You would have been one of them

Teacher Faye posted some photos of your friends on instagram today. As much as I was glad to see them, I am also very sad that you were no longer among those happy kids your teachers love taking photos of. There  was a photo of JT and JS, both your close friends at school. I couldn't help myself so I left a comment on the photo. I am not sure if your friends still talk about you like they did when you just left. I'm sure they have moved on. What I am hoping and praying is for them not to forget you, especially those who were close to your heart.

There was also a photo of HJ and C. Among your girl friends, I am most close to HJ because she treats me like a real Tita. Whenever she sees me online, she always says hi. And even when I am not online, she would leave a message to say that she misses me. I find her really sweet and I like her very much.

Oh, your favourite teachers had photos too, Teacher N and Teacher J.I wonder if they talk about you sometimes. I certainly hope they do. I know I expect too much, but you really shouldn't be forgotten. You were such an inspiration to a lot of young people.

I am hoping to speak to some of your friends again soon. It's a shame I will not be able to go home next month. I was looking forward to spending more time with them, but I have to set my priorities right. I can always hang out with them next time I go home.

See, if you didn't leave you would have been in those photos. Hayyy, it's really hard not to regret what happened to you. But as I always say, such is life.

I love you my baby. Missing you all the time.

Mommy Tintin

 

Christmas Carols

Today at work, students from Westminster school visited our ward and sung Christmas carols. One of them played music on the violin. I couldn't help but stop what I was doing as soon as I heard the sound of the violin. I went looking for it and by the time I got there, the music was already finished. But at least I was able to listen to it for a bit.

That reminded me of a video that Mama took two years ago during your recital. I remember that you played Silent Night with the rest of the kids in your violin class. It was not the most perfect performance, but it was good for beginners. I am just proud that despite your shyness, you were able to perform in front of other people.

I also remember that you used to sing Christmas carols to our neighbours with your Adings and your other cousins. You enjoyed singing and receiving money afterwards. If you hadn't left, you could have played the violin so you would get more money. But I'm sure you wouldn't ever do that because now you would have been 12 and you would be so embarrassed to go caroling. 

See, there are a lot of little things that reminds me of you. Other people may forget you, but I will never do. God knows how much I love and miss you. So please if you see God, ask Him to tell me why He took you. I really want to know.

Thank you baby.

Mommy Tintin

It's our 15th Anniversary

Daddy Don and I have been together for 15 years. We were on a long distance relationship for 10 years and then 5 years ago, he came to live me in England. How time flies really fast, hey? I was thinking last night that really, when you were born Daddy and I have been together for 3 years. I don't know but I have always thought that we were just going out when you were born, but apparently not.

Sayang, Daddy Don could tell you a lot of stories about how he pursued me and stuff. If only you stayed longer then he could have told you how to court a girl. I know Papa and Tatang would have also told you, but Daddy Don has his own style if you like.

I'm really thankful that we have gone this far. We've had our own share of ups and downs, but as you can see we have managed to stay together after all these years. Ah, I could have told you how he proposed to me in Venice. Maybe you could have done the same, huh?!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this day with you too. We will have a dinner at the most romantic restaurant in London, or so they say. Daddy and I always try to go out on a proper date on our anniversary. It's always good you know. So there you go.

I miss you and I love you so much anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

Amazing Grace

This song has a different meaning to me now and it has become more important to me than it ever did before. Amazing Grace is Inang's favourite song and she told me that sometime in November last year I think, she asked you to play it on the violin so she could sing along. You know how Inang is like. Whenever she's feeling down, she would always think that she has not got long to live. She gave you the same reason when she asked you to play the song with her, right? And yes, she wanted you to play the song on the violin when she leaves (whenever that would be). Little did she know that you would leave her sooner than she would have ever thought. Inang actually recorded your duet on her mobile phone. It's a shame it wasn't on the video. Oh wait, maybe it's on video. I just can't remember I will ask Mama again. But what I have is a video of you and Ate Glory playing Amazing Grace on the violin. Mama said that this was your first time to play it and it was almost perfect. So sayang talaga.

I will always be proud of you. I would have loved to watch you play more music on the violin, but God didn't allow that to happen. Whatever His reason is, I am still waiting to find out.

I will always love you baby no matter what happens. I am missing you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Your First Recital

I was just going to check if Mama has posted new photos on her facebook, but for some reason I was directed to her videos and I found some of your previous videos there. Remember your first recital? It was in 2010, and I think you've just joined Casa then. I remember Mama telling me that you were learning Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star in different versions. I really don't understand this very well as I was never into classical music, although I also wanted to learn how to play an instrument.

Anyway, I love watching your videos, particularly this one because you and Ading Linus played one after the other. I would never have thought that you would be brave enough to play the violin in front of many people because you were very shy. And the fact that you made a mistake in the middle of your performance, you carried on like a pro and finished it with pride. Now I know why you chose "Kaya Ko, Ako Pa" as your mantra. In everything that you did, you have proven that you could do anything! 

I would probably be sharing your videos with my letters in the next few days. You know how much I am proud of you, right?

Well done, baby! You've always done our family proud! I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

There is Christmas after all...

Well, I guess I spoke too soon. It looks like they have put up the christmas tree after all. Apparently Mama didn't want to put it up to begin with, but for some reason she did anyway. I guess it's a good thing because I know you would like to see those decorations anyway.

Your Adings are fine with it as well. What they don't like is the Christmas Day itself. They want to spend the day with you, so I think they're going to visit your house on earth on that day. I don't know know how it's like to spend Christmas without you. When I call home, I will only be speaking to two kids instead of three. I have to get used to this new thing. But anyway, looks like the spirit of Christmas is at home despite the fact that you're no longer here. I know this will bring a smile on your face.

I love you so much Pochongchong. Christmas will never be the same without you.

Mommy Tintin

It's almost the day....

Less than two months from now will be the most dreadful day of my life. It remains the saddest and the most unexpected event in all our lives. During this time last year, I was busy studying and moving from Bristol to London. I never realized that two months after that, you were going to leave us. If only I've known. It was also during this time that I really didn't call home that much because I was really busy. It was also this time of the year when you did a few things that you wouldn't really normally do. Maybe you were telling us that you were going to leave us soon, but as I said before we missed the signs. We simply didn't pay so much attention to it. This is because I never ever thought that you were going to leave us. It never really crossed my mind. Not this soon anyway.

I am not sure how I will celebrate Christmas knowing that you are not going to be around anymore. Tonight I went out to a pre-christmas meal with friends but I was not sure if I was meant to be doing that. At the same time, I think I should really start doing things like this because I need to find my new normal. Daddy and I are still thinking bout whether or not we should get a christmas tree this year. We didn't last year so I guess we won't this year either. Back home, they still don't have any christmas lights. Unusual isn't it? Because Inang is known to be putting up lights and decors as soon as the calendar hits September. But they are not so eager this year. In fact, I don't think they're planning to have any Christmas at all. It's going to be so difficult for us, especially to the people back home whom you're spent 11 years of Christmas with. It's just a shame that I only got to spend one Christmas with you, and that was even when you were just a baby. Ah, that reminds me that I have actually not gone home for Christmas in 11 years!

Time has gone really fast. I can't even believe that it's almost a year since we lost you. We are better yes, but our lives will never ever be the same again. We miss you everyday and all the time, I feel that there is always something missing in my life. There is always a broken piece and I don't think it will ever be fixed. Well, not until I probably see you again.

For now, I'm sending you loads of love to heaven. How I wish you can hear me say I love you again.

Mommy Tintin