I would like think that I have done very well since you have left. I came back to work only a month after. The first week was obviously the worst as I cried whenever people asked me if I was okay. Last week was a bit better, and so far this week I have been good. Perhaps there is no right word to describe how I feel. I can just easily say, I'm good or I'm okay, or even not too bad. But does it really matter to them? I feel that sometimes they're only asking me just for the sake of it. I might be wrong though, maybe they do really care. It's probably just the bitterness I am feeling right now. I think of those people who are worse than me, or us as a family. Why not them, why us? And there I go again, asking why. I shouldn't really but I can't help it.
I don't know. I just thought I need some reassurance to somehow make me feel better. Hence, I searched on the internet for inspiring poems. And here's what I found:
"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown
Exactly how I feel sometimes.
On a lighter note, I spoke to Mama again today. She said she has taken your protrait to Joeygene to have it framed. She said it's expensive, but it doesn't matter. Just like I did when you were still with us, I tried to give you everything. Now is no different. I'll do everything for you. But please don't ask me to stop crying or stop feeling sad. Because that's the only thing I can't probably do for you. Not now, anyway.
By the way, Ading Cxyrelle was still awake when I called. She was playing Barbie on the computer. Apparently she only asked for an hour. And while she was playing I could hear her humming a familiar song. Bless her. She was trying to sing it, but perhaps she doesn't know the lyrics. I told Mama to ask her what she was singing, but she said she didn't know. All she said was that it was your song. From what I could hear, it was "Love the Way You Lie" by Rhianna and Eminem. I am not sure though. She was so cute. Ading Linus was already asleep when I called so I was not able to speak to him.
That's it for the day, my baby. Please always remember that we love you. Missing you loads. Hugs and Kisses.
Mommy Tintin
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