Teacher Nhica

I bet you remember her so well. It's just a shame that I only came to know her after you left. I find her very nice and I really enjoy chatting with her. In less than six months we really have become virtually close and very often, we chat on facebook. I am really liking the fact that I now have a good relationship with your friends and your teacher, considering that I have never known about them when you were still here.

So it seems like teacher Nhica has fond memories of you as well, even though she's only known you for a few months. Ah, you know what's funny? Teacher said that you smelt really good. She used to notice your smell a lot because it's so strong and it masked all other odours. Then I told her one story when you were on your way to school. You were already inside the tricycle when you said you forgot something. When you were inside the house Mama and Inang saw you spraying perfume all over your body. Obviously, that's what you forgot- to wear your perfume. Haha. Tacher Nhica was laughing when I told her about that. 

You know you left us with so many happy memories that we can laugh about. And I guess one thing that helps me with my grief is talking to people about how funny you were. I feel a lot lighter when I talk to people about you and then we smile or laugh together.

By the way did you also know that teacher wrote a poem for you when you left? I was going to share it with you eventually, but since I am talking about her today then I might as well just share the poem now.

K- knowing that are with our Creator's arms now is not a reason for us to forget you.

E- eventhough I've just known you for a small amount of time

I- I couldn't and wouldn't deny the fact that you got closer to my heart

T- teacher Danica is indeed grateful that I met a boy like you

H- holding back our tears because of your loss is very difficult

A- and impossible to endure

S-sure enough that I would definitely miss your smile and beautiful eyes

H- Heaven is your home now and the place where we will meet again

L- lively, joyous, quite, gentle, disciplined, smart and artistic Keith is what will remain as your memories in my heart

E- each of us will always love and remember you

Y- your voice, smile, laugh, jokes and the very YOU will remain alive in our minds and you will always occupy a special place in our hearts. Thank you for being a part of our lives.

- From someone who will never forget you....... Teacher Danica

I just want you to know that you were/are loved by many. We were so lucky to have you in our lives. It's not everyday that we meet an 11 year old boy like you. And thank you for making the way for me to be friends with your friends, most especially teacher Nhica.

I love you anak. I miss you always.

Mommy Tintin

On your first birthday in heaven

I know I have never planned any of your birthdays this much, but then again you really never asked for anything. This year is different though, because it's your first birthday in heaven and I want everyone who knows you to remember you on this special day. I know in my heart that you were not into material things unless you needed them absolutely necessary, so I made a list of the things that I know you would want us to do instead. 

1. Light a candle (blue preferably if they have one) and say a little prayer.
2. Sing or play your favourite song "Lighters" by Eminem
3. Don't hurt or worse kill any insect or animals 4. Play a musical instrument if you are able to
5. Make someone's day "Lighter" in any way you can
6. Make your family and friends feel that you love and care for them
7. Avoid saying bad words
8. Draw something that reminds them of you
9. Wear white or blue
10.Remember your motto, "Kaya ko po, Ako Pa" and take the challenge of doing something they thought they can never do.

What do you think? I guess this sums up the person that you really were. I am very sure there is more, but we'll do another one next time.

By the way, your friend Anthony created a photo in zipzap and shared it on his facebook page. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness. 

"Keith of Hearts" - I think I may have read that in one of your friends letters to you when you left. I will have to go back to those letters so I can be reminded of it. Don't you think your friend is sweet? 

Hayyyy, you are surely missed anak. I know you're up there looking down on us. Please remember that we love you so much and no can take your place in our hearts. 

Ciao, baby.

Mommy Tintin

Mama is bothered about her dream

Mama sent me a message this morning saying that she couldn't sleep last night. She felt hot and then cold. And when she finally fell asleep, she dreamt about you.

She was apparently crying and told Inang and Lola Nora that she was missing you so much and that she wanted to see you and hug you. Then she went to pick you up and took you home, but she said that you would go back to where you were. She also asked you what you wanted, to go home to be with them or to stay where you were. You told Mama that you wanted to go home with her. There is one thing that's bothering her though. Because in that dream, Inang apparently gave you away in exchange of something else. But Mama is not sure what it was. So she is a little bit confused about that.

When Mama saw you in her dream, you were very handsome. You just had a haircut. Mama had to speak to an old woman and a man to ask permission if she could take you. Mama said that they were mother and son, and there were a lot of people over there. And there were kids too. And then they felt sad when Mama took you. But Mama told them that she was just borrowing you and that she would bring you back. You and Mama hugged each other and she was kissing you endlessly. She was very happy to see you. Mama saw your face like you were really there, if you know what I mean and the way you moved really didn't change, always graceful. 

Mama said her dream was very clear, to the point that she thought she brought you home for real. But she's bothered about her dream because she doesn't know what it means. I am planning to go to a dream interpreter tomorrow to hopefully find an answer to our dreams. I am very sure Mama misses you so much and that you visited her because you also miss her. You probably know that Mama longs to hold and kiss you again. In fact all of us longs for that. I know we're never ever gonna hug you again until we get to where you are, but your visits somehow reassures me that you're just around us.

I don't know what else to say. You know we miss you so much and it's less than a month now until your birthday. It's going to be hard.

We love you little angel.

Mommy Tintin

Your swing

I suddenly thought about your swing this morning. I don't know why but I had to send a message to Mama to find out if they also removed it when they cut the mango tree down. Mama said Uncle Ambo took it down as soon as Tatang asked him to cut the mango tree. I thought I am over the fact that I almost lost the place where you, our family and friends made memories together. But when I was suddenly reminded of your swing, I felt sad yet again.

You've had the swing since you were small I think and you and your Adings used to fight over it. I remember we had two, but I can't remember if the other one was still there when I went home for your send off. Maybe it was still there but I just didn't take so much notice of it. I know your swing is really humble. In fact it was just made of wood and rope, then hung on a branch of the mango tree. But hey, it lasted very long right? And as far as I know a lot of children and old people like me have enjoyed that swing. So I was kind of upset when I found out that it was also removed. I was hoping that somehow, that part of the mango tree was left alone. But never mind, perhaps we can always put it back when the branches re-grow.

You know why that swing is also special to me? Because I have seen you sat on that swing alone a lot of times. Sometimes even early in the morning when you woke up, you would go and sit over there. Even Mama Es said that she would miss seeing you hanging out on the swing.

I know I took a photo of you on the swing and here it is:

I have been studying this photo and until now I still can't figure out what you were doing. I am not sure if you were looking at a tiny thing on your hands or you were in deep thoughts. Honestly, I have a few photos of you on your own and looking like you were thinking carefully about something. You have always been mysterious at times you know. 

Nothing really. I am just missing you so much. I love talking about you and I love you.

Good night my sweet child.

Mommy Tintin

On heaven and souls

I grew up a catholic and I was even once a Cathechist. Of course I strongly believed in heaven and souls way back then...until you were taken away.

I guess it's normal for a bereaved mother like me to reassess my beliefs and worse, even question them. I got so confused when you left that I was not sure anymore if I had to keep believing that your soul has gone up to heaven. How could I believe that now? I know there is a body, but is there really a soul? Does heaven really exist? I have never been as skeptical as this when it comes to my religious beliefs. I know I am very much reluctant in believing history at times because the books that I have read may have just been written by a random person who has not actually experienced anything that has happened in the past. I know I totally don't make sense. But anyway....

Last night I told my friend about Papa's dream and she was teary-eyed and told me that she believes that you are indeed in heaven. She told me that when her mom was sick for a month, her soul traveled to heaven back and forth. Her mom apparently told them that she came back because heaven was too far and not everyone managed to get there. And according to her mom, she saw a long flight of stairs that she needed to climb up in order to get to heaven. She passed away eventually. I have heard of such stories before and I honestly believed them. But since you left I have had doubts. However, since your visit to Papa, I have been trying to convince myself that you are in heaven and that it exists for once and for all. I know I need a lot of reassurance on this, but in no time I will be able to convince myself fully that there is indeed life after death.

You probably think that mommy is crazy for thinking this way. But eventually things will definitely become clearer to me. Until then.....

Wherever you are, just know that I love you dearly and that I always think about you.

Mommy Tintin

Your bestfriend Aga

I was waiting for Mama to go online this afternoon so I could chat with her, but unfortunately, they had no electricity again so it took her a while to reply to my message. Anyway, she was apparently exchanging texts with Auntie Nitz. Of course they talked about you and Aga. Auntie Nitz told Mama that Aga has kept your photo in his wallet and he always remembers you. Auntie Nitz even thinks that Aga may not be able to find a new bff because he's trying to stick with you.

Then we moved on to your plans in attending the Regional Science school in Olongapo or Manila. I thought that was ambitious. But knowing you, you can do anything. And since you are no longer here, Mama told Auntie Nitz that Aga should pursue that dream even without you, because even if Aga can't see you, you can still see him from up there. Or maybe, you can still be with him in spirit.

I really don't often ask about Aga, but recently I have been thinking about him. It's only because I am wondering how it's gonna be like when he's older. I am sure he will never forget you because you did a lot of good things together. You were practically brothers from different mothers.

And also, when Ading Cxyrelle was making a list for her 7 roses, 7 candles etc for her 7th birthday, she mentioned about her Kuya Aga. Then I have an idea of Aga playing the violin on your first angelversary. I have also told Mama to ask Ate Glory if she can play "Lighters" on the day. I have so much plan for that day, but I don't think Papa or Tatang will approve of it. But we shall see.

I gotta go anak. It's always nice to write to you. Somehow it eases the pain a bit.

I love you so much and I am missing you more each day.

Mommy Tintin

Holding on the thought that you're in heaven

I can't get over Papa's dream that I felt the need to share it to my fellow grieving mothers. It is better that I share it with people who are in my shoes because they know how I feel. A few has already left comments and all of them are reassuring. Maybe I am just gonna settle with the fact that you are indeed already in heaven.

You know recently, I was talking to one of your friends at school and she was telling me about the things that are going on. I could feel that there is somewhat a frustration in what she was telling me and the way she described things kind of made me think, " What would Keith be doing in that situation?". She seems like she's struggling with how others have been behaving lately. At some point in our conversation, I told her that I am glad that you're no longer with them as I am not sure how you would have dealt with it. Then I realized that maybe what Tito Roman read at your send-off mass was right- that you were taken because God doesn't want you to be stained.

Your friend's stories got me thinking, would you have changed if you were still around? Would they have influenced you? I don't know because I have met your friends and I have seen how they acted. They very different from you, you were quiet, they were very active. Remember I even asked them what would you normally do if they're fooling around? And they just said, nothing. You would just be in a corner smiling at them. Although sometimes you would join them, but not as actively as they do. So perhaps, you wouldn't let them influence you, would you? Not that I am saying they're bad influences because I have already met them and I love them all dearly. But you probably know how it's like for other children to be children.

Well, maybe you have new friends in heaven and perhaps you play different games from what you were playing down here. Maybe you're star-fishing up there? How I wish I can see how you play in heaven. You can tell me all about it when you next visit me.

I am longing for you everyday anak. Mommy loves you more than words can ever say. I know you're safe and happy in heaven and I am glad that you have remained pure.

Mommy Tintin