Wow it's now 100 days since you left us. Time flies really fast. This has been a roller coaster ride for all of us. Although I believe that things have gone a bit better since, the pain remains very strong sometimes especially when we are missing you so much. I bet this is going to be a lifetime journey for us. For the meantime, let me tell you about my journey so far.
I can compare my grieving to that of the fickle English weather. Sometimes I feel gloomy, other times lighter (or brighter).
4. Do and enjoy the normal things that I used to do. I was not able to enjoy going out for a while since you left.
5. Enroll myself to a Positive Thinking class.
6. Reach out to other Grieving Mothers all over the world.
7. Somehow raise awareness on Dengue Virus in my own little way.
8. Write about other inspiring angels like you.
9. Create a Facebook Page for my letters to you and gain 158 likes.
10. Talk about you without crying.
11. Take Meow-meow to an adventure.
12. Run 10k because of you.
13. Find Compassionate Friends here in London and in Manila. I will have my first meeting with them hopefully in June. I wanted Mama and Inang to attend the Manila meeting but Papa disapproves of the idea.
14. Establish a relationship with your friends.
15. To become a better person.
And this is all because of you.
I am sure the rest of our family have also done their own thing since you left. And I can assure you that majority of them is for the better.
I love you so much Pochongchong. Missing you everyday of my life.
Mommy Tintin
I can compare my grieving to that of the fickle English weather. Sometimes I feel gloomy, other times lighter (or brighter).
When I feel gloomy, all I want is to stare at your photos and cry until perhaps you comfort me. Then the bitterness comes rushing through, and I will start asking "why"- "Why our family, Why Keith?". A lot of times I try to answer my own questions - "maybe you were too good to be on earth, maybe you really didn't belong to us, maybe......". But who knows exactly why you were taken this soon? Only God knows, right? Someone told me to wait two years and then I will start finding answers to my questions. So, all I have to do now is wait patiently and hope for the best that in two years, things will finally become clearer.
Ah, many times I think that losing you is my karma. Honestly, I still keep thinking about that. Then again I don't think I have done that bad to deserve this karma (if it were). It is too much of a karma for me. Other people are definitely worse. Why are they not the ones being punished instead of me? My friend hates it when I start talking about punishments and karma. Apparently I should not look at what happened that way. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it especially when people are being horrible to me or to other people. It's so unfair! But perhaps such is life.
Anyway, some days are still lighter than others I must say.
Recently, I came up with "Keith Lighter" days. I don't know why. All I know is that one day I was wishing my facebook friends to have a "Keith Lighter" week ahead or something like that. Perhaps when you're grieving, you tend to associate your loved one with anything that you could think of. For me this is because I don't want people to forget you. Some people may not understand this but if you're a grieving mother, for people to forget your child is the least thing you want to happen.
Anyway, in 100 days I have written you 73 letters. My letters to you have become a big part of my grieving process. I find solace in talking to you through letters. At first I thought it's going to be hard, but as soon as I started writing, I felt better. Not to say that the grieving is over, but the journey to recovery is a bit easier now that I am able to share it with you and others.
So in that 100 days, I have managed to:
1. Go back to work in a week after coming back from the Philippines. People have been telling me that others needed at least 6 months off work to grieve. This only means that I did and still doing well.
2. Put back that (close-up) smile on my face no matter how hard it is to think that you are no longer here.
3. Look back at my memories with you with a smile, although sometimes I still cry.
4. Do and enjoy the normal things that I used to do. I was not able to enjoy going out for a while since you left.
5. Enroll myself to a Positive Thinking class.
6. Reach out to other Grieving Mothers all over the world.
7. Somehow raise awareness on Dengue Virus in my own little way.
8. Write about other inspiring angels like you.
9. Create a Facebook Page for my letters to you and gain 158 likes.
10. Talk about you without crying.
11. Take Meow-meow to an adventure.
12. Run 10k because of you.
13. Find Compassionate Friends here in London and in Manila. I will have my first meeting with them hopefully in June. I wanted Mama and Inang to attend the Manila meeting but Papa disapproves of the idea.
14. Establish a relationship with your friends.
15. To become a better person.
And this is all because of you.
I am sure the rest of our family have also done their own thing since you left. And I can assure you that majority of them is for the better.
I love you so much Pochongchong. Missing you everyday of my life.
Mommy Tintin
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