20 new angels

I have just read a very sad news about a shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. I don't know what to say. What happened to you was ever so painful, but perhaps this tragedy is worse. At least we kind of believe that your passing was "maybe" God's will. But unfortunate circumstances like what happened to those children are quite difficult to understand. I feel so sorry to those parents who have lost their children from this. It is so heartbreaking.

Photo By ADREES LATIF/REUTERS (from yahoo.com)

The photo above caught my attention because it is so meaningful to me. I wonder if the man is looking up in the sky asking God why he allowed that to happen. In movies that I have watched before whenever someone looked up in the sky, they tend to ask where God was or if there was ever a God.

I feel so sad about what happened anak. Please pray for those angels and the families they left behind.

As for me, I am missing you so much. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Christmas won't be the same without you..

One of my favourite christmas songs sung by my favourite Martin Nieverra. I haven't actually sang the song for years and then yesterday I was watching my favourite Sarah G live and heard the song. It's actually more of a love song than anything else, but I just like the title because I know Christmas is never going to be the same without you. It's only a few days before Christmas and I am feeling the prick already. I don't know how Mama and your Adings are going to celebrate their Christmas, but I'm sure they will be missing you loads. As for me, I am still debating with Daddy Don whether to put up a Christmas tree or not. Maybe we should because this is Meow's first Christmas away from home. Maybe we should do it for him and perhaps for you. Unfortunately fireworks are not allowed here unless you get a permit. I know you loved fireworks.

Al though the song may not be appropriate for you, I just want to share it with you because I'm sure you haven't heard the song.

It's the time of year when good friends are near 

Tryin' hard to find a quiet moment, 

Sharing love and joy, children with their toys 

Sadness fills my heart to see you go 

Christmas won't be the same without you (without you) 

Christmas won't be the same if you go 

All I need to see standing by my 

Christmas tree (is you) 

Christmas won't be the same without you 

I remember when the times we used to spend 

Walking hand in hand until the sun sets, 

Then came Christmas eve, the wish you gave to me 

How I wish I tried to make you stay 

It's been a long, long time 

I need you by my side 

Hold me tight and don't let go 

Let go 

I will be missing you this Christmas and on Christmases to come. I love you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

Just one wish...

I am a bit confused and feeling low right now anak. I am a little disappointed and frustrated that things are not getting any better. So.....

Well, maybe we will go through some hard stuff, but they would have been easier to deal it if you were here. We need you in our lives. Personally, you gave me so much hope and seeing your face and hearing your voice made my hard days an easy one.

I wish you could come back. I miss you so much. Mommy loves you, always.

Mommy Tintin

One big sigh...

Your teachers have been posting photos of your friends and as much as I love looking at their photos because I miss them too, I feel really sad that you are not with them. I'm sure you would have enjoyed dancing and laughing with them, or maybe just smiling at them as you were very shy sometimes. It breaks my heart seeing their happy photos because I am missing you more. I really don't know what to say, just one big sigh......

HAYYYYYYYYYY

I miss you so much and I am hoping that your friends still think about you in good times and bad. I love you my baby.

Mommy Tintin

A candle for you

I didn't realize that there is this "Light A Candle" thing that's going on in Grieving Mother's facebook. I only found out about it now. If I've know I would have bought you a blue candle. All I have at home is a red candle, but I'm sure you won't mind.

And with lighting a candle comes this beautiful poem from Grieving Mothers:

As we light these four candles in honor of you, we light one for our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES and one for our LOVE.

This candle represents our GRIEF. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of 

our love for you.

This candle represents our COURAGE – to confront our sorrow. to comfort each other, to change our lives.

This light is in your MEMORY – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us.

This light is for the light of LOVE.

As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us. We love you!

Remember that photo? It was my first vacation from England and I brought you this football kit. Manchester United was Daddy Don's favourite football team at that time. I remember taking this photo. You  were really enjoying kicking the ball and posing for photos. This is one of my favourite photos of you. I love it when you smile because your dimples come out. This and another of your photo with Inang and Ading Linus when he was a baby are the only framed photos I have of you in our house. It's only because I am really not into displaying photos. Well, there are also a couple of our photos but that's it. 

I hope you liked the candle that I lit for you. It's a K Lighter Day despite the fact that I am missing you so much. I love you baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

My emotional start of the day

I had multiple dreams again last night. First of all, I dreamt that my friend Bernadette threw a surprise birthday for me in December ha. My birthday is in July and I don't know why I dreamt about this. I don't know if I have told you that I wanted to be surprised by friends and family on one of  my birthdays. I just love pleasant surprises basically. But that dream was really weird as the surprise happened 5 months after my day. There were cards, flowers and I think there were candles to blow too. Thinking about it now, this dream is actually quite scary. Why the flowers and the candles? I was happy in the dream though so it can't be bad. Oh my God, now I've got another thing to think and be stressed about. I hope this dream doesn't mean anything bad.

The second dream was that I was having an operation on my eye. I dreamt about this probably because I have been having an itch problem under my left eye. I have been irritated by it and have been thinking about it even when I'm asleep I guess. And so in that dream, I had a problem with my eyesight and the doctor told me that they should operate on it. Weird.

There was a third dream but I can't recall anything now. It always happens you know. And this is despite the fact that I now sleep with Meow. Before when I sleep with Meow, I don't dream. But now, it doesn't seem to work anymore which makes me sad. But Meow comforts me you know.

Perhaps those dreams affected me a bit because I was not very enthusiastic when I woke up this morning. I just wanted to stay in bed. I was cuddling Meow all the time. And then all of a sudden, Daddy asked something about you and I started crying. I held meow tight and just let my emotions out. When this happens, I tend to question again. It's really hard to accept what happened sometimes. You know when you think that you're okay now and that you have learned to accept the painful things that happened in your life, and all of a sudden you're knocked right down again because the reality is, you're really not okay. Maybe this is me pretending to be okay when I'm really not. I don't know really.

But Daddy has been very good and he just hugged me tight when I started crying. He always gives me time to let all my emotions out. Well, some days are really better than others.

I cry because I miss you and I have told you about this before. How I wish I can have you back in my life. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Ading Linus can't leave you

I know you know what I mean. Remember I told you that Tatang Cardo has not been well lately? Well, Mama is planning to visit him sometime after Christmas. And of course she wants to bring your Adings because Tatang Cardo asked to see them too. But apparently Ading Linus doesn't want to go because you will be left behind if he did. I couldn't help but cry when Papa told me about this. I know Ading doesn't want to leave you for a long time. It's okay if it's just for a day but he knows that if they go to Ilocos, they will stay there for a good few days. It's not even as if they visit your new house on earth everyday either, so I don't know why he gets the idea that you will be left behind. Maybe he is too young to understand about spirit and stuff? I don't really know. I am not even sure how he understands the fact that you are gone forever. The problem I think is that both Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle expect that you will be coming back someday. They are not losing their hope. It's really sad and how I wish I could help them understand a lot of things.

I hope Ading is okay. I told Papa that maybe he hasn't moved on from losing you. I can feel that he is suffering, but how can a 9 year old express how he really feels? I read one time that there was a child who lost her brother and she didn't speak for two years because of that. I am really glad that even if Ading Linus doesn't really express himself a lot, at least he seems to be strong. Papa was also suppressing his emotions during the early days of your passing. He even didn't want me and Mama to talk about you. But now, I think he is better because he can now talk about you at least. Maybe not fully, but at least he is starting to loosen up a bit.

I am just hoping that Ading Linus will understand that it's okay to leave you because they are not really leaving you anyway. You will be with them in spirit and I know Tatang Cardo is your favourite and you will not miss this trip for anything. As much as I wanted to reassure Ading Linus, I know I can't because if I do speak to him, I will probably end up crying and I don't want Ading Linus to hear me cry. I know he is trying to be strong for Mama, Papa and Ading Cxyrelle, so I also want to be strong for him. I just feel sad that good kids like your Adings have to go through this. And of course I feel even sadder that an almost perfect child like you has to be taken away too soon. One day I know I'll find out why. For now, no matter how hard it is to keep the faith, I know I have too.

As I always say, Mommy loves you so much and I would do anything to have you back because I am missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin