The Future

Daddy was reading an article in yahoo this morning and something caught my eye. Actually Daddy has already moved on to the next article but I asked him to go back because at an instant I knew it was something familiar.

Photo By David A. Aguilar/Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics from yahoo.com

I know it's not exactly like this, but the one you made late last year had the same concept and you even called it the "Future". I am having goose bumps as I write this to you. But most of all, I am so proud that you thought of that idea.

I think the article is about a futuristic computer software that they are supposed to use for Quantum computers although these computers don't exist as yet.

Daddy is right in saying that they're not exactly the same, but I strongly believe that you and whoever made that photo has the same concept - it's about the future. Whatever they say, I am so proud of you for coming up with something like this.

Mommy will be proud of you forever and ever. I love you with all my heart. Missing you so much Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

Things are never better

They said God took you for a reason and sooner than later we will find out why He has taken you and then things will become better. Five months on and things are never better and Mommy is losing the faith. It is not fair that after losing you, He still puts me into this emotional battle that is slowly taking my sanity away. Why would he allow things to happen this way? Is it not enough that He has taken you? 

I know I should hold onto Him. Perhaps you are both watching me right now. I am not sure what you're thinking but Mommy is clearly struggling. How long will I have to be in this situation? Yes, I think I am strong, but even strength has its end. What if one day I can no longer take the pain? What should I do?

Back home is not any better and what's happening there at the moment is just making matters worse. You probably know what I mean anak. I thought now that you're gone, people will realize that maybe it's time to change for the better, for you. But time and time again, things go back to where they used to be. The screaming, the swearing, the blaming. Ah, when is this ever gonna end? I wish I can just go to sleep one day and be free of all this mess.

Or is it because I am not asking anything from God? I must admit I have stopped praying. I see these people who don't believe in God and yet living a happy life and I get very jealous. And here we are,  believers of God, why are we the ones suffering? Is there a point? I know anak, you probably are not happy with this because you were so religious and you had a strong faith in God. But this doesn't mean that I don't love God anymore though. It's just that I don't know what else to do. I am so hurt. I don't know why I have to suffer continuously. Can He not touch other people so they will stop giving me heartaches? He knows how much I tried. Ah, how I wish I can write everything here. But I am sure you have been watching me and that you know what I am going through.

I just want you to continue praying for me. I know I will learn how to pray again, but right now I just can't get to it. I am very much hurt. And please tell Father God I am so sorry, but I still believe in Him and I love Him just the same.

I love you so much baby. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Ading Linus heard your voice

So he says. It was last Sunday morning when Ading Linus believed he heard your voice. Mama only told me about it today. Apparently, he woke up and went straight downstairs to Inang's room leaving Ading Cxyrelle upstairs on her own while she was still sleeping. While Ading Linus was lying down on the bed, he heard you calling him "Ading", not just once but a few times. According to him, the voice originally came through the window then from the side where Inang's mirror is. Then when yje voice came on again, it was from the closet and the door, until he heard it coming from the ceiling, from your room. I asked Ading if he was asleep because maybe then he was just dreaming, but he said he was wide awake. Knowing Ading Linus, he got scared and covered his face with a blanket and called Inang. He told her what happened.

Mama told me that when you were here, you didn't like leaving Ading Kika on her own upstairs and you would always call Ading Linus to look after her when you needed to go downstairs. Perhaps that's what happened that's why Ading Linus heard you calling him? I am not sure, but Ading is adamant that he heard you. There is definitely nothing wrong with that but you know how Ading is like, he easily gets scared. You probably remember how he reacts whenever you tried to scare him before. He couldn't even watch Seven Avengefold's music video for one of their songs.

But Ading was quite happy to tell me the story. H seemed to be very sure that it was your voice that he heard. Bless him.

I know you are watching over them. Thank you anak. Your Adings surely miss you so much.

BY the way, Ading Linus, Tito JL and I skyped for the first time. I just found out that Tito also has a skype so we tried it and it worked. How I wish you were here so we could all skype together. I miss you so badly you know. I always think about you. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Daddy worried me last night

Daddy came home early from work yesterday around 630pm. He asked me if I wanted to go out but I said no because I was going to work today and I had to cook for my baon. He said he needed to go out because he was stressed with work the day before. So I said he could go without me which he did. I told him to bring his mobile but it had no battery so there was no point. I was giving him my other mobile but he refused to take it.

I was hoping he would come home early thinking that he will work the following day. But 1130pm came and he still wasn't home. There was no way I could contact him so I didn't know where he was. I have this tendency to panic if he doesn't come home at the I am expecting him to. At first, I thought I'd sit at home and wait. But after playing a few rounds on Bejewelled Blitz, I started to worry and couldn't sleep. By this time it was already quarter to 12 (midnight). I wanted to try and sleep because I was going to do an extra shift today, but because I was in a panic mode, I couldn't. Then I started feeling sick and having loose stools. Perhaps due to stress. So I dressed up and decided to go out and wait for him at the bus stop. This was already 12 midnight. I was not scared because I could still see people walking down the street and some stores were still open. You know what anak, I already have this problem even when I was in the Philippines. When Papa or Tatang didn't come home on time, I would go out in the street on my own to look for them even if Inang told me not to. And then every time I heard a loud noise, I would start panicking. Just like last night, I got very nervous whenever I heard a siren.

Anyway, I thought I'd let someone know about this so I texted my friend and asked if she was still awake, and she was. So I told her that I was outside and waiting for your Daddy because he hasn't come home since 7pm. I told her I was okay so she just told me to ring her if I needed anything and I left it there. 

More or less ten buses have passed by and Daddy was not in any of them. I almost felt like I wanted to pass out. I was shaking and palpitating. It was just before 1am when my friend called back and told me that her husband was on his way to keep me company because they were worried about me for being outside that time of the night. So he came and asked if I wanted to go find him, but I told him I didn't know where he was. We ended up going to all the bus stops that I could possibly think of where he might get off. My friend's husband reassured me that everything would be okay and that Daddy would be home soon. But the state of panic I was in, I couldn't be reassured. 

After 1am, buses would only come every half an hour so we decided to go home and have a cup of tea. Thirty minutes later, I asked him if we could go back to the bus stop and check on Daddy. Three buses came and he wasn't there. Then my friend told me, okay we'll give it until 2-230. And if he still won't turn up, come and stay with us. I wouldn't know what to do if he still didn't turn up at that time. But luckily, at 2am, he finally arrived. I was relieved at the same time I was very angry at him for not even trying to call me or send me a message. The last time  he forgot his mobile at home, he used the public phone to call me and even went to a computer shop to send me a message. But why didn't he do that this time?

He was surprised to see me with my friend. Daddy said, "oh you're so sweet for coming here". I was like, "really?". Apparently he met some people and he was with them. I really didn't care if he was with anybody or not. I just wanted to know where he was. Then he told me I shouldn't really have bothered other people. He clearly didn't realize the situation that he had put me in. He even said that it was only 2am and that I was just over reacting. I was gob-smacked honestly. I didn't even know what to say. I just cried to relieve my frustrations and then chatted to a couple of my friends until 5am.

He probably didn't realize that I'm still not over your passing. The pain of losing you remains unbearable. And just the thought of the possibility that something might happen to your Daddy was making me crazy. I really don't want to go through that horrible experience again, or even just the thought of it. I am not sure if I would be strong enough if anything happens to him or any of our family, God forbid. So I was expecting that Daddy would understand that. But he seemed like he didn't care about how I felt.

I still haven't spoken to him properly yet. I don't even know where to start. But I know I have to tell him how I feel. For now I should just :

Thanks for listening anak. I know you were with me last night because you were constantly in my thoughts. I love you so much. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

You finally visited Inang

Inang has been hoping and praying that you would visit her soon. Then the other night you finally did.

In Inang's dream, you were definitely gone. She apparently entered a house and you were inside. They took you out of your eternal bed and put you on top of another bed covered in white sheets. When Inang saw what they did, she cried but a lady dressed in white approached her and comforted her. The lady told her not to cry anymore because they were also going to put white wings on you. Inang said you were very handsome. According to her, you were clothed in a very beautiful gold outfit, just like what they normally put on Sto. Nino.

photo from free-extras.com

So, while Inang was watching, she noticed a man entering the door. She greeted the old man, but he ignored her and carried on walking. The room was apparently full of people dressed in white, but Inang didn't recognize any of them. All the doors and the windows were closed. When Inang went out of the house, she saw Daddy Henry. Daddy Henry thought that Inang didn't see you. But she told him she's just been inside. Then they closed the door behind her and that's when she was woken up. 

Inang tried to go back to sleep again because she didn't want her dream to end. She told me whenever she wakes up in the night thinking about you, she wouldn't normally go back to sleep anymore. But this time, she was keen to fall asleep again hoping that her dream would go on. She said she doesn't know what her dream means. She's still trying to figure out what the message is. I'm sure my religious friend knows. So when I go back to work next week, I'm going to ask her.

Ah, just last night I was crying because I was missing you and now Inang dreamt about you. By the way, Inang told me that whenever she misses you she hugs your photo and she feels like she's hugging you for real because the frame feels really thick. Perhaps you do hug her back.

And oh, on Monday, Tito JL also dreamt about you. He said in his dream he knew you were gone, but he felt like you were still with us.

I know you're just there anak. Just continue to pray and watch over us. Although we miss you very much, we know that you're in a better place. We love you very much always and forever.

Mommy Tintin

Your Adings are ready for school

So, Ading Linus has followed your advice and transferred to Pedro M. Arce Ecumenical School. Apparently, you told him sometime in November or December that he should transfer there this year. Perhaps that was your way of telling him that you will no longer be with him, so he's going to be alone. I know you didn't want that to happen. And maybe you want him and Ading Cxyrelle to be at the same school so they can be together now. I know that Ading Linus has always wanted to transfer to PMA, but you asked him to stay with you until you graduated from grade school. But then you probably knew that you wouldn't be able to make it to your graduation anymore so you told him to just transfer.

Anyway, they went to Olongapo the other day to buy their school stuff. I think they went to SM and Ayala Centre. Yes, anak they have those in Olongapo now. I think I forgot to tell you about it. SM is not that huge. I know you won't trade SM North Edsa for any SM Department stores in the Philippines. That was the only department store you wanted to go to. Ading Linus didn't buy a new bag because he said he still has his bag from last year and it's still new. That's one thing I really like about Ading Lye because he is okay to wear old things. I remember he always wanted your old uniforms and clothes even if Inang or Mama wanted to buy him new ones. He would always say, "yung naliitan na lang po ni Kuya". Your brother is really sweet and I know you knew that. On the other hand, Ading Cxyrelle bought a new bag. According to Mama, she has always wanted to buy this princess or barbie bag and luckily, Mama found one. Mama told me that Ading Cxyrelle's school supplies are all barbie. Ading is so maarte, right? Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Ading's bag is bigger than her, haha! She told Papa on skype the other day that she could fit in her bag! She even went inside the bag! She's so funny.

Ah, I hate days like this because it's never complete. Before they were taking three kids to shop for school supplies, now there's just two. I  am emotional at the moment because school is opening soon and you would have been in sixth grade. The class won't start until the 13th of June for private schools. I was chatting with your friend Anthony the other day and he said he is excited to go back to school. I hope that they will still remember you and talk about you even if you're no longer with them.

I am crying again because I am missing you very much. That's everyday, although sometimes I don't cry but I think about you all the time. I love you with all my heart.

Mommy Tintin

Baseball

Guess what we found today anak? A baseball field! Daddy and I were doing our usual morning run when we spotted men in baseball uniforms. So when we finished our run, we went to check it out. And yes, there is a baseball diamond right where we live. Daddy is so excited about it because he loves baseball. In fact, he used to play at school when he was in junior high. I was telling him to ask if he could join but I think he was embarrassed to ask. But anyway, we couldn't give this chance a miss, so we decided to go back after we had a shower. We watched the game for like 2 and a half hours.

Watching the game reminded me of you because I know that you loved baseball. In fact, Papa bought you a baseball bat, right? But I don't think you have used it that much. Even now, Ading Linus hasn't used it since you left. I think I will tell him to play baseball when the weather is better.

I'm glad Mama took some photos of you, Ading and your friends playing baseball a little while ago. At least I can remind you of it.

I just noticed it now that your bat was actually a bamboo, haha. I wonder where your proper baseball bat was.

And while you, Ading and your friends played on a dry field, the baseball players here played on a green grass. And their bats were I think aluminum. I was thinking about you the whole time that I was watching the game because I know you would have loved to watch it.

As you can see Daddy was very much engaged to the game. 

How I wish you were with us. I know you would have enjoyed it. It's really hard to believe that you're gone. I know you can see me cry each time I look at your pictures. But that's only because I am missing you so much. I love you very very much anak. Please watch over us. And please visit me again. It's been a while.

Mommy Tintin