at your passing in a more positive way.
Before I left the place, I bought a book called Healing Heart and Soul by Dr. Roger Cole. I have just started reading the introduction and already I can see some positive thoughts in it like,
"Souls who "leave early" have had a short stabilising birth in which they experience the love of a particular family. Stephen needed your love briefly, before he moved on to another life. You must have known him in the past and will meet him again in the future".
Then Sister Enol posted this message on my facebook timeline:
"thanks. hope you're always fine. what happened to keith lead me to believe more in the resurrection."
I don't exactly know what Sister meant by that but it sounds good to me. :)
Anak I am really missing you a lot. I think about you everyday. Please visit me so I can kiss and hug you. I love you so much.
Mommy Tintin
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