Keep the Faith

or should I? It's as if it was not enough that you were taken away from us. It was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to our family. But it seems like the challenge really didn't end up there. Perhaps it's all part of this annoying thing they call "grieving". How are things going to get better though, when you have not actually finished grieving, and here comes another challenge again? When will I ever stop asking "why" when I feel like I am being punished most of the time? Yes I know I have been told and made to believe that I should not take what happened to you as a punishment from God. But can you blame me with what our family is going through right now? Why are they not being fair? There are people out there who have done a lot of evil things. Why are they being spared from all the heartaches and the sufferings? We have already lost a wonderful child, isn't that enough to pay whatever we had to pay? How can I keep the faith?

I wish I can just easily pour out eveything in this letter. But no, I won't do that as I am still hoping that things will be sorted soon. It's more difficult because things happened when I was away from Daddy so I have not managed to tell him anything yet. I am not sure if I will though because I don't want to burden him with my own problems. As much I would like to speak to someone about it, I don't have a lot of friends here. And even if I do, will they understand me the way I want them to? There is just this one friend at work who knows what's going on. Only because she saw me break down in tears yesterday. I didn't have a choice other than to tell her what's going on because it was getting too much to bear. Perhaps if I didn't open up to her, I would have gone home because I was not emotionally stable to work at that time anymore. But I also didn't want to go home because I didn't want to bother people in the house that I am staying at the moment. They already have their own stuff to sort out. But I am really glad that I told my friend about it because she was able to reassure me and I felt better afterwards. 

Then the other night I dreamed about you. It was at your wake. For some reason they move your "bed" to a different position. I was so anxious about the dream so I told my friend about it. She told me that it may have something to do with what's going on at the moment. Something that may have disturbed you somehow. I am sorry anak if we are bothering you. Please let us know what to do. Speak to us in our dreams. Please. I also had another dream last night. Apparently we were celebrating your birthday at home. There were a lot of people outside the house, in the street in fact. Your Adings were playing while Mama was giving a speech. She was sharing your memories with us and your Adings. Then some old people played the violin. Someone asked why we didn't hire proper violinists, but Mama told them that we are saving it for your first birthday in heaven. Would you like Ate Glory or your friends from Casa to play the violin on your first angelversary anak? Just let me know so I can invite them, okay?

I think I may have to end my letter here. I have not been feeling very well for the last few days. I don't know but I have been having headaches, feeling dizzy and sick all the time. And this afternoon, I started having pain on my left lower abdomen. The pain is gone now but I still don't feel right. But don't worry, Mommy will be okay.

Please anak help me to hold onto my faith. Perhaps I'm not praying hard enough that's why God doesn't hear me. But then again, doesn't He know already what I need before I ask? I don't know anak. I am so confused at the moment. Please speak to God and ask Him to guide us. Thank you anak ko.

Hope...Keep the Faith

In times of darkness there is still light 

Never ever give up just stand up and fight 

Hold on to your courage and give it all that you've got 

Dont ever let anyone tell you what u are or what your not 

They discriminate because your different but 

don't worry they just hate you cause your beautiful 

When you feel like ur falling and there is nothing 

left hold on to you hope and take a deep breath 

No worries pain dont last always 

And when you have to cry don't be ashamed 

Everyone cries sometime 

I know I do 

If you lose everything that you have 

just pick up you heart 

and hold onto you sanity and rebuild 

You can make it just keep the faith 

by Shalonda Hunter

Mommy is missing you more each day. I love you more than you'll ever know. It sounds like a song but I do anak.

Mommy Tintin