That decision and updates from home

Hi anak, remember when I told you I had a big decision to make the other day? Well, I have made the final decision and I hope it's the right one. I was not able to ask God properly if I should have done it or not, but I know He will make it happen if He thinks it's right for me. It's basically not that of a big deal as yet, but when it's already right here in front of me, then that would be the most difficult part. But at the moment, I think it is what's best for me. So we shall wait and see.

Anyway, I am so sorry I was not able to write to you properly last night. Daddy and I went out for a walk and when we got home, I was so tired. I don't know why but I felt so washed out so I went to bed straight way. But because I didn't want to go to bed without writing to you, I shared a nice poem that I read through grieving mothers instead. I even didn't get the chance to tell you the story  when I spoke to Mama and your Adings via skype yesterday.

Mama told me that she caught Ading Linus crying the night of his birthday. He was apparently cuddling your pillow. When Mama asked him why he was crying, he didn't say anything. He cried until he fell asleep. Mama then asked him the following day if he misses you and Ading said, "very much". I couldn't help but cry when I heard that story. Ading Linus surely misses you. You had this beautiful friendship. You used to do almost everything together. He may not be very vocal with how he feels towards your passing because he's only young, but I think the way he acts sometimes says a lot. 

And oh, Ading Linus's teeth have grown back and he's even more pogi now. Ading Cxyrelle's teeth have not re-grown. Speaking of Ading Cxyrelle, she attended a birthday party a few days back and guess what? She wore a pink long gown! I know how much you didn't approve of Ading wearing long gowns to church and parties (unless it's hers),haha! And apart from that, she also apparently wanted to wear a crown. But Mama convinced her not to because it was not her birthday. Haha. Ading is really sayit, right?

Ah, how I wish you're still with them witnessing all these things. Sometimes your Adings don't want to do anything special because they say it's not as fun anymore because you're no longer here.

You are surely missed by everyone Keith. We love you very much.

Mommy Tintin

I know you're watching over me....

hear each tear fall on her face...

My Mom doesn't know I'm watching her but I'm watching her just the same. And I hear each tear fall on her face at the very mention of my name. She says it sounds like music to her ears and can be heard over a crowd. Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face when my name is said aloud. I watch her stumble through each day as she wishes the day would end. And I hear each tear fall on her face as she talks of me to her friends. But there are few who truly understand. Oh this I've heard her proclaim. And I hear each tear fall on her face. Will my Mom ever be the same? I know that her smiles light up a sky. But I don't see that smile today. Oh, but I hear each tear fall on her face. Her blue skies have turned to gray. Oh I send to her my warmest hug with the rays of the morning sun. Then, I won't hear a tear fall on her face. For I shall erase them one by one. Yes, my Mom doesn't know I'm watching her. But I'm watching her just the same. And if I hear a tear fall on her face I'll just softly whisper her name.

- from Grieving Mothers

I love and miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

Should I or Should I not?

I think I have a huge decision to make. I have been considering something quite important since yesterday and now I am very much confused.com. It's just that I don't want to make the wrong decision again. Perhaps my emotion is being influenced by what is going on around me. There has been a lot of stress recently and with what I have gone through in the last 6 months, I think stress is the least thing that I need right now. It is very difficult especially when I know that I am not particularly ready to do anything different yet. But at the same time, I am not sure if I can put up with the pressures and the stress in my life any longer, without having to reach the breaking point.

You know when things just get thrown at you and you feel like you are obliged to just take it because you think that you have no choice? And you know when things turn out to be more than what you have expected and you know that you can't turn your back anymore because you're already in it and all you can do now is to just try and see how it goes? I feel like I am caught in a trap. If only I can get rid of the stress, then life would be easier. But we're talking about humans here. I know some people have already told me before not to let anyone get into me. But tell me, how can I possibly do that when I know that whether I like it or not, they are already a part of my life? Maybe not personally, but surely in other way. That's why it is so hard for me to just ignore it.

A colleague of mine has once told me that whenever he feels depressed about work because of how people treat him, he thinks that the purpose of these people in a particular day of his life is to make him feel bad, or to create trouble. In that way he becomes more understanding of why other people behave the way they do. Honestly, can you actually expect me to do that? Perhaps you are too young to understand and I am so sorry if I have to tell you all about this anak.

So anyway, I don't know what to do. I have a few days to think about it. Perhaps I can just try. I don't think I will lose anything if I do. But I definitely need a divine intervention. Please anak tell Father God to guide me in making the right decision. Some people claim that He takes something away from us to give us something better. Although what He has taken away from me was my best (and that was you), I am still hoping that He gives me something good. Only good because at the moment I cannot think of anything better than you.

For I will love you forever and always. Missing you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

The Pity Word

You know yesterday I was exchanging texts with Papa. I asked him if he was able to call Ading Linus for his birthday. He told me he didn't because he was busy at work. I felt really bad about it and told him off. Little did I know that he has phoned earlier in the day but just didn't get the chance to ring back again. I told him that Ading Linus would have been "kawawa" (pitiful, woesome) if he had not called. Since then the word "kawawa" got stuck in my head and it has made me feel so sad. Because when you were in the hospital, that was the only word that I constantly uttered- "Kawawa naman si Keith, Kawawa naman yung anak ko". I was saying that word over and over again.

I feel really sad to the point of crying again because everything that  happened to you just automatically came back to me. I keep imagining things when you were in the hospital, only because I was not there and the only thing that I can do now is to imagine.

Mama told me all about inserting different needles on you arms and hands. Sometimes, it took them two or three times to take bloods or insert a venflon. You never cried, nor complain that you were in pain. You just let them do what they needed to do. Although Mama was very hurt from what she saw, she couldn't complain because all you have shown her was strength. You never showed her nor anybody that you were suffering. So it was not fair to show you that she was otherwise.

But that was not enough for me not to think that you were "kawawa", because I know you were.I can just about imagine what you went through. However, you were a very strong young man so now I have to be strong for you too and should stop thinking about those horrible times when you were at the hospital.

Honestly anak, I hope that I don't have to use that word anymore. It is horrible to think that someone is "kawawa", especially if they are young and helpless.

Hay naku, just another low moment for me because I am missing you so much. I just want to hug you again. Love you Pochongchong ko.

Mommy Tintin

Ading Linus's Birthday

Today is Ading Linus's first birthday without you. He is now 9 years old. I'm pretty sure he misses you. I phoned early this morning to greet him. They just had lunch and he was going to take a shower from the pump outside the house with Ading Cxyrelle. Have I told you that they haved moved the pump closer to the mango tree? Inang told me that it is on the way for when we build the other house (whenever that will be). Anyway, I spoke to Ading Lye first and greeted him Happy Birthday. We didn't speak long because he was excited to take a shower, so I spoke to Inang instead. Apparently, Ading didn't want to throw a party so they can finish your house soon. But judging by what Inang has told me, he was having two parties. Haha. Not big ones but first, they were going to have lunch with the laborers and our family under the mango tree and then in the afternoon, they invited some neighbours also for  merienda. Your bestfriend Aga, Ate Celine and their Mom was there when I phoned. I am so happy that they still go to the house despite the fact that you are no longer here. I don't think they invited Ading's classmates anymore. But I am sure they had so much fun just the same.

I was going to call back just to find out how did their party go, but I didn't get the chance. I will probably call Inang tonight instead.

You know why Ading Linus wants the house to finish soon? It's because he is living in the hope that when it's finished, you would come back. Because remember that he dreamed about finding a book that belonged to you and in there it was written that you would come back. But Inang has explained to him that you will not come back to us anymore, and that you will be going back to Father God instead. I almost cried when I heard that from Inang. It must have been hard for her to tell Ading that. But you know, we have to tell him the truth somehow.

By the way, I found this photo of us when Ading Linus was born. Look at you, you were very very cute. Time flew very fast, didn't it? You were just this very innocent little child who made eveyrone happy and proud, and now you're up there living a whole new life, in a whole new world with completely new people, or shall I say angels around you. I would like to pinch your cheeks right now. Oh, how I miss you so much anak. Mommy will love you forever.

Mommy Tintin

A Revealing Dream

Last night I had this dream that somehow made me realize that maybe, just maybe something went wrong that's why you were taken away from us unexpectedly. I really would not rather think about it that way, but I feel that this dream is telling me something. After all this time, I never thought of any reason why you left us apart from the fact that it's probably God's will and that you really didn't belong to us. I never really wanted to think that maybe it was a human error. Or maybe at the back of my head, this is really what I am thinking? I am more confused now than I have ever been. As much as possible, I really don't want to blame anybody. But what is my dream all about?

In my dream was my friend who owned the hospital where you were confined in. Without me having to ask, he mentioned something about one of the doctors who was in charge of your care when you were with them. As far as I can remember, she was a lady doctor. Then my friend told me, "yes, she did something by mistake"- not his exact words but kind of the same meaning. This is one thing I really don't like about dreams- sometimes they are so blur to remember. Anyway, my friend then asked me if I wanted to do something about it because if I didn't then he would. It seemed like he was trying to tell me that the the lady doctor made a mistake and that she should pay for what she's done. I woke up feeling hurt and confused. I have been thinking about the dream since then and I have already cried a few times over it. I really don't want to think that you were taken away from us because of someone's carelessness. That will totally break my heart all over again.

I don't think I will tell any of our family about this dream. They may interpret it the wrong way. If anything, I would tell this to my religious friend. Maybe she can tell me exactly what this dream is all about. She has always believed that I have the power of dreams, that I should understand my dreams better and not take them for granted. So perhaps she is the right person to know about this dream.

Please anak help me to find out what really happened so I can put my mind at rest. It is very easy to convince people that the cause of your passing was Dengue. But could there be another reason behind that? Because I know that you were better after you had all the treatments that you needed. Now I guess I am back to square one.

My tears will never run dry. You are always in my thoughts. I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

I did it just for you

This is despite the fact that I fell off the stairs last night. I was looking at the route for the 10k run while walking down the stairs and I missed one step. I twisted my ankle and I was so afraid that I won't be able to run today. Before I went to bed last night, my friend massaged it a bit but it was still painful. I was even restless in my sleep because I could feel it pulsating and it was more painful than before I went to bed. But then I dreamed about you just before I woke up. Someone apparently told me that you're always with us. I could see in my dream that you were always beside Ading Linus wherever he went. But you were not talking as usual. You were just looking at whatever he was doing. I don't know how that dream ended because I can't remember anything apart from that. When I woke up around 7 this morning, I was surprised that my foot was not painful anymore. I would love to believe that you helped my foot to get better so I could run for you. And for that, thank you.

My first ever marathon went pretty well. I was not that tired when I finished but there was one point where I wanted to stop running and just walk. But then you did the trick on me again and played your song "Lighters" so I had to carry on. By the time your song finished, I was almost at the finish line. I kept telling myself not to give up because I know you wouldn't have liked me to. So I managed to keep my pace until I finished. Daddy wanted me to sprint in the the last three minutes of my run, but I didn't have any more energy to do that. I was getting tired and I was so hungry. But thinking about it know, maybe I should have. Because if I did, I would have finished in less than an hour. Now I know what to do next time.

All throughout my run, your songs were playing in my ears. I was singing along in my head and was constantly thinking about you. I really shouldn't be doing this now that you're no longer here, I was thinking. But then that is also the reason why I am doing this. If you didn't go, there is no way I would have been motivated in running a marathon. It's just sad that you had to go before I can get myself into things like this. Perhaps that's how it is sometimes. But thank you anak for inspiring me. As I said before, you are the only reason why I am now doing the things  that I have never done before.

Meow did well also. When we finished, someone asked how long did it take Meow to finish. At that time, I thought it was 1 hour and 4 minutes. But when I checked my time online, it was only 1 hour and 59 seconds. I am so proud of us because I was expecting to finish in at least 1 hour 20 minutes. I exceeded my own expectations. After all, the Mc Donald's  that I ate yesterday was all worth it. Haha.

I hope you're proud of us too. Daddy ran just so he could take pictures of me and Meow while running. I thank your Daddy for his encouragement and support. He's good at pushing me to do better. And please thank God for keeping me safe and looking after me.

This has been my best achievement since you left me. And as much as I am heartbroken because you're now gone, I know that you are always there for me. I love you baby.

Thinking about you all the time. Missing you.x

Mommy Tintin