Just one wish...

I am a bit confused and feeling low right now anak. I am a little disappointed and frustrated that things are not getting any better. So.....

Well, maybe we will go through some hard stuff, but they would have been easier to deal it if you were here. We need you in our lives. Personally, you gave me so much hope and seeing your face and hearing your voice made my hard days an easy one.

I wish you could come back. I miss you so much. Mommy loves you, always.

Mommy Tintin

One big sigh...

Your teachers have been posting photos of your friends and as much as I love looking at their photos because I miss them too, I feel really sad that you are not with them. I'm sure you would have enjoyed dancing and laughing with them, or maybe just smiling at them as you were very shy sometimes. It breaks my heart seeing their happy photos because I am missing you more. I really don't know what to say, just one big sigh......

HAYYYYYYYYYY

I miss you so much and I am hoping that your friends still think about you in good times and bad. I love you my baby.

Mommy Tintin

A candle for you

I didn't realize that there is this "Light A Candle" thing that's going on in Grieving Mother's facebook. I only found out about it now. If I've know I would have bought you a blue candle. All I have at home is a red candle, but I'm sure you won't mind.

And with lighting a candle comes this beautiful poem from Grieving Mothers:

As we light these four candles in honor of you, we light one for our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES and one for our LOVE.

This candle represents our GRIEF. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of 

our love for you.

This candle represents our COURAGE – to confront our sorrow. to comfort each other, to change our lives.

This light is in your MEMORY – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us.

This light is for the light of LOVE.

As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us. We love you!

Remember that photo? It was my first vacation from England and I brought you this football kit. Manchester United was Daddy Don's favourite football team at that time. I remember taking this photo. You  were really enjoying kicking the ball and posing for photos. This is one of my favourite photos of you. I love it when you smile because your dimples come out. This and another of your photo with Inang and Ading Linus when he was a baby are the only framed photos I have of you in our house. It's only because I am really not into displaying photos. Well, there are also a couple of our photos but that's it. 

I hope you liked the candle that I lit for you. It's a K Lighter Day despite the fact that I am missing you so much. I love you baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

My emotional start of the day

I had multiple dreams again last night. First of all, I dreamt that my friend Bernadette threw a surprise birthday for me in December ha. My birthday is in July and I don't know why I dreamt about this. I don't know if I have told you that I wanted to be surprised by friends and family on one of  my birthdays. I just love pleasant surprises basically. But that dream was really weird as the surprise happened 5 months after my day. There were cards, flowers and I think there were candles to blow too. Thinking about it now, this dream is actually quite scary. Why the flowers and the candles? I was happy in the dream though so it can't be bad. Oh my God, now I've got another thing to think and be stressed about. I hope this dream doesn't mean anything bad.

The second dream was that I was having an operation on my eye. I dreamt about this probably because I have been having an itch problem under my left eye. I have been irritated by it and have been thinking about it even when I'm asleep I guess. And so in that dream, I had a problem with my eyesight and the doctor told me that they should operate on it. Weird.

There was a third dream but I can't recall anything now. It always happens you know. And this is despite the fact that I now sleep with Meow. Before when I sleep with Meow, I don't dream. But now, it doesn't seem to work anymore which makes me sad. But Meow comforts me you know.

Perhaps those dreams affected me a bit because I was not very enthusiastic when I woke up this morning. I just wanted to stay in bed. I was cuddling Meow all the time. And then all of a sudden, Daddy asked something about you and I started crying. I held meow tight and just let my emotions out. When this happens, I tend to question again. It's really hard to accept what happened sometimes. You know when you think that you're okay now and that you have learned to accept the painful things that happened in your life, and all of a sudden you're knocked right down again because the reality is, you're really not okay. Maybe this is me pretending to be okay when I'm really not. I don't know really.

But Daddy has been very good and he just hugged me tight when I started crying. He always gives me time to let all my emotions out. Well, some days are really better than others.

I cry because I miss you and I have told you about this before. How I wish I can have you back in my life. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Ading Linus can't leave you

I know you know what I mean. Remember I told you that Tatang Cardo has not been well lately? Well, Mama is planning to visit him sometime after Christmas. And of course she wants to bring your Adings because Tatang Cardo asked to see them too. But apparently Ading Linus doesn't want to go because you will be left behind if he did. I couldn't help but cry when Papa told me about this. I know Ading doesn't want to leave you for a long time. It's okay if it's just for a day but he knows that if they go to Ilocos, they will stay there for a good few days. It's not even as if they visit your new house on earth everyday either, so I don't know why he gets the idea that you will be left behind. Maybe he is too young to understand about spirit and stuff? I don't really know. I am not even sure how he understands the fact that you are gone forever. The problem I think is that both Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle expect that you will be coming back someday. They are not losing their hope. It's really sad and how I wish I could help them understand a lot of things.

I hope Ading is okay. I told Papa that maybe he hasn't moved on from losing you. I can feel that he is suffering, but how can a 9 year old express how he really feels? I read one time that there was a child who lost her brother and she didn't speak for two years because of that. I am really glad that even if Ading Linus doesn't really express himself a lot, at least he seems to be strong. Papa was also suppressing his emotions during the early days of your passing. He even didn't want me and Mama to talk about you. But now, I think he is better because he can now talk about you at least. Maybe not fully, but at least he is starting to loosen up a bit.

I am just hoping that Ading Linus will understand that it's okay to leave you because they are not really leaving you anyway. You will be with them in spirit and I know Tatang Cardo is your favourite and you will not miss this trip for anything. As much as I wanted to reassure Ading Linus, I know I can't because if I do speak to him, I will probably end up crying and I don't want Ading Linus to hear me cry. I know he is trying to be strong for Mama, Papa and Ading Cxyrelle, so I also want to be strong for him. I just feel sad that good kids like your Adings have to go through this. And of course I feel even sadder that an almost perfect child like you has to be taken away too soon. One day I know I'll find out why. For now, no matter how hard it is to keep the faith, I know I have too.

As I always say, Mommy loves you so much and I would do anything to have you back because I am missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

You would have been one of them

Teacher Faye posted some photos of your friends on instagram today. As much as I was glad to see them, I am also very sad that you were no longer among those happy kids your teachers love taking photos of. There  was a photo of JT and JS, both your close friends at school. I couldn't help myself so I left a comment on the photo. I am not sure if your friends still talk about you like they did when you just left. I'm sure they have moved on. What I am hoping and praying is for them not to forget you, especially those who were close to your heart.

There was also a photo of HJ and C. Among your girl friends, I am most close to HJ because she treats me like a real Tita. Whenever she sees me online, she always says hi. And even when I am not online, she would leave a message to say that she misses me. I find her really sweet and I like her very much.

Oh, your favourite teachers had photos too, Teacher N and Teacher J.I wonder if they talk about you sometimes. I certainly hope they do. I know I expect too much, but you really shouldn't be forgotten. You were such an inspiration to a lot of young people.

I am hoping to speak to some of your friends again soon. It's a shame I will not be able to go home next month. I was looking forward to spending more time with them, but I have to set my priorities right. I can always hang out with them next time I go home.

See, if you didn't leave you would have been in those photos. Hayyy, it's really hard not to regret what happened to you. But as I always say, such is life.

I love you my baby. Missing you all the time.

Mommy Tintin

 

Christmas Carols

Today at work, students from Westminster school visited our ward and sung Christmas carols. One of them played music on the violin. I couldn't help but stop what I was doing as soon as I heard the sound of the violin. I went looking for it and by the time I got there, the music was already finished. But at least I was able to listen to it for a bit.

That reminded me of a video that Mama took two years ago during your recital. I remember that you played Silent Night with the rest of the kids in your violin class. It was not the most perfect performance, but it was good for beginners. I am just proud that despite your shyness, you were able to perform in front of other people.

I also remember that you used to sing Christmas carols to our neighbours with your Adings and your other cousins. You enjoyed singing and receiving money afterwards. If you hadn't left, you could have played the violin so you would get more money. But I'm sure you wouldn't ever do that because now you would have been 12 and you would be so embarrassed to go caroling. 

See, there are a lot of little things that reminds me of you. Other people may forget you, but I will never do. God knows how much I love and miss you. So please if you see God, ask Him to tell me why He took you. I really want to know.

Thank you baby.

Mommy Tintin