Things are never better

They said God took you for a reason and sooner than later we will find out why He has taken you and then things will become better. Five months on and things are never better and Mommy is losing the faith. It is not fair that after losing you, He still puts me into this emotional battle that is slowly taking my sanity away. Why would he allow things to happen this way? Is it not enough that He has taken you? 

I know I should hold onto Him. Perhaps you are both watching me right now. I am not sure what you're thinking but Mommy is clearly struggling. How long will I have to be in this situation? Yes, I think I am strong, but even strength has its end. What if one day I can no longer take the pain? What should I do?

Back home is not any better and what's happening there at the moment is just making matters worse. You probably know what I mean anak. I thought now that you're gone, people will realize that maybe it's time to change for the better, for you. But time and time again, things go back to where they used to be. The screaming, the swearing, the blaming. Ah, when is this ever gonna end? I wish I can just go to sleep one day and be free of all this mess.

Or is it because I am not asking anything from God? I must admit I have stopped praying. I see these people who don't believe in God and yet living a happy life and I get very jealous. And here we are,  believers of God, why are we the ones suffering? Is there a point? I know anak, you probably are not happy with this because you were so religious and you had a strong faith in God. But this doesn't mean that I don't love God anymore though. It's just that I don't know what else to do. I am so hurt. I don't know why I have to suffer continuously. Can He not touch other people so they will stop giving me heartaches? He knows how much I tried. Ah, how I wish I can write everything here. But I am sure you have been watching me and that you know what I am going through.

I just want you to continue praying for me. I know I will learn how to pray again, but right now I just can't get to it. I am very much hurt. And please tell Father God I am so sorry, but I still believe in Him and I love Him just the same.

I love you so much baby. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin