Someone again asked if I had a child

Well I was not asked directly but our conversation went to that direction anyway. I was clerking a patient this afternoon and we were talking about children travelling. I told her that if I were to have a child, I would encourage him or her to travel at a young age. It's probably my fault because I didn't give her any clue that I indeed had a child.

As much as possible I don't want to tell my patients about you, only because it may be unprofessional to do that. But sometimes I really can't deny you. I would always want to tell people about you but at the same time I don't want to be emotional in front of people I don't know. But today I knew I had to tell my patient about you because she was very nice. After I told her about my plans for your future siblings, she was like, "Oh so you don't have a child?". I was not sure how to answer her to begin with but then I told her I had a son but lost him in January. She was very sorry to hear about the sad news. I went on to tell her what happened to you. She looked reallly interested in finding out more about you so I took the opportunity to tell her as much as I could. Then she told me that her former husband also lost a two year old child.

She told me it doesn't really matter how long it has been since I lost you because whatever I do the pain will remain for as long as I live. She's quite right. Because although I feel better sometimes, the pain don't completely go away and I don't think it ever will. It defintely makes me feel better talking about you, but then again not everyone I speak to are interested to know about you.

But I will never get tired of telling people about you. As long as I live, I will talk about you.

Missing you loads. I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Update on Dengue

Rainy days are here again. From what I have known, Dengue Virus is more prevalent this time of the year. So today, I went online to check for some updates on the virus and found some interesting news.

According to reports, Dengue cases in the Philippines are increasing year after year. Philippine Daily Inquirer has recently reported that there has been 16,511 Dengue cases as of March 2012, 10 of which have resulted to death. I wonder if you were included in that statistics. See, there is really not a significant number of mortality cases from Dengue. It was just so unfortunate that you were one of the few. But regardless of how small the mortality rate is, no one should die from Dengue because it is a preventable disease.

Apparently, Dengue has become a yearlong virus because the mosquitoes no longer breed only during rainy season, but all throughout the year. Besides, the dengue-carrying mosquitoes do not only bite during the day, but also during the night. So, everyone should really take extra precautions as according to some reports, the danger of dengue has become more serious.

I am not sure if our local government has any projects this year regarding dengue. Perhaps the community health workers should conduct seminars in our barangays to raise awareness on dengue virus and its prevention. Or maybe they should do fogging again. I hope the  fight against dengue virus in our area didn't end the day you left us because I know that if we take things for granted, more and more lives will be taken away by this deadly virus.

Meanwhile, I found this very helpful article from Inquirer regarding Anti-Dengue awareness campaign and I would like to share this information to those who will come across my letters to you.

1. Some 100 million people around the world get dengue every year, according to the World Health Organization. Dengue cases grow by 90 to 300 percent annually in various parts of the Philippines. Dengue is an acute infectious viral disease that can kill. The virus is transmitted by aedes mosquitoes.

2. Symptoms:  Headache, vomiting, high temperatures that persist, muscle and joint pain, pain around the eyes and skin blotches.  The disease is usually mistaken for the flu, that’s why it is not treated on time. Don’t delay, consult a medical practitioner.

3. Early treatment is important to prevent death from dengue. Have a CBC so that your platelet count can be determined. You have dengue when your platelet count is low. If this happens, go immediately to a hospital. Don’t take aspirin and NSAID as these help increase bleeding.

4. Make tea from tawa-tawa (Euphorbia hirta) and young kamote (sweet potato) leaves. Make juice from two papaya leaves and drink it. Plant eucalyptus, neem and citronella in your backyard so you can use their leaves for incense. [Note: The Department of Health has not declared tawa-tawa a dengue cure.]

5. Clean surroundings. Ensure that there is no stagnant water in flower pots, plastic bags, tires, cans, bottles and gutter where mosquitoes can breed. Ensure that water channels are not clogged. Fill up potholes so that they won’t collect water.

6. Rest. Take nutritious food (soft diet like congee). Take paracetamol and have a sponge bath so that the fever would subside. Go to a hospital to find out whether you have dengue hemmorhagic fever. Your liver could be affected if your platelet count drops precipitously. Protect yourself with mosquito nets, screens and nontoxic insect repellents.

7. Boost the immune system by eating vegetables and fruits. Drink copious amounts of water, coconut juice and herbal tea. Also take supplements like M+ to get vitamins A, B, C, K, folic acid and minerals. A weak body is susceptible to disease.

8. Dengue super heroes. Frogs, birds, fish and dragonflies that kill thousands of kiti-kiti (mosquito larvae) and mosquitoes are adversely affected by herbicides, pesticides and other poisonous chemicals. DEET, a potent poison, poses a threat to children. The best way to fight dengue is to kill mosquito larvae. (http://opinion.inquirer.net/10803/what-we-can-do-to-fight-dengue)

Apart from this, the Philippine Association of Entomologists is endorsing the  Green Cross Insect Repellant Lotion as a protection against dengue-lamok. So I'm going to ask Mama to buy one for your Adings.

I have never cared so much about Dengue virus until I lost you. Now I want to do as much I can to help others. At the moment, this is all I can do, but I am hoping that I can do a little bit more in the future.

I am going to do anything for you anak, just like I did when you were still here.

Mommy loves you and misses you more each day.

Mommy Tintin

We are finally going to NYC!

I don't think I have told you that Daddy and I originally planned to go to New York  in February, after we came back from the Philippines. However, we both didn't realize that I needed an ESTA (Electornic System for Visa Authorization). It was only implemented in 2009 I think and neither of us has been to the US since 2007, so we didn't know. We only found out that I needed one on the day that we were supposed to fly. This is despite the fact that I am now a British Citizen. Apparently, ESTA is a requirement for those in the countries under the Visa Waiver Program like the UK. Anyway, I applied for ESTA at that time, but I had to say  "Yes" to the question which asked if I have ever been denied a US Visa because I was denied 10 years ago when I attempted to visit your Lola Linda. So the result was pending until three hours before our flight. Thinking that I will not be granted an ESTA, Daddy and I decided to just rebook the flight and  I decided to just apply personally for a visa.

So this morning I had my interview at the US Embassy. Just like any other interviews, I was a bit nervous. Although I had an appointment for 9am, I still had to join the queue. First of all, I was asked by the a lady outside if I had any electronics in my bag. I confidently said no because I left my mobile phones at home. But when I was inside for the security check, I was asked to go back because the machine detected my earphones. I asked if I could just leave it there but they said no. They instructed me to go to number 37 which I didn't have any idea where. So instead of wasting another 10 minutes (or could be more) looking for number 37, I decided to get rid of it otherwise I would be late for my interview. I was gonna throw it in the bin but I thought I'd just give it to someone. So when I saw a Lola and a guy hanging out in the park, I asked them if they wanted my earphone. The guy just smiled at me while Lola said, "Yes please". So I gave my earphones to Lola. Even memory sticks are not allowed.

I waited for at least 15 minutes for my first interview. Yes, there were two. When my number was called, I went to window 5 but there was still this old Asian lady being interviewed, so I had to wait for another 10 minutes. When it was my turn to be interviewed, it only took 2 minutes. I was only asked why I was applying for a visa and that was it. Then I was off to the next interview where I was asked further questions. I was first asked to verify why I was applying for a tourist visa. Then the other questions were if I was married to a US citizen and if I at some point applied for another US visa. I did apply for an immigrant visa through your Daddy but we put it off last December because we were not both ready to leave the UK for good. Just so you know you were in the petition. Anyway, after that the guy told me that my visa was approved and that my passport is on it's way. All in all, both interviews only took 6 minutes.

So that means that Daddy and I will be able to visit New York again (fingers crossed) after a few years. Our planned trip is in August, a week after your birthday. We were thinking of going to France for your birthday but it's going to be so close to our New York trip, so I am not sure if that's going to happen. But even if we won't be able to go to France, I'm sure we'll be doing something special for your birthday.

We will definitely be bringing Meow with us to New York. And of course you will also be there in spirit.

I love and miss you so much baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

We talked about you

Mama and I were on skype for a while this morning. I suddenly realized that I never took a screen shot of us talking on skype. I never thought about that before. But every moment that I spent with you on skype will remain in my memory forever. I can picture you quite rightly in my head. So, I guess I'm going to settle with that for now.

Mama was telling me that she can't read her facebook very well because the letters have gone really small for some reason. She was trying to fix it while we were talking but she couldn't. Then we both remembered you. Mama has always told me that whenever she couldn't fix something or she didn't know what to do, you were always there to help her or to teach her. That's why she misses you more in times like this. Then Ading Cxyrelle kept bothering her about going into youtube because she wanted to watch funny videos. I asked Ading where she got that idea from and she said, "Si Kuya Keith po". She said she likes watching videos that you used to watch, like just for laughs on youtube. I think Ading Cxyrelle is more interested in things that you were into before, more so than Ading Linus. And apparently, other people are also saying that Ading Cxyrelle may have inherited some of your talents. I will be very happy if this is the case because then we can keep your legacy somehow.

Mama also told me that they will bring your bed when they move into your new house because that's what Ading Linus wants. Ading Linus apparently said that they will keep the upper bed for you, for when you visit and wants to spend the night. I didn't realize that you preferred to sleep on top. Because I remember when I went home the last time, you and Ading Linus slept together on the bottom bed. I used to come and kiss you both in the morning before you even woke up. I certainly miss those moments with you. Then Mama reminded Ading to turn off the light in your room before he went to bed. Apparently they kept the routine of not turning your light off until you fell asleep. So now, they only turn it off when they are ready to go to sleep. 

That reminded me that maybe we should have planted a tree for you. I actually thought about that when I was still there, but because there were a lot of things going on I forgot all about it. I will make sure we plant something for you the next time I go home. I know you also loved cacti, so I was also thinking of planting some for you. Or better yet, I'll just make a garden for you when I have extra money. I think that's what I should do, don't you think?

By the way, Mama visited your house on earth earlier on. She said she planted angel flowers around it before, but it was gone when they went there today. She was not sure if they were eaten by the goats or they were stolen. It's such a shame, right? I told her to just plant again.

Meanwhile, I was cleaning our bathroom when I suddenly thought about you. Well, I think about you everyday, but for some reason this time I couldn't believe that you're gone. Then I started crying again. It's a weird feeling you know because I have honestly accepted the fact that you're no longer with us. And then all of a sudden, here I am again asking "why?". I don't know what triggered it this time, but I just thought that maybe you shouldn't have left us. There is this bitterness inside me again that keeps coming back. Sometimes it's okay, but other times it's just bad.

I don't know anak. All I know is that I miss you so much everyday and all I long is to hear your sweet voice again. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Santacruzan

It's that time of the year again. Mama told me that Ading Cxyrelle participated in the Santacruzan this weekend after missing out on it last year. Ha, there is one thing funny that I must tell you. You remember how very maarte Ading Cxyrelle is when it comes to the clothes that she swears? Well, according to Mama she wanted a new long gown for the Santacruzan. But because she already has loads of gowns in the house, they wanted her to just wear one of her old ones. But she refused because apparently, people have already seen her wear those gowns before. There was this red gown that she wore two years ago when she joined the Santacruzan that they wanted her to wear again. Of course she told them that she has worn it already before. But they tried really hard to convince Ading that they have not seen her wear that gown before. So in the end, she wore the same gown. Hopefully she will not see the old photos, otherwise they will be in trouble. :)

So I was looking at Ading's new photos from the Santacruzan and I remembered that the last time you were the one holding her arc, alongside Carlwin. I would have thought that you didn't like to do things like that. But perhaps you really wanted to try on a lot of things as much as you could before you left us, just so you can say that you have done them. That's probably why you did it for Ading. Here is a photo I found on Mama's facebook with you carrying the arc:

This year is entirely different, only Ading's gown that's the same, haha. It was Danica and Uncle Aryong's daughter who carried Ading's arc. Ading held the "Pillow". But she said it's not a pillow, but just a piece of cloth. Ading Bibo was her escort.

Whether I like it or not, things have to change because you are no longer here. But even if they do, there is always something that reminds me that you were there first. Do you know what I mean? I just want people to remember that you have already done those things before. You could honestly have done more, but hey such is life.

Before I end this letter, here's a photo of the gang:

You are surely missed in times like this anak. I miss you every single day. I love you very much.

Mommy Tintin

That decision and updates from home

Hi anak, remember when I told you I had a big decision to make the other day? Well, I have made the final decision and I hope it's the right one. I was not able to ask God properly if I should have done it or not, but I know He will make it happen if He thinks it's right for me. It's basically not that of a big deal as yet, but when it's already right here in front of me, then that would be the most difficult part. But at the moment, I think it is what's best for me. So we shall wait and see.

Anyway, I am so sorry I was not able to write to you properly last night. Daddy and I went out for a walk and when we got home, I was so tired. I don't know why but I felt so washed out so I went to bed straight way. But because I didn't want to go to bed without writing to you, I shared a nice poem that I read through grieving mothers instead. I even didn't get the chance to tell you the story  when I spoke to Mama and your Adings via skype yesterday.

Mama told me that she caught Ading Linus crying the night of his birthday. He was apparently cuddling your pillow. When Mama asked him why he was crying, he didn't say anything. He cried until he fell asleep. Mama then asked him the following day if he misses you and Ading said, "very much". I couldn't help but cry when I heard that story. Ading Linus surely misses you. You had this beautiful friendship. You used to do almost everything together. He may not be very vocal with how he feels towards your passing because he's only young, but I think the way he acts sometimes says a lot. 

And oh, Ading Linus's teeth have grown back and he's even more pogi now. Ading Cxyrelle's teeth have not re-grown. Speaking of Ading Cxyrelle, she attended a birthday party a few days back and guess what? She wore a pink long gown! I know how much you didn't approve of Ading wearing long gowns to church and parties (unless it's hers),haha! And apart from that, she also apparently wanted to wear a crown. But Mama convinced her not to because it was not her birthday. Haha. Ading is really sayit, right?

Ah, how I wish you're still with them witnessing all these things. Sometimes your Adings don't want to do anything special because they say it's not as fun anymore because you're no longer here.

You are surely missed by everyone Keith. We love you very much.

Mommy Tintin

I know you're watching over me....

hear each tear fall on her face...

My Mom doesn't know I'm watching her but I'm watching her just the same. And I hear each tear fall on her face at the very mention of my name. She says it sounds like music to her ears and can be heard over a crowd. Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face when my name is said aloud. I watch her stumble through each day as she wishes the day would end. And I hear each tear fall on her face as she talks of me to her friends. But there are few who truly understand. Oh this I've heard her proclaim. And I hear each tear fall on her face. Will my Mom ever be the same? I know that her smiles light up a sky. But I don't see that smile today. Oh, but I hear each tear fall on her face. Her blue skies have turned to gray. Oh I send to her my warmest hug with the rays of the morning sun. Then, I won't hear a tear fall on her face. For I shall erase them one by one. Yes, my Mom doesn't know I'm watching her. But I'm watching her just the same. And if I hear a tear fall on her face I'll just softly whisper her name.

- from Grieving Mothers

I love and miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

Should I or Should I not?

I think I have a huge decision to make. I have been considering something quite important since yesterday and now I am very much confused.com. It's just that I don't want to make the wrong decision again. Perhaps my emotion is being influenced by what is going on around me. There has been a lot of stress recently and with what I have gone through in the last 6 months, I think stress is the least thing that I need right now. It is very difficult especially when I know that I am not particularly ready to do anything different yet. But at the same time, I am not sure if I can put up with the pressures and the stress in my life any longer, without having to reach the breaking point.

You know when things just get thrown at you and you feel like you are obliged to just take it because you think that you have no choice? And you know when things turn out to be more than what you have expected and you know that you can't turn your back anymore because you're already in it and all you can do now is to just try and see how it goes? I feel like I am caught in a trap. If only I can get rid of the stress, then life would be easier. But we're talking about humans here. I know some people have already told me before not to let anyone get into me. But tell me, how can I possibly do that when I know that whether I like it or not, they are already a part of my life? Maybe not personally, but surely in other way. That's why it is so hard for me to just ignore it.

A colleague of mine has once told me that whenever he feels depressed about work because of how people treat him, he thinks that the purpose of these people in a particular day of his life is to make him feel bad, or to create trouble. In that way he becomes more understanding of why other people behave the way they do. Honestly, can you actually expect me to do that? Perhaps you are too young to understand and I am so sorry if I have to tell you all about this anak.

So anyway, I don't know what to do. I have a few days to think about it. Perhaps I can just try. I don't think I will lose anything if I do. But I definitely need a divine intervention. Please anak tell Father God to guide me in making the right decision. Some people claim that He takes something away from us to give us something better. Although what He has taken away from me was my best (and that was you), I am still hoping that He gives me something good. Only good because at the moment I cannot think of anything better than you.

For I will love you forever and always. Missing you so much anak.

Mommy Tintin

The Pity Word

You know yesterday I was exchanging texts with Papa. I asked him if he was able to call Ading Linus for his birthday. He told me he didn't because he was busy at work. I felt really bad about it and told him off. Little did I know that he has phoned earlier in the day but just didn't get the chance to ring back again. I told him that Ading Linus would have been "kawawa" (pitiful, woesome) if he had not called. Since then the word "kawawa" got stuck in my head and it has made me feel so sad. Because when you were in the hospital, that was the only word that I constantly uttered- "Kawawa naman si Keith, Kawawa naman yung anak ko". I was saying that word over and over again.

I feel really sad to the point of crying again because everything that  happened to you just automatically came back to me. I keep imagining things when you were in the hospital, only because I was not there and the only thing that I can do now is to imagine.

Mama told me all about inserting different needles on you arms and hands. Sometimes, it took them two or three times to take bloods or insert a venflon. You never cried, nor complain that you were in pain. You just let them do what they needed to do. Although Mama was very hurt from what she saw, she couldn't complain because all you have shown her was strength. You never showed her nor anybody that you were suffering. So it was not fair to show you that she was otherwise.

But that was not enough for me not to think that you were "kawawa", because I know you were.I can just about imagine what you went through. However, you were a very strong young man so now I have to be strong for you too and should stop thinking about those horrible times when you were at the hospital.

Honestly anak, I hope that I don't have to use that word anymore. It is horrible to think that someone is "kawawa", especially if they are young and helpless.

Hay naku, just another low moment for me because I am missing you so much. I just want to hug you again. Love you Pochongchong ko.

Mommy Tintin

Ading Linus's Birthday

Today is Ading Linus's first birthday without you. He is now 9 years old. I'm pretty sure he misses you. I phoned early this morning to greet him. They just had lunch and he was going to take a shower from the pump outside the house with Ading Cxyrelle. Have I told you that they haved moved the pump closer to the mango tree? Inang told me that it is on the way for when we build the other house (whenever that will be). Anyway, I spoke to Ading Lye first and greeted him Happy Birthday. We didn't speak long because he was excited to take a shower, so I spoke to Inang instead. Apparently, Ading didn't want to throw a party so they can finish your house soon. But judging by what Inang has told me, he was having two parties. Haha. Not big ones but first, they were going to have lunch with the laborers and our family under the mango tree and then in the afternoon, they invited some neighbours also for  merienda. Your bestfriend Aga, Ate Celine and their Mom was there when I phoned. I am so happy that they still go to the house despite the fact that you are no longer here. I don't think they invited Ading's classmates anymore. But I am sure they had so much fun just the same.

I was going to call back just to find out how did their party go, but I didn't get the chance. I will probably call Inang tonight instead.

You know why Ading Linus wants the house to finish soon? It's because he is living in the hope that when it's finished, you would come back. Because remember that he dreamed about finding a book that belonged to you and in there it was written that you would come back. But Inang has explained to him that you will not come back to us anymore, and that you will be going back to Father God instead. I almost cried when I heard that from Inang. It must have been hard for her to tell Ading that. But you know, we have to tell him the truth somehow.

By the way, I found this photo of us when Ading Linus was born. Look at you, you were very very cute. Time flew very fast, didn't it? You were just this very innocent little child who made eveyrone happy and proud, and now you're up there living a whole new life, in a whole new world with completely new people, or shall I say angels around you. I would like to pinch your cheeks right now. Oh, how I miss you so much anak. Mommy will love you forever.

Mommy Tintin

A Revealing Dream

Last night I had this dream that somehow made me realize that maybe, just maybe something went wrong that's why you were taken away from us unexpectedly. I really would not rather think about it that way, but I feel that this dream is telling me something. After all this time, I never thought of any reason why you left us apart from the fact that it's probably God's will and that you really didn't belong to us. I never really wanted to think that maybe it was a human error. Or maybe at the back of my head, this is really what I am thinking? I am more confused now than I have ever been. As much as possible, I really don't want to blame anybody. But what is my dream all about?

In my dream was my friend who owned the hospital where you were confined in. Without me having to ask, he mentioned something about one of the doctors who was in charge of your care when you were with them. As far as I can remember, she was a lady doctor. Then my friend told me, "yes, she did something by mistake"- not his exact words but kind of the same meaning. This is one thing I really don't like about dreams- sometimes they are so blur to remember. Anyway, my friend then asked me if I wanted to do something about it because if I didn't then he would. It seemed like he was trying to tell me that the the lady doctor made a mistake and that she should pay for what she's done. I woke up feeling hurt and confused. I have been thinking about the dream since then and I have already cried a few times over it. I really don't want to think that you were taken away from us because of someone's carelessness. That will totally break my heart all over again.

I don't think I will tell any of our family about this dream. They may interpret it the wrong way. If anything, I would tell this to my religious friend. Maybe she can tell me exactly what this dream is all about. She has always believed that I have the power of dreams, that I should understand my dreams better and not take them for granted. So perhaps she is the right person to know about this dream.

Please anak help me to find out what really happened so I can put my mind at rest. It is very easy to convince people that the cause of your passing was Dengue. But could there be another reason behind that? Because I know that you were better after you had all the treatments that you needed. Now I guess I am back to square one.

My tears will never run dry. You are always in my thoughts. I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

I did it just for you

This is despite the fact that I fell off the stairs last night. I was looking at the route for the 10k run while walking down the stairs and I missed one step. I twisted my ankle and I was so afraid that I won't be able to run today. Before I went to bed last night, my friend massaged it a bit but it was still painful. I was even restless in my sleep because I could feel it pulsating and it was more painful than before I went to bed. But then I dreamed about you just before I woke up. Someone apparently told me that you're always with us. I could see in my dream that you were always beside Ading Linus wherever he went. But you were not talking as usual. You were just looking at whatever he was doing. I don't know how that dream ended because I can't remember anything apart from that. When I woke up around 7 this morning, I was surprised that my foot was not painful anymore. I would love to believe that you helped my foot to get better so I could run for you. And for that, thank you.

My first ever marathon went pretty well. I was not that tired when I finished but there was one point where I wanted to stop running and just walk. But then you did the trick on me again and played your song "Lighters" so I had to carry on. By the time your song finished, I was almost at the finish line. I kept telling myself not to give up because I know you wouldn't have liked me to. So I managed to keep my pace until I finished. Daddy wanted me to sprint in the the last three minutes of my run, but I didn't have any more energy to do that. I was getting tired and I was so hungry. But thinking about it know, maybe I should have. Because if I did, I would have finished in less than an hour. Now I know what to do next time.

All throughout my run, your songs were playing in my ears. I was singing along in my head and was constantly thinking about you. I really shouldn't be doing this now that you're no longer here, I was thinking. But then that is also the reason why I am doing this. If you didn't go, there is no way I would have been motivated in running a marathon. It's just sad that you had to go before I can get myself into things like this. Perhaps that's how it is sometimes. But thank you anak for inspiring me. As I said before, you are the only reason why I am now doing the things  that I have never done before.

Meow did well also. When we finished, someone asked how long did it take Meow to finish. At that time, I thought it was 1 hour and 4 minutes. But when I checked my time online, it was only 1 hour and 59 seconds. I am so proud of us because I was expecting to finish in at least 1 hour 20 minutes. I exceeded my own expectations. After all, the Mc Donald's  that I ate yesterday was all worth it. Haha.

I hope you're proud of us too. Daddy ran just so he could take pictures of me and Meow while running. I thank your Daddy for his encouragement and support. He's good at pushing me to do better. And please thank God for keeping me safe and looking after me.

This has been my best achievement since you left me. And as much as I am heartbroken because you're now gone, I know that you are always there for me. I love you baby.

Thinking about you all the time. Missing you.x

Mommy Tintin

I Am Ready

So I think I am. First of all because I already had a double egg and sausage mc muffin at Mickie D's this morning with your Tito Phillip, after such a long time. So I have treated myself already even before I even accomplished anything. Therefore, whether I like it or not, I should be ready for tomorrow.

Speaking of Mickie D, I know that you preferred to eat there than Jollibee. :)

The t-shirt I ordered online never came, so I rushed to town this morning to find a store who does same day printing and thank God I found one. They didn't have the prints of my original design so I had to make a new one. I really don't care about the design for as long as your name and your motto are written in front of my t-shirt. That's all that really matters to me. And of course I will be wearing your favourite colour tomorrow- white and sky blue (reminds me of the Greek colour). I am glad PRIMARK had a t-shirt exactly the same colour as your theme. So, tomorrow is all about you anak. Sayang, I could have run for the Philippine Red Cross for now until I can put up your own charity. I realized I would like to help those who are sick and in need of blood transfusions. But I know this will not be my last run so I will still have plenty of opportunities to do that.

And then after the t-shirt was printed, I went to pick up my marathon pack. I was teary-eyed on my way there because I really can't believe that I signed up for a 10k run for the first time in my life! I know I have been running with Daddy even before but not that far. I would normally give up after 2 km. I just never thought that I could run long distance as I was sickly as a child and never really got into sports. But now I can do anything because of you. You are the only reason why I am running tomorrow, because I know that you would have done it also- for you can and you will do anything and everything just because YOU ARE YOU!

By the way, Meow is running with me - her second long distance run. I bet you are excited for both of us. Please invite your angel friends to come and watch us!

Love you so much baby ko. Missing you so much already.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy is so disappointed

I ordered my customized shirt for the Bristol 10k via Street Shirts last Monday, hoping that it will arrive the following day. Well, at least that's what the company says on their website - that the shirt will be delivered guaranteed the following day or they will give me back £10. So Tuesday came and the t-shirt never arrived. I phoned the company on Wednesday morning and it took me at least 20 minutes to get hold of someone. I had to ring back three times because all their lines were apparently busy. So when I finally spoke to someone, she said that the reason why my t-shirt has not been delivered is because the garment that I chose was out of stock. I was so upset and told the lady that if it was the case, then I should have known before I checked out. You know the warning that pops out when you're shopping online that says "out of stock"? There was nothing like that when I was buying the shirt. So I was really confident that I will receive the t-shirt on time. Anyway, the lady then told me that the latest it can arrive will be Saturday, the day before the marathon. I asked if it could be delivered on Friday instead, because I opted for next day delivery. But she said it will be delivered Saturday the latest. What time? She didn't know.

So, it's Friday now and obviously the t-shirt has not arrived. I am upset because I really want to wear that t-shirt when I run. I designed it especially for you. I was so excited to see it,  but now I am so disappointed. How I wish their website didn't say that it will  be delivered the following day.

Now I am stressed again because I need to find an alternative t-shirt and I am not sure if I can find anyone who can design it for me on the same day. Arrrgggghhh, I shouldn't have trusted that website.

Anyway, Daddy was meant to come to Bristol tonight but because the t-shirt didn't arrive he has to wait for it until tomorrow. And we don't even know what time it will get there. So this whole t-shirt palaver has ruined our original plan.

I am still hoping that Daddy will receive the t-shirt tomorrow, but at the same I will look for a place where I can have another t-shirt designed just in case it doesn't arrive.

I am so excited to run for you. I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

The smell of candles and flowers

I was skyping with my sister-from-another-mother the day before yesterday and she asked if I you have visited me, as in if I have felt you at all since you left. I told her I only have dreamt about you three or four times, but that was just it. Then she told me that the day Tito Ryan went home to Jesus, she had some experiences with Tito being around her- like swinging mirrors and flickering lights. I am not sure if this was real, but then again she told me that another lady who used to live with us in the same room also had the same experience, so maybe it was true.

Anyway, although I have not experienced such things I would like to believe that you have visited me at least a couple of times, besides in my dreams. Although I know you will never do the same things that Tito Ryan allegedly did, I felt you somehow. Maybe you will say Mommy is crazy. Knowing you, you were very shy and you wouldn't necessary approach anybody unless they speak to you first.

So then, one day or two in fact, I was missing you terribly. Then I decided to look at your photos on Mama's facebook. I was crying then all of a sudden I started smelling a burning candle and some flower scent. I thought I was daydreaming, but the smell didn't go away. Yes we have candles at home, but it was quite early in the morning and I don't usually light the candles unless Daddy's cooking. The smell lingered for a few minutes and then it went. The same thing happened the second time around. So I know that you probably did visit me somehow.

I told Inang about it earlier but she wouldn't believe me. She said it was just in my mind because I keep thinking about you. She belives that you are not capable of doing anything like that because it's not like you to disturb or scare others. Not that you would scare me if you come visit me, but perhaps she meant that you will be too embarrassed to disturb me.

But honestly anak, I won't mind if you come and visit me. I actually want to speak to you and ask you how it's like on the other side. I also have a few questions to ask. I want to know what exactly happened on that day that you left us. I want to know if you have met Ate Maningning, Tito Ryan, Paolo and Natasha. I want you to tell me if you are able to paint there and play the violin. And oh, I want to know what Jesus looks like and if Angels really have wings. You know, I just want to chat with you like old times.

How I wish we can do that one day, even if it's just in my dreams. I am missing you so so much. I keep longing to touch you and to hug you and to kiss you again. Oh baby ko, I wish you were here.

I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's feeling dizzy

I have been feeling dizzy for the last two weeks now. Sometimes it is also accompanied by a headache and nausea. And when I eat anything, I have indigestion. I always feel bloated but I am still eating as I do feel hungry at times. I don't know what's wrong with me. I cannot see any doctor as yet at the moment as I have not registered yet. Well, I am but I still need to go to a process of health cheacks and the earliest that I can have it done is not until the 18th of June. So really, I cannot see any doctor until I pass out. And that would mean I need to go to the Accident and Emergency.

I guess my symptoms are not that bad at the moment. I still can perform my normal activities of daily living without too much difficulty. I can sometimes feel my head spinning, but not too bad to stop what I am doing. I have a feeling this has got to do with my eyes. I need to wear glasses, but I am quite stubborn. I don't like wearing glasses at work because they get on my way. And I don't like touching it when it falls down, especially when I have not washed my hands. Haha. Kinda like you, right? Oh well, I have so much to say about our similarities in that area. But I will talk about that some other time.

It's either my eyes or it's my ears again. I remember I had the same problem in the past and the doctor told me that it might have been labyrinthitis, which is an inflammation of the inner ear. As far as I know he didn't give me any medication at that time. But I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I will try and wear my glasses and see what happens. I need a new one actually because it's quite old now and I don't know if it's still the right eye measurements. Well, anyway I'll just have to try.

Anak I have to go now. Please just pray that I will feel better soon. Please also remember that I love you and I miss you more each day. Kisses Pochongchong!

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's ready for the 10k

I'm on the bus right now on my way to Bristol. I was not able to write to you before I left home because I was skyping with Mama and Papa. We didn't talk about anything much except your house. Papa was giving Mama instructions on what the carpenters need to do on the doors and stuff. Apart from that, nothing much really. 

So, yesterday was my last training day for the 10k. I managed to run that distance in 70 mins, 10 mins less than my target time. I think that's good enough, but Daddy told me to aim for less than an hour, which I think is impossible for me to do. Maybe next time. I think I may have hurt my hip though because it's been sore since I finished running last night. It's more painful at certain positions, like when I am lying flat and then suddenly move. But Daddy said that it's normal and that I just need to rest it. So I will not be doing any running until the day of the marathon. By the way, I bought a customised t-shirt especially for the marathon. My theme for the day is your theme- white and blue. Since I am running for you, I wanted it to be special. The t-shirt is blue and the prints are in white. And because you loved anything that "lightens" up, I have put a star on the left side of the shirt, right where my heart is. Then your name is inside the star and at the bottom, the word "lighters". Oh and on the main shirt in front is where your motto is written. See, that day will be all about you. Because if it were not because of you, I will not be motivated to do such crazy thing especially because I find running really boring. I am just waiting for the t-shirt and my pack to arrive now, then I'm really ready. I am excited to see it. They said it will arrive today so hopefully it will come later. 

Oh, I want to tell you a story that's completely different from our topic. Well, I was crossing the road to go to the coach station when this girl bumped me. She was pushing her child's pram and ran over my right foot. So I was like,"tsk". Then she heard me and said, "silly cow"! I was so irritated by what I heard because she should have apologized to me for running over my foot. The nerve of her to say that to me! So I answered back and told her on top of my voice, "you should have at least said sorry" and I just carried on walking. Then I have been thinking about that incident until now. I realized that I have changed. My old self would not say anything back in those circumstances. But this time I actually managed to open my mouth. But perhaps that's as far as I would go. You know I am not vey good with confrontations. Maybe I was furious because that woman was with her child and she said that to me. You know what I mean? Then bitterness struck again. Ah, I'd rather not say anything anymore because I may say something bad. I don't know but since you left, I kind of can't tolerate other people mistreating me anymore especially those who have children. Because you were taken away from me and why these mean individuals are still with their children? Oh well, .... 

Okay anak, i'm just gonna stop here as I am feeling dizzy now. I am always thinking of you. I am missing you so much. Love you loads. 

Mommy Tintin

Do people really care?

I keep asking myself this question because sometimes I feel that other people really don't care that I have lost you. Maybe they do, but keeping silent doesn't really tell me anything does it? I am talking about friends and family who despite knowing what I and our family have gone and are still going through cannot even spend 5 minutes of their time to check on us. It's just disappointing that those whom you expected to understand you more and walk with you through this journey are the ones who seem not to care. Some may say of course they do, it's just that...What? They know what I am going through and that they don't want to be a burden to me? Or it's because they don't know what to say, they don't want to upset me? Or is it because they have their own lives to live and problems to face, therefore can't be bothered? But this is not a big thing that I am asking for! All I need is just a simple hi,hello,how are you?, we're here if you need anything and stuff like that...My point is, if people  I don't really know personally and friends whom I've just met are able to check on me every now and again, why can't my family and friends do the same? It makes me wonder you know. All I am asking really is some thoughtfulness. Or is this a tradition of some sort that when a friend or family loses someone, you say "I'm so sorry for your loss" once, and never say a word ever again. If the person isn't a family or a friend, then fine, I will truly understand. But these are your so-called friends and families! Where are they when you actually need someone to comfort you and reassure you that things will be okay?Yes, grieving mothers are right. No one will ever understand me unless they have lost a child. But then again, I am not even asking for understanding. Just a simple thought really. And to show me that they care. 

Just like  the facebook page that I made for you. I only created that page so people will not forget you. So we can say anything to you when we are missing you. But guess who visits the page? Majority of them are my acquaintances and friends that I have only met on facebook. See, most of the people who liked that page are those I have kindly asked to do so. Some of them are fellow grieving mothers who voluntarily liked your page. And yes, some of them I really didn't have to ask. I am so grateful for these people for taking their time for you and me. I have already posted an invite to like your page once before and I don't want to do it again. Because I am sure my friends and family are already aware of it and if they really wanted to show their support on this matter, then they could have done it the first time I shared the link on my facebook page.

I don't know why I am so bitter and insecure at the moment. Perhaps because people only seem to remember me when they need something. Why can they do that and not even dare to ask how I am? Is it because their life is good and mine isn't, so they no longer care? 

I am so sorry anak if I am upset at the moment. It's just that I have my own expectations and I am just disappointed because these expectations are not met. It's entirely my fault as I shouldn't really expect anything from anyone. But if only these people knew better about supporting a grieving mother......

FRIENDS SUPPORT GUIDE

For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.

6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
a. Bring food
b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself
c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his
death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.

7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused

8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.

9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...

Thank you for listening anak ko. Please bear with Mommy sometimes okay? I miss you so very much and I love you so.

Mommy Tintin

Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day! Do I still really need to celebrate mother's day now that my only reason to be a mother has been taken away? Perhaps I still do. At the end of the day I remain a mother to an Angel in heaven and of course to your Adings.

I don't know what other people think. But knowing that you are no longer here, people are still sending me Mother's Day messages which is very sweet and thoughtful. And when I say people, these are those whom I really don't know personally or very well. Only two of my closest friends have greeted me happy mother's day so far. Even your Daddy Don did not greet me. Not that it matters that much, but it kind of made me think- does losing your only child mean you are no longer a mother? Either that or because they think that you were not my biological son anyway. Or perhaps they are not sure how will I take it if they greet me. But whatever reason they have, I respect that. Sometimes it's my fault also because I expect too much from other people. That's why I feel bad when those expectations are not met. But anyway......

Just like what I told in my previous letter about Mother's Day in the UK, thank you for giving me the experience of motherhood. I will forever be grateful to you for giving me the chance to be a mother.

So here I am alone at home, chatting on skype with Mama. Papa was also in our conference but he logged out because he was hungry. Daddy Don went outside because it's Sunday and he always like to go out on his day off. I'd rather stay at home and rest, especially because we have been sleeping late for the last three nights. So I am really tired now. Besides, I ran for two consecutive days and my legs are very sore. So, I am having a rest day today.

As it is mother's day today, I would like to leave this message for Father God:

A Mother's Day Gift To God

Lord today is Mother's Day,

but my heart is split in two

Half of my heart is still here,

the other with my child that is there with You.

All the lovely presents are a nice surprise

But the only thing I want most is missing,

and tears fill my eyes.

I know when You sent him Lord,

You didn't promise how long he would stay

All You said was to love him and treasure each and every day.

But Lord it crushed my heart,

when You called for his return.

I really feel like half a Mom,

as I ache and weep, and yearn.

But Lord tell Adam  Keith "I Love him"

just as much as I did before.

And could you please make a window,

so he can see through Heaven's floor,

Let him see that he is missed

and thought of with each breath I take

And that a Mother's love begins before life,

and does not end with death.

So on this Mother's Day,

The Greatest Gift

"I Give To You."~

For Lord I know You missed him,

and that You love him too.

- Thanks Grieving Mothers

I love and miss you so much my Pochongchong!

Mommy Tintin