I have been singing your song to myself most of the day. I miss you so much. Now I am not quite sure if I have let go and started moving on. But the fact that I am now able to do the normal things that I used to do when you were still with us, is maybe a good sign that the healing process has finally begun. I am still constantly in pain though, but it is now more bearable than what it was before. Some people have expressed their admiration towards my strength in dealing with the whole situation. Some didn't expect that I would go back to work that soon and automatically be my happy-but-sometimes-grumpy old self like nothing really happened. Little do they know that I am no longer my old self, as a part of me was taken away the day you left me. And recently, I have been reading my old posts on my personal blog. I just want to share this with you so you know how I felt at that time. It is very normal for Angel Moms to feel that way. I hope you won't mind anak. I just miss you. That is all.
I wrote this blog few days after we came back to London.
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Coming back to England has never been harder. On Tuesday morning as Don and I entered our flat, there was a deafening silence. The room was obviously as we left it when we found out that our baby Keith has left us forever. Don took a picture of the room while I tried to do normal stuff. Somehow Keith kept popping into my head. I was missing him terribly. At the same time, I was thinking about my family. How I wish I could have stayed until we all have moved on. The next thing I knew, Don and I were both crying, hugging each other so tight. Then questions came rushing through my head.
Why Keith? Keith was such a good boy. He won't hurt a fly. He looked after everything that God created, even what probabaly killed him. He was God's servant. He read the Bible and prayed more often than most adults I know. He collected prayer books and rosaries as souvenirs when visiting places. He never said a bad word. He respected everyone.
Why did our family has to go through the pain and sorrow of losing our beloved Keith? I know we are not perfect and we have our own shortcomings, but as far I know we never have wronged anyone. And even if we did, why did Keith has to pay for it? I'm sure there are a lot more people worse than us. Our family will not do anything in expense of anybody. God knows how much we love and care for our kids. Some people are not even capable of doing that. So, why us?
No one can't even question our faith. I may not often pray to God, but I certainly have faith in Him. My mother has a strong faith in God, so does my sister-in-law and the kids. There are a lot of people out there who don't even believe in God at all. Why are they being spared from all this?
Yes, just like what everyone has said, God has a purpose. But when are we going to find out about this purpose?
I have been trying to look at the brighter side, but it has been really difficult. I know Keith is now our Angel as he was when he was with us. But the pain remains so strong. All I want to do now is to let go and move on. But how? I know Keith doesn't like seeing us sad. I know he would rather see us happy. Keith when he was with us didn't like sadness, nor conflict. All he wanted was happiness, peace and harmony. I know it's hard, but one day we will surely understand God's purpose.
For now, it comforts me to know that we have an Angel up there looking over us. And I pray to God that whatever His reason is for taking Keith away from us, that it is for the good of those he has left behind. I just like to imagine that at the moment, he is playing violin with Mozart in heaven, in front of other angels and God. And also, one day soon (if he hasn't yet) he will finally meet Monet so they can paint together. As what ading Cxyrelle told me, he is now playing computer with the angels, researching for diseases and animals and watching music videos on you tube perhaps- things that Keith loved doing.
I think that's all I needed to say in order to start moving on. They may not be the right words to say, but it all came from the heart of a mother who has just lost a precious child.
How I wish that at this moment I can see "Lighters" in the sky. But you really rarely see them in the big city. For now let me share Keith's favourite song. Some of you may wonder why this was his favourite song. It is because he loved Bruno Mars. The song goes :
"This one's for you and me
Living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
With my arms out wide, I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters"
For those who knew and loved Keith, may the bright stars in the sky remind you of the "Lighters" that was Keith Ashley. We love you so much, Keith! You're constantly in our thoughts.
I miss and love you so so much anak ko.
Mommy Tintin
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