If there was a better way

It's almost 8 months since you left and sometimes we still have it really hard to come to terms with your passing. I know a lot of times now we are able to move on and carry on things that we are supposed to be doing. But what people don't know is that deep in our hearts, we are not "there" yet. We may be able to do mundane stuff, but that's not all about it. Every night before I go to bed, I think of you. I do the same thing when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes in my sleep, I wanted to see you and speak to you, but instead I get bad dreams. I come to a point where I no longer want to sleep because I don't want to dream anymore, except about you of course. Have I told you that before you were taken away, I dreamt that someone was playing violin in our house and that there were a lot of people watching? I didn't realize the significance of that until you actually left. I don't think I even told anybody about that dream. Whenever I get dreams like that, I would normally share it to Mama or Inang just to counteract the possible effect of that dream. But my friend told me to just wake up after a bad dream and pray to God, which I do now. I am just hoping that God hears me though.

I am writing about this today because when I was walking home, I read a message from one of my friends who told me that one can't have everything. Perhaps we couldn't have you in our case. But if people only knew....

Another reason why I am telling you this is because Mama is not doing well. She is not sleeping at all. Well she does sleep but only 4 hours on average. And then her blood pressure shoots up. I feel so helpless that I don't know how to help her. I am too far away to even doing anything. I send her messages everyday just to make sure they're okay, but I don't think that's enough for me to be left assured that things will be okay. I really don't know what to do. If only there was a better way to deal with our loss, then we won't have to go through all this mind-torturing situation.

I know it will get better eventually but knowing that someone in our family is suffering doesn't make it better for anybody. 

I don't know anak. I know you can help us somehow. I just want you to watch over Mama, Papa, Inang, Tatang and your Adings. I think I will be okay. I am actually stronger than I thought. So don't worry too much about me.

Don't forget that Mommy loves you so much. I am missing you loads and loads. I just wish I can hug you tight and tell you how much I am missing you.

Mommy Tintin